#frodoismycat

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

FYI I just changed my avatar to match my recent name change. I didn’t want to change them both at the same time, and I think it’s been long enough for followers to recognize my username now. 

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

changed my url because the actual “ownership” of frodo the cat is constantly contested. 

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

I have had bad many experiences with Doctors. I think I have PTSD regarding a doctor visit that turned into a hospitalization a few years ago. I’ve had bad experiences with the non MD personnel at the doctor offices. 

I’ve been given referrals that resulted in my time being completely wasted, not to mention the wasted spoons.

Going to the doctor gives me so much anxiety. I fucking hate it. I put it off and put it off as long as I can. I was supposed to have a follow up 2 weeks after my last appointment which was over a month ago. (I’m not good with time). 

I want to ask for another round of steroids- they really help my joint pain, and I seem to have more spoons when I’m on them. 

I asked for a wheelchair before, but was told that using a wheelchair- especially an electric one (I have really bad shoulder pain, and hip pain, which means I don’t really go anywhere that I have to stand up for long amounts of time) would further limit my mobility. That is almost exactly what they said. One doctor told me that using my rollator (which I bought myself, from Amazon) is the best thing for me to do- that’s what HIS wife does- it’s too much trouble for them to take her chair places so she just uses her walker.  I should use my walker, and just stop and sit and rest as often as I need to. But I should not use a chair. 

My parents are very ableist- I’m an adult, married with kids. I am going to be moving closer to my parents. 

I looked on Craigslist and there are some electric wheelchairs for sale for $500 and under. There is an electric lift for a vehicle for under $300.

I’m thinking that maybe I should start saving money to buy a used electric wheelchair for myself since the doctors won’t prescribe one for me that I can get through my insurance.

Insurance is Tricare- they will provide a chair if it is deemed a ‘medical necessity’. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know if they would provide one for me even with a prescription.

I would rather be able to walk and not be exhausted and in growing amounts of pain, like I used to.

They want to find out the ‘cause’. They’ve done tests, which are sometimes indicating lupus, sometimes not. I have no official diagnosis, though I was told by an asshole rheumy that I have fibro. At my follow up appt with him he dismissed every single concern I had and said, “I’m not worried about you, so you shouldn’t be worried either”.

He wanted me to try antidepressants for fibro pain. I can’t take antidepressants- they are BAD for me. I’m bipolar type 2, though not officially diagnosed. Hell, I don’t even know hwo you get a ‘diagnosis’. Doctors say I seem to have such and such, but then later say nah. 

I get really sad, and furious really, thinking about how I’ve just sat at home for the last two years because I can’t handle being out in the world on my own two legs, even with my walker. I mean, I might go to the mall but then I won’t be there long. Or I’ll be there a very long time cause I sit down a lot. And then that will be the only thing I ‘accomplish’ for days. I know that my life would be better if I had a fucking electric wheelchair. But There are so many messages in my head telling me that I’m just a fat lazy fraud. That all the people that I already avoid will think that I’m just looking for attention if I buy myself a chair. I don’t want to explain to anyone, anything about my body any more. 

I am trying to work up the resolve to actually save the money so I can get a used chair. How fucking sad is that? I’m not convinced that I ‘deserve’ a fucking wheelchair that I buy and pay for myself. WTF?

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

A Short Autobiography

I don’t feel good.

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

Binding Spells

was just having discussion with Oldest about binding someone who is causing lots of harm. They suggested using an Ace bandage to do wrapping so that the more this person struggles against the ‘restraints’ we set the tighter they will be bound. 

They are a genius. Maybe someone else has thought of this before, but this is the first I’ve heard of it. 

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

Just thought I’d share a thing I’ve noticed recently. When I have very strong feelings, and I don’t ‘vent’ them out loud to someone else and I instead just have the strong feeling in my mind and body and it is very focused (intentionally or not) and I mutter a word or sentence or phrase stating something that I very strongly want to happen instantly- it happens. 

If I am feeling frustrated and I’m just ranting and bitching about the thing, even if I am trying to use my will to change the thing I am bitching about it doesn’t always work, if it does work it takes a lot longer and the results are not nearly as strong.

A couple of examples:

One day I was walking out of hte store to my vehicle, and a guy in a very large and very loud pickup truck was driving way too fast through the parking lot, not slowing down for the pedestrians to cross, not stopping at the markings where he was supposed to stop to let people pass. I felt VERY angry about this as I watched him. I did not expect him to stop for me, he was going so fast and hadn’t stopped for anyone, and as I approached the roadway he was still pretty far from me. I looked at him and muttered stop! not loudly at all, just very strongly. I just wanted him to stop driving so fast in the parking lot. He slowed down immediately and he stopped a few yards away from where I was standing so that I could cross. He motioned for me to cross the lane. After I crossed he did not speed through the lot any more.

One night I was driving on a road where they were doing roadwork. They had lots of cop cars with those obnoxious flashing lights, plus the work vehicles with their flashing lights. I hate flashing lights especially when I am driving. As I approached the end of the road work area, the last truck with flashing lights started driving in the lane next to me, but was ahead of me. I couldn’t pass them without speeding, and even then the lights would have been in my mirror flashing at me. I was irritated that they didn’t turn off the flashing lights as they were driving, and I strongly stated OUT! in a mumble that my daughter did hear in the seat behind me. Now, we had gone through several intersections at this point, and they should have turned off the lights before they started driving away from the work area IMO. Within a second of me saying OUT! the flashing lights went out. 

Ranting and venting can relieve some of the frustration I feel, but it does nothing about the source. It just wastes and scatters my energy. 

Holding the thoughts in myself and using as few words as possible to state my intent takes care of the source of the problem for me. 

Probably any witches following me already know this, it’s just something that I thought I’d share for any newbies or for other people who get frustrated in traffic and such, and tend to rant and swear. 

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

Please give me input on this message I am sending to my Doctor.

Is this appropriate? I am clueless. I’m sending this via the internet messaging system for my provider/clinic. At my last appt with my primary I asked for a parking permit, and he laughed/giggled and said ‘let’s wait and see what your dx from the rheumatologist is, then we’ll have a better case for asking for a permit’.

My rheumy is a major dickweed asshole ableist horrible person with worse words I can’t even think of to type right now. He SUCKS. He’s only been practicing as a rheumy for like ONE YEAR. 

Anyway, I just want to be able to do things and I don’t like talking to the Doctors at the appts because they are very intimidating, they think I’m ‘functioning’ when actually i can’t even communicate with them because they talk over me and interrupt and sidetrack me and they don’t listen or take what I say seriously. 

Anway- do you think there are any changes I should make to this, to improve the efficacy of this message? Thank you so much for taking the time and spoons to read this and reply. Here’s the message:

Due to my chronic pain in my joints, and my exhaustion I need you to do the paperwork so that I can have a disabled parking permit hang tag. I realize that exercising is helpful- and I do that at home. But when I am going to Doctor appointments, doing grocery shopping, etc. It will greatly improve my life if I have a permit so that I can park closer to the doors. I also always use a store provided wheelchair when shopping, if they are available. When they aren't available I tend to cut my shopping short. I would like to look into getting a chair of my own so that I can do more things. Again,  I realize that I need to keep the mobility that I have  by continuing to exercise, but my pain and fatigue has caused me to stop going places. I've wanted to visit the zoo here but I haven't done it because of the pain and fatigue. I don't take my children places that they would like to go because even though I am capable of moving my body it uses up too much of my energy and concentration, etc. to do so much walking away from home. At home, when I exercise (I use an exercise bike so that I do not put more stress on my joints, and do some stretches and exercises I was taught in physical therapy) I will not end up stranded in severe pain with no way back to my vehicle. I have severe anxiety, so asking for these things that I need via the messaging system works much better for me than making an appointment. Also, I was late for my last appointment because I could not find a parking space and it takes me a very long time to walk from the parking garage all the way to the clinic- and it causes lots of pain because I'm trying to hurry because there is a set appointment time. The rheumatologist told me that I have fibromyalgia and possibly lupus. I do have days where I can do more things, but I have so many days when I just can't. Please help me improve my life- you are the gatekeeper to my accessibility to the rest of the world.

[yourmotherisafragginaardvark]

that autism feel when: you see a post on your dash, look at the blog of the person who posted it and wonder if you are following them or not. 

Hint, it was someone on my freaking dash- because I FOLLOW THEM. pfffttttttttttt