What would happen in the hypothetical beach episode?
We have a few thoughts on it!
A while back I suggested it would be funny and then @tamsiblings had a post about it, but here's my overthinking:
I'm a fan of it starting as a Kaylee and Inara (or Kaylee/Inara 👀) relaxation day after some stressful job where they earned a few days off. Inara is in amazing flowing chiffon resort wear. Kaylee is in a fun floral coverup.
Zoe and Wash are actually the ones on board who mention beaches (a naked beach??) so I've decided they recommend the beach in question at some small resort facility. They eventually join the girls after some milk run job finishes smoothly.
Well hell, Mal, your mechanic and your pilot and your first mate and also the Companion that gives you respectability are all at the beach...what is the rest of your crew doing? Getting work done? Certainly not. Let's all go to the beach.
Jayne wouldn't put "beach" on the top of his list for preferred leisure time, but he eventually warms up to it. He spends a fair bit of the episode ogling women in swimsuits.
There's a little bit of semi-popular LiveJournal era fanon where Simon's exercise of choice on Osiris was swimming and I like that! So he has a good time getting to clear his mind a little. Book also strikes me as a swimmer.
Maybe we indulge in the idea that the beach episode traditionally is a very lighthearted no-problems episode concept and River also gets to go to the beach with no issue! I think she and Kaylee would eat a deluxe fish 'n chips lunch and a few ice planets and at least four large frozen strawberry lemonades (I am a big fan of the idea of River having fun with food bc they must have had her on fucked up strict "optimized" diets at the Academy).
Now, I do like the idea of a beach ep, but I really think that true to Firefly, something has to go terribly wrong. There's some sort of hijinks on the resort planet they're on and they're the best equipped to tackle the problem.
Jayne is the one who first notices something is wrong because he's trying to hit on a woman near a maintenance door.
Mal has been refusing to relax and grumpily telling everyone to be on the lookout and he feels so incredibly vindicated when the outlaws hold up the resort/there's some widespread ocean-based mechanical issue/a high ranking official needs to be distracted/there's some small medical catastrophe.
Bonus gag: Zoe and Wash are for some reason not really necessary to resolving the conflict and so as the crew tackles the issue we cut back to them napping on the beach/drinking Mai Tais occasionally.
They manage to defeat the outlaws/give the mechanics an easy fix to the issue/sufficiently distract the official/administer a medical treatment and the episode gets to end with them relaxing again.
Mal is in his full work outfit until the final moment of the episode where he is shamelessly nude like the last scene in Trash.