#extremely vulnerable

[skunkes]

it wld be fun to have my three as woodland/forest animals (wrt bear al, and smunker). maybe talon as a deer (because those fanged deer do exist even if they wldnt be same region or even same species) (also wld be fun callback to my first fursona as well as another Cheye Talon Connector). Could do fun stuff with horns.... and, like, baby deer top 3 symbols of youth innocence purity. fear. more direct message of why it would be kinda terrifying for him to look like that when he feeds

[fluid-sexuality]

I talked to a friend who understands and knows the story. She started telling me how fucked up it was that on that weekend you wanted to sleep in a bed with someone else and have me there.

I never told you, but that fucking broke me. I never realized how much until I broke down in her car. I haven’t sobbed like that in a while. 

Then when I found out you slept together and joked that I would be jealous was a knife straight to my heart. 

Then your friend told me you were dating after I explicitly said I didn’t want to know. That was my head to the concrete. 

I know you don’t care. I know you think I’m a sad excuse for a human being because I have feelings I can’t control. You treated me like a puppet that you played with until you got bored and threw me away. 

I should hate you for this. For the added trust issues. For the constant paranoia. For the times I have to hide my face and close my eyes when I’m driven past the courthouse. For all the hurt I’ve continued to feel. But I can’t. 

Nobody understand why I can’t just say, “Wow that was fucked up and I deserve better.” I don’t believe that. I wanted that life we had planned and I thought that was my chance to beat this suicidal mind. I can’t let that idea go and every day it kills me again.

[fluid-sexuality]

March is going to be one of the scariest months for my recovery.

March 3rd I find out if I’ve been accepted into a DBT group.  It’s 18 weeks.

March 16th I start the process of applying for disability. I’ve been off work since my mental break in mid-October 2019. I’ve been living life with no income, $0.88 in my bank account, so being accepted would mean I could continue my recovery process without worrying about being in poverty. 

I’m terrified, but in the long run I know these things could help me live a longer life than I thought possible. We’ll see in March I guess.

[amanduhx]

nobody touch me.