everytime i see someone post about how TES elves should be prettier, or praising the dumbfuck gooner mods for "making elves better" or praising ESO for "making the elves look good", my blood pressure rises and I get the urge to strangle them across the confines of space and relativity.
elves, in a strictly mythological consideration, are freaks. bureaucratic monsters from the edges of our nightmares, unalike humans in that they are wholly apart from nature yet in control of it (rather than being of nature and controlling it), and living so long as to forget what it means to live, using unspeakable magics to twist humans into knots, to ruin lives, to fell kingdoms because it gets their cocks hard and their pussies wet and they are too vapid to know what masturbating is, let alone to find the clitoris.
they are warnings about going out too late, about accepting gifts from strangers, about not leaving a bowl of milk out (to attract cats to hunt the rodents eating your grain stock),
they are smug, giggling socialites and aristocrats who, if they were alive today, would incessantly post alpha-male doomer joker memes on facebook (put THAT in changeling the lost). they remind me greatly of that dragons dogma sphinx who in turn reminds me of all the 15 year old wannabe goth girls in high school who stopped taking their meds and thought they were harley quin
elves in the elder scrolls are much like that, but more easily punchable. things that are near-human, but are not. the sedentary siblings of creation to the wanderers of humanity. even the alien "beast" races are more sensible in their machinations than the mer.
the dunmer are ash-skinned, pupiless, red-eyed fire monsters with high cheekbones from an alien landscape of giant bugs and giants mushrooms - as a near-whole, they are whiny jackasses who decided to make their own casino on someone else's house and then bitched when the neighbors came to complain (with a robots and tongue-magic), then bitched some more when the lizards and cats they were keeping as slaves and cattle rose up and fought back, then bitched even harder when the big rock / gun pointed at their head held by one of their god kings "mysteriously" fell on their capital and triggered a hypervolcano that somehow didn't annihilate the surface of the planet (probably because the Daedric Prince of Destruction had been sent to their room) and they were forced to ask for help from snow perverts.
the altmer are jaundiced, yellow eyed solar-powered boomers who brag about and coast by on the achievements of their forebearers. their faces are narrow yet deep, like knives, with haughty eyes and pouty lips always either on the verge of calling you a slur or breaking down sobbing.
a large chunk of the altmer population want to eradicate all of life, all of existence and reduce it back down to ethereal non-sentient ghost-sludge because they've blackpilled themselves into thinking that being a stagnant puddle in a senseless vacuum is more appealing than the sweet fruits, wine, red meat, adrenaline, art, and joy that they were "tricked" into having.
the orsimer are chill
the bosmer are... well they bounce back and forth between silly little muppet gnomes and cannibalistic animal-eyed halfmen and are criminally done-by, with most entries making them generic Silvan-style Tolkien forest elves instead.
None of these elves should look like normal humans! And it's good that they shouldn't! They are weird and should BE weird!
And NO, before you say "well i think its interesting when alien cultures look like humans", PLEASE remember that between the soul-sword-nuking samurai-pirate racists, the dragon-screaming snow perverts, the bulldragonmoth-worshipping masochist colonizer-cultists, and the multitudinous variety of weird enclaves of humans living across the continent (reachmen, kothringi, rimmen, etc.) there are already WAY MORE "look like humans act like aliens" types than any other fantasy setting - the inbred french former-elf-sextoys ren faire enthusiasts are the closest thing to "normal" humans in the entire setting.
as for the weebs who think elves are supposed to look like hot people but with pointed ears, deedlit is not the fucking shadow on the cave wall. get over it or end up like peekaf.
