AO3
He knew, all right? He knew.
He knew he wasn’t what everyone expected, what everyone wanted. He was stuck in his ways, and he had his ugly parts. He cried too much, his hair was wrong and choppy, and a weird kind of yellow that was unnatural. But more importantly, he was weak. He was a coward unable to change, and he was never going to be anyone’s first choice.
As much as Gramps had loved him, believed in him, he wasn’t first to him either.
(But that wasn't right either. Gramps had a heart big enough for two, for him and Kaigaku. For the love they couldn’t find in each other, to be the family Gramps had always wanted. He was still sorry about that, in the quietest parts of the night.)
Like a crackle of lightning, the thought had appeared to him. Tanijrou had only just come around the corner calling his name, and his traitorous brain had said, “I love him”.
Just like that.
No preamble, no warning. A thought unable to hide under the mountains of things that jumbling around in Zenitsu’s head. A thought that could only be true.
Dread attached itself to the pit of his stomach. Sticking along until it was clogging his lungs and his breathing technique could almost seem null. It must have shown on his face when Tanjirou skidded to a halt before him. His brows crept together in worry.
He was concerned; Zenitsu could hear it before the words could even tumble from Tanjirou’s mouth. Like his legs before a mission, Zenitsu’s smile wobbled across his face. He waved a hand with a laugh.
“What’s that face for, huh? I’ve just got an upset stomach. I trained on a full belly,” he had said.
With a huff, cheeks puffed out, Tanjirou scolded him as usual. If anything, his stomach wrung itself tighter.
Zenitsu laughed it off anyway. He welcomed his friend home from his mission.
After a minute or two, Tanjirou’s worry seemed to dissipate. His friend patted him on the shoulder, that same unbreakable grin of his big and wide across his face. He wished him a speedy recovery, thanked him for the welcome and said he looked forward to eating together again that night.
From the porch, the little girls from the Butterfly Estate were eagerly welcoming him back, and like he had come, Tanjirou was gone again.
And Zenitsu wanted to cry.
Not just the panicked, whiny ones he had been known for.
The ones he hadn’t had to cry in quite a while. The ones he’d done he’d walk for days and days through the town he’d live in, dirty, and his shoes falling apart. Back when he barely belonged to anyone. Back when he had been inevitably left behind again before Gramps had come into his life.
A love lost before it had even begun.
But wasn’t that only so typical? Zenitsu and the heart on his sleeve, falling for people who might as well have been millions of miles away even as they shone bright in his face. He could reach and reach never even graze the trail they blaze.d
And now, Zenitsu supposed, everything made sense after his revelation. The way Tanjirou could calm him down so quickly, invigorate him even faster, keep him going even when Zenitsu just wanted to whine and whine and give up.
Tanjirou was kind. He was steadfast. But he knew - he knew, okay? - that even where the sun shines brightest, there were still places it couldn’t touch. Not really.
He wondered, stupidly, for a brief moment what it would be like to be what Tanjirou orbited instead of the other way around.
How warm it must be to have him shining so close. A line that seemed as though only Zenitsu had crossed with his clinginess...his cowardice before. Two bodies as one in all ways but carnal. Perverted as he may be on the odd given day, Zenitsu was a boy seeking love most of all. A hand to hold and a heart other than his own to protect.
Silently, terribly, he envied Inosuke and Genya. On the odd day...maybe even, just a bit, Nezuko-chan, too. And all he was left with was no-good feelings, more miserable than he had been before. Who was he to limit who Tanjirou could throw his love at just because Zenitsu was needy?
In the quiet of the night air, Zenitsu sighed. To his side, a creak made his ears perk up. The jingle of bells and earrings. Zenitsu held his breath.
“Zenitsu.”
Ah. Tanjirou. He was frowning, looking unsure of how to start. Zenitsu waited. Tanjirou had come to him after all.
“Are you okay?”
Zenitsu blinked at that. Had he been obvious? He supposed he has. He’d never been a good faker. Tanjirou wasn’t the only bad liar around. Still, he smiled even as he curdled on the inside.
“Training didn’t kill me, so I think I’m fine.”
Tanjirou was still frowning. “It’s just - lately, you’ve been giving off a scent of - of sadness. Zenitsu, are you okay?”
Ah. He forgot. He really forgot how perceptive that guy could be with that nose of his. Zenitsu swallowed quietly, trying to turn over all the possible things he could say in his mind. How did he even cover his own ass when Tanjirou could probably sniff out the truth?
“You can tell me. We’re friends. I don’t want you to be sad. Are you getting discouraged with training? Did someone say something to you? Is Inosuke eating too much of your dinner?” Ah. The way his heart sped up at the other boy’s name. Tanjirou. He could be so obvious. “I know Genya was a little mean to you, should I talk to him?” That boy, really. What a big heart he had. “Zenitsu...I’m not used to you being this way.”
Always with the shouldering, that one. It was good he was strong. He could carry so much. He didn’t need to carry this, too, Zenitsu decided.
“I told you before, didn’t I!” Zenitsu started, voice loud, trying to seem normal. Tanjirou startled, blinking quickly. “I’m weak, you know! This is nothing new. So, don’t worry too much! I’m the same as always.”
By the look that crossed Tanjirou’s face, he didn’t agree.
“That can’t be true. Zenitsu is strong. I was too busy fighting those demon siblings, but you were impressive! It was the first time I really saw you fight, much less your breathing style. Zenitsu, you’re amazing. You’re not weak at all. And not just with fighting! I wish you could see that, too.”
Ah. Normally such praise would have made him giddy. He would be giggling, his face in his hands trying to squirm under the sincerity of his words. But now - now Zenitsu’s mouth was sour. It felt like salt was pricking at every open sore across his skin.
Tanjirou worried a little harder. What kind of face was he making? What scent?
“Zenitsu -” Tanjirou faltered. “Zenitsu, I can’t know if you don’t tell me.”
“It’s nothing you can fix,” Zenitsu said hastily. Tanjirou looked stricken, like Zenitsu had told him they were no longer friends. “It’s something I have to do on my own.”
“Is it that thing you were worrying about before?”
“Ah. No. This one is a little different. But it’s the same either way. I have to come to terms with what I have to do.”
“And they have to be done alone?” Tanjirou pressed.
Zenitsu ducked his head. “One of them for sure, at least.” The most important thing. The only thing that could make his feelings for Tanjirou ever take a backseat.
Gramps. Out of everyone, and anyone, he had chosen him . Kept at him. If he didn’t resolve this...how could he repay him? How could he let him move on? No, this was definitely a one person job.
“And the other?”
“Ah,” Zenitsu starts. He’s cycling between shame and embarrassment now. How one boy can stir up so much in him is unfathomable. “I think so, yes. Sorry, Tanjirou.”
He smiled at him. Tried, anyway. “You’ve got your own battles, don’t you? These are mine.”
“Zenitsu. Not all battles are meant to be fought alone. Let people help you.”
And how could anyone help? Could they make Tanjirou love him the way he wanted? Take his feelings away and bottle them tight? Or maybe they could wake Zenitsu up, give him the power to let go. Gramps might have been able to. But Gramps...
“I don’t think these are things anyone can help me with.”
“You say that, but your scent says something different. You want that more than anything! Zenitsu -”
“Tanjirou,” He begged, and he could hear the creak in his voice. The way he was cracking. “Please.”
Tanjirou’s mouth snapped shut then. He was unhappy, and he was definitely not about to be knocked down by this, Zenitsu knew. He was obnoxiously, endearingly determined like that. But Tanjirou had a way of respecting people’s wishes, too. A series of expressions warred across his face. Zenitsu knew he was trying to decide if he should overstep or not.
Tanjirou sighed.
“I’m here, okay? I’m here for you. You’re my friend and you’re important to me. So is Kanao-san, Inosuke, Genya, and Nezuko. We’re here. Don’t,” Tanjirou trailed off. “Don’t do more than you need to do on your own.”
He looked up at Zenitsu then, red eyes blazing. Zenitsu wondered if his face might have mirrored his eyes. It felt hot, like tiny bursting suns across his cheeks.
Did love have a scent? Could the traitorous way his body hummed and burned be anymore obvious?
“Promise me that you’ll reach out if you become overwhelmed. I’ll come running. I promise you that.”
Against his better judgement, Zenitsu promised. Then, when he was alone again, he cried. Cried and cried and cried and wished Gramps was around to scold him or hit him or rub his back and cheer him on. Just a bit, just a moment.
In the quiet of the night, alone and just barely even able to leave his mouth, Zenitsu whispered, “I love you” to a figure no longer there.
After all, who but him could protect his own heart best?