Puppy dog
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•ᴥ︎• Anon asked: Imagine reader being joost new dogsitter!! He’s away for tour or something and he constantly asks her for updates on his dogs :-)) when he returns they have some tension ?? Friends to lovers if u may
•ᴥ︎• a/n: sorry for the wait again but who is surprised at this point. i was really hoping to get this done before Joosts next tour but uh… thats not gonna happen rip
•ᴥ︎• (dog) tags: 10.8k words! that’s really it
part one, part two, part three, part four, part five,
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Part 5
You remember the day Joost had pulled you home, eagerly showing you every room in his house and making you promise you would treat it as your own. Yet all the places Joost had tugged you into with a big smile were all places you felt like an outsider. A week ago you felt wrong even sliding into the inviting warmth of his bed, and in a way you were right, it brought on thoughts you weren’t ready to come to terms with. You figured you had the time to work through them but as your phone buzzed in your hand and his face flashed on the screen you realized it was much worse than you thought.
A couple of weeks ago you would’ve never felt so frenzied at the thought of a simple text from a friend. But here you were, feet cemented in place as the implication of his words rattled in your brain.
“Got time to talk?” He said, “Yeah sure ofc!” you responded a little too quickly. But then he surprised you, threw you off when he said “can we call?”. You and Joost weren’t strangers to a phone call, many times had he called you slurring his words after a night out. Shouting into the microphone about how they played a song you would’ve loved, crooning as he told you he tried your favorite drink and it was ass. This had gone both ways of course, you calling him and saying something so embarrassing he would repeat it back to you for months.
But now you hesitated, knees shaking as the phone rumbled in your hand. You weren’t the biggest fan of phone calls, but this sinking feeling wasn’t just from the echo of the ringtone of the air. For some odd reason you felt as soon as the call went through, Joost would hear a change in your voice. He would somehow sense an extra sweetness in your voice, honeyed words birthed from lingering thoughts through the weeks. You also knew though, if you didn’t answer he would definitely know something was wrong, a shift in the dynamic or the sharp silence between you.
You wished you could freeze time, weigh the options as the phone settled in your hand. But you knew time was fleeting, each ring a clump of sand sliding through the bend of an hour glass, each second giving him more of an excuse to ask you what took so long. So you held your breath and pressed against the smooth glass, hoping your hand was steady enough you wouldn't press the wrong button, and waited as the call sprung to life.
His name taunted you on the screen as there was a bloated pause, it lasted so long you had to check to make sure your volume wasn’t muted. Joost broke the silence first.
“Uh, helloo?” He sounded almost timid through the static of the voice call.
“Oh! Uh yeah, hi!” You cringed at how fast you responded. “um, how are you, everything good?” You slapped a hand over your face. Jesus, this isn’t a work call.
You heard his laugh ring through the speaker, thanking god for the fact he chose to do a voice call, glad he wasn’t able to see the goofy face it caused to form. You heard him take a breath and a creak from a chair. Suddenly feeling foolish letting yourself think it would be any different this time, anxiety almost melting away just hearing his voice. You almost forgot how genuinely comforting his company could be.
“God, you don’t have to be so proper with me. Has it been that long!” You could hear the smile on his face, could almost picture him slouched in his chair. Lackadaisically poured into the cushioning with his hand engulfing the phone against his ear.
“Sorryy, who is this again?” You tried to stifle the giggle bubbling through, failing when his shrill laugh ripped through the phone. Your eyes fell to Onion, who still sat in front of you. His ear perked at the sound of Joost’s voice, tail knocking into the chair behind him as it shook.
“Y’know Onions right here with me, he perked up when he heard your voice…” Your voice trailed off as you scratched the fluffy dog, cooing ‘aint that right, boy’ when he leaned into the touch.
“…That's why you called, right?”
“Uhh, yeah! Just homesick I guess.” There was a pause before he spoke, like he had to hold himself back from saying something.
“Well he’s been showing me around lately, he brought me to some interesting stuff actually.” You stepped closer to the record player, leaning down to look at the hanging picture.
“Yeah…? like what?” Joost’s voice was softer now, tentative like he was waiting on the edge of his seat for what you would say next. A part of you wanted to avoid talk of the pictures you had seen displayed in his house, scared bringing it up would reveal how deeply it had affected you. Like the sickly reverence would seep through the cracks and right into his hands, slipping through the gaps in his fingers and staining every thing between you. Yet you couldn’t stop yourself from speaking once you heard his voice, It was impossible for you to speak to him and not start spilling your guts.
“Well, when I woke up Onion was sitting by your record player in the corner here. You’ve got a cute little setup going.” Despite the thumping in your heart your voice sounded smooth. You leaned closer to the display, reaching out to brush your fingertips against the satiny finish of the picture.
“The music was actually blasting, I’m surprised I even noticed these little decorations you got here. Do you always leave your records under the needle?” You tried to be discreet about bringing up the picture, sandwiching what you really wanted to say between fluff. You painted a lighthearted facade despite the way your cheeks burned when you saw it.
“No, not always, but I like to listen before I set off. I’ll usually play it as I write, I’ll sit in the chair right where it’s loudest and write out what I’m thinking or how I feel. That's where my best work comes to me and Onion’s probably leaving fur all over.”
His voice worked like medicine for you, targeting spots of stress and melting them away like streams in the rain. Listening to him speak so tenderly about the intricate simplicities of his life made you feel closer to him.
“I bet you’ve seen the picture too huh?” His voice rumbled through the strange feeling bubbled up in your throat, you’re not sure exactly where this was leading even though you’re the one who brought it into conversation.
“Yeah, it’s cute! when was this again…?” Ok. very nonchalant. Casual, even.
“Oh don’t act like you don’t remember! That was that good bar a couple streets down. When a bunch of people canceled and then out of the last two, one got really drunk and had to be carried home by the other. We were the last ones left.”
The moment of reminiscing made your heart swell, the static speaker did nothing to hide the sweetness in his voice as he recounted the moments.
“Oh I remember, I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t expect to see it taped here.”
“Well… why not?” He smoothly responded.
“Oh umm…” You actually hadn’t thought that far ahead. It really shouldn’t be that weird, he had plenty of pictures littered around his house like stars, lighting up the wallpaper in every direction. There was no real excuse for you to be feeling any more special than his other friends. But you couldn’t shake the feeling that there was a difference between how you were displayed. Maybe it was wishful thinking, the quiet hope that as he hung up your pictures he used more love and care than he did for anyone else. Why else would you be found everywhere he was bound to spend a moment in.
“So how is the tour? Where are you headed now?” You asked though you knew the answer already.
“It’s tiring but I swear I wouldn’t ask for anything more. Tonight is Austria, then Prague. The traveling is a lot but god it’s so worth it to hear the people. It’s unreal and… hard to explain.”
Hard to explain, he says, you fight not to overthink the little phrases but you fail that battle quickly. Does he mean that he finds it hard or that you would struggle to understand? Sometimes you felt this distance between you was far greater than the miles on the road. As if each ticket pushed you farther from him, into a world of flashing lights and outstretched hands. You feared being left behind more than anything, scared of freezing as a picture in a frame while he went out and changed lives.
“Yeah, I guess I'm not one to be in the spotlight…” A simple statement that felt more like you were bearing your heart to him. There was a part of you that wished he would deny your deprecation, say you two were more alike than you thought. It never came.
“It’s so different up there. Like, I could be full of anxiety all night, scared I'm gonna let everyone down or fail to live up to their expectations. But as soon as I hear the first beats of music or feel the anticipation of the crowd it just… melts away, like it was never there. You might not get it but…”
Your brain shut off at those words.
You might not get it
The end of his sentence dissolved into the air, the words bouncing off the walls of your brain. They hurt more than they really should. Though you knew he meant no harm, it still sunk deep into your skin and embedded itself like a tick.
“Yeah, I guess… I might not.” Unspoken emotion seeped out of every word.
“Thats okay, like I said, it’s just different.” He seemed so dismissive from across the borders, so… indifferent.
Before you could continue to spiral into your own head, you heard the softest scratching at the door. You asked Joost to hold on as you pattered towards the door, as the whining grew louder you knew exactly what was waiting for you on the other side.
“Y’know, I don't think I’ve ever met a dog so clingy!” You chuckled as a black and white fluffy mass poured into the room, tail hitting the door as he looked up at you. His body could barely contain the excitement from the anticipation of an incoming pet, hips swaying viciously as he tried to sit and be good. You tilted your outstretched hand upward and he exploded in affectionate energy. Unable to decide if he wants to lick your hand or roll over for belly rubs, he ends up contorting half way until you lean down to give him your full attention.
“Oh I bet I can guess who that is, I can hear his tail slapping the ground.” Joost stated through the phone, The canine's tail hitting the ground so hard you were surprised there wasn’t a dent in the floor.
“You think he’ll recognize my voice?” Joost continued. “Max! It’s me! remember?” Max barely looked up, too enthralled with the way you scratched his sweet spot. His foot thumped like a bunny as you made cooing noises at him.
“To be honest, I don’t think he realizes you’re speaking” You watched as he flopped over in ecstasy, switching to rubbing the soft fur on his underbelly. When you pulled away, Max looked up at you with the biggest brown eyes as if to say “thank you!”.
“You should’ve seen him when I first got him, he’d flinch if I brushed up against him while walking past. It was so heartbreaking, until one day he just… stopped, I guess he realized his past life was in the past.” You walked back towards Onion, still sat in the chair, as Joost recounted his first memories with Max. You sat in the space beside the small dog, Max followed your every move. He followed you across the room and planted himself at your feet, tilting his head as you looked down at him with a smile.
When you first met Max you were enamored, he seemed to battle between two versions of himself. One side wanted to run from you, the fear of you hurting him as the wind in his sail. The other side was drawn towards you, seeing you as a fresh source of affection and ear scratches. He alternated between the two frequently, chasing you down for attention and promptly scurrying away when he felt you moved too quickly. This pattern repeated and repeated, until Joost couldn’t bear to watch anymore.
Back when Joost was still walking you through the care process, when he was still home, he was rambling on about serving sizes and grooming days when your eyes drifted to the tuft of fur peaking around the corner. When you made eye contact with Max he perked up, tail wagging viciously as Joost droned on in the background. You looked away quickly in an attempt to gain his trust. You tried to refocus your attention on Joost, nodding and watching his plush lips form daily tasks and tips, but your head snapped away when you heard the clack of claws stalking closer.
Max had inched closer, head bowed as you locked eyes with him. You wanted so badly to earn his trust, turning your body towards him as you sat at Joost’s kitchen table. But as soon as the chair squeaked under your weight Max flinched hard and scuttled away.
“You’re not listening, are you?” Joost’s dissatisfied voice cut right through your thoughts.
“What? Nooo! I heard you…” If your tone of voice didn't tip you off, he would definitely notice the hurt in your eyes as Max slinked out the room.
“So what did I say?” He tipped his head as he questioned you.
“Uhhh…” You truly tried your hardest to recall anything he’s said in the past five minutes, you ultimately failed.
“Listen if you really want to get on Max’s good side, I can just show you.” He swept his hands against his dark wash jeans, seemingly tired of explaining, and pushed himself out of his chair. Before you could defend yourself he was crossing across the room to reach into a cabinet above the counter.
“I had to put them up here because Abba figured out how to open the cabinets.” Joost pulled out a small plastic bag half full with soft bone shaped chews.
“Is bribery really gonna work?” You felt skeptical as he shoved the bag into your chest, a meaty scent hitting your nose immediately.
“This is just the bait.” His long legs take him across the room, you watch as he pulls open the kitchen door and disappears through the frame. You can hear him calling out from the other room so you scuttle towards the door with a vice grip on the treats, bumping into Joost as he stands on the other side. Your face warms rapidly as you push yourself off the plush fabric of the back of his sweatshirt, realizing he’s calling Max and not you. Joost turns to look at you with a cheeky smirk gracing his lips. You can see the snarky comment bubble into his throat, but it fizzes away when the soft tap of paws hit the hardwood.
“Oh! He's coming. Here, hand me those.” You held out the plastic bag to him, he didn’t spare you a glance as he reached out in your direction. Joost’s hand engulfed yours around the pouch, your heart felt strange as his warmth encapsulated your hand. The soft brush sent electricity through your fingertips. Your gaze traced his arm up to his turned face, blue eyes turned away from yours as he focused on the dog across the room. You silently admired the focus pulling his blond brows taught but quickly willed your brain to concentrate on the task at hand.
Max’s ears perked at the sound of crinkling plastic, instantly intrigued by the prospect of a mouth watering treat. You watched his brown eyes dance from you to Joost's outstretched hand, trusting Joost enough to take a cautious step forward but not enough to close the distance between you. Max sat again before he called to him again, his dark tail swishing timidly against the tile floor as he cocked his head to the side.
“C’monnn, I know you want it.” His voice leaped in pitch as he tantalizingly waved the treat. It always made you smile to watch him interact with his dogs, the tenderness always made sure to peek through, it was evident how much time he spent to learn each individual personality and quirks. You watched as Max’s front paws shuffled closer, fighting against staying a safe distance between you and grabbing what was rightfully his.
Joost dropped to one knee, blue eyes locking with yours as he motioned for you to follow his lead. You sank down beside him, meeting his soft smile with a timid one of your own. You convinced yourself the tenderness in his eyes was a product of Max’s proximity, once again retreating from his gaze with a turn of your head. Max had decided he had enough, willpower melting away as he lunged forward for the tantalizing treat. He snapped his teeth around the soft bone, drool flying as he swallowed it nearly whole. Joost swiftly pulled out another one as Max swallowed thickly, but before he could pounce he shoved it into your hands.
You held the small treat between you, watched as Max realized the betrayal at hand. He looked at you, looked at the treat between your fingers, then at the empty space in Joost’s still outstretched hand. The air was heavy as you watched the gears in his head turn. Eventually he made a move forward, you stayed still as if a single movement would send him running for the hills. Timidly, Max moved towards you. Tail wagging as his defenses started to melt away. He gently pulled the treat from your fingers, dribbling drool on you in the meantime. You glanced back at Joost and he threw you an overzealous thumbs up, eyes crinkled shut from the wide smile stretching his lips.
“Why don't you try giving him a quick pet?” Joost watched as Max seemed to grow tender around you. You reached a tentative hand towards Max, who was partially distracted by the mouthwatering taste on his tongue, and brushed your finger tips against the top of his silky forehead. The loud smacking stopped as he realized what exactly he was feeling. You paused with him until Joost grabbed your elbow and guided your hand to scratch behind his ear, Max paused again at this but this time he leaned into it, head angled to the side as you applied more pressure. Almost instantly he forgot he didn't trust you, one leg thumping as you hit the perfect spot behind his ear.
“See? She's not so nasty, is she?” Joost's voice rang low beside you, His eyes on Max as he bared his stomach to your massaging hands. You don't think you've ever seen his eyes so bright as they are the moment Max finally warms up to you. The way Joost looked down at you and him in pure affection had been ingrained into your memory and played repeatedly and in moments like now, you couldn't help but to wonder if Max had only trusted you because he trusted Joost.
Since then Max had trusted you with anything, as long as you kept a steady supply of pets coming his way. But you never shook the thought of Joost whenever Max would plop over to bare his warm tummy to you. He flopped out in front of you as you padded from the bedroom towards the bathroom, ear still pressed against the smooth glass of your phone. Even as you made your way to the kitchen Max was close behind, eyes on your every move as you caught up with Joost. He spoke on about the beautiful things he had seen in every city, the people he met along the way and how he’s never seen so many people happy to see just him. At first, the sound of him speaking so fondly of the experience had brought you contentment, but the more he spoke the more you replayed what he said earlier.
You might not get it
Even though you knew he didn't mean it, you couldn't help but to wonder if what he said was a subconscious confession. You drifted around the kitchen and listened to him talk about the sweet life and the spotlight, swallowing down bile whenever Joost would mention the amount of people crowding outside the doors. He rambled on as your responses grew more dry, “mhm” as he recounted how many pictures he posed for, “wow…” when he told you about how the green room was filled to the brim with snacks. You looked down at Max as Joost carried on, lost in his giant brown eyes that were focused on only you.
It felt wrong to wish that Joost would focus on you like Max would, But that didn't stop you from fantasizing about him looking up at you like Max did. When you moved Max was with you, when you spoke he held onto every word. Even now as Joost spoke to you, you felt yourself zoning out at the thought of being his first priority, above the fans and the fame. Thinking of having him to yourself, the life you could live with just him and his little fur family. Your daydreams were harshly cut short by reality. You knew this little fantasy of yours was unrealistic and unfair. To try to put yourself in front of his livelihood, the one thing he spent so long striving to build. Maybe it was best for you if you stayed in the past chapter of his life, having one part of him was better than having nothing, right? It's not as if you could ever keep up with his demanding life anyway.
A heavy sigh split your lips, anxiety from a somber epiphany emerging through you like the carbonization in a shaken soda. You closed your eyes, shielding yourself from the hopeful gaze of Max as you reeled from a thought you weren't quite prepared for.
“Umm… You okay?” Joost rang again from the other side. You stammered as you were brought back to earth, realizing you hadn't said anything in too long.
“Uh, yeah!” you couldn't sound less convincing if you tried.
“Well I was just saying, I really miss you…”
Your heart skipped a beat, usually you would've loved to hear such charming words from him, but right now you felt so full of conflicting emotions that your brain short-circuited. the attempt to both be a good friend and to protect yourself from the fiery emotions bursting from your heart. You had to be honest with yourself, even if there were… feelings brewing for him, you could never keep up with his demanding lifestyle. You would fade out, become another face in the endless sea of fans, just a warm body he would have to come back to after seeing the world.
“Hey, are you still there?” His voice sounded pensive.
“Yeah, I'm still here…" Right where you left me.
You made a shoddy excuse about having to leave, hanging up before you could let him convince you to stay. Joost promised to call you again tomorrow, swore he would make enough time in the day. Typically your heart would beat heavily against your ribcage at that, but now you wondered if it was still beating at all. You must've had whiplash with how quickly you could build yourself up and back down again, it was almost funny how as the call went on you went from so delighted to a moping mess. You felt bad for turning so sour on Joost but you felt so betrayed by the picture of him you had painted in your mind. You couldn't help but get lost in the whirlwind of your mind, both indulging in the illusion of affection and punishing yourself for doing so.
After what seemed like forever you plopped down on his couch, having done as many chores to clear your mind as you could without collapsing. Of course the patter of paws was not far behind and soon there was an assortment of warm fur covering every plush surface around you. Abba laid across your feet and let out a heavy sigh, you pushed out a heavy sigh to match him. Max was the first to bombard you with energy, tail wagging as he looked up at you expectantly. You reached down solemnly and watched as he tenderly leaned into your touch. Looking at his tufts of soft fur and soft round eyes only reminded you of how you treated Joost earlier. Your heart wrenched and guilt bubbled in your chest, yet Max only looked at you with a tilted head and an open heart, trusting you to the fullest.
You felt yourself needing to talk about what happened despite the embarrassment you felt talking to Onion, the thoughts nearly bursted out of you as you now looked at Max. You let out another heavy sigh and spoke with hesitation.
“Max, can I be honest?’ The words were only met with a deep silence.
“I just have been feeling… well, so shitty.” You leaned down towards him, as much as you could with Abba restraining you.
“It's just that, Joost has been as good as he could be, making time for me even if he's busy, yet I punish him for emotions he doesn't even know I'm feeling.” You smoothed a hand from the smooth coat around the top of his head to the stubbly tufts at the bottom of his chin.
“I mean it's strange, I have intrusive thoughts that materialize so fast, by the time I realize it's not right I've already acted and the moment already feels so far in the past. I'm just reeling all the time, like, as soon as I feel somewhat stable, like how I felt before I met you, I guess… something that should be small offsets me like a nuke.”
You felt so confused and upset you actually felt tears well up in your eyes which only led you to feel frustrated and more confused.
“I just don't understand why I have to be so self destructive. Like none of this would be happening if I wasn't acting so weird. Joost trusted me enough to stay here and watch over you and I paid him back by lashing out and being cold, but why?”
A part of you knew exactly why, most of you knew exactly why, but the fear inside you was far more stubborn than any other part.
“Max, I think I'm scared of admitting something to myself.” As if Max could tell how choked up you were feeling, he pushed himself impossibly closer into your touch, whimpering as you furrowed your brow in uneasiness.
“Dont look so nervous, it's just-” You look across the room at where Onion is laying in his little plush bed. You felt foolish for what you were about to say, but feeling foolish hasn't exactly stopped you yet.
“Well before, when I was talking to Onion, I brought up how I don't feel like a good friend.” You trailed off briefly, thinking how you felt almost jealous of all the people who get to see him, all the attention Joost movies to his fans. To be put in the forefront of his mind so frequently was something you wanted for yourself, all for yourself.
You felt differently than you should when you saw your pictures hung around his house, not to mention how you felt watching those edits…
“But I think it's not being a good friend I'm looking for…” You feel the warm fur of Abbas underbelly against your feet. Mayo yawns in the corner, head resting on the back of another dog. Max looks up at you as you reach down to scratch behind his ear, he closes his eyes and thumps one leg softly as a hopelessly sweet smile on your face as you looked down at him.
“Max, I think I fell in love with Joost.”
Cars pass by outside the warm home, street lights flood through the cracks of the blinds. The street is quiet barring a quiet drip of rain sliding through the gutters. The hushed energy mirrored your surroundings, soft breaths and huffs surrounded you. The only thing that didn't match the atmosphere was the pounding of your heart. Even just saying what you had been avoiding for so long had your chest feeling like it was bound by a burning wire. Before you could notice you felt the same heat coating your face, hot trails of tears slid down your warm cheeks and you could only laugh at how insane you felt.
“I mean- how stupid could I be? Falling in love with him is-” You pause like saying it physically hurts you, saying it out loud makes it so much more real than you were ready to make it.
“Its just so stupid of me…’ You've finally run out of words, the only thing running through your mind was a hurricane of emotions. Your body shook as you laughed through the tears, which turned to soft sobs as you sat in the deafening silence of the room.
“How could I? Have I just set a bomb in our friendship?" You're not sure if you're asking Max or yourself, though at this point it doesn't matter, you've already convinced yourself the answer is yes. You let out a deep shaky sigh.
“Joost said he missed me on the phone today, and all I did was give him the cold shoulder. I regret it so much, how is it fair that he treats me the same as always and I start acting differently in retaliation?” You rubbed your hands roughly across your face, hoping to wipe away your feeling but all you did was make your hand slick with tears.
“Maybe it will be okay.” A lie. “I can still love him, right? I just have to be careful of how strong that love goes.” You sniffled softly, by now Abba had turned to look at you, your huffs alerting him that something was wrong.
“I can do that, stay just close enough that I have him but not close enough to fall.” Max looked at you blankly, like he didn't believe it was possible.
“What other option do I have? Even if I told him how I feel, it's not like he would feel the same way…” Another empty look from Max, you were unsure how a dog could look so emotive (you pretended like you weren't imposing your own thoughts unto him).
“Joost seems like he would want someone who would be able to keep up with his lifestyle and I just… I can't, I'm not that type of person.” He couldn't love me back, It hurt too much to even say.
“Either way, he's not here so I still have time to get myself in check, I'll pretend for as long as I have to! Promise they'll be giving me an oscar for my performance, i swear! It'll say ‘best leading best friend!”
This worked well for a little while, meaning the time between your goal of becoming a top actor and the seconds before Joost's number flashing on your screen the next morning. You slid your thumb across the screen as you took a deep breath, telling yourself to remember what you said and putting on your best acting face.
He told you about his last concert in Austria, how he was getting ready to start heading towards Prague. You nodded along like he could see you as he complained about having to stay on the road so long. The bus hummed as he wished he could stay in each place, that being trapped on the bus was almost as bad as watching all the cities blur in the window. He even spoke about how Apson was getting on him for his ‘lack of promotion’, even putting on a facetious voice as he recounted their conversation.
“He said I'm not doing enough marketing, can you believe that?” Joost sounded so perturbed, you could almost see the way his hands gestured in dramatic anguish.
“Well… yes.”
“What! Oh not you too…”
“I mean honestly i've seen more content from your fans-” He cut you off with an exasperated groan.
“Jesus, you sound just like him.”
“Well maybe it's because we’re both right...” You stifled a laugh as you heard another, more dramatic groan from the other line.
Talking to him like this again made your heart fill with a warm heat, you couldn't wipe the endeared smile off your face if you tried. You stifled what you said to Max, choking down girlish giggles as you exchanged banter through the phone. You twirled a strand of hair as you responded to his questions of your day, telling him how working from home is much harder when Max keeps shoving his big head in front of your laptop. Joost laughed when you complained about Abba slobbering all over your slippers whenever you slept in for even ten minutes, how yesterday was the first day in a week you woke up with bone dry slippers.
You talked and talked about everything and nothing until Joost had to leave, lobbing promises of calling you again when he had a spare second. You waved a dismissive hand even though you knew he couldn't see, but even after the goodbyes there was a long silence on the other end, like he didn't want to hang up just yet.
“Before you go Joost, I just wanted to, well…” Words started spilling out of you before you could stop them or even think about what you were saying.
“I just wanted to apologise if I was being weird on the phone the other day. I'm not feeling like myself, that's all.”
“It's okay, I figured it was just nothing I guess…” So he had noticed.
“Yeah, it was nothing. Good luck at your concert, superstar.”
Joost Let out a soft squeaky chuckle at the nickname before the line when cold and dead. You had convinced yourself your acting was top notch until you felt the emptiness fill the room. Joost had noticed you were acting weird, he could've spent the day feeling like he did something wrong or making excuses for you when he did nothing wrong. The thought of him being distracted from your selfishness, balancing tour life and your sensitive outbursts made guilt fill your throat like bile. Nevertheless you swallowed it down, taking a deep breath and smoothing a hand over your face roughly.
The day dragged on like any other, with you pretending he wasn't consuming every corner of your mind by floating through your day to day chores.
You tried to scroll through social media as a way to distract yourself but of course Joost was every other post on your feed. Not even a simple cat video could play without an edit of Joost playing right after. After the fifth time you saw his face you loudly groaned and threw your phone across the room, watching as it bounced off of the couch and onto the floor. You pushed yourself off the plush cushions of the couch, despite having just sat down, and stumbled towards the kitchen.
The fridge hummed as you tugged it open, a soft light illuminating your features and cooling your fingertips as you poked around. Its contents were… honestly bleak, you took note of what you needed and decided to go to the store tomorrow, opting to get ahead of work while you ordered in tonight. So back to the couch you stalked, setting up your laptop and hoping the dogs wouldn't get into any trouble as you tried to get ahead in your work. Though, of course that wasn't the case.
Max immediately took your concentrated face as a cue to shove his face into your typing hands, whining and licking at your fingers as they tried to type through the chaos. You pushed him away once, twice before he even turned away from you but he decided even your shoving hands was enough affection.
“Max please, what could you possibly want from me.” Saying his name was a mistake you didn't account for, he only took it as affirmation that you would give him more attention that you couldn't spare. Though his back was turned to you his head tilted at the sound of his name, you passively scratched his head then tried to get back to your work. You focused strongly for about five minutes before he came back to beg at your feet. You tried to distract him by tossing a ball but that only excited Mayo, causing him to chase the bounding toy across the room and leave Max at your feet. You sighed, looking down at his big brown eyes and roused fur from when you haphazardly pet him, his tail wagged like even just your eyes on him raised his heart rate.
“Max, you are equally cute and distracting…” you were sure he would've barked a “thank you!” at you if he could, instead opting to wag his tail harder and place his head against your knee. Slobber soaked into your pants as you tried to ignore him once again, you only made it a couple more minutes before your mind started to wander once more. You had to be honest with yourself, less than half of your attention was on your work anyway. So, with an exasperated sigh, you stilled the hands that danced around your keyboard and flopped back into the feathery cushions of the couch. You relinquished any form of productivity, reaching for your phone with a troubled sigh, you started to judge your options. You scrolled and passed up options of fast food and places that had traumatized you with the worst cases of food poisoning and decided on your safest bet.
You took the time to look around the room you had been inhabiting for what felt like so long. For someone who spent so little time here, Joost knew exactly how to make it feel like his. You envied the scattered trinkets and plastered pictures, he made your home look like a hospital waiting room in comparison. You could hear him now, “You should never compare.” He would say, “If living in an Ikea display house makes you happy then whatever!” And he would laugh, and you would laugh with him.
Looking back, it was frustrating to think of how easy it was to fall for him, Joost was so naturally charismatic and kind. There wasn't a single moment where you felt he was inauthentic, or put up a front. It was a constant fact that you could be yourself when he was around and it must've led you to let your guard down. The bastard.
You almost hated how he had ripped your walls down without you noticing. When you had first moved you had never felt so alone and afraid, new faces at every corner you turned and new experiences to go with them. It was overwhelming and it terrified you.Yet when he swooped in it was like meeting an old friend, like someone you had known much longer than you lived. He felt so familiar and the instant sense of normalcy didn't go unappreciated on your part. It made you wonder how long ago you really fell for him. How long since this feeling has been sitting dormant inside you, swelling and intensifying slowly. Surging so timidly that it had burst before you even knew it and now you were here, failing to scoop the remnants back where they belong. You wanted so badly for things to go back to how they were, but you weren't sure it was possible.
It gave you a headache to think about, but you couldn't get yourself to think of anything else. In between the nauseating thoughts of his face you tried to get any form of work done, but every pause, any brief break you took to look away from the screen brought you back to him. You would type a few sentences, click a few links then sit back to think and be brought right back into that sickening feeling. Sucked into memories of the record store and long nights out together.
There was a point where it became too much. Even after eating and working you couldn't get yourself to think of anything else. One last heavy flop into the couch and you were resigning, you decided to start heading to bed. You trudged up the stairs with Onion and Max in your wake, you let the sweet thought of a shower pull you through the halls and into the bathroom. You set the shower to steaming hot, watching yourself fade in the mirror as the room filled with fog. The same pictures littering the glass, some even curling from the moisture sitting heavy in the air. The older pictures showed signs of damage, the ink around the corners bleeding and warping into each other. You noticed though, your picture had been covered in layers of clear tape, a handmade defence against the elements.
Stepping into the smooth porcelain tub you let the heat flow over you. Fragrant soap filled the warm air as you lathered it between your loofah. A deep sigh left your lips as you washed away the day.
Steam rolled out as you stepped out of the bathroom, the shower working wonders for your mood. Your skin glistened from your skin care and Joost's room now smelt like your lotion. You flopped on the bed with the biggest sigh and for once in your day felt content. Tugging the weighty duvet over yourself and letting the warm blanket over you you finally laid your head against the pillows and let your eyes flutter closed as you waited for the sweet peaceful embrace of sleep.
Except, it never came. You tossed and turned, tangling yourself between the sheets like an alligators death roll. You tried relaxing your body, focusing on releasing tension in each muscle from your toes to your finger tips, but the tension in your head was much more stubborn than any muscle. You even tried counting sheep, but you only got distracted after imagining so many pure white pelts. You resigned to doing the only thing you hadn't tried yet, shining a blistering light in your eyes and scrolling away until you couldn't anymore.
The night rolled endlessly on, your phone worked too well to distract you, quickly causing you to put sleep last on the list. You slid your finger against your phone, flipping through videos faster than you can watch them. Your eyes felt sore from the light, with a sigh you set your phone against your heart. You let the warmth spread through your chest as some video murmured in the background. The heat was strangely calming, a random video playing acting as white noise as you finally drifted softly. Your hand vibrated softly You hummed at the sensation before it vibrated again and you realized what was really happening. Pulling the phone back off your chest you checked your notifications.
It's Joost.
He's asking if you're awake and have time to call again, how polite! You waited before you clicked on the message, an exact and agonizing two minutes, How nonchalant…
You picked up the phone and were met with his grumbly voice, the faint hum and occasional thump of the tour bus as a backdrop. Your tired eyes fluttered shut as you spoke.
“Hey superstar, whatcha’ you up to?’ Your voice was just as grumbly as his, you wondered if he matched your faint smile.
“Nothing much, I was just thinking…” He trailed off shortly, sorting through the whirlwind of words he wanted to say.
“Ive been having such an… just unbelievable time here, I've dreamed about this for so long, y'know? But sometimes I just feel a little guilty ‘cause like…” He paused for so long you thought you had lost connection, you almost spoke into the phone but he finally spoke up.
“I just wish I could share this with the people I love, I feel selfish for wanting more but sometimes I just…”
“I don't think it's selfish at all Joost, I think It's charming that you could think of others while everyone's focused on you.” He sighed from the other side of Europe. You pictured him sprawled in his cramped tour bed, whispering as to not wake anybody in earshot.
“I know I know, but that's not what I was trying to say.” You heard Joost let out a humourless laugh, the sound of him scratching his light scruff faintly. Sleep eked out from his voice with every syllable, you felt it start to take hold of you, too. Your jaw stretched as you yawned heavily, you weren't sure how much longer you could stay awake.
“Just say what you're thinking, Joost.”
“I was just trying to say… I really wish you were here with me.”
You woke up laying on your dead phone with the sun peeking through the blinds. With a heavy groan you poured out of bed, judging by the lack of alarm and heat of your phone you must've fallen asleep mid call with Joost. You plugged in your phone and headed downstairs to pour the dogs breakfast. As you sectioned out food you thought of what you remembered from your call last night. In your sleepy state you recalled Joost's words, wishing you could be with him to experience the light of touring he was experiencing. The last thing you remember is the smile that graced your lips as he mumbled against your ear. It was hard not to think deeply into what he said. You wondered if he had said the same things to his other friends, if Joost had called them first and that's why he had been up so late after such a long day. But you relished in the possibility that he had saved those words especially for you.
You thought about his tour, what a big accomplishment in his career this truly is, and how even as he stepped further and further into it he still took the time to look back for you. You decided today, after the dogs have been tired out and taken on their walks, you would go out and get the best post tour gift you could find. As the day went on you thought about the stores you could stop into to get a gift for him. Maybe you could find a nice new pair of sunglasses for him, the ones he always looked at in the window when you would stroll by together. Maybe you could check the bookstore and see if there was something he might like, maybe The Little Prince or the collection of poems he would always glance at. Would it be too personal to get him something like that? Maybe just a card and a note would be good but that felt too… impersonal.
You let out a hearty huff, overthinking as you did your daily chores, mind wandering as you washed the dishes, sun gliding across the sky as you swept the floor. The time to go approached quickly, with you still fussing on what gift would be proportional to going on such a big trip. You decided to visit every store you had planned too, no amount of effort would be too much for Joost.
“Joost… Joost? You good bruh?” A voice broke Jost out of his stupor. He had been sitting hunched, staring at the glowing screen of his phone. He had been stuck, stunlocked into this haze since he had called you that night. Joost had been so vulnerable, so honest with himself and you, Yet you had said almost nothing back. “I miss you” He was being so honest, hoping you would look past the ambiguity and see how bad he was really yearning. But that would simply be too easy for him, you responded with “Of course Joost, i miss you too.” Saying his name in that sultry sleepy voice you had, making his head spin and his heart drop at the same damn time. The bitter cherry on top is when he tried to push further, to tell you he didn't wish for anyone else to be here with him, you had already slipped into slumber, soft snores echoing from his headphones. Joost said it anyway, spoke his feelings into the empty night so it could disappear into the sky like a shooting star. Then he fell asleep, cheeks blushed after having confessed that he couldn't have wished for anyone else. That he knew now that the amount of space you took up in his mind was far greater than any tour or music or person could compete with.
“Dude seriously, are you good? You've been like this all day man…” Joost barely looked up from his phone, sparing a swift glance before forcing out a “Yeah, im all good man” And sending whoever on their way, He didn't even catch their face.
What Joost really wanted to do was call you again, explain that what he meant was much more than he said. It bothered him that you were so far away from him, thinking he was just being friendly. He had worked himself up so much to even be able to say that much and for it to be shrugged off like that, nah he wasn't having it. Joost stuffed his phone into his pocket, slid a large hand across his face and scratching the light scruff at his chin.
See, he didn't want to come off too strong, couldn't just call you up and drop a bomb on you. “Oh yeah by the way, on the phone the other day when i said that thing what i really ment was its torture to not see your face for so long! Unless you were letting me down easy then just ignore me!” Stupid. And that little thought haunted him, maybe you knew exactly what he meant and felt too awkward to tell him that you didn't feel the same.
Even so, Joost had to know. He couldn't sit in a limbo state without being sure he had made it known how he truly felt. The only thing he truly feared was destroying the relationship he already had with you, but he had remembered what Tantu had said to him not too long ago.
“You can’t control how they feel about you, only how you respond.”
Those words had been the reason he had even thought to do this. Nevermind the fact Tantu never knew what Joost was really talking about, back when he was feeling anxious on the bus. And nevermind that fact it had taken him so long to build up the courage, even avoiding you for days to see if what he was experiencing was as long lasting as it felt. It was the worst few days of his tour. Usually when there were issues he could be sure to come to you. But you didn't, and he couldn't blame you. He could almost see you from across Europe telling yourself he was busy, that he didn't have the time to spend on you. But he did, and instead he spent it doing a stupid experiment that had stupid results that he would’ve known without the heartache.
He promised himself, sooner or later, that he would tell you how he really felt. No more hiding, no more beating around the bush, and no more pretending he couldn't stop thinking of you. And so Joost spent the rest of the day with you on his mind, in the background as he did soundchecks and run-throughs, in the forefront as he waited for fans to pour into the arena. He used you to get through the day, to build up adrenaline and to cool himself down after everything he's gone through.Thats exactly how he knew what he felt for you was really true.
A light bell rang as the storefront door closed behind you, hands disappointedly empty as you stepped out of the bookstore. Having browsed several stores and come up with nothing, your spirit had been effectively broken. The books Joost would've liked had been bought out, the clerk said there wouldn't be another shipment for a while. He must've seen the way your heart sank because he tossed a sulky “sorry” your way as you slinked out of the store. Now you were wandering around empty handed, racking your brain for alternatives to get him before the night grew too old. You only had one more idea you could try, but if it turned out like any of the many others you tried you would have to run home with your tail between your legs.
You stopped outside the record shop, taking a deep breath and smoothing a hand over your heart before you pushed through the threshold. A familiar face stood behind the counter as your nose was hit with a light papery musk and the sound of a faint record spinning. She didn't bother looking up before responding to the light ring of the bell hung above the door.
“Hello, welcome in! Just letting you know we’re gonna be closing- Oh I didnt realize it was you my love!” The older woman waved a hand at you as she threw you a sweet smile.
“Oh I'm sorry, are you closing soon? I can come back tomorrow-”
“Oh for you my love we can stay open as long as you need! Please, don't feel the need to rush, I miss seeing your face anyway!” You watched as she pulled a box of records from behind the counter, the word “returns” scrawled across the worn cardboard. She moved from behind the counter and you turned to walk through the aisles Joost would've started in before you overstayed your warm welcome.
“It feels so long since you last visited, where is that boyfriend of yours, huh?” Your polite smile dropped as the words were fully processed.
“Oh uhh ha.. We're not… He’s not my…” You could only laugh nervously at the thought that this woman thought you and Joost had been involved. How long
“Hes not? Well, are you sure?” She trailed off before mumbling under her breath “I mean, I've seen the way he looks at you, I'm not blind.” When the silence grew between you she continued to speak, her lighthearted tone returning to her voice.
“I'm sorry sweetheart, It’s just I’ve never seen you two separated before, I didn't mean to make any assumptions.”
“Oh it's ok! He's on a work trip right now, I'm actually here looking for something to give him when he gets back.” You scanned through the records with a soft smile, the thought of making Joost happy as soon as he got back playing through your head like a dream.
“Oh how sweet, what a good girlfriend you are!” You rolled your eyes and laughed softly, knowing by now you couldn't change her mind even if you tried your hardest. You decided instead to focus on your goal of number one best friend, following Joost's trail through the store that you've watched him trace so many times. The farther you went the more you grew more defeated as you tracked through the aisles. The more you looked the less you found, duplicates of records he had already had, albums he had ranted about hating to you, even the one album you two had made a joke of months ago still sat there mocking you. The cashier must've seen how your shoulders dropped further and further because she beckoned you over to where she was standing.
“Now, why have you got such a sad look on your face? Not finding what ur looking for?” you were surprised by how well she could read you, more surprised how honest you wanted to be with her.
“Yeah, it's just… I've been all over town and I haven't found anything he might like. Searched all his favorite shops and even some he had mentioned in passing and still nothing.” You started to fiddle with the trinkets by the checkout. Nonsensical stuff placed there to hike up the prices, keychains of popular records and figurines of famous singers. There was even a little stitch keychain that caught your eye, you twirled it between your fingers before the cashier spoke up again.
“Well… I have something he might like but you're not gonna find it in those boxes.” Her voice turned to a whisper. Speechless, you watched her move towards the front door, switching the neon sign off and locking the door. If this was some plan to kidnap you, It was working extremely well. She walked right past you to the back of the room, opening the employees office and sliding inside without a word. You stared at the cracked door for a long moment, was putting yourself in such a strange position really worth it?
“Of course I'll need your help to make it. C'mon, what's taking you so long?”
You heard her voice from beyond the threshold and you found yourself pushing past the doors before you could think.
Not long after, the sun had sunk deep into the sky and you found yourself back at the front of the store, thanking the clerk as she unlocked the door for you.
“Seriously, you have no idea what a big help that was, I was starting to lose hope before you swooped in! Now, how much do I owe you?” You clutched the small paper bag containing Joost's gift against your chest.
“Oh please! All I ask is that you listen to this. You and that boy, whatever you want to call him, you remind me of me and my partner when we were younger. Always dancing around each other, acting like we couldn't see what was going on. Now I look back and think how much time we wasted playing coy when we could've just been in love.”
Listening to her be so vulnerable with you made your walls crumble effortlessly, maybe it was from having spent the last hour or so confined in a room with her, or maybe it was the quiet of the night that made you want to be honest with her.
“If I can be frank, I'm just a little scared. I don't want to ruin what we already have, is it really worth it?” you let out a heavy sigh, she was pensive for a moment, looking at you with a knowing sweetness in her eyes.
“Well when I was in your position, It felt like being trapped between a rock and a hard place. The comfort of what we knew was so warm, and the fear of destroying it was so, so cold. But I had to ask myself, could I live the rest of my life knowing I never even tried? Sometimes it's best to be a little selfish and to reach out for what you want most. Plus, he and I were such good friends, would it be so easy to ruin that?” She slapped a supportive hand on your shoulder like she didn't just drop the most insightful words you've heard all year and pulled the door open in one swift motion.
The bell rang softly as you stepped out of the store, you turned back to offer a thank you or anything but nothing came out. She spoke before you did.
“Just ask yourself, are you happy where you are?”
Fur flittered at your feet when you finally got home, you trudged up the stairs and tossed the paper bag containing Joost's gift across the room. You didn't expect to be so drained only to come home with one bag, but in a way you were grateful. If you hadn't gone to the record store so late in the day you would've never gotten to have such a profound conversation, or worse, you never would've gotten Joost's gift. You chalked it up to burnt toast theory and laid the day to rest.
The morning was so young the sky was just a faint dust of blue, night still waving goodbye as the sun began to roll above the horizon. The house was quiet and still, the faint chirp of the birds outside a soft backdrop to your early morning. You brought yourself to flop onto the couch, happy to start the day but far too tired to be in motion so early. Max didn't hesitate to weasel his way close to you, climbing onto the couch and curling up against your chest like a lap dog. You scratched behind his ear and smiled as he completely melted under your touch, it was nice to have a steady, sweet morning with them.
You wondered if Joost had been in your same position. The thought of sharing this moment crossed your mind, curled up beside him on a cool morning and fighting max over who can get the most contact from Joost. A part of you wanted to feel afraid of the daydream, but for once, you didn't. You allowed yourself to relish in the feeling, leaning into the warmth and butterflies instead of swatting them away. Being vulnerable doesn't have to be so scary, you know now that sometimes it can just be.
Max jostled over your chest as you laughed aloud. ”Jesus, what an epiphany, huh?” Max only wagged his tail as he watched you drag your hand across your face and sigh heavily. This time though, there was a smile plastered across your face. No fear, no acting, and no more hiding.
Your gushy thoughts were cut off when you felt your phone vibrate against your chest, you swiped it open to see a notification from Instagram. Joost’s name was all you saw before you tapped your thumb against the stream.
Joost was laying back in his tour bus, the same early sun shining behind him as he read from the chat as it flew across the screen. His voice was low, still laced with sleep in a way that made your heart ache. Joost's words fell onto deaf ears as you watched the screen, His blue eyes framed with yesterday's dark makeup, grumbly voice already sounding jovial despite the early morning. You watched with a smile as he said good morning to everyone watching, raving about being on tour and the mixture of bliss and exhaustion. You pretended he was talking to you and only you.
With a full heart, you looked on as Apson popped on the screen. Laughing along like you were there when Joost posed into the camera, having to stifle garish giggles when Apson scolded him for his lack of album promotion. You were briefly tempted to click a little button and see if Joost would let you join the live, but the thought of all those eyes on you stops you. You were happy to watch from your warm couch in the arms of Max and the company of all the others. It was nice to see his face and how laid back and happy the tour was, you thought of all the stories he'd have to tell you when he finally got back.
Eventually the screen went black and the comments stilled, you set your phone back against your chest and sighed deeply. You could only think of how his tour had made you feel a little closer to him, even though you were so far apart. Your phone felt warm against your heart, you relished in the feeling until you felt it rumbling against your ribcage. You lifted the screen and were met with the blushing picture of Joost you had set as his picture, this time, you didn't wait to answer.
This call was different in a few ways, you were actually met with his face for once. Both of you laying back as the morning sun grew higher in the sky, you could see the faintest blush against his cheeks as the call blipped to life. But also he started the call in a new way, in a way that had your expression reacting before you could stifle it, voice still gruff from the early morning and the strain of performance and he spoke to you.
“Good morning, beautiful”
•*⛧°。 ⋆༺♱༻⋆。 °⛧ *•*⛧°。 ⋆༺♱༻⋆。 °⛧*•
•ᴥ︎• a/n2: constructive criticism always appreciated lmk if this was too much. i fear i get lost in the little details too much </3
•ᴥ︎• tglist: @ginerotica @punk-in-thetrunk @brokedollies @flowersforaurelia