» [ RECORDING BEGINS: Low click followed by ambient noise (traffic, rain on window.) Atypically long silence. ]
WALKER
Doc said some bullshit about-- [clears throat] --about how I should try putting it into words. Y'know, if I'm not sleeping. Said giving it a name might help.
[Brief pause. Audible exhale.]
WALKER
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to call it, though. I don't know the words for this shit, man. I guess I feel… sick, or something, but not in a way anybody can do shit about.
[Longer pause. Chair creaks faintly.]
WALKER
It's like something's rotting inside me. It doesn't even hurt, I think. That I could deal with.
WALKER
Sometimes I catch myself just like… standing still. Like I forgot what I was doing. Kinda feels like-- like I'm out of sync with everything? Like I'm watching a replay of myself two seconds behind. I don't know. This sounds really dramatic.
[NOTE: Tone more subdued than usual. Almost dull.]
WALKER
Sometimes it feels like-- [irritated noise, rustling] My head is too loud. Like I'm forgetting something important all the time. And if I don't figure it out, something bad's gonna happen. Something bad already happened. It hasn't reached me yet but it's on its way.
WALKER
Sometimes I get up like… Jesus, three or four times a night, I guess? And just kinda, y'know. Walk the Tower to check. Listen to everyone breathing. Maybe their heartbeats if it's quiet enough. I know that makes me sound like a fucking freak, I just--
[Abrupt silence. Quiet thunk, like subject had let his hand fall.]
WALKER
Whatever. I know how that sounds. But it's like if I don't do it, something will happen. If I ignore it, that's the night somebody doesn't wake up. [with increasing agitation] And I don't even feel better when I check. That's the worst part. It doesn't even feel good. It's just quiet for like, three fucking seconds. It's stupid. I know it's stupid.
WALKER
I don't think anybody's caught me yet. Maybe they have and they just don't give a shit.
[ CLICK ]
» [ RECORDING STOPS ]
**[ NOTE: Here the recording stops and restarts abruptly. Deleted segment has been recovered to the best of our ability on page two. ]**
» [ RECORDING RESUMES ]
WALKER
Anyway, uh. I'm supposed to end these on a positive note, right? Or something? You said it doesn't have to be true.
WALKER
Still here, I guess. That's all you're getting out of me. Bye.
[CLICK]
» [ RECORDING ENDS ]
**[ CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE ]**
**[ DELETED SEGMENT -- RECOVERED FROM MONITORING DEVICE CAM #17-E, REC. MIC ]**
[ Audio slightly muffled / distorted. ]
WALKER
Sometimes there's something just out of view. In the next room. Like someone left a TV on, but it's [inaudible] fucking static.
WALKER
I thought I saw someone standing at the end of the hallway last week. I pulled a knife before I knew why, I was just-- standing there with [inaudible]. Like I was waiting for something.
[ Brief pause. Subject laughs. ]
WALKER
I know better than to tell anyone that part, though. You say 'I heard a voice' and people start [inaudible] fuckin' eggshells. Say it twice and you're getting a needle in your neck. No offense to Bobby, but we don't need two people saying weird shit all the time.
» [ RECORDING BEGINS: Low click followed by ambient noise (HVAC, overhead lights.) Muffled clank of weights being put away. ]
[Long pause. Faint rustle of fabric, foot tapping.]
WALKER
Guess I'm uh-- Just checking in, like you asked. Probably shouldn't be clocking these in outside of my room, but whatever.
WALKER
Things are… whatever. Middle of the road. Not good, not a fucking nightmare, so I'll take it.
[Metal clink (note: dog tags). Subject begins pacing at a measured rate.]
WALKER
Been sparring more. With the team. Solo training was getting me-- too in my head, I guess. Here, I'll give you a sec so you can say I told you so.
[Subject pauses.]
WALKER
Anyway-- It's kind of a mess, most of the time? [short sigh] Depends on the day. Ava's fast, but she really telegraphs her moves. Yelena aims low-- like, literally, she keeps going for my knees. And she cheats. Guess that's fair, since she's not roided up like the rest of us.
WALKER
Bob pulls his punches which is honestly pretty fuckin' annoying, but I guess I get it. Wish he'd get over it, though. His technique still sucks. [sharp snort] Bucky is Bucky.
WALKER
Sometimes I let them win on purpose. Not 'cause I think they're soft, or some shit. Just--
[Brief silence. Faint metal clink on ceramic(?) Correction: biting the dog tag chain.]
WALKER
I dunno. Just wanna see what happens. If I can feel the hits. That's probably fuckin' weird, I just-- I think I wanna know what happens when they stop holding back? Still figuring that out. Whatever.
[Long exhale. Pacing slows slightly.]
WALKER
Anyway, uh. I think maybe it's helping, seeing them hold their own. I mean I still-- I still go out at night like a fuckin' psycho, but it's quicker. Maybe like-- just once a night, recently? That's still better, right?
[Another exhale-- not quite a laugh.]
WALKER
Didn't punch any walls today, either. That's two days in a row, wow. [sarcastically] Starting to feel like I should get a sticker chart. Jesus, that's bleak.
WALKER
Alright. That's my quota. Gonna do a couple more reps and try not to think about anything for five fuckin' minutes. See ya.
[CLICK]
» [RECORDING ENDS]
» STAFF NOTE(S):
ACTION ITEMS:✱ No intervention recommended at this time.
✱ Flag if self-injurous behavior presents.
✱ Subject did not attempt deflection as frequently, could indicate lower aggression or simple fatigue. Worth tracking. (Unsure if the sticker chart comment was actually sarcastic.)
Walker continues to exhibit compulsive behaviors rooted in trauma response, reportedly reduced in frequency. Shift from hyper-individualized schedule to shared activity may reflect desire for connection (at minimum, an acknowledgement of the team's capability.)
Tone of this log is subdued but less defeatist than previous. Tentative self-awareness regarding compulsions, though he still lacks terminology or insight into underlying causes.
Recommended continued observation. Monitor for signs of regression, particularly following high-stress missions or team injury. Walker seems to respond better to tangible metrics of "shared load" than to abstract emotional reassurance-- might be beneficial to frame future engagement around team interdependence and responsibility.
*Note: I understand it's internal policy, but you don't have to call him 'subject' every time.
- Dr. █ █ K███
[Consultant, OXE Behavioral Oversight]
» [RECORDING BEGINS: Low click followed by silence. Sounds of pacing. Distant hum, possibly fluorescent lights.]
WALKER:
Okay. Uh. [beat] You said I could just record this shit, right? Writing's not gonna happen right now.
[Rustling sound, repetitive motion (self-soothing?) Breathing audible and uneven.]
WALKER:
Whatever. Doesn't matter.
[Audible exhalation. A thump-- maybe leaning against a wall.]
WALKER:
I'm fine. Everythings fine. It's just--
[Long pause.]
WALKER:
We had a bad one today, man. Like a fight, I mean. Not like-- nobody started throwing punches or anything, so don't start filling out any fuckin' paperwork.
[Pacing resumes.]
WALKER:
I shouldn't care. I don't care. Wasn't even about me this time, and I still feel like I'm gonnna throw up. [beat] Jesus, that's pathetic.
[Pacing stops again. Metallic noise, likely from dropping the shield. Breath quickens.]
WALKER:
I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I was fine. I've been fine. I read your stupid-- those worksheets, or whatever. I just-- I don't like how they were talking about each other. About me too, I guess. I don't know. Don't remember being this much of a pussy back in basic.
[A shaky laugh, almost bitter(?). Rustling of the mic. Voice muffled.]
WALKER:
I punched a hole in the drywall like a fuckin' teenager, by the way. Real great optics. Not like anybody comes down here, though. So don't snitch on me.
[Long pause. Pacing stops abruptly.]
WALKER:
This is stupid. I'm taking a walk. I'll figure out how to email you this shit later.
[CLICK]
» [RECORDING ENDS]
» STAFF NOTE(S):
( Per Facilities & Maintenance: deduct cost of drywall patch kit, tools, and labor from Walker’s next paycheck. )
Total: $46.32
#file:threads → current active threads
#open starter → for anyone, though i'll prioritize mutuals
#ask memes → also open to anyone
#roger wilco: answered → tag for answered asks
NOTE: i tag threads with #url as well as #url | character name (for both solo and multimuse blogs)
> [ other posts: ]
#other: aes → pics that fit the vibe
#other: meta → posts that remind me of walker
#other: hcs → headcanons, unorganized af rn
#other: photos → from MCU or other stuff wyatt russel is in
#other: comics → pics specifically from comics
#other: fanart → fanart i like !
#ooc or ooc tbd → u know what this is lol
#file: playlist → only the best of divorced dad tunes
#boom headshot: art tag → art tag if i ever actually post
#ooc: jokeposting → shitposts etc
#other: promos → both mine + others
#other:au → wip ! threads not in current thunderbolts canon
