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I knew I was meant to be a horror girlie forever when, at the tender age of nine, I watched Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time, realised Freddy's face looks like decently cooked pizza... got hungry, fell asleep, and woke up feeling like a new person.
Just ignore this
I just need to vent So one of the guys from my college has spread round a rumour that I called EVERYONE in the class a c**t. That I turned to him at the start of the academic year and said "I don't see anyone here as a peer or rival, I just think you're all a bunch of c**ts" I find it so difficult to make friends that I end up being by myself most of the time. It was the same in middle school and most of high school. And now in college I find myself singled out. I tried so hard to fit in and make friends. To the point where I have put so much stress on myself that I've actually had panic attacks. And now I see him saying this. And being adamant that I called everyone a c**t. Bitch I can't even write it down what makes you think I could say it? He won't let it go and it hurts because what if people believe him? What if I go into college and even more people shun me? What if I walk into that studio and everyone hates me because of his fucking lie? What if I'm alone because I stoop up for someone I care about? I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be alone like this anymore. I just wanted to fit in but I can't because he's gone and spread this shit. C**t is my least favourite word in the world. I hate it. If I said it at the beginning of the year then that would be before I knew anyone, therefore I would have no reason to use such harsh language. Why is he saying this? Why?
I'm trying to take control over my shitty life, trying to find things I'm good at and make them even better. But nothings working and no one cares. The only person I can talk to probably hates me now 'cuz I'm such a dick. I only think of myself when they need me. I try to help others, I try so hard to be good in everything I do but its never good enough. Nothing I do is good enough, no matter how hard I try I always end up worse off. I keep thinking I've hit my bottom but I just keep falling and I don't know how much longer I can take this anymore. I was waiting for someone to save me. No one came. I tried to save myself. I failed with a capital F. What am I even doing? Whats the point in me?
Pffft, well then.
I don't remember if I gave him a nickname on here and I don't fucking care. Either way. My ex.
"I'll always be here to listen" and "I wish I could have been there for you" and all that shit?
I tell him tonight that I want to cut. That I want to see blood because tears are boring. Because I've cried way too much already. Because blood is more interesting. It's crucial to life. It's bright. It's metallic. I want blood.
What does he do?
"And I'm going to bed. G'night."
Gee, THANKS, buddy. Good to know you're here for me.
Good to fucking know I matter to you.
God motherfucking damnit. I have razors in the bathroom. There are blades all over this goddamn house. We have professional-grade knives AND SHARPENERS. We have power tools by the dozen.
The way I'm feeling right now, I might go find one.
It wouldn't be hard. My parents wouldn't even know. Or care.
What the fucking hell.
And what's worse? JILL JUST WENT TO GO LAY DOWN BECAUSE I FUCKING MESSED EVERYTHING UP. YET AGAIN.
So I can't tell her that I'm scared shitless about her and now about my MOTHERFUCKING EX, even though he apparently doesn't fucking care about ME.
I can't tell her that despite JB's dismissal, I'm still scared that I'm a part of all of it now.
I can't tell her anything BECAUSE I FUCKED IT UP. JUST BY TRYING TO BE UNDERSTANDING, NO LESS. I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY SHE DOES ONE OF THE THINGS THAT PISSES ME OFF TO NO END AND I CAME TO TERMS WITH IT AND I DECIDED TO TRY SOMETHING OTHER THAN GETTING SNIPPY WITH HER AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME.
Why do I even fucking bother? What the fuck does it even matter anymore?
God fucking damnit. I'm done.
