rant: 3w4 with no career or social life?
and here’s another thing that pointed me away from being a 3 at first (and still makes me question my typing, honestly): i have a nearly empty resume and lack of social connections. shouldn’t i be striving harder to attain these things because they’re important to the image of “success” that most people have (including me, to some extent)?
the reason why is because i’m afraid of failure. even more than i desire success.
it seems like a lot of 3s, (especially sp doms), are workaholics. but i’m way behind of my peers in career. ever since high school pretty much all my classmates had jobs and i didn’t want one. i’ve only had one part-time job in my life as a receptionist that i got out of luck, and it didn’t last long (to top it all off i was pretty shitty at it). i’ve been turned down from so many jobs and i don’t want to put the effort into something that i know i’ll be bad at (yep, i’m scared af of being fired), so i don’t even try anymore.
even worse is my social life. i have no irl friends. any “friend” i had ended up having treated me like shit anyway. honestly, i do want some, maybe just to boost my image so i don’t look like a fucking friendless loser anymore. and i’ve never been anywhere close to a romantic relationship after 20 years of life. i know from experience i suck at talking to people so i’ve stopped trying, i don’t want them to reject me so i’ve rejected them first.
so i overcompensate in academics, and i have been ever since middle school. it was the only place where i was better than my classmates. don’t get me wrong, i’ve never been one to spend all my free time studying but i do just enough to earn grades that are superior to my classmates’.
then college came around, and i’m not the best anymore. i'm even considering doing a double major or three minors as another means of overcompensation... i’m going to start my 3rd year. but what the fuck am i going to do after i graduate college? i know i can’t hide behind school forever.
but i don’t know how to face my fear of failure and strive toward success without potentially hurting the image that i’ve tried so hard to protect from rejection and failure along the way of my goals.
i’m really fucking sorry for the useless rant that might not have anything to do with enneagram but i felt the need to get my thoughts out somewhere, i’m hoping i’m not the only 3 who's secretly a career and relationship failure lol