A person who wants a future with someone would want to get better with them and grow with them that includes working out with them and making sure you both on the right track for the future you both want. There is no I in team. marriage and relationships become a team. And both should discuss some alone time because it’s important for sanity. Your make time for your self and your planning for your self and I knew this for a long time but I’m waking up again from this fogg i been trapped in. I have never fallen short in anything i needed. everything i get is always blessed by the almighty. It’s time for me to make time for me only. It’s time for me to step back and be alone. I need a team mate to help me grow not a friend with benefits. I need a partner …a life partner & everyday your becoming less of that. It really sadness me but it’s part of growing to let go.
But in an effort not to air out my dirty laundry on Facebook, and still keep my emotions in check in real life, where else can I go? Does anyone even read these anymore?
So... I don’t know what I did, man. But my girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment for NO REASON.
She does this thing where if I ask her if something’s up or if she’s pissed at me, she’ll tell me. “I don’t have the words for it right now, but we’re going to talk later...”
And I’m supposed to just... accept that.. NOT REACT and just move on through the day, like everything’s cool!??
I don’t have much to go off on, so this is gonna be fun to analyze.
Today I got up... went to the computer, dealt with some change of address forms. (Oh yeah, I moved by the way.) Then realized I needed new checks, so I navigated how to do that. And while I was at it, I looked into scheduling an appointment to a nearby place to replace my brake pads and rotors. When I found out it wasn’t happening that day, I started to plan for next week (when this appointment will be happening).
Once I was done with all that, I finally joined my girl whose been sitting on the couch this whole time. [For context, she’s been waking up with a bad back lately and immediately goes to the couch to sleep/wake up in comfort. WIth the TV on, no less. So all this time, I can’t tell if she’s sleeping or chilling and actually watching something. She sleeps really late too on the weekends.
Either way, I finally join her and bring up that we need to get groceries today. I already know she hates going food shopping on Sundays, so I’m ready to do it. Just want to plan it right with her, rather than go willy nilly and possibly forget stuff that she needs.
Well right away it’s, “Can I eat something first, before we talk about this?”
And I say, “Of course,” and so she sets herself up with something. In the meantime, she finds out that something she made a while ago went bad, because it’s been in the fridge rather than the freezer and I had to throw it out, which was wasting food. I can tell that really upset her, but there’s nothing I can do about it...
So she has her breakfast ready, and now I try to talk about grocery planning, and she immediately snaps at me.
“I said, can I Eat something first!?”
And I threw it right back at her saying, “You’ve got your food in front of you, don’t you? Let’s plan while you eat.”
She got upset and whatevered it. Then she snaps with, “Well what do you want!? What do you want to make this week?”
And that upset me. “Why do I always have to make the dinner plans!!?”
She countered with saying that she made dinner plans because she was the last one to shop. And I reminded her that I’ve been to Shoprite twice this week...
From there we actually were productive and got a list together. Came up with some meals for the week, and I was off. But that was it. Now the vibe was different. She couldn’t get over the fact that I was standing up for myself, for her being an asshole, and frankly, from her perspective, I know she’s gonna tell me that I was the dick. And that I pressured her into making a decision about food for the week, when she wasn’t ready for it, or some shit.
But time is of the essence man. I don’t know how, but by the time I got back from groceries it was already 4:00!! And I had band practice at 8 PM. When I kissed her goodbye before the errands, she said, “Have fun” as she always does, to which I retorted, “Well it’s not fun, but it’s gotta get done...”
No reaction.
I left and did the thing. Once I was back there wasn’t really any talking. She immediately put away the groceries I brought back, which was nice of her. I actually wasn’t expecting that.
She noticed I brought home ground beef and questioned why I wanted to make burger patties out of it, when I brought home a box of turkey burgers.
I told her for variety’s sake. We’re not gonna always want a Turkey Burger. And this too, pissed her off. She had mentioned that it could’ve been a meatloaf, to which I responded, “You never mentioned anything about a Meatloaf when we talked about our meals.”
And she didn’t say anything to that one. She continued watching whatever that new Netflix show is that Roasts Historical Figures. And it was annoying...
But I did the burger patties in silence, while she enjoyed her show. I tried to ask questions about the show here and there, but no real conversation came of it. So once I was done, I thought about our Laundry situation which isn’t great.
[For context, our machine kicked the bucket the day before, but our Landlord was nice enough to let us use his in the meantime.] So I brought up that we should get the Laundry going downstairs. And she was all, “If you wanna do that, go for it! Do what you gotta do!” which confused me.
I was like, “Well it’s Our Laundry... and it needs to get done, so...”
And she comes back with, “Well, I cleaned the kitchen so...”
And I was so annoyed. I went down, by myself to figure out this new machine. I’m still new to washing machines and dryers, and this is a whole new deal with the Landlord in our new place, so I figured it was something we’d explore together. But nope. I figured it out myself, and it was fine.
But now I go back upstairs and sit with her on the couch. She’s playing her game on the phone that she’s addicted to, while an old show she’s watched plenty of is in the background. I asked her if she wanted to watch something or play her game, and she reacted in a way that was hard to read.
This was her moment to... Do something with me. But clearly she was upset about something. Something that I couldn’t or didn’t understand at the time. And I could tell. I forgot what her reply was, but it was clear that she was content to keep playing her game, while that thing was on in the background.
And so I finally asked her. “What’s up? Are you pissed at me??” To which she scoffed. Played her game for 5 minutes!!!! And then finally responded with, “...I don’t have the words for it right now, but when I do we’ll talk later...”
And I know this button. Don’t push this button. I’ve been here before and it’s not pretty.
When she says this, immediately, I’m in the dog house and I know it. But I don’t know why. And I NEED to know why. It spikes up my anxiety levels. Now I feel like I fucked up, or there’s something I could’ve done better. But then.. I take a step back and realize.. I’ve done Nothing. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. Fuck you. Tell me what’s wrong. Right now.
And............ having gone through this with her more times than I’d like to admit in the last 4+ years... This time, I opted Not to do that.
But I was still just as pissed, and just as curious as to what could Possibly be the problem this time. So I gave her a snap point with my fingers and got up. As I walked away she goes, “What’s this?” and did the snap point back. To which I just responded in a low voice, “I don’t understand you...”
And that was it man. I fucked off. I went to the 2nd Bedroom. Thank GOD we have one. And I read some fuckin’ comics. While having a timer on to keep checking on the laundry downstairs.
::sigh::
She came in at some point to ask about dinner. We had already agreed on sausages and mixed veggies tonight, but she seemed to have forgotten that. When I brought it up, she was like, “Ya don’t wanna do... one of the other meals that’ll take longer??”
And I said, “I thought we made a plan to do the steak thing tomorrow.”
To which she quickly shook her head, raised a hand and said, “Whatever. It’s fine!”
And I called her out on that behavior right there. And said, “Why are you so dismissive!?”
She goes, “I’m not being dismissive-” “So miffed!?” And she responds, “I’m not being dismissive, and I’m not being miffed...” in a slightly calmer voice and walks away.
I didn’t get that, but I guess she was trying to calm down?? Then I made a great dinner. While cooking, she asked if I wanted her to change whatever she was watching. I said, “No.. We’ll watch something eventually...” And we practically ate in silence while her stupid other new show was on. Don’t know the name. Don’t really care about the plot...
I tried to bring up last night over dinner. (We went to my best friend’s party last night and had a really good time.) The conversation was one sentence though.
“Last night was fun, man.”
“Yeah, it was.”
That’s it... Eventually she got a little self-aware, after finishing her bowl and asked, “Do you want me to change this??”
And I said, “Well, how long is it? I don’t want to interrupt your program.”
And there was 6 minutes left. So I let her ride out the 6 minutes, while I focussed on laundry or whatever. Then FINALLY we had a chance to actually watch something together.
The time was now 7, and I had basically half an hour to spend with her before band practice at 8. She puts on Monty Python’s Flying Circus, which is hit or miss with me, but I am enjoying it.
Tonight I only laughed a little bit.. She didn’t really laugh much either.
And then I had to go...
Band practice was great. My friends are awesome. I tried not to drag them down with my bullshit, but of course I aired it out. It makes 0 sense to them, but I was also glad that it wasn’t bashing hour either.
I came out happier, by the end of it, but when I keep thinking about it. And her ways...
I keep thinking. “You’d better find the words to your feelings soon, because by the time you do, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to care any more...”
I can’t stand it. Today was a day of fucking Errands. Everything I did today, was basically for Us. Or a way to benefit us in the future. [Can’t go out on dates, if my car is falling apart, right?]
Who am I kidding, we don’t have time for dates anymore... Or money...
It’s Wedding Season, and that is supplementing the outness, but also adding to our financial stresses. Which are only starting to be relieved now. The checks from work and money from private students are slowly coming back in, after our big slam of paying off the old apartment, buying into our new place, and of course getting a new bed together, and all of this other stuff.
I get it. She’s been through a lot. And I already said it to her before. I feel like she’s always upset, she’s always miffed, and that she’s always taking it out on me. I’m gonna remind her of that. I even said to her, I feel like she doesn’t love me anymore.
She told me that of course she does, but also reiterated that it’s been a rough month. (I guess bordering on 2).
I know what it’s like to sleep like shit and have a bad back.
But it’s no excuse to treat me like shit, when all it seems like I’m doing is dancing fucking circles around you. Fucking Feeding you dinner, and always getting you a new drink. At your fucking Beck and Call. All the time!
...She wants Couples Therapy... For a whole year, I’ve fought her on it. But I’m finally at that point where I’m tired of having the same fight. And this isn’t the first time that I’ve felt Exactly the same Way.
I deserve better.
So I guess this is it. I guess she wins...
As I’m writing some of this out, I feel it too. I kind of Want Couples Therapy now. Just to see what the fucking doctor will say about Her!
I know I’m not perfect. I know I have a Mood Disorder. But guess what mother fucker, I’m already taking care of that. I already See someone.
She needs to see someone too. But no. She wants to rope me into it too. As if it’s all me, that is amounting to her problems.
She’d argue if she heard that. I don’t get all of her reasons for wanting Couple’s Therapy.
But I’m telling you, right now Tumblr. The reason why I kinda want it right now, is because I don’t want this to be My Life.
I don’t want us to break up. But something needs to Seriously Change, about that way we conduct ourselves around each other.
I even reminded her that back in the beginning, she used to say to people with such a smile on her face, “I’m gonna fucking marry that guy.”
Now she doesn’t even remember ever saying that...
She’s depressed man... She’s got issues. And I want to help her with them. Lord knows, she’s helped me with some of mine. But also, God damn it.. She’s not really being a partner. I don’t feel it...
And don’t get me started on the lack of sex. We’ve almost been in this new apartment for a month and we still haven’t had sex on our new King Size Bed.
What does That tell you about our Relationship, dear Tumblr??...
If anyone read this and made it this far, thank you...
I don’t know who’s on this any more, or if anyone cares about my stupid blog anymore. But I can tell you this. Right now I needed you.
I needed to write all this down and sort out my thoughts. So if this is the sort of thing that I do from time to time, and you’re here with me. I’m glad to have you with me...
Thanks Tumblr. I hope to write to you soon. With better news, I hope.
when i’m with my gf she likes to notify me when she’s about to sneeze so i can get to see it (i love her so fucking much) and she usually sneezes very quickly, so her time to notify me is slim to none. this results in situations where she’ll, idk, be in public and yell at me across the room “BABE!!!” before sneezing harshly or grabbing my hand saying “quick, look” before stifling with it or quickly coming up behind me to loudly sneeze at me, all while our friends look on like “???”
so obviously this is a problem.
i’m thinking a potential solution could be if she acted as if she didn’t expect the sneeze and said something after rather than just staring at me in silence while i blush but she’s not one for acting, or being subtle.
I’ve had two gfs tell me that they are scared of me and like. I’ve never even like made to hurt them. I’ve never even threatened to hurt them—physically, emotionally—doesn’t matter! It’s absolutely insane. I don’t even know why I’m scary.
Like I say things sometimes but only to get them out. Maybe I’m a sociopath or something.
But I’m not stupid. I’m far too attractive for jail.
