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Me and my fairies had a fairy party yesterday buuut when I turned back into a human this part got all stubborn and the ๐งโโ๏ธ dust wonโt get off ๐ oooops โจ๐ซ๐๐งโโ๏ธ๐ฅ๐๐ธ๐ฑ๐๐งโโ๏ธ๐งโโ๏ธ๐๐๐๐ #fairydust #fairymakeup #fairyart #fairyparty #fairyproblems https://www.instagram.com/p/BzC-QIQhwk2/?igshid=1tepwvhqcujih
Just like all the rest. You become captivated, curious, you can't get enough. As time goes by the spark dims. It comes to the point where you begin to stray-- And you never look back once you've walked away.
This is how I've always lived.
tumors, valrico, & demons.
I had a pretty great weekend. Anyway, let's begin. On the drive back to Valrico I started getting these bad thoughts all rushing through my head at once. Once I got to the roads closest to my house, the faces of random teachers and students at Dr'nt were all flashing; classrooms, the bus rides, the walks, and school as a whole. I had visions of my house, the neighborhood, just everything. Everything I unfortunately have to see basically every day. And I started tearing up. I think I only know one person who truly has felt the way I have about this sort of thing, but even then he wouldn't be able to comprehend what I go through. I thought I was going to have a breakdown right there in the car with my mom but I held it back because I know what she would've done.
I also had flashes of being ill. My head has been throbbing in one specific part and my paranoia tells me it's probably a tumor or something. Regardless if it's true or not, I become hysteric. I have thoughts of them having to shave my hair for surgery, and it makes me want to cry like an infant. I see myself fighting and saying I'd rather just go off and kill myself and sometimes if my head is in a very bad place, I see it happening. I think of all these terrible things and I can't stop, it doesn't go away no matter how hard I try and there's so much more. I know I'm fat, but I used to be able to suck my stomach in so much farther and now it just gets hard. Why? I convince myself I'm not pregnant so that doesn't eat at me as much, but there is always a possibility. And what if there's something wrong with me there too? What if I have cysts or something causing it to be hard?
And then there's all the ridiculous things that race through my thoughts about him. That child. I'm torn by my feelings for him and no matter what I do or how long he ignores my existence, I can't get him out of my head completely. I don't think about him 24/7, but when he does cross my mind it hurts because, well, that's all he does to me. He hurts me. He says nice things and claims them to be true, but he treats me as nothing better than the nasty gum stuck to his shoe. I can't talk to him, he doesn't even want me to. He's so absorbed in his life with Pierce and D.j. and whatever little girl he's trying to get with at the time. If he can forget and push me away so easily why the fuck can't I do it too? Am I supposed to just keep feeling this way until I finally become pushed over the edge, possibly? I miss him. Oh, Satan, I miss him so very much.
I always feelย nauseous for some reason. I'm giving up on eating regularly. & for the majority of the time I just want to go throw up all over and bawl until my eyes bleed. I'm a sick, disgusting, pathetic, being; yet I'm so brilliant, I know I am. I deserve to be a fairy and someday have my wings. I deserve all the best of things, I do. But I am so worthless in the eyes of the world and you can accomplish nothing if a greater force wants to work against you.
I wish I could tell my friends how I truly am, to be myself. I wish I could talk to Keith as easily as I could before-- sometimes I just want him to listen to me and understand things that other people don't. I don't just miss talking to him in general, I miss being able to trust him, to tell him anything and everything without being a burden or annoying.
But I can't do any of this. I can't do anything I desire to do. So I act as numbly as I can to get through my days, and try to enjoy the better times as much as possible. But at the end of the day, I'm just an inconsolable and grieving old soul.
I don't wish for death, but these days I feel as if it's there and waiting.
