#floridajosh

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I am supposed to be doing homework and I’ve been sitting here on Tumblr and texting Florida Josh because

I DON’T WANNA DO IT 

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It's officially ended with FloridaJosh. I may post some things here and there about him but it's been a long time coming. I do have some words about it though. He kept saying to me "I told you not to wait for me" which is totally true and fair. However. I did. I totally made the effort for him. And it was a real testament to how much I believed in him and loved him. When he said that, it was like all the energy was wasted. Like he knew from the beginning it wasn't going to happen. It did, though, make it quite clear that I'm not that important to him anymore and that I wasn't worth his time. I am good enough for him. I am sweet and nice and caring and I fucking DESERVE a man that pays attention to me and loves me. And I am sorry it took me so long to realize he wasn't going to be it. I always thought I'd go home, see him and fall into his arms. I'd never have to let go. But I think he knew from the time he left that it wouldn't happen that way. This has been such a learning experience. I still treasure the time we had and how he made me feel. There are no hard feelings and I hope he will stay my friend. Hah. He doesn't believe in being friends after being intimate. Well. Maybe I just won't try. Even though I valued him as a friend before any of this happened. Goodbye, Josh.

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I just really need to get laid

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Wow I just really wish he loved me.

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Part of me desperately wants to call Josh. The other part of me just wants to cry and fall apart. And the other other part of me just wants to get up and handwrite a letter to josh so I don't have to say it. But none of these will make me happy. Gob damnit.

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I am seriously... Not even sure what to say. It's almost not worth talking to you. It hurts so much. I want to trust you. But I'm assuming you're off with someone else. Which is allowed, and okay. That doesn't mean it doesn't rip my heart to shreds. I miss you so much. I miss our time. I miss us. I miss your kisses and hugs and laughs and smiles and cuddles and thoughts. You're so smart. I miss pulling your hair, having rough sex, having slow sex, you touching me and making me happy. I miss watching tv for hours and doing nothing. I miss our pictures. I miss your stupid boyband music. I miss your loud old car and I miss your car greased hands. I miss sharing my time with you, holding you, being held, and letting time slip by. I miss your stupid jokes. I miss crawling in bed with you and snuggling into your neck. I miss how you used to look at me. I miss seeing your face every day and I miss being excited to see you. I miss your easy going nature, perfect eyes, and how you always know what to say. I miss you so much, Josh. I do.

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I'm putting this out there right now because I'm fucking right

Josh and "Kaitlyn Tuna" are going to hook up while he's in Florida. She cooks for him all the time. They go out all the time. I'm into you Josh. I see you. Don't play me for stupid. So my conclusion is I am done trying to reach out to him. I'm going to be okay with whatever I have here. If he still wants me in august.. Fabulous. If not. Fine.

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I am so fucking pissed off at you and I'm not exactly sure why but I've got a good enough idea that I know I'm mad and that makes me more mad and what the fuck just come hold me i need you you redheaded pain in my heart