Aug 28, 2020
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@ehghtyseven
I'm going to start wearing all my clashing patterns again and dressing for me and having my hair crimped and saying fuck you to those who said I don't suit skater skirts and just screw fucking everyone I know who I am and this sad excuse for a person in jeans that I hate and makeup that makes me cough is not it its not it
When you start finding yourself and trusting yourself you don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks.
A project
After a bad fight with my mom, I grabbed a notebook and started to vent. Since in this vent, I had messages for people I care for, I'm putting it here. Enjoy, or not. Just know, this is from my heart. Some of it was angry, others weren't. Just know that I still love you, no matter what.
To everyone, (This is very angry)
I am going to say this on paper (Internet) because the only other way has been screaming. I am fucking SICK of being called Hope. Yeah, sure mom SOMETIMES calls me Nick but it's always on HER time. MY name is NICK!!!!!! I am NOT Hope. That KID is GONE!! She is DEAD. Shit, she NEVER EXISTED!! I am NOT her and each time you call me her you are basically saying I do not EXIST. And I am REAL. I BREATH, I BLEED, I SWEAT, I EXIST!!!!! Calling me Hope is not protecting me. It's KILLING ME!!!! I have been patient for almost two years. TWO YEARS!!! And it's not just my name. I have sacrificed so much! I am just a shell now. It seems I only live to serve. LIsten, I don't mind helping out. Shit needs to get done. But I do not just EXIST only for that PURPOSE!!! I have a life to live. On ethat is very promising! I cannot and WILL NOT give that up. I deserve the man of my dreams, time with my friends, my career, A LIFE!!!
Now, this is where I am going to get personal. (I will be adding gifs after each section to break the monotomy of nonstop text.)
-Mom, I love you and you're an amazing Mom, daughter, wife, sister, and friend. But I cannot give up on my life like you had to. I appreciate that you call me Nick. YOu're the only one in this house that Does! I just wish that Hope was NEVER used. I hate it. It HURTS!!
-Dad, over the years, I've lost you. We used to be close. I am even jealous of my own mom! Nick is never used and you won't call me your son. WHY?!?!!
-Grandma, I am your grandSON! I am NICK! And you have always shown favoritism to Tante and me. LOVE MOM!!!!! She is a great woman that is buckling under so much pressure. She want sto make you PROUD! Show her she does, please!
-Tiff, thank you for being a friend I can trust. I get worn out from helping you with your path. I have ignored my path for years to help you because I love and care about you. Do not feel bad. It is my duty. It had been even in our past lives. I protected you at all times. And I still do. My lady, I love you. You're one of my best friends.
-Amora, my Billie Joe, my Tre, my REv, my Naruto. Eight years. So long and yet so short. You are one of the reasons I get up in the morning. We laugh and we cry. But I never want it to end. We're friends for life. Hell even in the afterlife, I will still be your Nickypoo.
-David, I know you're not a mushy guy so I'll make this quick. You're an ass. But you're an amazing friend. Thank you.
-Nikki, on days, you piss me off. On others, I love you. Just never change.
So that's all for now. Might add some more thoughts and such. Just know I love you all, no matter how much you piss me off. I wish shit would change and maybe it will. But this needed to be said.
Love, Nick