Rue narration: Fezco was in love. Never thought I’d say these words. To be fair, talking about love was never a thing between Fez and me. But he was, even if he didn’t know it yet.
Fez was closing up shop, and his normally mellow heart and slowed mind would just focus on the task at hand. Yet, this time, he could feel the air shift differently around him. You were sitting on top of the shop, dangling your legs from the roof, lying back on the concrete, reading.
You had been here all afternoon. Bouncing in with your sweet smile and even kinder heart, like sunshine personified or some shit. -paus- Fez deserved that. Deserved your kind words, your soft heart, your shy smile, and your gentle touches. He had enough people who wanted or needed shit from him. But with you, with you, he could just be, and you with him.
As usual, you grabbed your favorite drink and a snack before climbing the roof and enjoying the sun. Sometimes, when the day was slow, Fez would climb up with you, but he had to restock some things with Ash.
You would usually put a 5 dollar bill on the counter, shoot him a smile, and either sit next to him, sharing the very same snacks you just bought, or if he were sitting outside, you would put the money in the register and walk out to sit next to him on the warm concrete floor in the shadow.
But today you had a new book with you. Whenever you were reading something new, there was no separating you and your book. Fez found it endearing, even though he would never use that word.
Fez finished closing up the shop and nodded to Ash.
“You Imma be home in a minute.”
He gave his brother a fist bump, but he just nodded with his usual stoicness. Tough if Fez had not been in such a hurry, he would have seen that slight smirk, what most people would call a shit-eating grin, only a sibling can muster, on Ash's face.
Fez grabbed the bottle of your favorite drink, stuffing it in the deep pocket of his sweatpants, and hastily climbed up the roof.
You were still enthralled with whatever you were reading. He never asked you about what you were reading; all he had to do was glance in your direction, and you would start rambling. He liked it. Liked the way you waved your arms around, how animated you got when describing a scene, like suddenly you came alive.
Fez tried to think whether he had ever felt like that about something, and quickly realized he had not.
“Well, that’s the good thing about life, Fez, you could find the thing you love tomorrow.”
Normally, Fez would give his one-word answers or just nod at whoever was spotting some philosophical shit. But there was something about the way you said things. It made him wanna believe. So, he would just lean back and let the words sink in.
Fez settled next to you, his feet dangling off the side of the roof, too, and lighting a blunt, glancing at you. You were still reading, your fingers tracing the lines until you reached the end of a paragraph.
Looking up from underneath your eyelashes, you smiled at him. “Can I read something to you?” “Hm,” You went back a few pages, where a sticky note in the form of a cat was sticking out. Your books always looked like this. Little notes written in with a pencil, about things you agreed or disagreed, your thoughts and feelings, as well as sticky notes.
You repositioned yourself, sitting crosslegged facing him, you began to read: “I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace.” You looked up at him, already stored the quote somewhere in the vast depth of your mind, “against hope, against happiness,” you had to look away from his beautiful blue eyes. “against all discuragment that could be.” You let the last words linger. Smiling to yourself.
Fez wished he’d knew what you were thinking about. But for now all he could do was stare, feel the racing of his heart, the closing of his lungs, the way gravity was pulling him to you. He had never felt a quote, a sentence, a thought as deeply as he did right now, because he did love you against reason, promise, peace, hope, hapiness, against all discuragment that could be, and he fucking loved it. It must be the most addictive feeling he had ever felt, and also the most selfish. Knowing that you deserved more than what he was, what he could be, what he will be, and what he could offer. But for now, watching the soft sunset light splayed out on your cheeks, reflected in your eyes was enough to make him be at peace.
Warnings: Suicide topic discussion, Drugs, Typical Euphoria fucked up-ness, some angst, some comfort
*pic found on Pinterest
You and Fezco were sitting on the couch, him on the left, you on the right, watching some sci-fi movie on TV while sharing a blunt. Fey was sitting on the floor beside you. Occasionally, you would brush your hand through her hair.
When you first met, you were not sure what to think of her, but it turned out she was genuinely kind and cared for Fez and Ash. Even if the latter did not engage with her much, that was typical of Ash; he needed far longer to warm up to people, considering how he grew up. You were surprised he tolerated people outside of Fez at all.
You glanced over at Fez; he had a smirk on his face, his freckles squished together on his drawn-up cheek. As usual, you got stuck on the way his eyelashes fluttered, framing his eyes like a crown. He truly was handsome, you thought. Especially right now, relaxing for the first time in days. The past couple of days had been tough on Fez; you could see it in the way his shoulders slumped, as if gravity were trying to bring him to his knees. You just sat there for now, smoked a blunt, and watched some TV, in hopes that he could clear his mind a bit.
That was the thing about Fez, he was quite, quite with his emotions, his thoughts, his feelings. When you grow up the way he did, it was understandable. So for now, you had to wait and see if a crack in his facade of quitness would appear, and you could slither in and show him that he did not have to carry the world alone.
But your quiet evening was interrupted by the last person you wanted to see. Rue was banging on the door. She had been going between periods of withdrawal and highness for a while. She was part of the reason Fez’s shoulders were sunken.
Fez got up, his steps heavier than usual, the smirk that made your heart flutter disappearing in an instant, as he made his way to Ash's room by the entrance, where Rue was already ranting and raving. She was low on some shit or another. You could not care less what drugs she was on. But you did care for Rue; it broke your heart to see this sweet, genuinely kind person so unhinged.
Getting up, you walked towards the kitchen table. Fezco had his back to Rue, pretending not to hear Rue and her rantings, but you saw the tenseness of his back.
“Common, Rue,” he said in his slow, slightly inaudible speech pattern. “I got nothin’ here, no more.” And even if he did, he would not sell to you; that part was silent.
Your heart broke for both of them, but you could cry later about it, when the shades were drawn and your face hidden in the covers.
Soon, it escalated, and Rue pulled her ultimate card. “It is better than killing myself, that is where I am add.” Maybe it was the way Fez’s face fell, the gaslighting on Rue's part, or your own repressed emotion that just exploded.
You pushed past Rue, opened one of the kitchen drawers, and took a knife.
“Here,” you threw the knife on the table.
“Go ahead.” You stared her dead in the eye.
Fuck this shit, fuck you for trying anything to get what you want. You knew addicts were liars, and maybe it was true, and she would slit her wrists, but if she did, you could always get her to a hospital.
Rue stared at you for a second, and you stepped closer to her. “Fucking do it then.” Fez was walking around you, trying to reach for the knife.
“Stay out of this.” You grabbed his arm.
He had never seen you like this, the coldness, the rage, your body drawn tight like a bowstring.
“You wanna fucking kill yourself?” You waved the knife at her before slamming the pointy end into the table. “You are full of shit.” The knife stood between you, too. She just kept looking at you with this anger, sadness, and pain reflected in her eyes that only people like her reflect - addicts.
Letting out a sigh, you sat down opposite her. Your anger is gone, and sadness is seeping into you. You wanted to say something, anything to help her, but your mind was blank, and before you could come up with something;
“Fuck you,” Rue said and got up and stormed out of the house.
Fez followed her to the front door. You were still rooted to the chair when he came back, your hands folded, looking at the knife.
Clearing your throat, you wedged the knife out of the dinner table, “Sorry about your table.” You kept twisting the knife in your hand, not ready to look at Fezco yet. Would he be mad, disgusting? You had, after all, just given his little sister a knife and told her to kill herself. Even though you did not mean it. She was using it to manipulate him and everyone around him. You just gave it a 60-40 chance that she was bluffing. Still, it hurt, it hurt doing that to Rue. In the end, she was a good person, maybe not well, but good.
You glanced behind you. Fez was leaning against a kitchen cabinet. He was watching you with his typical quietness. It was not the first time you wished he was easier to read.
Your head fell forward, your hand rubbing your temple for what felt like the 100th time. You let out a big breath, then took a second to just block everything out and concentrate on shutting down your emotions. If Fez was angry at you and wanted you to leave, cut all ties with you, you did not want to show just how much that would hurt.
A warm hand on your shoulder startles you out of your mind. A small smile appeared on your sad face. You grabbed his fingers and leaned your head against the back of his hand.
“I am sorry if I went too far.” Too far in your eyes was the unsaid part. You stood by your decision to call Rue out.
Breathing in deeply, you turned to him,
“You know she just said that shit to manipulate you.” You still held onto his hand, the warmth each one gave off grounding the other.
“Yeah, ma.” he squeezed your shoulder. But you were not sure if he believed it.
“Let’s finish that movie.” And just like that, the quiet mask was on again, and he walked over to the couch, lit a blunt, and pressed play.
Normally, you would have gotten up, pretended as if nothing happened, and gone along with Fez until you would spot an opening to pry for his feelings. Even though you were sure if you asked Fez anything, he would answer straight up. That was the kind of person he was. But that was not the kind of person you had been raised to be. From a young age, you learned that you are always better off with a really good lie.
At least Rue had an excuse to gaslight, you thought, still sitting at the kitchen table. Your mind was too occupied to give your body commands like "smile slightly" so Fez would think everything was fine, and walk over to the couch and sit like you were, so we could all pretend this did not happen.
Any other day, any other topic you would have, but not this time. You got up and went to the bathroom, trying to get away from anything and anyone.
You sat on the cold tile floor. Your thighs are cooling slowly and bringing you out of your brain fog. You felt yourself get colder and colder for a while.
“Ya good, ma?” Fez's voice rang from down the hallway.
Quickly, you got up, and after a deep breath, you put on a small smile, even though you would have loved to stare at the wall for the next hour or so.
Fez was standing down the hall, looking at you with his baby blues.
“Yeah, I’m good,” you mumbled. “I just thought I got my period.”
You squeezed past Fezco, “False alarm.”
Casually, like the past hour had not happened, you plopped onto the couch, grabbed one of the crochet blankets, and made yourself at home on the couch.
“You know you should let me braid your hair sometime.” Fey smiled at you and nodded.
You three watched some trash TV for the rest of the afternoon. As soon as 6 p.m. hit, Fez had to go. But as usual, if someone was home, like Fey, you were welcome to stay too. A couple of weeks ago, he dragged Fey everywhere, not trusting her alone in the house, but now he treated her like family. It was sweet, and one of the reasons Fez occupied such a big part of your heart. Even if he did not know it.
Fey and you were trying different braids on her. Currently, you were working on a braid crown when Fez shot you both a nod before heading to the store.
You lit another blunt, still trying to forget what had happened earlier. Fay had fallen asleep an hour or so ago, passed out from whatever drug she was taking.
You were lying on the couch, just smoking and staring at the drawn curtains, when Fez and Ash came in. You had not realized how late it had gotten.
Ash went straight to his room, doing whatever this kid was doing.
“Hey, ma, you still here?”
“Yeah, sorry, I didn’t realize how late it was.” You got up, folded the crochette blanket, and draped it over the back of the couch.
“Nah, you good.” He came over, standing near you.
There it was, the opening you had been waiting for, his eyes tired but open. Standing in front of you like there was something he needed, something he wanted. You were not sure what, but the crack in his quietness was ringing loud in your ears.
“You okay?” You took a step closer.
He took a deep breath, nodding his head, “Yeah, guess so.”
You can do this, you can be open with Fez.
“I am sorry if I-” you could not look him in the eyes, remembering the tension from earlier. “You know I didn’t mean what I said to Rue, right?” Pressing your lips together, you tried not to cry. All of this shit is so messed up. How was anyone supposed to deal with this?
“I know.” He hugged you, pulling you into his chest. “I know.”
Fay was still clocked out on the couch. So you ignored her. Just enjoying the feeling of Fez's arm around you, the sound of his heart, and the warmth radiating off his chest. Closing your eyes, you breathed in his cologne.
“You know there is a difference between wanting to kill yourself and wanting rest, right?”
“Watchyu mean?” Fez pulled back, and you already regretted saying anything, wanting his arms around you for just a bit longer.
Glanzing back at Fay, you grabbed Fez's arm. You could feel yourself closing up again.
“Come on, it’s late, you should go to bed.”
But Fez was not about to let you. Normally, Fez did not like anyone in his room. It was the one place where he could just be himself, something that belongs to him.
“It’s far too late for you to be going home.” Fez pulled out a long shirt and sweatpants, handing them to you. “You can take the bed, I finna sleep on the couch.”
You could not help but soften for this supposed hard-drug dealer who looked away shyly, turning around when you changed, who offered to take the couch, who would never judge you.
So maybe you could be brave, could draw some strength from him.
“A therapist once said, ' Do you want rest or do you want to die?” You sat on the dresser. “It changed the way I was thinking about a lot of things. Do you want rest, or do you want to die?”
Fez watched you sitting on his bed.
“Even though I wasn’t sure which one Rue wants, I was pretty certain it is rest she wants. If she wanted to truly die, she would have killed herself already. She would not struggle, fight, and crawl back and forth between sober and high.”
You got up, making your way towards him, and you stood between his legs, wanting the closeness back. Your eyes are watering thinking about all the shit that happened that made you know the difference between wanting to die and wanting rest.
Fez pulled you onto his lap, whipping a single tear from your eyes.
“I have known some people who wished for death, and not for rest. I don’t think Rue is one of them. But I am sorry if I crossed a line.” You cupped his cheek, hoping he could see the sincerity in your eyes.
Fez leaned forward, his forehead pressed to yours. “I know, ma.” You held each other until the sun started to rise again, drawing comfort from each other.
Lexi: I don't understand what happened to you, like your conscience. It's like you've all lost your fսcking minds, you, Cassie, Rue.
Maddy: Rue's always been crazy.
Lexi: Not like this. She was just here ranting about Black cowboys and Nazis, and how she works for the drսg Enforcement Administration. Like, it's insane.
Maddy: Calm down, I'm just trying to find your sister.
Lexi: Okay, well, she's probably doing pοrn, thanks to you.
