We Review: Glamour Hotline
Today we had the pleasure of listening to Glamour Hotline’s most recent album Home, a desperate attempt at a comeback after their first embarrassment of an album, not-so-aptly named Spooky Cool Girls (Girls they are, spooky and cool they are not). And what a desperate attempt at a comeback it is. Before we go into our review of the musical dynamics of this hardly-artistic endeavor, we want to first comment on the incessant pop-ups that barraged the computer screen from the moment we opened Glamour Hotline’s bandcamp page. Be forewarned, dear readers: Glamour Hotline really, really wants you to buy their new album. Take our word for it; it’s not worth the $1.99 investment.
Now, onto the actual, er, music. The opener is a track called “Welcome,” a sloppy piece of music that sounds like how alcohol poisoning feels. You know that feeling when you’re too drunk to handle yourself, and you end up spending way too much time of an otherwise fun night crouched over a toilet dry-heaving and spitting all over yourself? That’s “Welcome” in a nutshell. Amazingly, the song’s run-time is only 1 minute, even though it seems to trudge along for an eternity. Track 2, titled “Apartment,” is reminiscent of “Rock Lobster,” and not in a good way. The amateur musicianship of the three band members is evident; the guitar riff is a sickly, weak series of notes that makes me feel bad for the instrument. It sounds like the Shaggs, if they had a DS1. The guitars need to be tuned. There’s not much else to discuss for this one. Track 3 is titled “Moving,” and we’re hesitant to even call it a song, since it’s only 43 seconds long and nothing of substance happens during it, not that this is new for the album at this point. I imagine they named the track “Moving” because it’s supposed to represent a transition from one part of the album to another, or something similarly ham-fisted. Yay for pseudo-intellectualism! I know there’s a fourth song on this “album,” but it’s just as mediocre as the past three songs, and we don’t feel like dedicating any more of our time to such a doomed and unimportant musical project.
-Mephistopheles and Alceste