s,
maybe this is me thinking based on ideals and stereotypes. but i don't think we're right for each other. you used to say that we were different from one another, and that usually you want to find someone to complement you, but i think that maybe those were our outer layers, and we were speaking prematurely. i think, maybe, we're too similar. we struggle with similar things, we care -- to an extent -- about similar things. we may view the world differently and have different political opinions, but we view our passions in similar ways. i wonder if we're similar and different in the ways that are important.
i'm sorry if my earlier behaviors misled you. maybe you didn't see me as i truly was. you saw someone that bantered, was more emotionally distant, had a better work ethic and relations with people, and i think was even funnier.
i'm not that person anymore. maybe it was the lack of meds from last night and my current throbbing headache, but that person you saw was me in a different phase of my life. i'm a lot worse now.
maybe one day, we'll find people that are better for us. sometimes i think i'm only a bad influence for you. i sleep late, play video games, avoid my thesis, don't manage myself or my feelings or my time well. maybe one day you'll find a morning person that's responsible and put together and religious and she'll be good for you. she'll be fit and hot and you'll find her attractive and she'll maintain herself.
right now, i can't be any of those things. i'm sorry for all the things i could possibly be but don't have the threshold for.
on the other hand, maybe i'll find someone that's stable and direct and knows what they want, and is kind and gentle and understands me.
i used to think you were my dream romantic partner. i'm beginning to see that with who we are right now, maybe we can just be really good friends. for where i am, i'm too sensitive for you. i'm at a fragile point in my life. i feel like i'll only be bad for you. there are much better people.
there's the optimistic part of me that thinks maybe sometime in the future, but really, if this is our worst states and the problem is timing, then how can we be there for each other in the future, if we ever get at a bad point in our lives too?
and when we get to whatever line this has, i'll understand if you don't fight for me. i think you said this friendship was for one part of our lives only anyways. i'm okay with that.
sometimes i wonder if you've realized all this already. i wonder if you're just waiting, like anton did, for an out; an opportunity to make your exit. a part of me wonders if you're only staying because you find me physically attractive - i almost wish i hadn't done it, and maybe then i wouldn't have any more doubts.
other times i wonder if this is my trauma response. i think the thing with anton left me in shock for awhile. the anxious build up, the feeling of losing touch with them, the being told that i was overthinking, only for the confirmation to suddenly arrive without any seeming precedent.
maybe it's easier to stay anxiously on edge than to be comfy -- there's less shock that way.
other times i think maybe this is me not being on my meds today. is this a biochemical thing? is this a hormonal imbalance; am i about to go on my period again? the problem when i'm like this is that i don't know which thoughts are real anymore. when your mind seems like its running at a million miles per minute, the truth gets blurred. everything is dizzying.
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on other friends and people:
- i wonder if people only play valorant with me because i'm usually with sam and being with sam means good games whether its in the form of entertainment or wins
- if not valo, i think maybe meg and everyone else only stays friends because it'd be easier to keep me at a distance than to cut the friendship.
- and that wouldn't be their fault. i let a lot of people down. i hate my social battery sometimes. i wish i could be normal and sociable and not get scared of messages and replies.
- i hate myself. and i wish i was dead.












