#entry101

[misterkiddo]

Friends, I'm having a "FOMO".

From this moment forward, bigla ko lang narealize na ang aloof ko pala sa mga friends ko. Like I suddenly felt "FOMO" when I saw their pictures na magkakasama having dinner or everytime na nagkikita at nagbbond sila and I am not invited. Minsan hindi ko alam kung sino nga ba yung mga totoong friends ko? Sino ba yung mga friends ko na hindi napipilitan na isama ako and who are those that always remember me. Well not because of need nila ng headcount but syempre yung miss sana nila akong makasama...

Then it now boils down to some thoughts na:

Ganito ba talaga kasama ang ugali ko?

Kailangan ko ba talagang ipilit yung sarili ko sa kanila para lang masabing may friends ako at belong ako sa kanila?

Hindi ba ako nagmamatter sa kanila kasi tingin nila na when I am with them, I probably be the bangka and steal the spotlight to them (which most of the time believe me I don't naman)

Or hindi ba talaga ako kamahal mahal, to the point na even my friends sinusukuan ako?

Minsan hindi ko alam kung pinapahalagahan din ba nila yung existence ko sa buhay nila tulad ng pagpapahalaga ko sa kanila. Should it always be this way na laging ako yung mangangamusta kung okay lang ba sila, tapos tsaka lang nila ako kakamustahin kapag nag-initiate nako ng ganung tanong? Why am I feeling this way? Hindi ba pwedeng maging kuntento nalang ako dahil may friends ako, pero intangible sila kapag ako na yung nangangailangan sa kanila?

After re-reading this entry it summarizes that life doesn't have to be this way. And I shouldn't looking at it like this, because they considered me as part of their life, and it will always be. Hindi naman importante kung madalas ako ang nakakamiss sa kanila and madalas ako ang nagyayaya na magkita kita kami, but rather to keep this circle in my life even if we progress in our own separate life of our future. I should not be thinking this way because we have our own life, and maybe some of them have their own priorities like their own family and even their own personal goals.

I just have to be more understanding, and still feel lucky because I still have them in my life.

Friends, if you read this, I badly need a hug from you guys. I miss you all!

[casiofx911es-plus]

Hanggang dito na lang kasi tayo…

Gusto kitang yakapin mula sa iyong likuran pero ang tanging magagawa ko lang ay pagmasdan ka mula sa malayuan. Wala naman na kasing tayo. Wala na di ba? Nagsawa ka sa lahat ng kung anong meron tayo at walang klaseng pagbabago ang makakapagpabago sa nararamdaman mo. Wala akong magawa kundi bitawan ang iyong mga kamay na kaytagal kong pinilit hawakan dahil ayaw kong pakawalan ka nang hindi ko man lang ipinaglalaban kung ano man meron tayo. Ayokong sumuko. Wala sa isip ko ang pagsuko pero nauna ka na pala. 

Kaya mahal, mula na lang dito kita titignan. Dito kung saan di mo ko mapipigilan. Dito na lang kita hahawakan, dito kung saan di mo ako bibitawan. Dito na lang kita yayakapin, dito kung saan di mo na ako kayang ipagtabuyan.

Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Pero kung ayaw mo na, wala na talaga akong magagawa. Mamahalin na lang kita mula dito, dito kung saan akin ka at ako lang ang mundo mo.

[casiofx911es-plus]

It was the most impossible thing to imagine but I still went over that thought. That I will see you here. On those bench. On that record store. I tried searching for you in the crowd. Crazy I might seem, but I still tried looking at all the faces I come across. I kept meeting their eyes - everyone who passes me by hoping they were yours. I was desperate to see you. I was desperate to look through again those deep windows. But then I failed. I didn’t see you. No trace, no shadow, no you - the way how it should be.

But tell you what, I’m still waiting for you. Even if there’s no chance of you coming back.

[casiofx911es-plus]

Kuya sa kanan po. Kanan po kuya.

….

Ang layo na po. Grabeng layo na po nung inilagpas. Haaay.

Sorry po.

Mahilig ka kasing mangaliwa. Ilang ulit na ngang pinaalala pero kinaliwa mo pa rin. Tsaka ka hihingi ng tawad kung kelan may naabala na. Diyan ka kasi magaling eh. Sa paghingi ng letseng sorry na wala namang magagawa. Sayang ang oras.

[casiofx911es-plus]

Though my eyes are closed I know you are there. Staring at me. Studying every bit of me. I can feel it. There was something in your aura that got me addicted. There was warmth. Comfort. Affection. Care. Sanctuary. There was love. And those are the moments I always look forward. Moments I let out gasps of rapture. 'Cause every time I catch you stealing glances at me, I knew one thing. I think I’m in love.

[casiofx911es-plus]

Your eyes said everything there is to say. There was something in that look that melted my heart, And brought an abnormality with my breathing. My heart started beating in a way far from the usual. That day, something ignited. Something I’ve never felt before. Something so new that I don’t know how to handle it.

[casiofx911es-plus]

Lumusong at magpatianod. Magpatangay sa agos. Wag mangamba. Wag matakot. Sumabay sa daloy ng isang ilog na buhay patungo sa bukal ng pag ibig na ligaw.

[casiofx911es-plus]

Dadaloy kagaya ng tubig sa batis, mga luha kong puno ng hinagpis, tungkol sa alaala ng kahapong mapait at pag-iibigang iginupo ng sakit.