is a big part of my life.
Not saying it's generally healthy. I mean, I end up crying. A lot. Panic attacks used to be common, but I think a lot of people have them. When you're going through change or stressful times, your body reacts how it can.
Guilt from the perspective of creation, at least how I see it.
Is... very hindering to the creative process.
I wrote a poorly crafted little flashy short story thingoo about it called the crisis.
And I don't think it captured what I meant very well, but I haven't returned to it as of yet either.
I like some of my images. It's first draft stuff. It'll see the light of day sometime...
But... what if it doesn't?
See, that's my worry. That I'll keep telling myself. Oh I'll get to it.
Oh those 80,000 words I need to write?
Oh that outline I need to expand?
Oh that idea that is now living inside my ear canal because I haven't moved it from my brain in years?
This cycle happens at least twelve times a day in my head. At least. I swear.
Probably more like twelve hundred times.
The point being, I feel guilty when I'm not creating. I feel my happiest when writing, when collaborating with others to create a song, a story, a picture. I know that's what I'm meant to do.
So... why not do it? Seems like the simplest answer, right?
Well, with guilt, there's always two sides for me.
I feel guilty if I'm not working on a project.
But if I am working on a project, working on it so concentrated that everything else falls away and I am within myself and I see connections I never saw before... What happens to that "everything else"?
Societal duties like keeping up with the news for one thing.
Personal health -- eating right, working out, sleeping exactly the right amount of hours your body needs every night and taking the time to find out what that right amount of time is...
There's a lot I could be doing, mainly, where my brain goes, volunteer work. Giving back to the community.
If I'm spending all my time writing my "adventures"... what am I doing giving back?
Guilt is a nasty cycle in my mind and I'll never win. Never ever.
And it comes down to channeling that guilty energy into an activity. For a long while, it was staring at a computer screen. At YouTube videos. At Netflix. I would gaze longingly at the lives I wished I could reach, blaming everything outside of myself for my lack of productivity.
Though the guilt will always be there, whispering in my ear to give up, throw in the towel and lie back on the train tracks ‘cuz the engine's on its way...
I've found that fighting back, while difficult, is very worth it.
Forcing creation doesn't feel the greatest at first, but it's the first steps. Habits need to be forged. Muscles need to be loosened.
But once the momentum is found... The guilt vanishes.
And I realize I can find the time to fit all those things into my life. Moderation is key. Scheduling is key. Allowing wiggle room is definitely key.
I struggle with guilt every day, and I know a lot of other creators, especially writers that I know, are struggling with the same thing.
It's a pretty sad image to think about, but I feel the guilt makes up part of the creation process itself. If the art is too easy, then what's the point? where's the challenge? How will the brain stretch and bend if everything is spoon fed?
I’m trying to accept the guilt and rework it in my mind.
