"The main point of zazen is to get beyond that conditioning, beyond that robotlike existence where we respond to situations as if programmed. Deconditioning means reaching the ground of being, finding out who you are, learning to live your life out of your own direct experience. No one can tell you what it is. To tell you is just to give you another idea, and if you believe it, it's just another belief system. Realization has nothing to do with believing or understanding. It's got to do with realizing it with your own life. That's how you make yourself free.
When you believe, you're attached to belief systems. When you understand, you're attached to words and ideas. Reality resides in neither of those; it's the direct experience of your very life that we're talking about. All phenomena are empty, yet all phenomena are functioning. How do you keep from falling into one or the other? If you call this a stick, you miss it. You're tied up in the words and ideas that describe it. If you say it's not a stick, you deny its existence. So what is it? Neither stick nor not a stick. Neither absolute nor relative. Neither heaven nor earth. What is it? Don't tell me about it. Show me! Make it your own experience, not an idea, not a belief. It's the same as your practice. You can be a great philosopher of karate, but that isn't worth a nickel when you're facing an opponent. You can't talk your way out of it, you have to be it! So how to do that? Empty-handed.
There's an interesting old Zen story about a great master who received the dharma transmission but didn't want to teach.
He knew if he hid out in the mountains the monks would find him and start bugging him for the teaching, so he went to live with the bums who hung out under the bridges in Japan. He became a bum. But the emperor, one of the warlords, found out and wanted him as a national teacher, and instructed his soldiers to try to find him. Try as they might, they couldn't find him; all of the beggars looked basically the same.
Then they contacted another Zen master for advice on how to find the man they were seeking. The master said, 'Well, he really loves melons. Give your soldiers thousands of melons and have them go to each of the bridges and offer free melons to all the bums. Just as each one comes up to accept a melon, have a soldier say, 'Take the melon without using your hands,' and the true Zen master will reveal himself.'
So they did that. They went from bridge to bridge, and to each bum that came up a soldier would shout out, 'Take the melon without using your hands!' Most of them didn't know what to do and would just look at the soldier like he was kind of weird. They'd give the bum the melon and he would leave and they'd go on to the next one.
Finally, this master came up. The soldier said, 'Take the melon with out using your hands!' The master immediately responded, 'Hand it to me without using your hands!' They nailed him.
Of course, he didn't reveal what it means to take the melon without using one's hands; but he did test the soldier. How do you take the melon without using your hands? How do you take this stick away from me without using your hands? What is 'empty hand'?... The power and force of your art come from really understanding this koan with your whole body and mind."
- John Daido Loori, from "Sages and Warriors." Mountain Record of Zen Talks, 1988.
Here I am, take me. It's easier to give in. Some people mistake me. They only hear what they wanna hear. If you're losing sleep, forgive me, I just can't keep pretending. I'm packing my bags 'cause I don't wanna be the only one who's drowning in their misery. And I'll take that chance, 'cause I just wanna breathe. And I won't look back and wonder how it's supposed to be. How it's supposed to be.
I see a person, i hear them say,
Words of love,
Kind, loving, gentle and foreign.
Unbidden,
They bring tears to my eyes.
Longing shaped as watery ravines.
I stand under the open skies
Uncovered, unsheltered,
Open to blue demise.
Stretch my hands cloudwards,
Grasping at missing replies.
Struggling, feeble armed,
Feelings lashing, gasping, alarmed.
Was I not deserving of love?
Was I not ever wanted?
The thought remains,
Forever haunting.
Everyone here stands to
Marvel at blue skies,
But all I see is cold voids.
They take happiness and love for granted,
And I stand alone and empty handed.
