My Experience with Health and Weight
This post is going to be about my own experience with being healthy and fit. I don't want to call it my "fitness journey" because I am far from being one of those super toned fitness gurus you see on Youtube and Instagram. Most of the time, I still struggle myself to stick to my healthy philosophy and workout, but hey, we can all struggle together! Anyway, let's start this long post....
Childhood and High School
I grew up very active, and my parents were very supportive of a fit lifestyle. I played tennis competitively, so exercise never came in the form of "working out" for me. Even during group lessons or team practices when we would have to do conditioning exercises like burpees or planks, it just felt like a part of tennis. I never really thought of it as working out. So back then, my active lifestyle in combination with my relatively fast metabolism meant I could eat whatever I wanted and still remain at the lower end of the healthy BMI range. Looking back, I was honestly pretty skinny, but at the same time I wasn't weak either. I was strong because I had to be to play tennis.
Senior year of high school, I slowly stopped playing tennis after I got into Princeton. Truthfully, I was a little tired of the sport after 10 years of it. I had gained a little weight junior year and senior year, but even though I considered myself "fatter" back then and was more conscious of what I ate, I was still really skinny. Since senior prom was approaching, I started a six-month diet/weight-loss plan that basically consisted of:
a small bowl of oatmeal in the morning mid-morning snack of almonds/pita chips lunch - chicken breast salad w/ tomatoes/cucumbers/avocados/balsamic vinagrette afternoon snack - hardboiled egg/sweet potato/greek yogurt dinner - Chinese food that my mom cooked (no rice) fruit after dinner I stuck to it pretty well, especially since in high school, if I didn't bring junk food, I'd have nothing to eat but healthy food. I would get hungry pretty fast after meals, but I would just endure the hunger. I would plan in one or two cheat meals at the end of the week, such as a trip to starbucks for fraps etc. For some reason, I was really, really good at maintaining this diet. Even when I had cravings, I held them off until I had a cheat meal. I would try to exercise about 3-5 times a week by running outside or working out in my basement.
This diet worked of course and I ended up losing 5 pounds.
Freshman 15
So the summer before college, I went to China and ate whatever I wanted, gained a little weight, but I didn't mind too much. Then I got to Princeton. Food. was. everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I never had so much delicious junk food within arm's reach before. At home, we would have a few treats, but it was nothing like this. While I was determined to not gain the Freshman 15, I couldn't help but still "allow" myself a treat once in a while. Except the once in a while became everyday. Also, I never had so much Western food before, so I always wanted to try everything in the dining halls because it looked good to me. All the study breaks, the extracurricular club dinners on Nassau, and late meal (omigosh latemeal.) made me gain 8 pounds by November.
I did still exercise by going on runs twice a week, and I was part of a dance group which had occasional rehearsals. I made an effort to at least eat healthy lunches. But it wasn't enough. Winter break didn't help because I went on a cruise with my family and holiday season in general is just plain gluttonous.
It was probably a combination of Winter depression, more stress than I've ever felt before, sleep deprivation, and midterms/finals that caused the weight gain over the long winter season. I started binge eating, and although I didn't purge, I would feel so guilty and hate myself for it. Not to mention, my skin was breaking out from the stress and it was the worst it had ever been in my life.
Spring Break came along, I was already ten pounds fatter than I had been at the beginning of the year. I went on a trip to California with friends, and had one of the best, most relaxing vacations of my life. It was also the most fattening. Despite working out during the trip, I had gained five pounds in one week. Although I didn't regret any of the delicious food I had, my weight gain had reached a ridiculous point. My BMI was actually approaching the overweight territory. My clothes stopped fitting. All I could think was, How did I get to this point?
So then I went to hardcore diet mode. But even though I lost my spring break weight, I was still so unhealthy. It was a terrible time for me, physically and mentally. I was overloaded with five classes plus writing sem, which meant all-nighters and late night binging. It also didn't help that I studied with friends. I would always not actually start work until it was midnight, and then we would make trips to Studio 34 or the Wa for late night pizza. I would sleep around 4 am and then sleep through class. It was so terrible for my health. My grades also plummeted.
I was so frustrated because I was counting calories and still not losing weight. Why? Because I was too focused on the number, rather than my holistic health. In order to stay under my calorie quota, if I wanted to eat a cookie or enjoy the good food during college night at Whitman, I would skip meals and starve myself. That probably ruined my metabolism, but I was deluded into thinking that it was working. I also was under the impression that because losing weight is 75% diet and 25% exercise, there was no reason for me to exercise. As long as I consumed a certain amount of calories it would be fine. Losing weight became about reaching that number on the scale or having a flat enough stomach to wear a crop top to the Street. I had a toxic relationship with food that put me through a cycle of perpetual guilt and self-hatred.
Summer: Reset
When summer came, I went to China for Princeton in Beijing. And of course, I was not about to restrict myself there. I ate whatever I wanted, and enjoyed every single bite. But even though I released myself from the iron grasp of "weight loss", I still ended up losing weight anyway.
Why? Because I changed my attitude about weight loss. At PiB, I met a friend, who became a positive energy in my life. She inspired me to workout as well as be happy and self-confident. Despite getting less sleep at PiB then I did at Princeton, and having way less free time during the weekdays, I was still happy. My daily trips to the gym became fun and stress-relief. While working out at the gym, I also realized how much I missed being strong and being able to do push-ups. I had gotten so weak over the last year because I never exercised. Exercise made me feel healthy, even if I wasn't exactly eating salads every day. While I was in China, I also realized that I was eating good food. Real food. Actual vegetables and meat that weren't drenched in butter and cream. My tastebuds actually recoiled from the idea of eating processed chips and artificially flavored, packaged junk in the supermarkets. Additionally, I stopped trying to binge eat food as if I would never get to eat it ever again. I ate until I was full, and stopped. I also didn't feel the need to constantly be snacking or putting food in my mouth. I had three meals a day and that was all I needed.
After I came back from China, I still was 5 to 7 pounds heavier than my pre-College self, but I was happy to have lost some weight. I had planned on losing more when I was home because I could make healthier choices, but then I got my wisdom teeth removed, and that kind of took care of itself. After a week of a liquid/soft-food diet, I lost all the weight I gained during college and returned to my pre-college self. I realized that I had missed being skinny, but now after my experiences with weight gain, unhealthy weight loss, and healthy weight loss, I'm ready to tackle my second year at Princeton!