#fidofiles

[divinecomedian]

Bigla ko naalala yung ginawa kong video for your birthday. Sa kilig at sayang naramdaman natin then, nakakalungkot na ngayon. I do love you still. I have no idea why, but I do. Strange, really.

[divinecomedian]

And it takes all my strength not to dig you up From the ground in which you lay The biggest part of me, You were the greatest thing And now you're just a memory To let go of

Paramore, In the Mourning

[divinecomedian]

Naalala ko bigla kapag nakasakay na tayo gasak, tapos spontaneously magpapaabot tayo sa Generals para kumain muna. Tapos kwentuhan muna habang naghihintay ihaw, tapos kukuha tayo marami kanin na hindi ko kaya ubusin lahat dahil pati yung share mo ako uubos. hahahaha.

fuck.

I miss you terribly. Ang malala pa doon, di kita makausap.

Ayaw na talaga kita guluhin pa. Selfishness na kung gagambalain ko yung happiness mo kasi ako hindi masaya. Seryoso ako, ayaw na kita guluhin. 

Maybe I'll revisit Generals before I leave. I hope you wont see me there. But I hope I do catch a glimpse of you.

[divinecomedian]

I wonder if you replay the same memories that I do, or

sing along to the same songs,

cry on the same movies.

I always wonder how your day went.

[divinecomedian]

Ganun ba talaga sila kagalit sa akin? Ano ba nagawa ko para kagalitan nila ako nang sobra? Minahal lang kita nakikita man nila o hindi. Rinespeto ko sila sa higit ng makakaya ko. Just to be clear, I am keeping my last promise na hindi na kita gagambalain dahil masaya ka na. Gusto ko lang iexpress yung disbelief sa nalaman ko.

Do I deserve this, Max?

Humihingi ako ng tawad sa inyong lahat. Masakit lang... napamahal na rin kasi ako sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan nila gawin yun. Kung nakita man nila ikaw na umiiyak o may mga kwentong umabot sa kanila na nadagdagan o nabawasan, humihingi ako ng tawad.

It's not important kung ano naging dahilan. Natagpuan kitang masaya, at natapos tayong masaya ka. I assume na totoong masaya ka. Kaya takang taka ako bakit kailangan magalit sila.

Whatever the reason, I am sorry. Humihingi ako ng tawad. HIndi mo na makikita miske anino ko. Sorry sa lahat ng nangyari. Sorry sa parents mo, sa inyong lahat. I'd personally apologize pero that would violate my promise. Hindi ko lang lubos maisip na may sama ng loob sila sa'kin. 

[divinecomedian]

suddenly came to me that I used to write all these "max and pao was here" messages everywhere we go. I let her catch me doing it a handful of times especially when it would definitely make her smile. (Once, on a dirty church window on the way home after visiting her old friend's baby in laguna) but most of the time she had no idea. It was this silly, romantic, sentimental part of me who did all these back then...

back then? I make it seem like those happened decades ago.

Or maybe it is? Maybe not in the same sense of time that people perceive it, because as far as I know, that naive, romantic, reminiscent part of me is now on its death bed, barely holding on, surrounded by all the good (and handpicked not-so-good) memories it preserved all those 'years'.

and my hands are the ones keeping the blood steady

keeping the memories alive, and ive been pumping its heart for so long, I fear the breaking of a rib or two.

I should stop

i MUST stop

but I won't. because I'm an idiot. I am an idiot.

[divinecomedian]

wish you were here with me tonight

[divinecomedian]

it comes so suddenly...

somehow it gets a little lonely.. and then your thoughts magically find their way to her.. and then you get gradually worse, lonelier.. and then your eyes start to water.. and then you scrounge for a funny thought or a happy memory... and by then you start to feel better... slowly