#gypsy diary

[nickywhoisi]

I really hope everyone who’s following me aren’t put off by my tags...especially when I REVEAL some things.

I just feel like tumblr is finally the safest space where I can share my feelings, express everything I have welled up inside me, and hopefully get truly genuine, healthy, for real help, instead of illusion of help that leads to betrayal. If I type something that seems really intense...well, true it probably is, but at the same time, there is no cause for alarm. I just have what feels like an entire lifetime’s worth of STUFF that’s gotta come out now, after so long of never having anyone I could ever open up about these things to. I mean it’s A LOT. And worse yet, the few I did open up to eventually took advantage of me and used my strongest feelings against me so I have been taking eons just recovering from all that. But my point I’m trying to get to, is that it’s the best move to say nothing and just let it be, however my tags come across. Because all that’s really happening is I am verbally dumping out a lot of crud, that OLD toxic junk, moldy aged caked over crusty spack, real ancient unhealthy to breathe in kind of leftover traumas, so I can finally become clean inside of my weary soul. It is the best thing to be able to just say what you need to without once holding back, and not even having to think about how it’ll “look”, and that’s what I’m doing. It would...also be super to be worthwhile enough to be approached for support and even more friendships. Or to just have anybody take some time to pop in and send me an note, dm, ask, etc. It’s already been amazing so far, but I know this is only the beginning of my healing.

[nickywhoisi]

So I had a bad wakeup sortof...somebody gatekeeped me and kicked me off of property, so I still feel like I need a nap, and a few people have been giving me nosy eyes/curious/suspicious/judgemental/I'm not sure what looks which...I have just gotten beyond sick of. What's with these sheltered people I swear. But yesterday and today have actually turned out really good in other ways, and I was just about to wake up anyway, so doesn't seem as bad as before. In lots of ways, this gypsy/roamer life I have now is battering me right at the spot of my sanity that it shouldn't, which hopefully will explain to you all why I have had...very charged feelings lately, but in other ways that I've now been getting the hang of, I have been weirdly thriving? Is that even possible?

I still really wish I could just get lodging with someone, as I have not figured out how to get rid of mold/mildew from laundry (and despite how well I've protected everything from the weather, I still found a bad case of it growing right under a pillow I was using as a cushion! That is definitely NOT the thriving part), I have found some decent spots and times to sleep undisturbed, this one notwithstanding. And I have been able to get my disability check to live off of for the month without any issue! Phew! And I have some kfc meal coupons still useable for june, so that's super cool! Enjoyin a sammich...and of course, I've gotten plenty of time on the internet, which is a really great step up from when I went radio silent! Now I just need to figure out how to get important mail...I really don't want to have to go back to that one shelter place where there were smokers and crackheads and seriously unstable people where I had to fight just to get out alive and have my thing go smoothly. That was one of the things I was offline for, but...god damn was it scary. Literally couldn't breathe and there was an insano attacking another insano while I was practically nearby. I thought I was gonna get caught up in that insanity, and who knows what would have happened. There's a lot of things I have had to experience, or go through, that I really wish I didn't. It all feels wrong...but I still got out, and I am now here at what I can call a more peaceful time. PHEW

[nickywhoisi]

So guys...I finally got help yesterday. I finally got a Friday and Saturday that weren't permanently ruined, and I have a home again! At least for a few days, at a motel! This might slowly lead to a future for myself, where I finally reach my own home!

Now for the bad news...I wanted to upload more art today and I have some things prepared, but...I wanted it to be reblogged alot more, and spread around so loads of people can see it. I want to express myself to the fandoms I'm in, and be seen by them. But you all still just. Like. Which doesn't do that. It's actually too discouraging to me. So I've officially lost the drive to keep doing that. I put up the message and everything...do you just not listen? Not read? I don't understand.

So I'm sorry, but I put a lot of hard work into what I create, and I know what it's worth. If none of you will treat it properly, then I am going to have to stop uploading. I will only make drafts, and will not post my work until people on tumblr learn how to properly share art.

I won't be gone from the art world as a whole, though! If you wanna see some new pieces, I will be uploading it to another site, one that has been needing some attention for quite a while. If you can manage to make it over there, I would be super happy and grateful!

[nickywhoisi]

A little something for my birthday today. There was an unbelievable amount of terrors I got scarred by, and some of it is sadly still unresolved. But I have done what I can and still will not truly give up, no matter how much I vent and lament. I have gotten the closest thing to a chest binder I can afford and find, and I will not be spending my birthday homeless. All other days except this one. Here, pictured, is a snippet of peace in my life that I will treasure forever.

[nickywhoisi]

I am legitimately doing better now! Even despite smokers and threats of nuclear warfare going on in the world, but when hasn't there been something that severely attempts to cripple my pure moments of peace and victory?

But no, not this time! I have legit found a nice place to be! Thanks to program runners at options, I have now secured a spot to just...be allowed to live, in a room with free wifi, TV, a bed, shower and complimentary food! I don't have to be expected to spend a single penny unless I want something that the motel doesn't have! It is fucking incredible! I have my homelessness and food AND special needs all fulfilled, and I can finally recouperate here for a good while! I will have to see how long exactly, but I do hope it's long enough! Wow! And I can now take the time to sort out all of my other business AND have time for legitimate fun! THANK. GOD. FOR. THIS.

[nickywhoisi]

SO IT HAS BEEN A GODFORSAKENLY LONG TIME

WOW I KNOW and sadly there has just been too much to regale. A lot that would be very uncomfortable, but thank the whole entire cosmos that now I can say that, for the past few days, things have finally become steady and even a little good again. I got some motel stays to get out of this absurd heat AND IT HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO BE ABLE TO COOK AND HAVE A FRIDGE AND MILK AGAIN

I can watch some good TV, and I have finally gotten the energy back to come to terms with such slimebucket populus' mental ideas about homeless people, and how it really does not apply to me and no matter how much I can get accosted by it, I should try my best to not...automatically hate people. I mean, I still do, but I am working towards getting all my trust back. It will be a very long road there. But I also have enough energy to rekindle my love for my interests and catch up on my shows and videogames and art. I have been slowly creating and doing more, and it feels good.

I am really hoping a certain pet store does not get kicked out in place of a fucking shitty pot store. That just means to me all of the mall its in will be literally smoked out of all business, and it will all go to be destroyed. I don't want that, and I am so tired of these things like this. I will be sent to an early death by dementia if this world keeps changing too much around me exactly into what I don't want it to be.

I did get to visit it for a couple final days though. So now I will always have the memories of the tetra fish, the bubbling sounds of the fishtank filters, the sights of the colorful dioramas, the bird cages and the gerbils. The slightly checkered floor. It's all there in my mind now. I even got a pet, so I fulfilled a wish of mine from way back when; to get a pet of my own from there. Sadly, the bird is a little shit at the moment, but I'm slowly learning how best to take care of it, and hope that it will finally learn to appreciate my efforts for it. It was not an easy decision to make as a homeless person and was a great expense, and the bird is also still a baby so it has a lot to learn. Far too many errors and badness between us happened so far, but just last night and today seems different from these rocky beginnings.

And most importantly, I got the correct help from Options, and UCRC got me not only one but two referrals for their mental help and homeless prevention teams! I have to figure out where I'll be on Tuesday so I can make it, and I really wish I could get started on getting help from the other team, but tomorrow, I can at least call the second team to get psychiatry help. I think this will be really good for me, like this journaling has been. But it's so incredible to me! I set out to get a referral, and I got TWO when I was beginning to dread that they didn't have/do these services and I would have been so afraid that options would be just another organization who cornered me with incorrect information and I would have had no reason left to trust anyone trying to "help". My social connections I think would have been fully over, dead in the water. That would not be okay. So as impatient as I am with one team not being available while I very much am ready, I will try to get some more time here at the motel, because it still seems like the weather is absurdly hot, and I need to keep me and the bird out of that heat.

Additionally, I have FINALLY AFTER EONS OF WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME gotten back into watching One Piece. I'm on the Nanone G-8 island, the series' best filler arc. It is still super good, just like I remember 8D Jonathan is such a great guy and amazing captain. He's the only one in the whole show with a galaxy brain and he has actually good strategic thinking. The Straw Hats get a really different kind of battle here; purely of wits and creative problem solving, and I think that's why in a shounen show famed for spectacularly wild battles and pure combat, this arc sticks out so well even today. I can only hope there are more moments or characters like what we get here later on in the episodes.

My art I am still working on slowly, with limited art supplies too. But I did get some good inks, so I'm gonna upload. And I finally extracted the files I needed for the book finishing posts. Unless my mind is really going and I've already done? Might need to check. Disregard if I have.

[nickywhoisi]

I cannot believe that I just lost trust in Nintendo and madmod, over some very personal history and feelings. I am...not understanding why my personal life is still causing me so much pain, the “things are going wrong because actions are being made entirely out of my control’ kind of pain, and still leaving me so...carved out and dead inside. But with a migrane too, of course, so I can’t just shut off can I? Oh no, it’s never that easy or kind...

But for as hard as these hit, it does seem like I have a way to finally make peace with it. Can block the people who have bad takes. Can stop giving money to brands that aren’t repaying me back. Although what’s been going on with nint has been much harder, and there’s so much more there to grieve. I may make a post sometime about what I mean, if anyone is interested to know. I have been a Nintendo gamer for a really long time, so I’ve got some good stories to tell, and I’d love to finally have an audience for that.

[nickywhoisi]

On some good spurts I’ve had, I’ve been doodlin more. Still waiting on getting back the original art supplies I lost, but I have backups with me. And I’ve weirdly gotten into Garfield during these few days. Been watching comic dubs. Watched Eyepatchwolf’s earth-shatteringly amazing video on the fandom. Have seen the jaw-dropping crazy stuff LumpyTouch has done. Even dared to look at a bit of Gothfield, the very weird gothfem sexualification of the character. Wow the internet is a place

And gothfield weirdly inspired me to make my own gijinka version of him? He’s definitely still a guy though, and he is very carefully designed to mimic his canon style. It’s been fun to play around with Davis’ art style, and I think I’ve gotten pretty okay at it! Also tried my hand at drawing some gorefield, which is not a genre I usually like. Will try to upload what I’ve made when finished!