Pity Party of Three (me and my two kidney stones)
I'm collecting kidney stones, and the first one totally fucked with my exams last year, and even though it wasn't ruinous and my uni is super cool with these things, I wanted to change course as it was a crystallizing moment (hahahahahha) for me and I realised there was no point studying Economics and Philosophy just so I could have something quantitative on my degree so I would be qualified for a high pressure financial post I would despise. As a result I am now studying Philosophy, Logic and Scientific Method (still a BSc which is cool) and I'm feeling really good about it, very moral high ground etc. Also despite the horrors I did really well in my sole Philo module last year, so I'm betting I will find this new course both rewarding and successful. HOWEVER. I am now getting very nervous about going back to Uni this year and am convinced everyone will assume I just flunked the year because I have no brain, when I actually did pretty well, and that I don't really belong as changing courses is a wildly uncommitted and flaky thing to do. I'm also super concerned that as I am apparently a kidney stone farm (already have two more) I will be effected by my physical health problems in a very detrimental way, and that I will just consistently under-perform this year, and the next etc to the point where I don't know whether it's worth pursuing a degree at all. I know that sounds insane, but I was woozy and in pain and exhausted for two weeks before the first one, then in hospital for a day, then back to my family home for a week and on pain meds etc for several weeks after that while my insides recover from being torn to shreds and yet again, woozy and sleepy from said pills. That means that for a basic pass it yourself stone, I will be out of action/not operating on all cylinders for around a month at least - and this is not even considering potential procedures to removes larger stones, quarterly hospital appointments to keep on top of it, other medical problems etc.
So frankly I'm terrified and am completely panicking about going back to uni this year, as well as mortified to be a fresher again, even though it's through choice and is the Right Thing To Do. I feel really pathetic and there are absolutely no resources out there for this kind of situation.
Fortunately my uni has a 'studentship' for those destroyed by illness during exams which will help towards the added cost, but still, the extra year is a real financial hardship - just so I can have grades that reflect my ability and not a random and unforseen few weeks of internal destruction. It doesn't seem fair :/
So tomorrow I'm going to see my academic advisor, but I have no doubt I'll cry because I get so anxious in these human interaction situations and don't feel like the kidney stones are an excuse for not excelling, and just generally feel nauseous whenever I think about my Uni which is devastating because I love it SO much, more I think than a lot of people in attendance who see it as nothing more than a springboard to highly paid jobs, or bragging rights as it is a top university.
I literally fell in love with the atmosphere of learning and understanding in this place, and I know that I sound stupid and poncy but I'm not, not really, I just really like to learn and wanted to do myself proud and now I feel like such a disappointment.
I literally despise my kidney stones.
Sorry for the pity party, but I needed to get it out.
