#ftp:namiku

[rarmaster]

ftpverse namiku is "sometimes you are programmed to love someone. sometimes the programming is wrong."

[rarmaster]

so i said i’d have a Lot of thoughts to share once ATR95 went up, so here’s??

mainly it’s just, ftp namiku has been a thing I’ve been struggling with for, longer than I’d like to admit, becuase I essentially stopped giving a fuck about them at least a year ago! I talked myself into keeping them together two years ago because I felt the deserved better than a lazy break up becuase I didn’t care about them anymore but

after two years and at least 50 chapters I decided it was time to stop kidding myself. the circumstances I built into ATR changed (like, giving Namine her own plotline and agency, but also gestures at everything re: Riku getting adopted sldkfj) and even though they didn’t really deserve “lazy breakup because I don’t want to deal with it” they also don’t deserve “I forgot to address literally anything about their relationship for upwards of 50 chapters” 

and I deserved better than tying myself down to something I was ultimately unsatisfied with

so ftp Namiku is no longer dating

I mean, they never, were, officially dating to begin with but now at least the whole charade of “I guess we technically have a Relationship going even though neither of us act like it??” that’s been going on for the past like 70 chapters of ATR is over

“but rar!!” you may cry “THEY LIKE, //REALLY// LOVED EACH OTHER IN DEAD INSIDE, WHAT GIVES!!!!”

people change??? Namine’s literally been through hell, so she’s changed, as have her feelings. plus like. falling out of love is normal?? they’re literally teenagers?? technically they’re literally babies who have only a year’s worth of memories and experience under their belt, because replica???? 

(granted i think this was pretty obvious in the chapter sdlkf)

and they don’t, like, not love each other!!

they just finally looked at their love and went “hmm, not romantic”

for Namine it’s mainly just she’s changed as a person, and her feelings for Riku have also changed. I mean also misinterpreting How Romance In General Works probably also contributed, I just, I want to take a second to establish with Namine that like, she probably had Romantic Feelings for Riku at some point, and they just fell away.

as for Riku? boy’s aromantic

“rar you can’t make all your faves aromantic” SHUT UP, YES I CAN

its not really as clear as I think I would have liked it to be in this chapter becuase we weren’t in Riku’s pov (and also, tbh, it’s probably going to take him a little longer for him to actually be aware this is a thing he is) but like. it’s important to me?? that he’s aromantic??

and I understand that, maybe I’m contradicting my own canon here?? I don’t think I am, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this, so shares my thoughts on why I don’t think I am / how I’m “justifying” this I guess

> at least 70% of his feelings towards Namine until pretty recently were a mix of Desire To Protect and Unhealthy Obsession which, ain’t Romos, 

> I’m not saying he didn’t love her, because, he did?? but I don’t think anything in dead inside implied it was Inherently Romantic

> they do get like really affectionate in the later bits of dead inside but a) boy’s affection starved b) you can be affectionate / desire cuddles / desire to Spend Time with someone without being Romantically In Love With Said Person so, like

> there’s no way, again, he wasn’t super fucking confused about what Romantic Love even was until literally within the last month in-story? I said it before but like, someone took his feelings for canon/magik’s Namine and labeled them “Romantic Feelings” and that became his standard, which, like, blah blah he misinterpreted blah blah caused a lot of problems. also I’m def repeating myself but “didn’t understand what Romantic Feelings actually were” covers every instance from him re: thinking he had a case of the Romos when he probably did not

yeah

that’s it???

takeaway: I was done fooling myself into holding onto something I didn’t even love (ftp Namiku being A “Canon” Ship) and also in my heart I want my son to be aromantic, please, let me have this

[rarmaster]

anyway i consolidated all the info / my Final Feelings about ftpverse namiku into one post on the ftpverse blog so i wouldn’t have to reblog ten posts over there

it’s nothing new but yo if you’re looking through the ftp namiku tag and it’s not almost 1 in the am on april 18th’s morning then hey you should

check this post out

[rarmaster]

HONESTLY I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HYPE!!!!! HYPE??????

i’m litreally so happy and so thankful that i didn’t set Dating Namiku in stone. like i said, i have to edit one scene that implies the wrong things (and, maybe there are hints thruout dead inside for me to scowl at but)

as far as ATR is concerned namiku isn’t dating??? kairi and sora both ask and both times namine is like “ok i wouldn’t call what me and riku are doing dating, but” and i’m so??? i’m so glad.

[rarmaster]

oh and i guess i might wanna clarify at some point either via ppl asking namiku questions or what that even though it looks like they’re dating sorta They’re Not. they love each other but it’s not Dating. it’s not Romance. we love each other but how do you romance.

but i mean. still. they aren’t canonically dating and honestly my night has just been Made.

[rarmaster]

[thinks about all the times namine jokingly smacked riku] [burns]

[rarmaster]

anyway in recent months i have learned about queerplatonic relationships and [slides into your lap] ftpverse namiku

[rarmaster]

 okay yeah here’s my “liner notes” for the atr namiku mix which are more Me Just Yelling about ftpverse namiku bc i’ve been having a lot of feelings ab them and their.... circumstances??

i’ve talked about it before, how i was just, in this horrible rut w/ them and how for a couple months i was literally thinking “what if i just have them break up so i don’t have to deal w/ it anymore” because i wanted the weight of them and the shitty setup 13 y/o me gave them off my chest

and this mix has been like?? a focal point of me, starting to feel better about them,,,, because i wanted to make a Happier Mix but it turned into Songs For Where They Are Now and they all,,,, speak so well about not just where they are in story, but how i feel about them, in some ways??? 

their relationship, now, in atr, is “we’re together, we’re past the happy airy falling in love, now we have to work to make this relationship last” and maybe i’m the last person to be writing it but!! it feels good. it really does.

also i wrote down the description for the mix on the fly:

“it’s not easy, but we’re still learning, please don’t give up on us”

and i started crying because i know they’re Not Real but man,,,, MAN,,,,,,, i thought about giving up on them and it just,,,, that hits, close, to home, yanno, heck

anyway tracklist notes n stuff

 .

ava - famy

i found this on accident and it’s in the mix less for the lyrics and more bc i’m absolutely addicted to the FEEL of it. also i listened to it on repeat while working out some of the details of how i was gonna Make Them Work so it was a crime to cut it, imo

My conscience burning, my eyes are too Cuddled up with hard contempt Does she love you? And, I swear I do

they’re struggling... struggling to make this work,,,,,,

 .

the scientist - boyce avenue

i knnooooow this is in so many mixes but i heard this cover and i was like?? omg. omg. i wouldnt’ have put it in if i never found this cover but, it’s good, and also the lyrics... THE LYRICS

nobody said this would be easy no one ever said it would be this hard

that’s, exactly, EXACTLY what they’re going thru rn. they have no idea how relationships are supposed to work, they both have pretty skewed concepts of “love” and they have to make it work for the long haul now---but it’s not easy

it’s not easy at all

 .

birds - deas vail

another i picked for the feel more than the lyrics, though there, a lot of good lyrics in here outside those i picked to stick in the annotation etc, or at least Vaguely In Feeling

idk!!! i’m just!!! i’m really into this as another, step in the struggle, to figure things out to make things work, to find their footing

It’s not that there were ever bad intentions— it’s more that we forgot where to call home.

the rocks in between them, the things they struggle with, and namely: Riku’s Inability To Properly Express Love and being a Little Clingy

it’s not, done, maliciously. none of the bad things they’ve done to each other, that they’ve set in this relationship, were done with ill intents. they just!! they don’t know what they’re doing!!!!! and that’s not their fault!!

they’re a pair of replicas who only have about a year of Real Experience with life AT ALL under their belts and “how to define a healthy relationship” is DEFINITELY not something they’ve really, come to learn, in that time.

THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE WORKING ON NOW

ALSO ZOOMS HERE WITH AN EDIT SIX MONTHS LATER

we are just figurines with a theology that we don’t understand

the song kind of means it About God, but if you take it to mean About Love

i already said: they both had a skewed concept of love, neither of them understood what it really was. they’re learning, though, they’re learning, now

 .

about you - san cisco

this is in here literally just for one line, i’m not, kidding you

this is not about me it’s more about you and what you’re going through

some of, what they’re going through right now!! it’s not!! it’s not about THEM, it’s about,,, it’s about where namine is emotionally now, it’s about what she’s struggling with, sharp ptsd, the inability to feel comfortable with herself, let alone with RIKU in a romantic relationship!! 

it’s not!! just!! them as a whole!! there are individual problems as well!!

 .

a message - coldplay

this was pitched when the mix was just “happy namiku mix” and i was, really into, this from namine’s pov to riku ((still reaaaal into hurt/comfort ships then, lmao)) but it’s!!! i mean!! okay!! i’m real tired of codependency ships!! they suck!!! but it’s still a good, namiku song

because it’s less “i’m here for YOU” and more “WE’RE here for EACH OTHER”

so much of their relationship was holding each other thru hard times, and that’s not, gonna change soon

you don’t have to be on your own you don’t have to be on your own

((and, honestly, this is as much riku to namine as she struggles as it would be her to him---if not MORE riku to namine, honestly, at this point, and that makes me feel A Lil Better))

another set of good lyrics:

my song is love--i’m on fire for you

 .

until we can’t (let’s go) - passion pit

i was listening to this on spotify and i got to the chorus and i went, Oh My God, Please -- I admit this is more circumstantial then like, much else, but, i’m still really into

we’re still here, in this godforsaken place---

somebody else told me something about where you live can cause your suffering

someone said stop hesitating, we both know we're suffocating let's go find ourselves a home

it’s!! it’s about leaving CO!! about finally leaving the castle in which so many bad memories for riku were bred, it’s about finally leaving the place where they both have suffered So Much (and, in some ways, not returning to Destiny Islands, bc neither of them exactly belong there)

it’s about moving into HB it’s about moving in w/ Aerith and how GOOD that is for them, or, at least, how good it is for riku---BUT, IT’LL BE GOOD FOR NAMINE TOO. MOVING OUT OF CO, IN GENERAL, IS RLY GOOD

also this line later, really, got me

shell it out for something better than we think and better than we’d ever dreamed

hollow bastion, having a family, is soooooo goood

it’s so good

“Maybe… maybe it’s not quite the answer you want,” Riku said. “But… look at where we are. Where we’re living.” He turned and gestured in the direction of Aerith’s house. “I have never been this happy in my entire life.”

 .

open your eyes - snow patrol

this one has!! a lot of good lyrics!!! that happens a lot w/ snow patrol songs

i’m just really attached to this song and them!!! ghhfhfhf!!!! I COULD GUSH ABOUT LIKE LITERALLY EVERY LYRIC BUT, I WON’T, TAKE, THE ONES I PUT IN THE ANNOTATION I GUESS

Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

this is a tie-in to the previous song, them leaving CO, and that’s why it’s there, BUT ALSO, THIS ONE??

it’s right before that set, and, it’s also good

Get up, get out, get away from these liars 'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire

just!! riku to namine!!! I GUESS!! “they don’t get you!! don’t listen to them!!! there’s so much more inside of you!!!” IDK!!!! MAYBE ITS’ THE OTHER WAY AROUND, MAYBE IT GOES BOTH WAYS, IDK!!!

THIS IS JUST A GOOD SONG FOR THEM

 .

run - thriving ivory

THIS ONE!! GIVES ME SUCH A FEEL ABOUT RIKU!! W/IN THE FIRST LINE!!!

are you gonna turn your back on a blue sky?

this is a call back!! to older times!!! “are you really gonna let this love slip from you because you don’t think you deserve it?”

OH, AND THEN, AGAIN, LATER,,,

Are you gonna let go when the past holds you down? And how you gonna carry your own weight when I am not around?

YOU CAN’T LET!! THE PAST CONTROL YOU!! AND YOU ALSO CANNOT DEPEND ON ME TO KEEP YOU HAPPY!!! IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT RIKU!!! IT CAN’T WORK LIKE THAT!!!

HECK!!

I LOVE THIS SONG

BECAUSE, NOW THAT I’M REALLY LOOKING AT THE LYRICS!! THERE’S GOOD STUFF IN HERE FOR NAMINE TOO!!

Are you gonna play this part til there's no tears to dry?

are you going to keep pretending you aren’t suffering?

AND JUST!! THIS!!

You don't have to hold breath til you can't breathe Don't have to cry yourself to sleep And you've been walking after midnight, on a tight rope I can see you shaking now 

she is!! suffering!! and it’s from so much more than this relationship!!! but!! like frikken always!! they are there for each other, and riku’s starting to see how terribly she’s holding herself together, they’re starting to get into!! her!! and her problems!!! and they’re gonna work thru those too!!!

So are you gonna stay in the place where you started Or do you wanna hold my hand in the middle of America

ARE YOU GONNA STAY!! IN THE PAST!! IN THIS PLACE THAT HAUNTS YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT AND YOUR NIGHTMARES!!

OR ARE WE GONNA MOVE ON? ARE WE GONNA GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?

are you gonna run til you can’t anymore? you know it’s gonna hurt with your heart on the floor but you wanna fall in love do you wanna touch the light of morning?

ARE YOU GONNA RUN FROM THIS? ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE THIS BEHIND?? IT’S GOING TO HURT, IT’S GOING TO HURT, BUT DO YOU WANT TO FALL IN LOVE?

LOVE ISN’T!! EASY!! THIS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU!! IT ISN’T EASY!! BUT DO YOU WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER?

DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE DAWN AFTER THIS NIGHT, DO YOU WANT TO GET THRU THESE HARD TIMES AND INTO SOMETHING BETTER?

OF COURSE

YOU DO

SLAMS FISTS AGAINST TABLE OOHHHHH GOD I LOVE THIS SONG

 .

all in - lifehouse

THIS ONE!!! i had this jotted down esp for the “i’m all in for life” lyrics bc i was like “yeah!! this is riku!! really saying he’ll put himself into this and make it better!!”

but when i re-listened to it i, i realized,,,,

There's no taking back what we've got's too strong, we've had each other's back for too long There's no breaking up this time

WHAT WE’VE GOT IS TOO! STRONG!

WE’VE HAD EACH OTHER’S BACKS FOR TOO! LONG!!

THERE’S NO!! BREAKING UP!!! THIS TIME!!!!

THAT’S EXACTLY WAHT MY ATTITUDE BECAME TOWARD THEM!! AND IT WAS THIS SONG AMONG ALL THE OTHERS THAT MADE ME REALLY REALLY REALIZE

THEY HAVE BEEN THRU TOO MUCH FOR ME TO GIVE UP ON THEM

THEY DESERVE BETTER TOO

like, literally fuck “they’ve been so much they HAVE to be together because ROMANCE is all that’s FULFILLING in life and what is the end of a story if THESE TWO DON’T GET TOGETHER” that’s a shitty mindset and i hate it i HATE IT

but it’s not them

they’ve worked thru five years and over 300 chapters, thru five years, five stories, probably closer to frikken, 400 chapters, and maybe it’s only been a year in story, maybe it’s has, but they’ve still

they’ve worked thru so much together

they can’t give up on that

i can’t give up on that

love is more than mutual attraction and the falling part!! it’s!! staying together after that!! it’s a faithful devotion, it’s, continuously choosing to work for each other’s better it’s two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other

it’s not!! just a feeling!! it’s a choice!!! 

and relationships!! take time!! they take work!!! and this is no exception!!!!!!

it’s not!! perfect!!! it will NEVER BE!!! PERFECT!!!!!!!!!

BUT THEY CAN WORK AT IT

THANK YOU

GOOD DAY

I CRY