All the Wishes
For my back issues, I started seeing a physical therapist, and it's done wonders for me. I was told something I hadn't considered--my 'chair may need to be readjusted, because of the weight I've lost (due to type 2 diabetes and my very disciplined diet). The physical therapist also took one look at me and pointed out that my legs but especially my ankles look weak.
I cammed with someone last night who uses the same view I mainly do, and his feet stood straight up. Mine do not. I wonder if anyone else has noticed... I cammed for others last night, and I really noticed how weak my legs look. I'll have to start covering them... I’m not ashamed, but I’ve realized how important it is for me to have a disabilities-free space.
This comes on the back of already feeling inadequate, because I can offer but a few views, and most of that is only because of my creativity. Others can stand, get on their knees, penetrate themselves, etc. I wish I could do more, but eh, I do so much more for them. I really don't think the Discord server I like most would be as active without me. I’m fully aware of my value.
I wish I could voice chat with them, too, but I feel I've missed the boat on that. I'll be talking to my mom in real life, and I notice all my slurs and long pauses. I can't see how others would miss that, even though many of my friends swear they do. I’ve never accepted that, but perhaps my friends are just used to me.
I've not been keeping up with my Best Friend like I should be. Sometimes, I feel guilty about it, but honestly, it's not that I'm too busy or don't wanna talk to him. It's just that I'm doing so much and get emotionally and physically exhausted.
I don't sleep well, and even when my long distance sex games are inactive, I don't wanna do anything but be left alone, maybe watch some anime. I think I'm well, mentally, though, and that's what matters, I think. Another thing I wish is that I could do it all, but I can't. I can only forgive myself for falling short.
