Okay so we were talking on Discord about Bill and his redemption arc, and how it may or may not happen, and I wrote this behemoth about my own headcanons-turned-semi-fanfic that took me like a half an hour to type out in full.
To start: I strongly believe Bill cannot move on until Ford is dead. He needs to loose something permanently that he genuinely cares about to allow himself to grieve, and only THEN can the door open for proper healing. So this is going to take him a LONG time.
Buckle up for this one, I suppose.
Now presenting, in accordance to my own headcanons:
Bill Cipher's Redemption Timeline
- Denial
- Denial
- Denial
- Information about Ford getting sick, demanding to see him, refusal.
-Ford dies. Bill denies more, insisting that Ford deserved it or that Bill doesn't miss him
- He misses him. Badly.
- Lashing out at others
- Realizes he does truly have nothing
- MORE lashing out
- Looses energy
- BIG CRASH
- From there it's messy as fuck. Peaks and valleys. He doesn't want to get better but he also wants to stop feeling like this
- So he starts listening to his therapists more (but also fights them/undermines them/pretends like he isn't)
- Lashes out at other patients a lot when the therapists can handle what he dishes out
- Basically fights tooth and nail the entire time his arc is going
- At one point, he finally, finally opens himself up to the idea of processing his grief about Ford being truly gone
- This is the first time he cries in. However long. At least since O'Sadleys, but that was more of a drunken thing than anything truly genuine
- Just wants to be left alone for days. They let him.
- Once he finally shows back up, he's snippy and angry, but overall more cooperative (because he's depressed and doesn't have the energy to fight rn)
- Over time he gets that spirit back, but it's never to the same high it was before
- They keep processing other things- the fact that he never had true friends, that he feels powerless without subjects, that he can't differentiate a friend and a tool, ect
- Finally, after thousands of years, they start to ask him about Euclydia
- INSTANT SHUT DOWN. NO.
- But there's not much else to talk about.
- Bill, at this point, DOES allow himself to feel bitter and remorseful about what went down for most of his life. He's still snippy and has an attitude, that never left. He also still thinks gore is funny. But he's self-aware enough to understand that he isn't letting himself move on.
- But Euclydia is a no-touch zone
- Eventually, with his consent, they try hypnotism on him to see what that would reveal about his past, without him getting consciously denial-crazy about it. Bill is hesitant, but does agree, under the impression that that won't do anything. (basically a "tch, sure. Can't spill if there's nothing too spill! So why not! No skin off my teeth!")
- It does.
- Under hypnotism, Bill is able to recount exactly what happened on Euclydia, and once it wears off, he goes back to denial. He was making it up. You faked that recording. That didn't happen. He can't even *listen* to it without dissociating or going "LALALA I CANT HEAR YOU"
- (btw this is a real strategy you can use to uncover repressed memories. The science behind it is really interesting if you wanna look into it)
- Eventually, Bill cracks. He just screams at them about how he can't heal. Because he's a monster. And monsters are meant to be ridiculed, and everyone was right about him. yadda yadda my own HCs about his time on Euclydia ect ect
- Once that dam breaks, it all comes spilling out
- He can't take it back
- Everyone knows
- Oh, god, everyone knows
- He's pathetic
- He hates himself
- god, he hates himself
- But he's stuck with himself
- He can't go anywhere
- Nothing to distract him
- It's just him
- Only him
- Basically he has a several year-long spiral about it
- It's once he's able to calmly discuss with a therapist what he's done that the Axolotl appears to him
- You see now, they speak, softly. You see what I tried to tell you for so long. That admittance and accountability is what you needed. You feel better, yes?
- "No," Bill says flatly. "I don't."
- Are you sure? They circle him in his mindscape, gentle. You feel bitter, and sad. But does it not feel good to let it out?
- "No." Bill turns away, getting defensive. "If you're not here to do anything productive and play therapist when I already have a full roster of 'em, you can go."
- The Axolotl chuckles. It is my institution, Bill.
- "Whatever."
- They circle around him. Just answer me one thing; if you could do it over again, what would you do?
- Bill pauses. No one's asked him that before, too busy trying to get him to just admit he was in the wrong. "Why?"
- Just a thought experiment. You like those, right?
- Bill sighs. "I dunno. I don't think I'd do anything different."
- They tilt their head. Why not?
- "Cuz I wanted out!" Bill shakes, old anger returning. "I wanted to see! There was NO WAY I was going to live a life there on that pathetic two-dimensional narrow-minded plane of NOTHING! I wanted out, and I'd do ANYTHING to get it!"
- The Axolotl nods. The people who raised you failed you.
- "You can say that again." He frowns. "If you're about to say that everything I'd done wrong ever is because my mother didn't love me, you can stuff a pillow in it."
- No, of course not. Your actions are your own. They swim back in front of Bill again, facing him. What I meant was that, if you had another option, you'd take it.
- Bill stiffens, then deflates. "...yeah."
- The Axolotl extends a paw. Then I believe you're ready.
- Bill freezes.
- No. No, there's no way it was THAT simple.
- "...What are you talking about?"
- Life. I believe you're ready. They tilt their head at him. My staff told you of the reincarnation process, yes? About how you will be reborn, in a new form, with a new life, for a second chance?
- Bill just stared. Then, he waved his hands around. "You can't be serious! All this time, and you're just gonna give it to me, just like that?! I thought you said that I needed to overcome trials!"
- And you have. They swim closer, expression soft. Did you think these thousands of years in the Theraprism were for my own enjoyment?
- Bill stares.
- You are ready. I have a time and place where I believe you will thrive.
- As they start to swim away, Bill on the edge of waking up, he floats after them. "WAIT! But, I can't- I don't-!"
- They stop, turning to him in surprise.
- Bill himself also seems shocked. "I just..." He blinks. "How do you expect me to do better with a history like mine?"
- Ax's face softens again. That is the best part. The world starts to turn bright, Bill waking up. You won't remember this life, but will still be your core self. It's a true new chance where you can live the life you denied yourself.
- And Bill woke up.
- Then, the red light outside his room started flashing green.
- He was escorted to the reincarnation chamber, and for the first time in ages, felt anxious. Truly, truly anxious.
- "What if I mess it up again??" he finds himself asking the escort. "What if I end up back here?"
- They smiled. "You won't. But, I guess we'll see you soon."
- And then he was thrown in....
- And then he awoke, hearing a demon's roar in the distance, as the shell surrounding him began to crack.