spider nsfw alphabet
ok this is a satirical work for @cakebatteronabrickwall and done in good fun based on a convo we had. no shade to anyone who is pure of heart <3 peace and love. [it actually turned into kind a of tragic commentary for the fictional reader...]
A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
What is aftercare? Get out.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
He likes everything about himself, he tries not to look at you if at all possible.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
If it's his? Great. Yours? Ew, you animal, keep that to yourself.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
You don't know for sure, but you're pretty sure he has a crush on a girl at work...
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
He seems very experienced but 'doesnt like talking about the past'.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
Doggy but you are under the blanket and he's looking at himself in the mirror
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
Kind of goofy, he insists on calling you 'River' during sex for some reason...
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
bald as hell
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
He's not a fan of being touched in general. very much a 'keep your hands to yourself' kind of guy, he does like to kiss you when he's blindfolded though
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
you know he wanks often but never in front of you, once you thought you caught him in the act but instead of porn on the laptop it was just some weird airport cctv footage
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
he very much likes being blindfolded and pegged. he also keeps bringing up having a threesome with a guy...
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
"The bedroom. I'm not an animal. What's next? Fucking in my office knowing that people could walk by at any moment? Or on a bridge in the middle of the city? Be realistic. " His words. Oddly specific right?
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
Sometimes he comes home from work all huffy and snippy. He's pretty eager then. Also if he has a good idea about something...
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
He says boobs creep him out. Tries not to think about them.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
He's never said no to you giving him head. But he only returned the favour once, very sucking heavy...
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
It's very wam bam
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
Well,,, they're all kind of quickies...
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
He seems like a risky person, a thrill seeker, but it must not be sexually because he only seems to act like that at work.
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
Depends on the scenario... typically its a one-and-done thing...
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
He has a LOT of toys.... a suspicious amount. You found them by accident once and he has since denied their existence.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
He doesnt care for teasing, though once you overheard a phone call which sounded very teasing.... he said it was someone from work
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
He is very loud and whiny. It's funny to be honest, especially with that dumb 'River' name
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
you would never say this to his face... but you think he might be....gay. no, cant be...
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
It actually seems quite low, sometimes you think he's riled up and then he goes to work and by the time he comes home he seems spent. weird
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
no sleep. He kicks you out and then smokes cigarettes in the dark until sunrise
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ok this started out as a jokey thing but then it got sad because this is a lowkey abusive realtionship💀💀 i know there are women out there that fully are in these situation and girl save yourself!!! hes gay!😭😭
