I dreamt of you the other night. It's not abnormal. You're on my mind almost always. I was walking through St. Cloud on the state streets and I just found you. I walked to you. We weren't looking for each other but there you were and there I was and suddenly we were there together. You caught me off guard when you invited me inside. You were living with your mother again. I said "I thought you had moved downtown?" And you said "Well I had. But it didn't work out." I felt shitty about how good it felt to hear that. Your mom gave me that look. The same one she gave me the last time I saw her in real life. That look that somehow said "oh, you're here? That's okay. I don't dislike you I just can't understand why we all keep pretending this will ever work out" I've never seen someone's face say so much so quickly but it's the same look I've gotten the few times that she's looked at me since 2009. I think my face always says something like "but maybe this time it will. Maybe you won't have to look at me this way for much longer. I have so much hope. But you're probably right" in response. Suddenly we were there together. Everywhere together. I don't know what she looks like in real life. I saw her in passing once and I've seen a picture or two online. But I've never heard her speak. I've never seen her movements. I don't know how she holds her hands when she talks or walks. I don't know what it looks like when she laughs or cries or daydreams. So every time I dream of you and consequently dream of her, I'm not sure who I'm actually seeing. But I always love her. When I dream of you we are always together. And she is always close by. And I always love her. I always feel this intense sadness for ruining what you've built with her. And I always wake up a little too early to know for sure but I have a strong sense that we never last and that you end up with her again in the end. Anyway. I dreamt of you the other night. And suddenly we were together. And I'm sad and happy at the same time that I can still see you when I close my eyes.
