#heademptynothoughts

[notrightbutrandom]

Twenty is a scary number, especially when the number run out somewhere around eighty. Twenty, I think, is a reason to panic. The perfect time to have a crisis. Because while sixty years is a long time, we have never been older than we are now; and by twenty, there is a sense that it didn’t take you all that long to get here, and so it won’t take you long to get there, either.

[pughollowsanctuary]

No Thoughts Thursday with Bunny Buttercup.

A cream-colored Chihuahua being silly and demanding scritches.

[pughollowsanctuary]

Zephyr got a new Bumi toy.

A weimaraner mix dancing with an S shaped green toy.

[ificouldtakeusback]

for the ask game: 🎤🌺

damn rlly came for my head with this one

i’ll start with 🌺 (favorite small detail); as of right now, it’s the posters above the boys’ heads at the orpheum in 1995. not only the unfinished business one, but also luke’s missing poster— it’s a small detail that i didn’t notice until my second or third time watching, but its connection to the police lights in unsaid emily (my fav song, i’m a sad bitch) makes the scene so much more intense.

which means it’s time for 🎤 (in what way are you similar to your fav character); oh boy. let’s start with the obvious ✨p a r e n t a l i s s u e s✨, then move on to the lack of an attention span, hop on over to the ‘pure of heart dumb of ass,’ take a left turn at ‘stubbornness and shitty coping mechanisms,’ a right at ‘i’m trying my best ok pls validate me’ and then we’ll work our way up to the crown jewel of reckless and impulsive behavior.

[notrightbutrandom]

I want to be a jellyfish. Just like, sploosh sploosh. You can’t hurt me, I have no brain.

[notrightbutrandom]

Isn’t it about learning to carry the weight of an imperfect life?

[notrightbutrandom]

Hey.

I am sorry. To speak of me, myself, the failure, and the child not quite grown up - it is a danger, a passing fancy, and for that, I am sorry. There is not much to say. We have stood here, and we have tried. We have tried. Please forgive me for how shallow it all sounds.

Hey.

Do you remember - just by chance - the blessings they bestowed upon you?

No. Should I? And I should, then why? A blessing is a blessing, it is a tool; and all I have done it stare at it, not use it.

They why bless you?

I don’t know.

Why look at you?

I don’t know.

You said, “I don’t lie,” and they believed you. Do you remember how, when the leaves were gold, there were paper planes left by your door? Or, maybe, recall the feel of tulle and satin, and think of the dress you never wore. Remember how, in the old days, when your mind was not a storm, and you liked to dance in the living room, because they were there with you?

They are gone. I told them to leave.

I know. They know. Don’t tell me you can’t see.

I told them, and they heard, and they know better than look back. I am little and I am painful, if only just to look at.

Do you remember - that one time - when they looked at you and smiled? When they called, their words a worry, and thought you might save them from the dark? You’re not the mother-hen for nothing, and maybe you never were a child; but once a day, when stars come calling, maybe think of them at dawn. Think of their smile, their gentle face - think of what you did to them.

I turned away.

And right before?

I told them to get out, and closed the door.

Do you remember when the hinges shook from force, and fear, and hate? Do you remember how you screamed when no one told you, “You’re home late?”

This is a good thing, what I’m doing. I close the door so they may leave. That way, they don’t have to open it, and I don’t have to watch it swing.

You need the people.

That’s not true.

You need the people.

I don’t need you.

You don’t. I know. But maybe they, maybe those people, maybe at the end of the day, they do.

Why would they want me? Why would they want you?

Not all who lie are liars, and not all who speak shape words. You know the answer to your question, just like you know that it will hurt. Just think - you promised, once upon so long ago, that at the end of this whole story, you will be there to make a home. You said you’d take them down the coast, where the wind and ocean roam; you told them stories of a place where without you, they’d never go. 

Remember how, when days get different, they call and ask, “Are you alone?” And you say yes, because you cannot see the world unless you’re looking through a storm.

Think of how it felt, to fly above, to think of galaxies below. Remember how you saw the streets and told them, it’s not all romance in a home. Remember how you closed your eyes in search of miracles in flight; and just remember, at the last second, to not go gentle into that good night.

Don’t remind me.

You know it’s true.

I don’t want to hear it.

I think you do.

And to what end? I made them go. I shut my phone and closed the door. I said, “Please leave. I need some space.” And they never asked about a time or place.

They left the tree because it asked to topple. Can you blame them?

Not at all.

But being gone is not forgotten. Not all things fallen are made of stars. The tree will fall, the world will shudder - but you are not a flaming stone. There will be no crater with which you might destroy a home. 

Who says I won’t?

Your record, really.

I don’t have one.

Yes, you do. You build the things you’ve always wanted and then you hold them out to fall. Just hold them tight and they won’t splinter - you build things sturdy, after all.

It’s not pretty.

It never was.

What if it breaks?

Then that’s what it does.

And if they leave?

Then you will let them. You know your limits and your truths. One day they’ll stand there, and you’ll see them, just as they have been seeing you. They see a treasure in the making, a soul too bright to leave alone - and you don’t believe in what they’re saying, but for them, it’s still the truth.

Don’t use my words.

I am your words.

Don’t spin them back.

There’s not much choice. This is the voice you use for others when they try to become noise.

[notrightbutrandom]

Fear is relative. So the question is not what am I afraid of but why am I afraid? What do I stand to lose? What do I stand to gain?