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Another reason to be sad about my laptop not working is that I have at least 2 more weeks on my Pirate101 membership. I'm glad I at least don't have the auto-renew thing on and that I don't have to worry about canceling but damn.
Why is my luck so bad? This also happened to me years ago too except it was a Wizard101 membership that time. It honestly usually happens when I have something I'm looking forward to and I always miss out on whatever that thing was.
My birthday is in 4 days but I just can’t find it in myself to feel excited about it. I haven’t felt excited about my birthday in years though so it’s not really a surprise honestly. Its also been years since I last celebrated a birthday so I guess that makes sense. I guess I’m just overall disappointed that it’s another thing I don’t look forward to anymore. Maybe I should work up the motivation to do something nice for myself that day.
I just remembered that I rambled a bit the night before about being proud of watching 2 movies back to back and I realized I never shared what I watched.
Okay so first I watched Turning Red and it was really good. They did a good job with drawing out emotion and I definitely felt so much second-hand embarrassment while I was watching.
The second movie I watched was The Princess Bride and I’m a bit ashamed to say that I’ve never seen it before now. I honestly think now that I’ve seen it I would say it’s probably one of my favorite movies if not my favorite movie overall now. The good bit of comedic relief here and there was really helpful with keeping me drawn in and wanting to finish it. I feel like it’s a very easily rewatchable movie.
On this episode of Gar stays up all night due to their messed up sleep schedule (or well lack of a sleep schedule), I actually watched and sat through not one but two movies. Not to brag or anything but let’s just say I’m feeling pretty good about myself. Especially considering that I struggle keeping the attention span and motivation to sit through and finish watching most tv shows and movies. Just overall in a good mood atm and I think on that note I’m gonna have nap time now.
Last reblog actually reminded me of things someone said to me when I first got Instagram and the stuff they said was extremely messed up. And instead of immediately blocking, I decided to respond back calmly to their messed up comments and eventually after going back and forth, he eventually told me that he was actually sorry about the stuff he said but that he did it because he and a group of friends thought it would be funny.
Do I actually think he was sorry? At the time yes but now that I’m older I wonder how sorry he actually was. If you do that type of stuff with friends for fun once then it’s likely to happen again when the peer pressure sets in again. I decided to block him after that and get rid of all the comments since they hurt me and I didn’t want people that care about me to see them. I hope at least he learned to be more careful with his words because I still think about those words now and it’s been about 5 years since it happened. Those words still hurt and they contribute to how I view myself and my self worth to this day.
Part of me wishes that I hard just blocked immediately but I really hope he reflected on what I said and that it helped shape him to be better. I know that’s an unlikely scenario but I have to hold onto to that hope because when I talked to him further he was still saying terrible things before he became apologetic near the end of the conversation. The idea that my response possibly meant nothing and that I endured those words for nothing is a reality I don’t want to face.
I can’t see myself ever sharing and repeating what was said to me because honestly what exactly was said doesn’t necessarily matter in what I’m trying to convey. Knowing what was said isn’t helpful but something I do want to pass along is to always consider what you’re saying and how to can affect others. Whether it’s online or in person, please think about something before you say it especially if it’s something cruel. Once those words are said out loud or sent out for others to see, it’s often too late to take it back at that point. I suppose it can depend on what is said exactly but even if it can be fixed it’s still good to be careful.
TLDR; Be mindful of what you say because it can have long lasting affect on others and sometimes there isn’t a way to fix it once you put those words out there.
My sense of time is so messed up. I’m not what month it is in my brain but my mom told me Happy Valentine’s Day earlier and I was just like ??? and looked at the date and realized it is in fact February 14th. So Happy Valentine’s Day I guess but it sure as heck doesn’t feel like February to me.
Man, I wish I could remember the dream I had last night because it was so interesting with the story that was going on and I was sad when I was woken up from it. It’d be nice to be able to go back to it now that I’m home and sleepy. Maybe I’ll remember what happened randomly later on and I can share a few details I remember.
Actually sat down and tried to draw seriously for the first time in a long while and honestly it was exhausting and all I did was a sketch. Wasn’t even like a refined sketch, just a very bare minimum sort of one. I hate that it feels so draining. I want to improve my art and develop a new style but I feel so stuck because of the motivation and energy that’s required to accomplish that. I wanna be good at art so badly and it’s hard not to look at the skill level I’ve been stuck at for like 2 (or maybe more) years and not feel utterly disappointed. In some areas, because I stopped drawing due to the motivation thing, I actually got worse.
It’s often talked about how bad it is to compare yourself to others and I’m so bad about doing that, but I’m also currently struggling to not compare my current myself to my past self. Because I look at old art and I’m like “wow, I didn’t know it then but I was making progress here and doing good” and it’s like what happened?? Where did the enjoyment to create go? Why does it just make me feel kinda sad to do now? I want to love art but I feel like I’ve developed a bad relationship with it and I’m unsure how to fix it. I’m just hoping that with time it gets better and I find the passion for it again.
