Journal Entry, October 9th
There is no uncertainty nor ambiguity: Erchamion does not want to see me marry Gorthir. He wants me to stand up for myself, wants me to fight this.
Erchamion...wants me.
Even so, the only way we could be together is if we run, and I do not know what happens if we do. Despite his desire, will he even agree to come with me now if I suggest it? And if he does, what happens if this infatuation turns out to simply be an overinflated crush? What if, once we are alone with nothing but each other, we realize the spark is simply not enough to sustain us? Gorthir, while an insufferable man, is my best bet for a stable life that pleases my parents enough to ensure I remain heir to our estate. My work with the Void can only continue with their support, and that support only continues by making the right decisions with who I tie myself to. I have come to terms with the fact that marrying Gorthir is the sensible thing to do.
Yet still, against all my better judgement, against all rational thought and instinct for self-preservation, I...I want to run. I want to fight this.
I want to surrender my claim to this life and be with Erchamion.
To even just write it out fills my heart with an embarrassingly girlish delight that only he has ever been able to ignite in me; a warmth that inspires a true joy, something that I did not believe I would ever experience during the length of my life. The man has bewitched me, body and soul, and to fight against that truth so that I may marry Gorthir will likely serve to be the biggest regret I will ever know.
And so, that is it then, isn't it? I know what I must do.
Tomorrow eve, after the estate has settled for the night, I shall take Erchamion aside and ask him to come with me. Over the seas, across the deserts, through the forests – as far away as we can manage, to a place all our own - to a place where he may prove me wrong and show me what a living fairy tale looks like.
What a hopeless fool my love for him has made me.