Finished Thread - Emma 01 - Backward Glances
Hogwarts Corridors 18 June 1977 Before Hogsmeade
Emma knew she shouldn’t be doing this, but she found she couldn’t help herself. She’d become terribly fond of James, especially since he’d decided to crash her birthday party last month. There was something about him that endeared him to her and she couldn’t quite help it. The castle wouldn’t be the same without him and his friends. And that was another reason she wanted to approach him now. Regulus had been more withdrawn for weeks than she’d ever seen him, and she didn’t have to ask to know what it was.
Everyone knew their stances on the war, none so intimately as Regulus did. He was a Death Eater now to boot and she wouldn’t be surprised at all if they knew. Sirius she had no doubts about, and chances are he would have told James. They didn’t seem like the secret keeping type anyway. But that made this situation that much more difficult and she wasn’t sure what to do. She couldn’t help, not really, but she had to do something. She had to try in any case.
She found him alone, which was surprising in and of itself. She was almost disappointed Peter wasn’t with him, though she would doubtless find him later. She didn’t want to let him go without saying goodbye. Frankly she didn’t want to miss her chance with James, either. She approached him quietly and waited til he turned to look at her before she spoke. She wasn’t even really sure what to say now that he was about to become stark opposition to her betrothed and everything she and her family stood for.
“You’ll be careful, won’t you?” she asked, looking out the window instead of at the Head Boy. “Out there, I mean. You and all the others… I should hate to think…” She sighed softly. “Promise me you’ll look out for yourselves…Please?”
Peter had been kind of bumming James out with his drinking, which was rare for the boy anyway. But James had finally found a moment to himself after the chaos that had come from graduating and proposing. He used the time as productively as possible, shoving food into his mouth in a most unattractive fashion when she came over. What did it matter? He was officially off the market. He was an engaged man. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone anymore.
He almost choked when he looked over at her, though. “Bloody hell,” he managed before he chewed his food properly and swallowed it. “Sorry. You snuck up on me,” he added before her words sunk in. She was actually worried about them? He grinned over at her slyly.
“Awww, Em,” he teased. “I knew you cared, love. Course we’ll be careful. Take care of ourselves and all that. You’ll do the same, yeah?” He knew she was probably more hesitant to say it, but he didn’t mind adding, “I don’t know what any of us would do if anything happened to you. You mean a lot to a lot of people, you know.“
Emma had to try her best not to snort when he choked and sputtered. She hadn’t been trying to sneak up on him in the least, but apparently he was so consumed with the consumption of his food that everything else had faded away beyond his notice. It was amusing, and she almost couldn’t help it. She managed to contain it, but a smile crept up at the corners of her mouth.
She had to try not to roll her eyes at his tone and that smirk, but she appreciated his teasing more than ever today. Her hands twisted gently in her skirt, as they so often did when she wasn’t sure what to say. It was a habit she’d been trying to rid herself of for years now, but for once she simply couldn’t help it. She also knew that even if he noticed, which was unlikely, he would probably think nothing of it.
She nodded. “I have all the protection I need. And I will not be among those fighting. It is not my place. You need not worry for me.” Regulus, on the other hand, was a completely different matter, and one she didn’t want to get in to. He was Sirius’ best friend, and she could only assume he cared about Regulus at least on his counterpart’s behalf. “I should not say such things, I know, but… I feel the same way toward you and Peter. And should anything happen to Sirius I know Regulus would never….” She sighed and pressed the thumb of one hand between the knuckles of the other, leaving her skirt be for the time being. His words touched her when he said she meant a lot, and she couldn’t help the gentle smile she gave him. “It seems we shall simply have to survive so none of us ever need know.”
He was glad she was amused when he nearly died a sudden death from choking on his food. Okay, it hadn’t been that close, but still! It could have happened! He turned himself to face her more fully and gave a light smile while they spoke.
He noticed the way her hands twisted in her skirt, though he didn’t say anything about it. Everyone had a tell; it was just a matter of figuring out what it was giving away. He didn’t dig too much into it, though. It was probably an invasion of privacy and she seemed like she didn’t want to give away too much about herself in general. Besides, there were other things to dwell on right now.
“Well I’m glad you won’t be on the front lines, at any rate,” he added. “I’m fairly certain you could kick my arse,” he winked at her. “You always do on the Quidditch pitch, anyway.” Now that Quidditch wasn’t his problem anymore, it was easier to admit that she’d been a hell of a rival. “We’ll be careful so long as you are,” he said, though he probably wouldn’t be as careful as he would have liked. It wasn’t like he was settling into life as a shopkeeper or something. “I doubt we’ll talk much after the war either way, so I just want you to know we’re really going to miss you.” He wished they’d found more opportunities to talk during school. It seemed like he hadn’t had nearly enough time with anyone now that their time together was coming to an end.
Emma had not expected it to be so difficult to say goodbye to him. They’d been friendly and cordial for the most part and little more. That was how most of her relationships were; she kept her distance for the most part, but he had charmed his way in to her heart despite herself. It frightened her to know that he’d be a blood traitor soon, and they all knew it. His love for Lily Evans was strong and public, and when they married he’d become a target in ways that made her cringe.
She laughed softly at his assessment of her abilities. “Well, that’s probably true. But I should like to think you could hold your own, even against the likes of me.” She smiled up at him. “Well, yes, evidently. But no one tested my abilities on the pitch half so much as you did. You’re incredibly difficult to out-match.” In the end, she’d managed to do it, but winning the Quidditch cup had not been easy. Frankly, without Regulus as their seeker, she didn’t think they’d have managed it. Gryffindor had been unlucky to have a new seeker this year, and it stacked the odds just enough in her favor that they’d won.
Her smiled faded slightly, though there was a look of fondness in her eyes still. “I wish I didn’t know you well enough to know you’ll be on the front lines on the other side. I can’t see you or your friends being content any other way. Your courage astounds me, I must admit. And your recklessness frightens me… I don’t want harm falling your heads. I know I’m not meant to care. But… please know that I do.” She sighed softly and finally turned to look at him more directly. “You’re a good man, James. All of you are, and I’ve no qualms admitting it despite our differences of opinion.” She sighed softly. “We would have been great friends in another life, I think. Away from this war and choosing sides. It’s such a waste that we’ll never know, even if this war ends with us both still breathing.” Either he’d be taken down if her side won or she would be if his won. There was no happy ending here and she knew it. “I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”
James knew what he was risking socially by marrying Lily and while the ramifications worried him, the day couldn’t come quickly enough. To hell with what they thought of him. They were going to try to kill him anyway when he stood in the way of their cause, so he may as well be living to the fullest when they tried to off him. Blood traitor or not, he was a target for the company he kept. If his friends were in danger, he was going to be there to protect them until the bitter end.
He smiled to hear her laugh, trying to hold onto the memory. He was starting to understand why everyone was so melancholy today. It was indeed a day of endings, a day where lines were drawn and sides were chosen once and for all. Now that they’d left the castle and once they went their separate ways tonight, there would be no turning back. They would be at war, and he didn’t relish the thought. It was going to change everything, exactly as Emma was speculating.
“Well, thank you. Means a lot. You captained a hell of a team.” His just hadn’t been able to pull it together with all the distractions they’d had that year, himself included. He still blamed being smacked head on with a Bludger during the Hufflepuff game as the source of his lack of focus.
The change in tone made him shrug. She knew him well, not that it was difficult. He was an open book to anyone willing to try reading him. “I am reckless,” he granted, “but I’m not daft. I’ll be as careful as I can be out there, I hope you know.” But if it came down to him or a friend, he knew he would be the one to take a fatal curse. “You just take care of yourself, yeah? Doesn’t matter who wins the war. I want you to be safe.” He met her gaze as he spoke, his lips tilted downward ever so slightly. He didn’t know why he was so protective of her, but he didn’t want to see her harmed anymore than she wanted to see him harmed.
She smiled at his compliment. “I was just lucky in the players I was given. Had your seeker been the boy you had last year, I’m not sure we’d have won at all. But it was a good year all around… I wish we both could have ended on a victory.” She hadn’t yet told anyone else this was her last year at school; she and Regulus had been trying to keep it as quiet as possible, but it was hardly worth keeping from him now.
She nodded, but she wasn’t entirely sure she believed him. She’d seen how protective he was of his friends - everyone knew it - and she knew of his selflessness at least in part from hearing what he’d done when Sirius had run away. She had no doubts it extended to all areas of his life. It made her fear for him even more, but she didn’t need to say that aloud just now. She was sure he understood that without it being explicitly stated. And even if she said it, she doubted it would change anything at all about what he chose to do.
Emma looked up at him and her expression softened considerably, in a way she’d never let it do before around anyone but her closest friends. “I know… I’ll be as safe as I can be. Regulus and Terrance will look after me, and I’m not so helpless myself… I’ll be alright.” She moved a little closer to him and reached up to very gently cup his cheek in her palm. “Just promise me you’ll do the same… That you’ll be safe. I know it’s an impossible thing to ask, all things considered…. But I wish only the best for you. I really do.” She offered him a soft smile. “Despite my best efforts not to be, I’ve become terribly fond of you, I’m afraid.”
Reluctantly, she pulled her hand away from him and stepped back just a little. “Tell Sirius…. tell him I’ll do what I can for his brother. I know he still…. I shouldn’t….” She took a breath and sighed it out in a huff. “Should anyone else ask, I never spoke of it, and you never heard it. But I know they care for each other still, and I won’t see my Regulus’ heart broken over losing his brother a second time. Tell him… Tell him if he dies, I’ll…. I’ll find him and kick his sorry ass. That’s a promise.” She smiled despite herself, before pressing her lips together and composing herself again. “But like I said. You didn’t hear a word of this from me.”
“Yeah, well that’s what I get for letting that guy graduate,” he waved it off before realizing what she was saying. “Wait, what do you mean? You’ve got another year, yeah? Plenty of time for the Gryffindor team to kick your arse on the pitch still.” Was he that forgetful? There was no way she’d just graduated, right?
James was set in his convictions about the war and he knew what he had to do in order to keep this thing from spiraling out of control. If that someday meant laying down his life to keep his friends and family safe, he wouldn’t even hesitate. Death was someone he’d welcomed into his life a long time ago. Still, that didn’t mean he wanted her to have to do the same.
He nodded when she promised her safety once again, though he grimaced when she mentioned ole’ Terry. Sure, he’d look after her, until James took him out. Or Peter. He was sure Peter would help with that. When she set a hand on his cheek, he nearly jumped. This level of affection was something he’d never seen from her before. “Oh– yeah, Em. You know I’ll try to be.” He couldn’t help the cheeky grin that spread onto his face. “I’m hard not to love, really. It’s understandable.” His features softened as he added, “I’m pretty fond of you too, you know.”
Regulus was another matter entirely, wasn’t he? James let out a slow sigh and nodded. “I’ll pass that on,” he assured. “You do the same for Regulus, yeah? I know they’re both going to be on the front lines but I don’t want to know what happens if they face each other out there.” It wouldn’t end well for Sirius and that was all he needed to know.
Emma sighed at his questions and shook her head. Her hands knotted slightly in her skirt before she answered, her eyes lowering. She wasn’t ashamed of what she was going to do, but she was nervous to tell him all the same. She knew most people outside the pureblood circles - and blood or not, James was certainly not part of all of it - wouldn’t really understand. “….No,” she said softly. “I’m to be married soon, now that I’m of age. I will not be returning next year.”
She wasn’t surprised by his reaction to her touch - she’d never offered it before, and likely never would again. He knew her best on the pitch where she was a very different person, but on or off she was hesitant at best to show any kind of affection toward anyone. As this was the last time she thought she’d ever see him, however, she thought she might as well. She laughed. “Oh absolutely. You’re incredibly difficult not to get used to eventually. Love might be a bit strong, but believe what you will~” she teased. Her smile softened when he said he was fond of her too, but left it at that.
A look of surprise crossed her face at his words, and her dark brows knit together. “What ever do you mean? Nothing would happen,” she said simply. “I barely know Sirius, but I never took him for the kind of man who’d attack his brother no matter what either of them believed. And if you think for one instant Regulus would be capable of harming him…” She sighed. “I know their history is…complicated, at best. Perhaps not as intimately as you, but I do know this. Regulus loves his brother. To assume otherwise is to discredit him. I should hope that will never be called in to question again.”
It seemed a waste to James not to finish school when they were so close. He’d talked Sirius out of this same kind of decision at the end of sixth year. But with Emma, whose future was set and who didn’t need the skills seventh year might teach her, what was he supposed to say? Finishing was useless. “Oh. Well,” he gave a slow nod. “I guess it’s different now that you’ll have a house to keep running and all.”
He snorted and leaned into her touch just a bit. “I will believe that you love me. I’m very loveable.” And conceited, but that was beside the point. Some things just didn’t change with him.
James was relieved to hear her reassurances about Regulus, though he did still worry. All he knew was that Sirius would die in a heartbeat if it was between him or Regulus, and he had no idea if that feeling was mutual. But if Regulus were ever ordered by Voldemort, a man to which he had already pledged undying loyalty, James didn’t know that he’d say no. “I know they love each other,” he defended. “I just don’t want to find out what happens if fear of your lord or whatever gets stronger than that.” He held her gaze for a few moments. When it came down to brass tax, that was the real issue, wasn’t it? Regulus had already chosen Voldemort over his brother before. What was to say he wouldn’t do it again in the future? “I’m sorry, Em. I don’t mean to be a wanker, but I don’t trust Regulus. I wish I could, but I can’t afford to anymore.”
She shook her head. “There will hardly be much to do,” she mused. “I intend to work if I can find a way to. Regulus would have me continue under different circumstances, and his opinion is the only one that will matter soon. But since he will likewise be leaving these halls, I find the prospect of remaining without him too much to bear.” Normally she wouldn’t have said so much, but she wasn’t sure any of James’ friends - Sirius included - would know Regulus was leaving too. It was the easiest way to say he was becoming a Death Eater full time without having to spell out the words.
She brushed her thumb over his cheek for just a moment before withdrawing her hand. It felt strangely cold now that she wasn’t touching him. She hadn’t been as close with James as she had been with Peter, but something about this still broke her heart, and she hated it.
Emma sighed softly and shook her head, lowering her eyes again. She couldn’t look at him when he spoke about those things, about their Lord and the things her beloved was being asked to do. “Believe me when I say,” she said quietly, “that I have spent more sleepless nights at his side than I care to admit while he worried over what he would do should he ever be asked that very thing. Regulus is loyal to the cause, never doubt that. But I do not - cannot - believe he would betray his brother first. I am not asking you to trust him. Only my judgement of him.”
James nodded at her future plans. They sounded logical enough to him. “I think I would go mental if I didn’t have any work to do,” he admitted. He needed to figure something out while he waited for his NEWT results to see if he could make Auror or not. He’d been a little concerned about that bloody Potions exam. “What kind of work do you think you’d want to do?”
Even knowing what Regulus was about to embark on, James had to admit it was sweet of Emma to not want to continue schooling without him. They were a good couple on the wrong side of the tracks, in his opinion. He thought they meant well but they were going about it in all the wrong ways. He gave a tight smile when she brushed her thumb against his face and then let go. An empty feeling replaced the warmth she’d inspired there and he deflated just a tad. It was getting late and he knew he couldn’t keep her much longer.
He noticed how she looked away whenever they discussed anything regarding the war, and it actually made him smile a bit. Maybe there was hope for her yet. “I do trust your judgement, Em,” he promised and reached out to rest his hand on her shoulder. “Hey, we’re going to try and keep him safe, yeah? As long as he doesn’t force our hand, we’re not going to hurt him.” He couldn’t do that to Sirius.
She nodded at his sentiment; she had thought she would be content to sit at home and be the pureblood wife and mother she was expected to be, but she’d realized recently that she agreed with James. As much as she wanted those things, she still wanted to be a part of their world, and more than in the sense of what she taught her children to do in it. “I’m going to try to find work as an apothecary,” she told him. “Though I would hardly mind working in a greenhouse, either. I’ve talent enough for either, and I think I could be happy.”
Emma looked up at him and nodded, grateful he at least could grant her that much. Even if it was a lie, it was a comfort all the same. The brothers Black was a source of stress for everyone who loved them, and she wanted to try to alleviate at least some of that pressure if she could. She knew her Regulus better than anyone, and she knew that he would never harm his brother, not for anything. She wanted so desperately for James to believe that, to see the good in her beloved, but he didn’t seem to be able to. Still, at least he could do this much.
She glanced at the hand on her shoulder and then back up at James, her expression softening again. She nodded, relieved if only a little. “He won’t,” she said softly. “Neither of them will.” She took a deep breath and sighed, and she knew it was time to go. Any more, and they might argue about the merits of things, and that wasn’t how she wanted to leave it. She hesitated, trying to memorize his face. She hoped this wouldn’t be the last time she saw it, but if it was, she wanted to commit him to memory, as she did everything about the life she was leaving behind.
She knew he knew it was time when he moved his hand again. Before she could stop herself, Emma stepped forward and hugged him, but barely gave him time to react at all before she let go again. She dropped her eyes to the floor, ashamed of her lapse in propriety for that moment, but she knew it wouldn’t be the only time today.
“Take care, James… Please.”
She turned on her heel and left, not really caring where it was she ended up.
[ Finished thread ]
