Today,
I want to cry. I want to give up. I look back at my life and I realize that I wasn’t even living it. I did everything in the wrong way. And now I’m stuck here just posting on tumblr because I can’t talk to anybody else about my issues. I don’t have any friends which is very cliche but trust me, my phone never gets any notifications. But typing is the way for me to vent right now. That’s my option. How to get better. How do I become better. How do I change. Why are the demons I’m fighting against so much stronger than me. Why am I so weak? Nobody is gonna read this so it’s okay for me to just say how I feel without caring. But that’s was where I went wrong.
It’s not that I should care about what people say about me but I should “care” what is said. There’s a difference and I took the hard way of figuring that out. I don’t care what people say about me but if people do keep my name in their mouths, why does it have to be all bad/negative things? All the stupid shit I’ve ever done in my life, the number one? Gambling. That shit tore me apart and it’s doing it again. I’ve lost complete control over what I do. I act and don’t think of any consequences of them. At least when it comes to money. But that’s not even the main problem. I lie about it.
I’m a liar. Maybe a compulsive one. But I feel like I lie when I’m caught in a predicament that’ll turn out bad for me and I try to make it good. Shit, I even lie and bullshit about random things just to talk and have conversation. Why do I do these things? There are answers and maybe I know them but I ignore them because they aren’t the answers I want.
I don’t take care of myself. At least I thought I was but I realize that I’m not taking care of myself the correct way. I don’t get why I’m trying to make this all organized when I’m not even an organized person. Another issue of mine.
I just have so much clutter around even in my room that it makes my whole life cluttered. I mean I’m taking to myself here in a damn tumblr post.
I just need to read these over and over again. And don’t stop reading it, even if you think it’s time you stopped because trust me. It’s nowhere near that time. I’ll know when.
Now I gotta go back to work. Break over.