Crown's "Get the Fuck Out!" spell - Dead People Verison
So you've some nasty creepers hanging around. A ghost is rattling their chain and banging on walls. What a rude fucker. What do you do?
Summon your courage. Buck the fuck up. Look, ghosts are just dead people. They're still fucking people. They might be assholes or they might be sweethearts. Don't lump all ghosts together. I'm not saying don't be scared because, fuck that, there's invisible fucking people in your house. That's nightmare fuel. But you can be scared and still be brave.
Get pissed. No, really. Get fucking angry. This sort of behavior isn't acceptable. Think of alllllllllll the reasons you want them gone. Channel your inner Hulk if you have to.
Open ALL the doors and windows as much as you can. Make sure you can get to every single window and door in all the rooms plus the basement and attic if you have one. Even the closets, crawlspaces, cupboards, etc. ALL OF THEM.I'm not saying fling open that don't and let Spot the Housecat get outside but even cracking it the tiniest bit will help. Clean the hallways and pathways as you'll need to move as quickly as you can. Locking up said pets in their carriers, crate, cages, etc. during this is helpful too. You might want to chase out other people too. I find exorcising shit works best when I'm alone or with another woo~ person or two is helpful. You can get kids involved too, as I'll explain in point 7.
Give a warning. Tell those dead intruders to get the fuck out. Threaten their ass with an exorcism.
Now get the chalk, salt, holy water, and rosemary herb stick. FYI, neither salt nor holy water works all the time but it works most of the time. For an herb stick get a bunch of rosemary and dry it together in a bundle. Ta-da. Pour some salt in your water to dissolve it. I find sticking the water in a squirt bottle or water gun works well. Figure out a system that works well so you can carry the herb stick, water, salt, and chalk. I find using a small salt pouch clipped to my pants by a carabiner works remarkably well.
Prep your protection shit. Get that shit ready to go. I tend to use rosemary, salt water, salt, chalk, and bay. Whatever works for you. Put it all in the same room you start in if you can't carry it with you.
Chase it the fuck out. Yell and move as quickly as you can. Tell it to get the fuck out. It's not welcome here and it needs to fucking go. Tell it all sorts of lies like if it comes back you'll eat it or sic your familiars on it. IDK, just be as scary as possible. Start in the lowest portion of the house and work your way up. As you go, toss a light coating of salt at the windows, doors, closets, cupboards, etc. Spritz water in the same place as you're throwing salt but also include the corners of the rooms and mirrors too. Slam door, window, cupboard, etc. shut. Now mark it with an 'X' in chalk. You could put a protection or banishing symbol up too. I just find the X easier. It should be clearly visible. If it isn't, go back over it with the water. Do that with each and every room all the way up to the highest point of the house. It's easier with more people and kids will have fun yelling at ghosts and throwing salt, squirting water, and slamming the windows and doors. If you're lucky and have a third person available, they can come along behind you and lay on the protection right afterwards.
Make your home a fortress. Lock that shit up. Coat the glass, mirrors, faucets, etc with protection oil or water. Was the floor in a protection floor was. Go ahead and wash the walls and doors too. As you clean and protect each room, feel free to wipe off any of those chalk 'X's you run across. Make sure you bolster those defenses every so often to keep shit out.
What was that? You want to be subtle about it? Fine. Steep rosemary in salt water for 10-15 minutes. Pour that in a drinking glass and open one single window or door. Now go from each room as subtly as you can in step seven. Skip the yelling but just dab or flick the water. Be sure to get all the windows, doors, mirrors, and corner.
If this sort of spell doesn't work, you'll need to step up your game and become a Ghostbuster.
(BTW, I know this isn't the same as the "Living People Version" but they have the same name in my book.)
ADDENDUM: In reference to the word "holy" previously being crossed out, I have commentary on why it was. (TL;DR: It was in reference to the very many holy water recipes that summarily are not created with a divine in mind and I forgot to explain the slight.) I have since uncrossed the word holy in deference for divinely created holy water.
