Y'all,
Let me begin by telling you a thing.
I am a person with a lot of problems. A lot. I come with baggage and insecurities galore. And yeah, I know a lot of people do. Most of us do. It's just a thing we go all through, things we carry with us until we either crack under them or learn to grow up with them.
I believe it's human. So very human.
Recently, I have discovered my health is shit. Which I knew, but now I have been diagnosed. There's sort-of a plan and a path I have to take to get better. And that guy in the photo is ready to hold my hand through it all. Go to the appointments, surgery, and whatever else I have to do to accomplish my goals for a healthier life.
And guys, up until yesterday I found it absolutely crazy that this man actually wants me in his life despite all my shit and problems. Not even despite, he loves me with all my shit and problems and doesn’t want me to face them alone.
I had no idea, up until yesterday, why though. I mean, I still don’t completely understand, but I had this like epiphany yesterday and it just felt like everything made sense.
Sounds fake and cheesy, no?
I’m not sure how to explain it, but it was like something just hit me like a freight train and I realized this amazing man is mine and I am allowed to have him and be happy. It was like everything just fell away, my past, my insecurities, and any doubts I had about myself were just gone. Like POOF!
Like the last few months with him were finally catching up to me, I dunno if that sounds right, but I don’t know how else to explain it, but yeah, it was like this big ah-ha! moment.
My brain and my heart were all like, hey you! Just accept it! You’re happy, you love him and he loves you, now forget about everything else.
I dunno, I just really feel free and weightless right now.
I mean, it’s the weirdest thing I’ve probably ever experienced. But I feel good. Really good, like the best I’ve been in forever.
And y’all, I don’t deserve this man, like for real. He went to school with me this week and he doesn’t even go to school. Like I drove 40 minutes to school attended my 2 back to back 3 hour studio classes and he sat in lounge area creeping on me through the glass, watching Netflix, and just waited for me to get out of class because he wanted to spend the day with me.
Like y’all, is he for real? Who waits for 6 hours!? Stares at me through the window? Gives me hugs and kisses on my breaks? Sits in a slightly uncomfortable couch for 6 hours on Netflix? Just to spend time with me?!
He does.
And that was yesterday, he also came with Monday (2 days before yesterday) and did it for nearly 5 hours.
It was yesterday when I had my epiphany. I was making myself some dinner and texting him while doing so and it just happened. Like it was ordinary, but extraordinary at the same time.
I’m still sorta wigged out by the whole thing, but I dunno feels sorta normal, I guess.
I just think I’ve reached a certain milestone in my life and I can finally let. shit. go.
It’s like one of those things where you’re like yeah, Jessica that was 7 years ago, I’m over it, but you’re not actually over it until you are, which you never know when that it is until you do. I dunno if I’m making sense. But that’s what happened. I had my moment and I let go of my shit and now I’m over it. I have an amazing boyfriend who means the world to me and I’m lucky enough to call him mine and nothing else matters.
I’m free.