#022 Animal Sidekicks
Animals are great! They’re cuddly (like walruses) they’re loyal (like ants) they’re eager to help (sloths) and they can do so many more things than humans can do! (Octopuses/octopods/octopi/octopersons for example can easily open jars.) So it’s no surprise that many superheroes take on animal sidekicks or otherwise enlist the aid of animals in their crusade against crime.
Now I know what you’re thinking (not in the sense that I can read minds just in the sense that I feel like we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well by this point). “Zach, (my name is Zach by the way, nice to meet you.) didn’t you very recently go on a rant about the dangers of child sidekicks?” And to that I respond: Well I guess it really depends on your definition of recently, that post was from like two months ago… Also yeah I did, but since when do you guys listen to me? Also, I’ve met tons (thousands) of parrots that are quantifiably smarter than most human children. Animals are just better sidekicks.
But having an animal sidekick can be tricky. Training animals is hard, getting them to productively help you fight crime is probably even harder. You’re going to want to get a professional animal handler or trainer of zookeeper in your super-squad, to help with the handling, training and zookeeping of the animals. Especially if you manage to find some neat super-powered animals. Studies have shown that if an animal can shoot lasers from its eyes, ears, throat or nose it is approximately 99% harder to train/handle/zookeep than regular non-laser-shooting animals. The last thing you want is to get mauled to death by your own tiger sidekick (or get lasered in half by your own tiger sidekick.) Well, actually, I guess the last thing you’d want is for the entire universe to be utterly annihilated because you didn’t have a (laser) tiger sidekick. It’s a tradeoff, you’re gonna have to choose one or the other at some point. Hard choices like this are part and parcel with being a superhero.
Now, if you’re one of those superheroes with neato burrito animal related powers, such as being able to talk to animals or being able to control animals with your mind or being able to turn into animals or just being able to do really good birdcalls, you’ll probably have better luck working side by side with an animal in a fight against roadside bandits or cybernetically enhanced duck hunters. Animals are actually pretty chill once you break through that language barrier. They’re actually also for the most part really interested in protecting the world from evil. Obviously there are some that aren’t and of course every species and every individual is different but once you’re able to talk to animals you should have no trouble finding a few who are ready, willing, and able to join you.
An advantage animal sidekicks have over regular lame ol’ human sidekicks is that animals often have their own innate special abilities. Web spinning, powerful bites, being able to jump incredible distances, flight, the ability to survive without oxygen, some animals can do some really incredible things. Additionally, whereas human superheroes wear loud costumes and just overall make a huge spectacle wherever they go, animals are masters of stealth and infiltration. Nobody is suspicious when they see random animals walking around. More or less. Don’t send like a polar bear or a crocodile into a super-secret supervillain meet and greet, unless you know an evil polar bear or crocodile whose place and invitation they can steal.
Animals are also often connected to a network of their fellow animals. Befriending one ant can get you an entire colony. Teaming up with a prairie dog can lead to an entire underground system of tunnels for you to use. (Also fun science fact: prairie dogs are hella fierce, don’t mess with prairie dogs, they’re always up for a fight. Plus, they’ve got one of the most complex animal languages out there so befriending them can be considered an even greater achievement relatively speaking.) It’s a well-documented fact that dogs often convene to play poker, you get one of those doggos on your side, you’ve undoubtedly got the whole poker squad.
Animal sidekicks can also go a long way in generating goodwill in the public eye. Especially if your animal sidekick is conventionally cute. It’s just good PR. Children who you’re trying to rescue might be afraid of a person dressed in full body armor that they stole from a dark mage on a really crazy time travel adventure, but they’ll sure as heck be less afraid of you if you’ve got a kitty with a wizard’s hat by your side or a hamster wearing tiny hamster armor. Another added perk of having an animal sidekick is that you can dress them up in adorable little costumes. For the sake of Justice. And cuteness. And yo once you get that pet all trained to do cool superhero stuff you can win big money at animal shows. For the sake of Justice. And for buying cool stuff.
You should be forewarned, (I’m for sure gonna make more bad puns with this word… furwarned. There we go.) there are also certain complications that can stem from having an animal sidekick. For example, if you have an animal sidekick you’re definitely going to have a classic brain-swap adventure at some point. It’s just one of those things. Like freaky furday. So be prepared to live life through the eyes of your animal sidekick. Another complication is, of course, as always, the secret identity dilemma. Your super-pet will almost definitely know your secret identity. Like it’s an animal. It is dependent on you, you need to take it home with you when you’re not superheroing. You need to be a responsible pet owner. Well relatively responsible. It could be argued that bringing your pet to fight supervillains is already irresponsible. Uh… Anyway, you just need to be careful about keeping your four-legged sidekicks away from supervillains who can read the minds of animals. Or get them cute little mind-reading-deflector helmets (as seen on tv!)
You also may receive complaints from animal rights activists. To avoid sticky situations like that and to avoid actually abusing your animals, we really do urge you find some way of communicating with your animal buddy to make sure they’re all cool and consenting with the notion of kicking bad guy butt. (Also while we’re on the subject a quick word about certain so called animal rights activist groups. PETA is terrible. They’ve been known to kidnap pets and euthanize them and they’ve also been known to fund arsonists and extremist groups. So keep them away from your super-pets and your regular pets.)
All in all though an animal sidekick can be your greatest asset in the field. If you have their back they’ll have yours. They’re beloved by adults and children alike and even some supervillains have been known to have a soft spot for animals. Animal sidekicks have shown to be some of the most brave, noble and altruistic heroes out there. Get yourself a animal sidekick and you’ve got yourself a valuable companion for life.
