It Was Great While It Lasted
It was great while it lasted. Now, I'm back to sitting on pins and needles, waiting for the next time he comes charging through my bedroom door, angry about something. It can be anything, it can be nothing ... but large or small, he'll stew in it long enough to create the drama and the effect he desires. Especially if he has another 'fish' on the hook. It's how he justifies it (as if he still needs to). For whatever reason, when he dates someone new, he still feels guilty about it. I'm not necessarily complaining though - I kinda hope he feels it for the rest of his life after how he broke up with me - but because of his guilt, he has to 'attack' me, control me and make an enemy out of me ... even though I'm supposed to be his best friend.
We haven't spoken to each other since around 5 or 6 pm Monday night. It's now 3 am Thursday morning. When I got 'home' last night, he was already here (with his dog running around the house), and the only thing either of us voiced was when we scolded the dog. I did extend an olive branch of sorts - I threw a kit-kat bar at/to him (hehe) ... but he said nothing. Didn't even really look at me. What set this off? I can only guess. The only thing I did that *might* have upset him is writing to him Tuesday morning that he'd have to contact me through FB messenger because my phone was out of minutes. Perhaps the reminder of how broke I currently am (and jobless) set him off. Part of me can't blame him. It really does suck. Hence, why this began with "It was great while it lasted". "It" being the months I didn't depend on him for much of anything. I didn't 'need' him for anything. I had money. I paid my way here. I bought household things. I took *him* to dinner and bought *him* things he wanted/needed. We were both happier. All good things ...
So, as I said, I'm back sitting on pins and needles. According to our agreement, he's free to begin eviction proceedings at anytime, for any reason (or no reason). I could suck up to him (in so many ways), but it's exhausting. We're supposed to be friends - best friends - so I shouldn't ever have to beg him to talk to me, spend time with me or pay attention to me. I shouldn't be begging my family for food. I just generally shouldn't feel this way all the time - or ever.
I *will* make money. I *will* move out. I will be independent - and free. Free of feeling shame. Free of feeling guilt. Free of feeling obligated. Free of being controlled or manipulated. And when that day comes, unfortunately, I will be free of him. Free of his hold on me. Free to see him for who he truly is. I'll still love him, that won't change no matter what, but I will like him so much less each day I'm apart from him. I'll have clarity. I'll be able to stop making excuses to myself for what he does or doesn't do. I'll be able to process the last 4 years and allow myself to finally, properly, grieve. I won't have to quash the feelings of disgust; disappointment; hurt; betrayal and even hate. Yes, hate. I can love him - and hate him - at the same time. Not even necessarily him, as much as what he did, how he did it, why he did it and how often he did it. The false hope. The fake love. The feigned concern. The flagrant betrayals.
Until that day comes, I'll keep working on finding a job that will sustain me. I'll keep working on keeping my feelings and emotions in check. I'll keep working on disconnecting from him - and connecting to me.