I hate having to unfollow people when they post pepe the frog. I hate trying to explain the history, the meaning, the very active use by fascists to make me feel uncomfortable and empower themselves, only to be met with hostility "you can't tell me what to do" is a common response.
I hate the feeling of panic and nausea I feel from seeing it unprepared. I hate having to look at pepe the frog to trawl through resources and evidence about who decided to spread it on which website and what their stated intentions were.
I hate how tied into transphobia it is. I mourn how I couldn't raise money for HRT because of how many death threats from pepe the frog users I received, how I had to pull away. I hate how that's not enough of a reason for people to stop. I hate how it reminds me of the community I once had, ripped away and canibalised into a fascist recruitment hub, because we were not quick enough to recognise what pepe the frog meant. It hurts thinking about the people I failed to protect.
It hurts how many spaces online I have to retreat from, because people won't listen, or don't know, or don't care to know the impact. I mourn for all the streams, all the blogs, all the memes I can't be apart of without shaking and being sick.
I hate how affected I am by pepe the frog, a dogwhistle, deliberately spread by the ADL and Streamelements, who by unfortunate coincidence(?) both happen to be Zionist.
It grieves me to think of the Black, Jewish, Disabled and Trans people who have felt this same sickness of recognition, to see this posted, to remind us the casualness in which we can be dehumanized and hurt. It wounds me to see it posted by these same groups, unaware.
It angers me to know how much joy fascists take in this, unchallenged, secure in their own spaces, while I am a wanderer online, there is no safe space to be myself.
It hurts how often friends, unknowingly, will post it, or allow it to be posted, and the excruciating pain of starting a conversation to explain the pain it causes, knowing that there is a very real chance that friend may decide it is more important than our friendship. I grieve the friendships I have had to leave behind, to stop hurting, to stop being sick.
I'm weary knowing that talking about this will invite harassment from pepe the frog enthusiasts, or unhelpful suggestions from well meaning bystanders.
I don't want to "reclaim" it. I don't think that's possible. I want to stop feeling sick. I want the world to understand what dogwhistles are and how they work. I want to feel safe
