#heart of ether transcripts

[heartofether]

Episode 15 - Elderberries TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

[LOWER-PITCHED AND SLOWER THAN NORMAL] Please state your message.

[THEME SONG PLAYS.]

VAL

Three-eyed Frog Presents: The Heart of Ether.

[THEME SONG FADES TO A STOP.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. THE POPPY GARDEN MOTEL, AGENT MAY AND JUNES’ ROOM, EARLY MORNING.]

AGENT JUNE

Oh, is it on? I dunno how this recording device works. Would have been, like, ten times easier to just record on our phones, but, eh.

Anyways, it’s just me right now, which means I get to do all the talking. Guess I should, I dunno, talk about the mission? Daughtler?

Oh! I know. There’s this candy store downtown that displays massive gummy bears in the window, only it’s so hot outside that the bears have started melting. It’s some mix of disturbing, but also hilarious? Seriously, those bears look so sad, I can’t help but laugh.

Let’s see. Say, what’s that stupid thing he always says? [DRAMATICALLY MOCKING AGENT MAY] This is Operation Saturn, phase 1.2. Conducted by Agents May and June. All recordings are property of the—

[AS AGENT JUNE TALKS, THE DOOR IS HEARD OPENING AND CLOSING. THERE ARE FOOTSTEPS AS AGENT MAY WALKS IN.]

AGENT MAY

Here’s your coffee.

AGENT JUNE

Much obliged! Oh, you got it with oat milk, right?

AGENT MAY

[SLIGHTLY BITTER] It cost extra, but yes.

AGENT JUNE

Aw, hell yeah.

[AGENT JUNE TAKES HIS DRINK.]

AGENT MAY

I’ve never understood the excitement behind alternative milks.

AGENT JUNE

Hey, I’m lactose intolerant. Not that that would stop me from consuming dairy in most scenarios, but oat milk hits, alright? You should give it a shot.

AGENT MAY

I don’t put milk in my coffee, just sugar.

AGENT JUNE

Mm. Gross.

AGENT MAY

[HE HUFFS A SIGH.] Well, I’ll stop judging your coffee order if you stop judging mine.

AGENT JUNE

I’ll agree to that, sure.

[HE TAKES A SIP, THEN] See anything of note in the coffeeshop?

AGENT MAY

[UNCOMFORTABLY] Maybe. There was this girl sitting at a table. She was wearing all-black, which is strange considering the weather.

AGENT JUNE

Uh, ever heard of fashion? Dude, you literally wear a suit every day! No wonder you overheat. I mean, why do you think I skip the blazer?

AGENT MAY

[IRRITATED] At least I wear my tie correctly.

AGENT JUNE

I leave it undone on purpose, alright? It’s a statement.

AGENT MAY

Do you know how to tie a tie?

AGENT JUNE

[DEFENSIVE] Yes!

[AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

So, there was this girl in the coffeeshop.

AGENT MAY

She seemed fairly young. Must have been in either high school or college. She was staring at me over her laptop the whole time. Like she was, I don’t know, stalking prey. It was like her eyes were knives, and she was trying to carve my flesh off.

AGENT JUNE

So, she defo wasn’t just idly looking or whatever. Like, you’re pretty sure she was thinking about killing you?

AGENT MAY

Well, there’s no way I can know for certain, now, is there?

[A BEAT.] She was wearing a black fabric surgical mask, though.

[A TENSE PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

Do you think she was—?

AGENT MAY

I can’t say for sure.

AGENT JUNE

I mean, it might have been an accessory, but we’re in Daughtler, Washington—

AGENT MAY

I’m not going back there to check. Okay? If we see her again, maybe we can consider interviewing her, but I don’t feel comfortable going back to see her.

AGENT JUNE

[UNDERSTANDING] Alright.

[AGENT MAY SIGHS.]

AGENT JUNE

[CONT.] Alright. I won’t force you.

AGENT MAY

I—I appreciate that.

[THERE'S A PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

Uh, how’d you sleep?

AGENT MAY

About as well as I could in a car seat.

AGENT JUNE

Okay, I can’t just keep letting you sleep in the car. It was kind of funny at first, but now I just— [HIS SENTENCE TRAILS OFF IN VAGUE STUTTERS.]

AGENT MAY

[BEAT.] Well?

AGENT JUNE

I feel bad! Alright? I mean, look at me, I have this whole room to myself, and meanwhile, my partner is sleeping in a company vehicle that may or may not have bloodstains in the backseat.

[BEAT, THEN] Actually, I’d love to talk about those weird dark stains later, because uh, what, but I’ll let it slide for now. It’s still gotta be super uncomfortable, though.

AGENT MAY

We could always take turns.

AGENT JUNE

No, what I’m saying is I don’t think either of us have to sleep in the car! There has got to be a better solution.

AGENT MAY

The Foundation already declined giving us a second room, or trying to transfer us to a larger one. Trust me, I tried.

AGENT JUNE

Dammit.

[A LONG PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

It's king-sized, you know.

[ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.]

AGENT MAY

Do you think the motel has spare blankets? I think I could try sleeping on the floor.

[THOUGH UNSEEN, AGENT JUNE LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA LIKE HE’S IN THE OFFICE.]

AGENT MAY

…I’ll go down and ask later.

AGENT JUNE

Good idea.

[A BEAT. THERE'S SUIT RUSTLING AS AGENT MAY CHECKS HIS WATCH.]

AGENT MAY

We should head out soon.

AGENT JUNE

You’re really glued to that watch of yours, huh?

AGENT MAY

Excuse me?

AGENT JUNE

Not that it’s bad, you just check it a lot. I don’t really know what watch etiquette is, but I think you look at it more than most people do. I’ve also noticed you tend to look at it more around specific times? Is there a reason, or—?

AGENT MAY

[MORE SERIOUS THAN THE CONVERSATION WARRANTS] It’s none of your business. Perhaps I simply prefer to keep on schedule. Let’s go.

AGENT JUNE

[SLIGHTLY CONFUSED] Oh, um, okay. Sorry. [UNDER HIS BREATH] Jeez. Let me just—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[ANOTHER BEEP.]

[INT. THE OPEN EYES BOOKSTORE BACKROOM, EARLY, EARLY MORNING.]

HOLLY

Are you recording?

PHOEBE

Yes, yes, I am.

HOLLY

Kind of weird to be doing this so early in the morning.

PHOEBE

I’m sorry, I know it’s super early. Night just felt…well, it felt more dangerous, I guess? Even Grandma Doe recommended not doing it too late. I wanted to get it done before the shop opened, though.

HOLLY

Oh no, I don’t mind. I guess people usually just consider night to be “the witching hour.”

PHOEBE

This isn’t really witchcraft, though, is it?

HOLLY

Guess not. Most modern witchcraft is a lot more…chill, I guess?

PHOEBE

Right. [A BEAT.] Do you think it’s really a good idea to be doing this in the back room?

HOLLY

Well, it’s not like we have anywhere else. It’d be super shady if we did it right outside, and your forestry friend would be pissed if we went out into the woods to do it.

PHOEBE

[NERVOUS] There’s so much paper, though. I mean, we could easily set the whole thing alight. My apartment’s really small, I know, but maybe we could—?

HOLLY

Don’t worry about it. We did a pretty good job clearing stuff out to make space, I think. It should be fine, I mean, a lot of the most flammable stuff either got moved out or shoved against the wall.

Besides, didn’t she say that it might be good to do it here for like, symbolic purposes?

PHOEBE

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right. [SHE CHUCKLES.] Maybe this will finally give me incentive to organize everything.

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS, SOMEWHAT NERVOUSLY.] If this works, then hopefully you’ll be able to do that anyways.

PHOEBE

That’s true, yes. I, um, guess we should get started. Can you read the directions?

HOLLY

Of course.

[HOLLY IS HEARD UNFOLDING A PIECE OF PAPER.]

HOLLY

[READING] The purpose of all of this is energy. You are lighting fire to produce energy. You are grinding berries and eating them to produce it as well. Ether functions under this key desire for vitality. If you can understand this simple principle, this keen need it has, it will treat you much more kindly.

By designing this ritual for you, my hope is that it will spell out as clear as day to Ether what you are trying to achieve. It rarely gives people what they want, rather it gives what it sees fit for them. You must steer it in the correct direction, or else it will choose a different fate for you.

These instructions are similar to what Valencia and I did, as well as symbolic for what you hope to achieve. However, nobody has ever developed an exact science for how these rituals function. We may only rely on guesswork and hope. While I would like to develop more specific procedures and instructions, I do not know if I ever will. Perhaps that could be your task.

[BREAKING READING] Could I skip her whole monologue? We already read it, and I don’t think it’s important in-the-moment.

PHOEBE

Sure.

HOLLY

Cool.

[SHE FLIPS THE PAPER.]

HOLLY

Materials needed: Yarn or string to create a casting circle. Some people use salt, but it produces an awful mess. Several circles of yarn around you and your workspace will work just fine.

PHOEBE

We did that already.

HOLLY

Yup. [READING AGAIN] Three white candles with words carved into them. It does not matter what the words are, they simply have to be legible and completely cover the candle. No numbers. I just wrote out song lyrics on that one.

PHOEBE

Oh, that’s neat! I, um, did poems I like.

HOLLY

Cute. [A BEAT.] A lighter or match of some kind. Someplace to safely burn paper—we got a metal bin, so we’re good. Did you turn off the smoke alarm?

PHOEBE

I did, yeah.

HOLLY

Let’s hope the place doesn’t burn down, then. [CHUCKLE, THEN] I’m joking, I promise. It should be fine. [SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]

A book—you will be tearing out each individual page, so to save time, I suggest a children’s book. A bowl or container of some kind. Elderberries, I recommend you cook them beforehand, but make sure none of them are pre-mashed. Something to mash the elderberries with. Finally, a few drops of your blood, or something to draw blood with. That’s what the sewing needle is for, right? You sure you don’t want a blade? I have a pocket knife.

PHOEBE

[UNCOMFORTABLE] I get nervous around knives, but thank you for the offer.

Oh—actually, I wanted to ask, um, where did you find elderberries? I couldn’t find them anywhere.

HOLLY

I asked the bartender down the street.

PHOEBE

Huh.

HOLLY

Yeah, they make all sorts of weird cocktails. Are you ready? Once we start, we can’t stop until it’s complete.

PHOEBE

[WITH WEIGHT, NERVOUS, BUT DETERMINED] I’m ready.

HOLLY

Okay.

[HOLLY FLIPS THE PAPER AGAIN. THERE’S A PAUSE.]

HOLLY

Phoebe?

PHOEBE

Yeah?

HOLLY

Whatever happens, I—we’ll be okay, alright? No matter what. I’ll make sure of it, I swear.

PHOEBE

[TENDERLY] Thank you.

[THERE’S A PAUSE AS THEY ARE HEARD KISSING. HOLLY TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]

HOLLY

Create a circle around— Okay, we already did that. Um, Start by lighting the candles.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD LIGHTING A MATCH AND LIGHTING ALL THREE CANDLES.]

HOLLY

Tear each individual piece of paper out of the book. One by one, burn each piece of paper using fire from the candles. Once you have burned each page, burn the cover. Do not attempt to put any of the fires out. This tedious process shows care and dedication. The blood in later steps is there for a similar purpose.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD TEARING PAGES OUT OF A CHILDREN’S BOOK AND LIGHTING THEM ON FIRE. THERE’S A LONG PAUSE AS SHE DOES SO.]

PHOEBE

Good thing this book only has twenty pages. [A BEAT.] What’s next?

[PHOEBE IS STILL TEARING PAPER IN THE BACKGROUND, AND THE BURNING SFX GOES ON FOR SOME TIME.]

HOLLY

Uh—place your elderberries in the bowl and begin mashing them in a clockwise motion. As you do this, speak out loud and ask Ether to grant you knowledge and the ability to see what others do not. There should be no misunderstanding in what you are trying to achieve, and if you have garnered Ether’s attention, it should have already decided what it shall do with you. [MUTTERS] Fuckin’ weird.

[PHOEBE CEASES HER PAGE-TEARING.]

PHOEBE

The book is done. Pass me the spice grinder with the berries?

[HOLLY PASSES PHOEBE THE SPICE GRINDER.]

PHOEBE

Thank you.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD GRINDING THE ELDERBERRIES.]

PHOEBE

[WHISPERING TO HERSELF] Ether, um, whoever or whatever you are, if you are listening to me, please grant me knowledge. Grant me the power to see what others do not. Let me see and know everything.

[THERE IS A RINGING HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND AS HOLLY SPEAKS.]

HOLLY

If this works, the words on the candle should begin to—holy—God!

[HOLLY STUMBLES BACK.]

PHOEBE

Glow?

HOLLY

[FREAKING OUT] Yup? Uh—they’re actually glowing, what the—

PHOEBE

[OVERLAPPING] What’s next?

HOLLY

Sorry, sorry. [SHE RUFFLES THE PAPER IN HER HAND.] Mix a few drops of your blood into the elderberries.

PHOEBE

Pass me the sewing needle.

[HOLLY PASSES PHOEBE THE NEEDLE. SHE PRICKS HER FINGER.]

PHOEBE

[UNDER HER BREATH] Ow.

[SHE LETS A FEW DROPS COME OUT, SUCKS ON HER FINGER BRIEFLY, THEN MIXES HER BLOOD IN.]

HOLLY

Drink the elderberry mash. You must consume every bit of it, or at least as much as you can.

PHOEBE

[GROWING IN A MIX OF PANIC AND EXCITEMENT] This is it—I mean—wait, I’m about to consume my blood, that’s weird, but—this is really it.

HOLLY

[ENCOURAGING] You can do it.

[PHOEBE IS HEARD DRINKING THE ELDERBERRY MASH. THERE IS A PAUSE.]

HOLLY

If successful, the candles will—

[THE CANDLES ARE HEARD EXTINGUISHING.]

HOLLY

…blow out.

PHOEBE

[SLIGHTLY SICK] I think I got it all.

HOLLY

How do you feel? Is—has anything changed?

PHOEBE

I feel…I feel like there’s a part of me that was never there before. Like, my internal self expands farther out than my physical self, like I’m floating, it’s—I need to go lie down.

HOLLY

I’ll take you upstairs. It worked, though?

PHOEBE

I think it did. I mean, Grandma Doe said I would feel some sort of immediate change, but the rest of it would trickle in slowly. I feel different, though.

HOLLY

[SLOWLY, CAUTIOUS] Does this mean you’re not human anymore?

PHOEBE

[A BEAT.] I haven’t thought about that. I mean, I think I might just kind of be human plus? I’m not sure. Grandma Doe was still mortal, after all—she felt pain, she got ill—her mind was just super advanced. Does that make me inhuman?

HOLLY

I…I don’t think so. I think you just have mind powers or whatever.

PHOEBE

I’ll think about it later. I’m just going to try to get some sleep before the shop opens.

HOLLY

You don’t even have to open today, you know. People will understand if you just say you’re ill. Or I could run it for today, since there’s usually less traction on weekdays.

PHOEBE

[SINCERE] Thank you.

HOLLY

Of course.

PHOEBE

[SHE SIGHS.] Okay, time to—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[ANOTHER PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. IRENE’S HOUSE, MIDDAY.]

IRENE

I just got home from work. Apparently, Phoebe did that ritual early this morning. It went well, from what Holly told me, though Phoebe’s been taking the day off to rest.

Oh, and they also posted that advert on the bulletin board yesterday. You know, for someone to develop Valencia’s film.

That’s not important right now. You know what is important?

This morning, at work, I opened up a folder on my computer and guess what was in it? A new audio recording where there shouldn’t be one. Guess the technological gods have decided to be generous today.

I decided to wait until I got off to listen to it. It’s dated shortly after the incident, so I think it might be important.

Besides, work has been…well, different, since the Spread. I haven’t told Carol or Aden that’s what it’s called, though. The whole incident brought us closer together, but I think that’s a double-edged sword. They know me well enough, now, I think they can tell I’m hiding something. Aden definitely knows I am—I mean, what I told him was pretty cryptic, but Carol I think just…knows. She’s just like that. [SCOFF] Maybe that’s part of her motherly instincts.

Right, that’s beside the point. Back to the recording.

Here goes nothing.

[IRENE CLICKS ON THE FILE.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. DRIVING, LATE AT NIGHT.]

[THERE IS THE AMBIANCE OF DRIVING DOWN A DESOLATE FOREST ROAD AS THEY TALK.]

UNKNOWN GIRL

Does it work?

ROSE

I believe so.

UNKNOWN GIRL

[SHE SNORTS.] About as well as a cheap cell phone from Walmart could, I imagine?

ROSE

It just has to be able to record and make emergency calls. I’m not too worried about it. Thank you, again. Really, I owe you.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Hey, I didn’t buy it. I just walked into the store and handed your money to the guy behind the counter. It’s not a big deal.

[DULLY SKEPTICAL] You’re trying pretty hard to cover up your tracks, you know. Destroying your phone, not wanting to be seen in public to go get a new one, only paying in cash. Almost makes it sound like you’re a criminal or something.

ROSE

[FRANTIC] I’m not! I swear, I’m not.

UNKNOWN GIRL

No need to get defensive. Look, I get it. We all have reasons to want to disappear. I’m surely in no position to judge.

You know, I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I feel like we might actually have a lot in common.

ROSE

Why is that?

UNKNOWN GIRL

We both don’t know where we’re going, or why.

ROSE

[UNDER HER BREATH] Oh, I know why.

UNKNOWN GIRL

So you do have a reason?

ROSE

It’s not a big deal.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Your secret’s safe with me, you know.

ROSE

It’s nothing. Really. Just…do you have to know or—?

UNKNOWN GIRL

Well, do I have any reason to?

ROSE

No, but do you even have a reason to be helping me?

UNKNOWN GIRL

[DEADPAN] What can I say? I’m a generous soul.

[A BEAT.] Say, why did you want something to record with, anyways?

ROSE

I, um—it’s stupid.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Try me.

ROSE

It’s—well. I guess I don’t want to be forgotten? I want some way for people to find out what happened to me when…if…you know. There’s…if something does happen to me, there’s at least one person who deserves to know.

UNKNOWN GIRL

You think you’re going to get yourself killed?

ROSE

I don’t know. I suppose it’s better to be safe than sorry?

UNKNOWN GIRL

But you have someone you know will want to listen. [CONNECTING THE DOTS] You weren’t a loner before you left, were you? You left someone important behind, and now you feel bad. You owe them an explanation.

ROSE

[UNCOMFORTABLY] Yes. Right. I guess.

[A BEAT.] I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Who did you abandon?

ROSE

[RAISING HER VOICE SLIGHTLY] I said I’m done.

UNKNOWN GIRL

Alright, alright.

[A BEAT.] If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you prod at me a bit.

ROSE

[HESITANT] Where did you get your name? Wednesday is such a unique name, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it outside of stories.

WEDNESDAY [UNKNOWN GIRL]

It’s certainly no ‘Mary,’ is it?

ROSE

I mean, obviously. My name’s pretty basic.

WEDNESDAY

I actually chose it after I left home. Not like that, just never liked the name my parents gave me. Kept the last name ‘White,’ though. It has a ring to it.

ROSE

Was there a reason for it, or did it just sound nice?

WEDNESDAY

When people meet someone with a weird name, that tends to be the thing that most grabs their attention. “I met a girl named after a day of the week today, isn’t that bizarre?” I didn’t want to be remembered for anything I didn’t want people to see. If one thing was going to stick with them, it would be my name, but not quite the face that goes with it. Just the girl with an odd name.

ROSE

So you want to be forgotten?

WEDNESDAY

Not forgotten, but I want control over the memory of me. I want to fade away into obscurity, but not obscure enough that it’s suspicious.

ROSE

[KIND OF UNCOMFORTABLE] You’ve thought about this a lot.

WEDNESDAY

When you’re like me, you have to.

ROSE

Wh—what does that—

WEDNESDAY

[OVERLAPPING] Do you need me to stop at the gas station up ahead?

[THERE’S A SLIGHTLY TOO LONG PAUSE.]

ROSE

Um, yeah, I have to—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[INT. IRENE’S HOUSE, EARLY EVENING, THE SAME DAY.]

[THERE’S A LONG PAUSE.]

IRENE

[STILL PROCESSING IT AS SHE SPEAKS.] Okay. Okay! This is definitely a start. A great start, actually!

Okay, let’s see, uh—after you ran away, you destroyed your phone—no wonder the police couldn’t track it—and then you went with some person named Wednesday.

That’s definitely a start. If I can figure out where Wednesday—White, was it?—yeah, Wednesday White. I know Wednesday probably isn’t her legal name, but I might still be able to find her somewhere. If I can find Wednesday White, I might have a good shot at finding you. That’s great news!

[A SLIGHTLY TOO LONG PAUSE.]

IRENE

[HER ENTHUSIASM DYING] I don’t trust Wednesday, though.

[A BEAT.] Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be so skeptical. I mean, you’re not an idiot, Rose. You wouldn’t hitch hike with just any random stranger. Would you? Doesn’t even seem like you gave her your real name, she called you ‘Mary.’

[SHE HUFFS A SIGH.] Maybe I’m just being defensive. Still, she seemed off, didn’t she? That whole thing she said about her name just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. She prodded a lot, too. Almost as if she wanted to make you uncomfortable.

I could be reading into it too much. I guess I won’t know until I find her. Hopefully, she didn’t fade into obscurity too much. There’s gotta be some record of her existence online. If I’m lucky, she might be on social media or something. Who knows? Lots of time has passed.

[A PAUSE, THEN, SOFTLY] That person, you—were you recording for me? You wanted me to know you hadn’t abandoned me on purpose. [HURT] And here I was, thinking you would just leave without reason. That you had betrayed me in some way. I’m—Rose, I’m so sorry—

[JUST AS SHE SAYS “SORRY,” HER PHONE BEGINS VIBRATING. SHE PICKS IT UP.]

IRENE

[SKEPTICAL] There’s an unknown number calling me.

[SHE ANSWERS.]

IRENE

Hello?

CALLER

Hello? Is this the person who posted an ad outside of Open Eyes Bookstore?

IRENE

Oh! Um, yeah, that’s me. Wow, I didn’t expect to hear from someone so fast.

CALLER

I’m an observant person. I like to make my rounds throughout the town. You’ll never know what you’ll find, after all. Or who.

Anyways, you have some film that needs to be developed, right? Well, it just so happens to be your lucky day, because I have a dark room.

IRENE

That’s fantastic. I can pay you however much you want, just—

CALLER

[OVERLAPPING] Oh, that won’t be necessary. I’m studying photography, so the experience is payment enough. No worries!

IRENE

That’s very kind of you, thank you.

CALLER

Of course!

Oh, where are my manners? My name is Sadie. Sadie Creed. And you are…?

IRENE

Irene.

SADIE

Irene! How cute. Where do you want me to pick up your film?

IRENE

Um, I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but I would prefer to meet out in the open? Is that a problem?

SADIE

Not at all. How about Lemongrass Park?

IRENE

That’s actually perfect, yeah.

SADIE

Great! I’m happy to meet you tomorrow night at 8:00, if that time works for you? I know that’s a bit late, but I work at the candy shop until then.

IRENE

That should be fine, yeah.

SADIE

Looking forward to it! Pleasure doing business with you, Irene. Bye-bye!

[SADIE HANGS UP.]

IRENE

Huh. Well, I guess that solves that.

Time to go find Wednesday White.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today's quote is: A wave of grass engraves upon the stone: ‘There is more than one good way to drown.’

Sylvia Plath in "Epitaph in Three Parts," 1955.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

MICRO-COSMOS PROMOTIONAL AD [written by Jesse Smith]

[THERE ARE STATIC NOISES.]

ATHENA

This is Communications Athena Romero of OEC #0137-F recording from a… still, unknown location on the infant planet Ophiuchus-22. Though I have my… well, rational, doubts, something in me feels as though this transmission might actually be reaching someone. Might just be desperation, though. Most likely just desperation. Regardless. We would appreciate any and all OC representatives or employees, or individuals otherwise receiving this transmission, to please send a response. We have been recording mandatory and otherwise necessary emergency chronicling logs for days now. Please.

[WE HEAR MILES'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]

MILES

(distant) Athena, are you sending out another transmission? They’re not going to-

[C41 APPEARS WITH THEIR USUAL PING.]

C41

Shhh, let her do her thing, Miles. She needs to set her character up correctly for the new listeners that are hearing this promotional advertisement.

MILES

The new— what?

C41

What?

MILES

What are you talking about?

FELIX

I believe what Cal is doing is called “breaking the fourth wall,” my friend.

MILES

Breaking the what now?

C41

Oh, just forget about it.

[MILES GROANS; WE HEAR ALEX APPROACH.]

ALEX

What about a promotional advertisement?

ATHENA

Guys, could you… [SIGHS] I am trying to finish this log, so could you please give me a moment?

ALEX

Sorry, Starshine, I just got a little caught up in the whole “self-aware and breaking the fourth wall” thing.

ATHENA

It’s… fine.

C41

If I were you, Athena, I would close your log out by telling the listener to tune in to Micro-Cosmos: A Science Fiction Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts! The show is created by a crew of LGBTQ+ people, and features strange infant planets, brief romantic scenes before epic tragedy, cool sci-fi terminology, and adorably talented AI units, like myself!

ATHENA

Micro-?

C41

More information on the show can be found on its website: “microcospod.space”, OR its Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or TikTok, which all have the handle “@microcospod.”

MILES

… uh huh.

[THE CREW SITS IN SILENCE FOR A SECOND.]

C41

That’s just what I would say, though.

MILES

… Cal, we really need to figure out what is going on with this new phase of yours.

[heartofether]

Episode 13 - Dog with a Bone TRANSCRIPT

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AUTOMATED VOICE

[INCREASINGLY SLOWLY] Please state your message.

[THEME SONG PLAYS.]

VAL

Three-eyed Frog Presents: The Heart of Ether.

[THEME SONG FADES TO A STOP.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. AGENTS MAY AND JUNES’ COMPANY VEHICLE, DRIVING INTO DAUGHTLER, WASHINGTON, MIDDAY.]

[THE TWO ARE HEARD DRIVING THROUGH THE TOWN.]

AGENT MAY

This is the audio log of Operation Saturn, phase 1.2. Investigation taking place in Daughtler, Washington, 2019. Set to last for two months minimum. This is day one. Conducted by Agents May and June. All recordings are legal property of the Harper Foundation. Any unauthorized access to these recordings will result in—

AGENT JUNE

[OVERLAPPING] Does Daughtler know no God? That church is crumbling like a communion wafer!

AGENT MAY

Agent June.

AGENT JUNE

I’m just saying! You’d think for a place of worship, they’d take better care of it. Basic maintenance, maybe a new paint job.

AGENT MAY

Well, I guess the people of Daughtler aren’t particularly religious.

AGENT JUNE

Oh, not that I care. I’m an atheist. Raised in a Catholic household, which went about as well as—

AGENT MAY

Look, in the future, could you please avoid speaking over me when we’re recording important information?

AGENT JUNE

What important information? We just got here.

AGENT MAY

Well, if we’re going to be constantly on the record, I would like to maintain some level of professionalism.

AGENT JUNE

Ahh. Hate to break it to you, bud, but if you expect me to shut up for this whole mission, I think you will be greatly disappointed. I am, you see, constantly burdened by great ideas—trust me, it’s exhausting.

AGENT MAY

[SARCASTIC] I’m sure it is.

AGENT JUNE

[AFTER A BRIEF PAUSE, HE SNORTS A LAUGH.] DVD rentals? Dude, who’s renting DVDs in the digital era of pirating—I mean, uh, legally buying and streaming everything online?

AGENT MAY

[DEADPAN] Nice catch.

AGENT JUNE

Anyways, where are we heading first? I’m guessing the motel?

AGENT MAY

Actually, we’re going to make a quick detour. Stop somewhere for a quick interview.

AGENT JUNE

[HE GROANS.] Seriously, dude? We have so much time to do that kind of stuff. Can’t we just, you know, relax for our first day? Settle into Weird Town, USA?

AGENT MAY

I’d like to start this mission off on a good foot. It would be valuable to meet some of the residents, see what they’re like. Besides, this particular individual is important enough that by establishing a relationship early on, it may be beneficial in the long run.

AGENT JUNE

Ugh, fine. Who is our person of the hour, then?

AGENT MAY

Actually, it’s less about the person and more about where they’re living.

[A BEAT.]

AGENT JUNE

Yeah, dude. Obviously. They’re living in Daughtler, Washington. You know, the place we’re investigating?

AGENT MAY

[OVERLAPPING] I mean their house.

Agent June, please, please tell me you know who Bernard Kelly Valencia is.

AGENT JUNE

Obviously, dude! That’s like asking a chemistry student if they know what an electron is. [THEN, UNDER HIS BREATH] Actually, I failed chemistry, so maybe that isn’t the best analogy.

But yeah. Bernard Kelly Valencia. Super weird dude that the entire town was kinda freaked by. Supposedly was well-known among the Ether community for his vast range of research conducted with Dorothy Wood. Nobody actually knows where all that work went after he and Dorothy died, though.

AGENT MAY

Actually, it’s possible some of it was left behind in his own house.

AGENT JUNE

Wait, seriously? Didn’t all of his belongings go to his son afterwards?

AGENT MAY

According to the original house plans, there’s an attic. His son, after leaving the house once and for all, never mentioned there being anything in the attic. This could mean it was just empty, but that fact would have to have been noted at some point. His son was thorough in his complaints about clearing his father’s house, from what we could find. It’s possible nobody ever even bothered to look up there.

AGENT JUNE

So you think he had something in his attic that just never got found?

AGENT MAY

That’s what the Foundation believes.

AGENT JUNE

Alrighty, then. That’s not too bad. We just break into a dead guy’s house and pillage through his attic. I mean, how hard can that be?

AGENT MAY

It’s not that simple. There’s a new tenant living there.

AGENT JUNE

Ahh, I see. Do you think they know?

AGENT MAY

Perhaps. There was a recent missing person report linked to the house—an inspector who the landlord sent out to investigate a supposed mold problem.

AGENT JUNE

Classic.

AGENT MAY

Which leads us to believe that the new tenant is at least familiar with Ether—assuming the mold problem was of supernatural origin, which is probable due to the house’s location and the report filed by the landlord describing the mold: yellow, with an odd scent.

AGENT JUNE

So, what’s our plan? Are we just going to go and ask to search the house?

AGENT MAY

Unfortunately, the Foundation couldn’t acquire a formal search warrant. We’ll have to convince the new tenant to let us in of their own free will.

AGENT JUNE

Who is this person, anyways?

AGENT MAY

Her name is Irene Gray. She’s twenty-one years old. Works as forestry aid.

AGENT JUNE

Do we know anything else about her?

AGENT MAY

Let’s just say the mold inspector isn’t the only missing persons case she’s connected to. Four years ago, an 18-year-old girl named Rosemary Quinn went missing. Officials think it’s likely she ran away. Irene Gray was Rosemary’s girlfriend. The police’s interview with Irene states that the two of them had planned on running away together not long after the date Rosemary had gone missing.

AGENT JUNE

Way to rat your girlfriend out like that.

AGENT MAY

She could have been desperate for any sort of lead, even if that meant getting herself and Rosemary in trouble. And she did get in trouble, I believe, though not with the law, per say. Irene couldn’t have known where Rosemary had gone, though. She was so emotionally devastated after the event, there was little chance she was faking it or lying to cover for Rosemary. She actually started therapy not long after.

AGENT JUNE

So, why does it matter? Did they ever find Rosemary?

AGENT MAY

Unfortunately, no. The official record states that the last place she was potentially seen was a local animal shelter, where she dropped off her cat, whose name she said was Sage. This, however, does not sync up with reports from her family claiming the cat’s name was Sir Griffin the Third, which led to some uncertainty. They had a difficult time tracking her after that, though. All they had to go off of was one potential gas station siting, but all that resulted in was another dead end.

AGENT JUNE

Uh, you still haven’t explained why any of this matters.

AGENT MAY

[FRUSTRATED] Could you just be patient for one— [HE HUFFS A SIGH.]

Look, it’s important because it’s unlikely Irene Gray will let us explore her house if we just ask nicely.

AGENT JUNE

So, we have to use bait?

AGENT MAY

It could be a mutually beneficial relationship, is what I’m saying. We both have something the other wants.

AGENT JUNE

Wait, does the Foundation, like, know what happened to that girl?

AGENT MAY

Not quite, but, potentially. I’ll show you what we have once we stop the car.

AGENT JUNE

Great! This should be interesting.

AGENT MAY

[UNDER HIS BREATH] I’m sure it will be.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[INT. IRENE GRAY’S HOUSE, MIDDAY.]

[IRENE IS ON A PHONE CALL WITH ADEN. ON HIS END OF THE LINE, THERE IS THE LOOPING SOUND OF A BROKEN FAX MACHINE ATTEMPTING, BUT FAILING, TO PROCESS PAPER.]

IRENE

It’s a fax machine. How do you not know how to use a fax machine? I’ve literally watched you do it before.

ADEN

Well, I thought I knew! And I mean, come on, how come you get to judge me when you can’t even use your phone properly?

IRENE

Oh, my god—Aden, it’s my day off. Can’t you just look it up?

ADEN

I don’t know how to describe the problem in a way a search engine will understand. It’s too—you know—specific.

IRENE

Ask someone there, then. Carol and Julia probably know better than I do.

ADEN

Julia’s sick, and Carol’s on some important phone call. Look, I just—if we have to replace this thing and it’s my fault, I’m going to freak out—

IRENE

Okay, wait until Carol gets off the phone and then—

ADEN

[WORRIED] What if it sets on fire or something?

IRENE

[FRUSTRATED] It won’t! It’s probably just jammed.

ADEN

But what if it does?

IRENE

[SNAPPING] Jeez, dude, just go find the manual! Why are you calling me?

ADEN

[PANICKED, STUTTERING] Because I’m panicking, alright? Look, ever, ever since the mold incident, I’ve been so scared constantly of everything. Every tiny thing that happens feels like it’s the end of the world, especially because that dude’s van went missing and it’s like you guys are just constantly waiting for the police to just show up at your door—

IRENE

[HER TONE SOFTENS, GROWING SYMPATHETIC] Oh, Aden—

ADEN

[CONT.] —and you and Carol almost died, and I did nothing. Okay? I sat in my office and talked to the knitted cat on my desk while I had a panic attack and did nothing.

I just want to find some way to, to do good, to fix something, but instead I think I ruined the fax machine and now I’m just failing you and Carol, again.

IRENE

[CHOOSING HER WORDS CAREFULLY] Hey. Look, I—I’m sorry I snapped. It’s not…it’s not that big of a deal.

ADEN

[COMING DOWN, GUILTILY] No, no, you’re right. I shouldn’t have called you on your day off.

IRENE

It’s fine. Seriously, don’t worry about it. Do you need me to go down there and look at it?

ADEN

No, don’t. I’m kinda starting to calm down, and I think if I can’t find the manual, I’ll just wait until Carol gets off the phone.

IRENE

That’s a good idea.

[A BEAT.] Um, if you need a distraction or anything, we can still talk for a bit. I know how anxiety can be.

ADEN

[SINCERE] That means a lot, Irene. Thank you.

IRENE

Of course.

Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?

ADEN

[A BEAT, THEN, HESITANT] I actually have a question. I’ve been thinking about it for a bit, but if it’s too personal, you don’t have to answer.

IRENE

I mean, I think you’ve already seen me at some pretty low points, so…

ADEN

[HE CHUCKLES.] Alright.

[CAREFULLY] You said you had a girlfriend who went missing.

IRENE

[A BEAT.] Yup.

ADEN

What was her name?

IRENE

[A HESITANT BEAT.] Rose. Er, you may have seen the name Rosemary Quinn at some point, but it was years ago.

ADEN

Yeah, I don’t remember. Sorry.

IRENE

It’s fine.

ADEN

What happened to her?

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

IRENE

[GRIM] We never found out.

For a long time, I’ve thought that she just decided she was sick of her life as it was. Ran away to start a new one without telling anyone where she went. It would have made sense—she had planned on doing it for a while. Even took cash from her savings out in chunks so nobody would be able to track her card when she did. Her mother simply wrote this off as poorly thought-out impulse purchases.

We had planned our entire future together, though, and for her to just throw it out didn’t make sense, it—well… [SHE TRAILS OFF.]

ADEN

I’m sorry.

IRENE

I thought it was her mom at first, though. Grace Quinn. [SHE SAYS THE NAME WITH VENOM.]

They investigated Grace for domestic abuse. Believed Rose ran away to escape a dangerous situation. Upon Rose not answering her bedroom door, Grace, well…broke it down. Rose had locked it before she went out the window, and her mother just—decimated the doorknob to get in. At least, that’s what the police report says.

ADEN

Jeez.

IRENE

Without the child there, however, it was difficult to prove any abuse. I had some texts. Her aunts had a couple of anecdotes. That was all, though. Grace refused to admit to anything, of course.

ADEN

[HESITANT] Was there? Um, was there abuse?

IRENE

[A BEAT.] Yeah.

ADEN

I’m so sorry.

IRENE

It was rarely ever physical, but it definitely happened.

ADEN

I mean, if Rose was trying to escape something, I hope she was safe in the end.

IRENE

[PAUSE, THEN, SOFTLY, ALMOST SAD] I do, too.

[A BEAT.] That wasn’t all, though. Grace acted really strange afterwards. When police asked what had happened the night before, she said she couldn’t remember. Seriously, she didn’t have any concrete details. She said she had just woken up that morning and Rose was gone, but her story kept changing in little ways. It was disorienting.

She seemed…paranoid. Jumpy. Confused, even. Angry, but her anger wasn’t directed anywhere. I might have felt bad for her if just the thought of her hadn’t made my blood boil. I mean, I imagine your daughter going missing has gotta have some sort of effect on you, even if you’re not on good terms with her.

Grace wasn’t entirely there, though. Looking back, it’s a lot more clear. I…know some things, I didn’t know back then. I just, I wonder what was really wrong with her. I haven’t talked to her in years. Certainly not about to start now.

ADEN

I mean, I kinda sympathize with her, but also, she doesn’t sound like a great person.

IRENE

Oh no, she’s horrible. I know I should feel some remorse for all the awful things I’ve said about her, but I don’t. Not really.

When Rose first went missing, I became blinded by rage. I screamed at Grace when I saw her. Cursed in her face. Said it was all her fault, because I was—well, I was scared, and I had no other explanation. My dad had to drag me away before I attacked her.

ADEN

Jeez, Irene.

IRENE

I’m obviously better about my anger management now. Therapy at least did that for me.

ADEN

I mean, I get it. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you.

IRENE

Yeah. Um, yeah. [IT SOUNDS LIKE THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE SHE WANTS TO SAY.]

Thanks, Aden.

ADEN

Of course. If you…I mean, I know it’s been a while, but you can always talk to me about it. I’ve said that before, but, y’know.

IRENE

I appreciate it.

[A PAUSE.]

ADEN

I think Carol’s call ended.

IRENE

[TEASING] And did the fax machine catch on fire?

ADEN

[HE LAUGHS.] No. No, it did not.

[IRENE LAUGHS. ANOTHER PAUSE.]

IRENE

[MORE SERIOUS] Aden?

ADEN

Yeah?

IRENE

I’m…I’m working on something. It’s a personal project.

ADEN

[CAUGHT OFF GUARD] Oh. Okay.

IRENE

I don’t think I can tell you what it’s about, but…just so you know. I mean, I trust you, so.

ADEN

That’s—um, that’s fine. Uh, let me know if I can help at all?

IRENE

Sure. I’ll talk to you later.

[AS THEY SPEAK, THERE’S APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS ON ADEN’S END OF THE LINE.]

ADEN

You, too. Thank you again for talking.

IRENE

Not a problem. Bye.

ADEN

Talk to you soon!

CAROL

[IN THE DISTANCE] What did you do to the damn—?

[PHONE BEEP AS ADEN HANGS UP. IRENE SIGHS.]

IRENE

[CONFUSED] Oh, uh. Didn’t realize my phone was recording. [MUTTERS] When did that start? Guess I turned it on at some point.

[A BEAT.] Well, Rose. I’m talking to you now. Not just some figment of you in my head, but, you.

I know you’re going to hear these. I don’t know when, but you will. Of course you will.

[A BEAT.] Only problem is, I’m kind of at a dead end. My only lead so far is a mysterious recording that popped up on my laptop with no explanation. I have no idea how any of those files got there. Do I just have to wait until whatever weird force that gives them to me decides to throw one my way?

It’s like gambling at that point. I don’t know when I’ll get something or if what I find will be helpful or not. I mean, hell, I could get a new file on my computer and it’ll just be some voicemail I sent you sophomore year about baking brownies. Who knows what I’ll find or when I’ll find it?

I have to figure out something more reliable. Maybe figure out where the recordings are coming from, and if I can use whatever it is to my advantage. Or, I don’t know, Phoebe is coming over at some point to look in my attic. Maybe I should just—

[THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR.]

IRENE

…huh. Wasn’t expecting anyone.

[IRENE IS HEARD GETTING UP AND WALKING TOWARDS THE DOOR. AS SHE APPROACHES, THE AGENT'S MUFFLED ARGUING IS HEARD, GROWING LOUDER AS SHE GROWS NEAR.]

AGENT JUNE

[MUFFLED] I'm just saying, it could be pretty cool, you know? I'm all like, "Ooh, ahh, no, tell us what we wanna know, and you're like—"

AGENT MAY

[MUFFLED, OVERLAPPING ] June, you're too impressionable by all of these movies that you watch.

[IRENE OPENS THE DOOR, BUT THEY CONTINUE AS IF SHE ISN'T THERE.]

AGENT JUNE

[CONT.] No, no, listen. It could be great, it could be great! We could like, stand back to back, and like, ooh, finger guns—

AGENT MAY

No, I'm not doing finger guns!

IRENE

[OVERLAPPING] Um, can I help you?

AGENT JUNE

[TO AGENT MAY] Okay, but just try it—

AGENT MAY

[HARSHLY CUTTING HIM OFF.] Yes, actually. Is this the residence of Irene Gray?

IRENE

[SKEPTICAL] Who’s asking?

[AGENT MAY IS HEARD FLASHING HIS BADGE.]

AGENT MAY

We’re Agents May and June of The Harper Foundation. We’d like to ask you a few questions, if you don’t mind.

IRENE

The hell is that?

AGENT JUNE

Ah, see, that’s the point: you’re not supposed to know. [A BEAT.] I mean, well, we do leave kind of cryptic ads in the local paper sometimes, but, still.

AGENT MAY

[UNDER HIS BREATH] Agent June.

AGENT JUNE

What? I don’t choose to put those weird ads there!

IRENE

[UNIMPRESSED] …so, what, you’re secret agents?

AGENT MAY

If you’d like to call us that. May we come in?

IRENE

Why?

AGENT MAY

We just need to ask you about a few things. I promise it won’t be long.

IRENE

…are you going to, what, search my house?

AGENT JUNE

You got something to hide?

IRENE

[DEFENSIVE] No! I’m sorry that I value my privacy.

AGENT MAY

We’re not searching your house right now. This will be much easier for all of us if you comply, Ms. Gray.

IRENE

[SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN, DISGRUNTLED] Fine.

AGENT MAY

Thank you.

[IRENE IS HEARD LEADING THE AGENTS INTO HER HOUSE, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. THEIR FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD AS THEY ENTER.]

AGENT JUNE

It’s a nice place you got here. Oh, wow, did you paint that yourself?

IRENE

It was a gift.

AGENT JUNE

Ah, gotcha, gotcha.

[THERE’S A PAUSE AS THEY STOP WALKING.]

IRENE

Well? Take a seat. Be my guest.

[AGENTS MAY AND JUNE ARE HEARD SITTING AT THE TABLE. THERE ARE TWO LOUD THUNKING NOISES, AS IF SOMEONE IS HITTING THE TABLE.]

AGENT MAY

Agent June, take your feet off the table.

AGENT JUNE

Sorry, sorry.

[SHUFFLING NOISES AS AGENT JUNE MOVES HIS FEET.]

IRENE

Can I get you both anything to drink?

AGENT JUNE

There are your manners!

AGENT MAY

[UNDER HIS BREATH] You’re one to talk.

AGENT JUNE

Whatcha got?

IRENE

Um, water? I could make coffee? I also have lemonade in the fridge, but that’s for emergencies.

[A PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

I think I’m in the mood for an emergency lemonade. You, Agent May?

AGENT MAY

I’m fine, thanks.

[AS THEY CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION, IRENE IS HEARD GRABBING THE LEMONADE OUT OF THE FRIDGE, TAKING A GLASS FROM THE CUPBOARD, AND POURING JUNE'S DRINK.]

AGENT MAY

How long have you lived here, Ms. Gray?

IRENE

Not long. I moved here for work.

AGENT MAY

And what do you do?

IRENE

[HASTILY] I’m an engineer.

AGENT JUNE

Mm! Enjoying the area so far?

IRENE

It’s nice. The people are friendly.

[SHE SETS AGENT JUNE’S LEMONADE DOWN ON THE TABLE.]

AGENT JUNE

Much obliged.

[HE TAKES A DRINK LOUDLY. IRENE SITS DOWN ACROSS FROM THE TWO OF THEM.]

IRENE

…well? You said you had questions.

AGENT MAY

We’re here to ask you about a missing person.

[A TENSE PAUSE.]

IRENE

Which one?

AGENT MAY

Which one are you thinking of?

IRENE

[SHE PAUSES.] Are you talking about Rosemary Quinn?

AGENT MAY

[A TENTATIVE PAUSE.] You and Rosemary were close, correct?

IRENE

Why do you care?

AGENT MAY

I’m asking a question. An answer would be nice.

IRENE

[HESITANT] I knew Rose, yeah.

AGENT MAY

When was the last time you saw her?

IRENE

Um, it was two days before her disappearance, I believe?

Look, this should all be on her file. I don’t see the need to recount this all to you unless they’ve opened the case again. Hell, you’re not even cops, are you?

AGENT JUNE

Oh, don’t be that way, Irene. I know this case isn’t as recent as the other one you’re involved with, but you should be able to remember, right?

IRENE

The—

[THERE'S A LOW, EERIE INSTRUMENTAL AS IRENE'S BLOOD RUNS COLD.]

IRENE

[BLUFFING] What other case?

[AGENT MAY SLIDES A PIECE OF PAPER ACROSS THE TABLE.]

AGENT MAY

You were the last person to see this man, correct?

IRENE

I, um, I don’t know him, no.

AGENT JUNE

You’re not as good at lying as you think you are, you know.

[HE'S HEARD FLIPPING OVER A PIECE OF PAPER TO EXAMINE IT.]

AGENT JUNE

[CONT.] I mean, why lie to us about your job, anyways? There’s no shame in being a forestry aid. I’m sure it’s a lovely profession.

IRENE

Who the hell are you people?

AGENT MAY

Relax, Irene. The Harper Foundation has already taken care of his vehicle and rerouted the case so it doesn’t trace back to you. Investigators will come up with a dead-end soon enough, and nobody will know what you did.

AGENT JUNE

You’re welcome for that.

IRENE

I— [THEN, GUILTILY] I didn’t kill him.

AGENT MAY

I’m sure you didn’t. That’s not important right now. We’re just trying to give you a nudge in the right direction so maybe then you’ll be inclined to tell us the truth.

IRENE

Why? What do you want from me?

AGENT MAY

If you’d give me a moment to speak, then I can explain.

[IRENE HUFFS A SIGH, BUT LETS AGENT MAY SPEAK. HE FLIPS OPEN A FOLDER.]

AGENT MAY

Are you aware of this house’s previous tenant?

IRENE

You mean Bernard Kelly Valencia? His reputation precedes him, but I never knew the guy.

AGENT MAY

That’s correct. We believe he left something behind after he died, however. Something that could be incredibly beneficial for the Foundation. Have you found anything like that?

[IRENE STAYS SILENT.]

AGENT JUNE

[WHISPERS TO AGENT MAY] I think she’s trying to plead the fifth.

AGENT MAY

We expected such stubbornness. We’re not asking you for this for free, you know. We believe we may also have something that would be beneficial for you.

IRENE

And, what is that, exactly?

AGENT MAY

I’m glad you asked.

[HE'S HEARD HANDING A PAPER TO IRENE. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

AGENT MAY

Sometime in July, the same year Rosemary Quinn disappeared, a dusty yellow bicycle was found in the middle of nowhere in Oregon. It appeared to have had a broken piece in the front where a basket was supposed to be attached. It was never brought to the police, so unfortunately, it could never be examined as possible evidence.

AGENT JUNE

Hiker who found it posted about it on Twitter, though. The guy didn’t have many followers, so it never got traction.

AGENT MAY

This photo was taken not too far from Bent. If this is Rosemary’s bicycle, it could mean that we have a possible travel path for her after her disappearance.

[A TENSE PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

Oh, that was quite the shift in your expression, Irene. Have we struck a nerve? [MELODRAMATIC] I guess young love tends to leave such sore, open wounds, doesn’t it?

AGENT MAY

If you let us look at whatever it is Mr. Valencia left behind, we can help you find Rosemary Quinn. It may take some time, but we believe we can determine what happened to her. We just need your help.

[THE MUSIC STOPS. THERE'S A LONG PAUSE.]

IRENE

Get out.

[SHE'S HEARD GETTING OUT OF HER CHAIR.]

AGENT JUNE

Wh—hey!

IRENE

[GROWING MORE UPSET] Get out, I said. Get out!

[AS SHE SPEAKS, SHE'S HEARD PHYSICALLY GRABBING THE AGENTS AND PUSHING THEM OUT OF HER HOUSE. WHILE SHE'S AT IT, SHE GRABS THEIR FOLDERS AS WELL, THOUGH ONE PAPER STAYS BEHIND.]

AGENT JUNE

Hey, no, stop! You can't just grab our things like that! Please.

AGENT MAY

[OVERLAPPING, STUTTERING] Hey—!

[BOTH AGENTS STUMBLE OUTSIDE. IRENE IS HEARD THROWING THEIR PAPERS OUT THE DOOR.]

AGENT JUNE

Woah!

AGENT MAY

That's confidential information, you can't keep that in your house—

[SHE CUTS HIM OFF BY SLAMMING THE DOOR. THERE'S A PAUSE AS SHE BEGINS PACING THE FLOOR.]

IRENE

Who the hell do they think they are? Do they think I’m just some sort of—some sort of tool for them to use? Do they think they can dangle Rose over my head like I’m a dog with a bone, all over some—

[SHE PICKS THE PICTURE UP OFF THE TABLE, STOPPING HER PACING]

IRENE

Some picture of a bicycle?

[THERE’S A PAUSE AS IRENE STARES AT THE PHOTO, BEGINNING TO CALM DOWN.]

IRENE

[CAUTIOUS HOPE.] Is this really your bike, Rose? Why would you tear the basket off? You loved that basket. [WANDERING INTO DAYDREAM TERRITORY] You’d put flowers I got you in it and then ride around your block. Said it made you feel like you were in a painting.

[A BEAT.] Maybe I shouldn’t have kicked them—

[THERE’S ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR. IRENE STORMS BACK OVER TO IT.]

IRENE

[YELLING] I told you to get out! I’m not some stupid—

[SHE OPENS THE DOOR, AND REALIZES IT'S NOT THE AGENTS.]

IRENE

[EMBARRASSED] …dog.

TEEN

Well, I sure hope you’re not.

IRENE

[AWKWARDLY] Um, hi. Sorry, it’s just, someone else was just over and—

TEEN

Those two dudes? Yeah, they didn’t look very happy. That one guy, the one who had his tie undone for some reason, he had to chase one of the papers down the street. It was really funny.

IRENE

You were watching?

TEEN

Well, I didn’t realize you had a line going out your door of people waiting to talk to you.

IRENE

[DEADPAN] I’m new to the famous life.

TEEN

You’ll get used to it, I’m sure.

IRENE

Well, are you here to interview me and talk about my darkest secrets?

TEEN

That would be cool, wouldn’t it?

IRENE

[DISGRUNTLED] Not after the day I’ve had.

TEEN

Well, you see, I’ve actually been dying to meet you. My mom told me about you, said she met you at the store. I don’t know if you remember her, but from what she told me, it sounds like maybe you could use a bit of help.

IRENE

Your m— [IN SHOCKED AWE] Oh my god, are you the meat lady’s kid?

AVERY

Actually, my name is Avery.

Wanna grab lunch sometime?

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today's quote is: "Most of the people are homesick anyway, and a little lonely, and they hide themselves in their hair and are turned into flowers."

Tove Jansson in Sculptor's Daughter, 1968.

[A PAUSE AS A HOLLOW NOISE BEGINS TO GROW IN THE BACKGROUND, FOLLOWED BY STATIC.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

[SLOWLY, AS IF STRAINED] Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can feel it—

[THE VOICE IS CUT OFF BY STATIC.]

[OUTRO MUSIC & CREDITS PLAY.]

[AN EXTENDED PIANO VERSION OF THE NIGHT POST’S OPENING THEME PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

NIGHT POST PROMO

Hello there, citizen. You’ve lived in Gilt City for a while now. Maybe you’ve wondered, when you wake in the morning and retrieve the letters tucked neatly into your postbox, just where your mail comes from. It comes from the Night Post, of course. Those faithful couriers deliver it while you’re sleeping--all the better that they stay out of sight, and keep the unseemly strangeness that follows them out of our city, in the Skelter, where it belongs.

Ahem. If, for some reason, you’d like to know more about Gilt City’s conscripted couriers and the burden that chose them, their secret hopes and fears, the ancient, untamed threats that hound them on their nocturnal journeys--you have only to listen. The Night Post is a supernatural audio drama by an all-LGBT team, delivered weekly, in dead of night, to wherever you listen to podcasts.

Find answers at nightpostpod.com.

[heartofether]

Season Two Trailer #1 - What Could Go Wrong? TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Please state your message.

[BEEP.]

[FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD AS OUR SPEAKER PACES BACK AND FORTH. THE SOUND IS ECHOED AS IF HE IS IN A PARKING GARAGE.]

AGENT MAY

Come on, come on…

[HIS PHONE RINGS, AND HE STOPS PACING. THERE'S A BEEP AS HE ANSWERS IT.]

AGENT MAY

Agent September, where are you?

[AGENT SEPTEMBER'S MUFFLED AND INDISTINGUISHABLE RESPONSE IS HEARD.]

AGENT MAY

Okay. Do you know if they’re sending someone in your place, or am I going alone?

[MUFFLED YELLING HEARD FROM AGENT SEPTEMBER.]

AGENT MAY

I am not being inconsiderate, September. Yes, I hope you both are well, but months of planning have gone into this mission. You have to understand my concern for what could be a turning point in our careers.

[PAUSE AS AGENT SEPTEMBER SPEAKS.] So, they are sending someone else? Did they tell you who?

[ANOTHER PAUSE, THEN, FILLED WITH DREAD] No. No, anyone but him.

What about Agent March? I, I know she sprained her ankle two weeks ago, but she must have recovered by now, right? How about, I don’t know, Agent October? She seems to be Pisces’s favorite, why not choose her?

You can’t do this to me. I cannot live with him for two months. Just ask them to send someone—no, don’t hang up—!

[AGENT SEPTEMBER'S VOICE IS HEARD OVERLAPPING AGENT MAY'S, THEN THERE ARE THREE BEEPS AS THEY HANG UP. AGENT MAY INHALES SHARPLY. HE BEGINS PACING AGAIN, FASTER THAN BEFORE.]

AGENT MAY

[MUTTERING TO HIMSELF] If I leave now, I can just say he never showed up. I’ll do the mission by myself. It will be a lot of work, but it will be the opportunity I’ve been waiting for to prove that I’m a valuable asset to this entire—

AGENT JUNE

[FROM AFAR] Is that my good pal Agent May?

AGENT MAY

Existence is a prison.

[HE STOPS PACING DEAD IN HIS TRACKS. AGENT JUNE IS HEARD WALKING OVER TO THE CAR AS AGENT MAY SPEAKS.]

AGENT MAY

Agent June. I was not expecting to see you here.

AGENT JUNE

Guess it’s your lucky day, then! Not for Agent September, though.

[WHILE TALKING, AGENT JUNE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND AGENT MAY'S SHOULDERS.]

AGENT JUNE

[CONT.] Feel bad for them, honestly. I mean, you can’t really predict when your spouse is going to have a heart attack, but man is that awful timing. At least they survived, or, so I’ve heard.

AGENT MAY

Agent June, please remove your arm from my shoulders.

AGENT JUNE

Oh! Gotcha. Sorry.

[AGENT JUNE STEPS AWAY.]

AGENT MAY

But, yes, the Agent September situation is…unfortunate.

AGENT JUNE

At least you have me, though, right?

[AGENT MAY DOES NOT RESPOND. THERE ARE BAG RUSTLING SOUNDS AS AGENT JUNE SPEAKS.]

AGENT JUNE

So, should I just throw my stuff in the trunk? I tried my best to pack with such short notice. Also, I know during the briefing, they were like, [MOCKING THEIR BOSS] “Pack light, bring only the bare necessities, be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.”

But, listen, I dunno about you, but I get bored wicked fast, so I did bring some video games? I didn’t bring my whole collection, obviously, but if you wanted to play like Zelda or something once we got—

AGENT MAY

[OVERLAPPING] You know we’re required to record our mission, right? Director Pisces is going to hear anything you say.

[THERE’S A LONG PAUSE.]

AGENT JUNE

Right. So, that was a joke. I definitely do not have a copy of Breath of the Wild in my bag. I am a smart and efficient packer, and only brought the bare necessities.

AGENT MAY

[UNCONVINCED] Sure.

AGENT JUNE

Anyways, I’ll get my stuff in the car and then… Daughtler, here we come?

[AGENT JUNE IS HEARD MOVING HIS BAGS AGAIN, AND THEN OPENING THE TRUNK.]

AGENT MAY

We’ll be about half an hour behind due to unforeseen circumstances, but, yes.

AGENT JUNE

Cool, cool.

[THERE’S A PAUSE AS AGENT JUNE IS HEARD PUTTING HIS BAGS IN THE TRUNK.]

AGENT MAY

You do understand the importance of this mission. Right, Agent June?

AGENT JUNE

Hm? Oh yeah! Yeah. Super important stuff.

AGENT MAY

Your tone does not reassure me.

AGENT JUNE

Look, man. Loosen up a bit. Alright? This is gonna be fun! We’ll get some important work done, bond over all the spooky stuff we see, and then maybe by the end of it realize that the real otherworldly force was the friends we made along the way! I mean, come on, what could go wrong?

AGENT MAY

[HE HUFFS A SIGH.] I—you know what? I’m going to start the car.

[BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

VAL

Season two of The Heart of Ether will begin August 13th, 2021.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

[heartofether]

Bonus Episode #4 - Irene's Inauguration TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Please state your message.

[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS FOR SOME TIME BEFORE FADING OUT.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. THE BREAK ROOM, MIDDAY, AROUND LUNCH.]

[IRENE IS SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE, WHILE ADEN IS LEANING OVER HER SHOULDER. THERE ARE VARIOUS OFFICE AMBIANCE NOISES HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

IRENE

I don’t think I need your help setting it up, you know. I’m pretty sure I can figure out how to use an app.

ADEN

Sorry, sorry, I’m just—excited, you know? It feels like you’re about to take a big step, and I get to be the one to watch it happen.

IRENE

[SHE SCOFFS.] As if this is a major life milestone.

ADEN

Hey, I think it is! In a way. You know? It’s not common for someone your age to not be active on social media—

IRENE

Hey.

ADEN

Not that that’s a bad thing! You’re like, joining the masses though. It’s like an inauguration.

IRENE

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

ADEN

And, I’d also like to witness the outcome of my months of pestering you.

IRENE

Hey! I kept saying I was going to—

ADEN

So have you come up with a username yet?

IRENE

Um, not really? I’m guessing just irenegray is taken.

ADEN

Mmmm, probably. If it helps at all, I added a word to my username that I thought sounded nice. Kind of like, something cool and aesthetic, you know?

IRENE

See, that’s part of the problem. You actively have an aesthetic you’re trying to maintain. I’m just kind of, you know. [SHE VAGUELY MOTIONS.]

ADEN

Hey, I think that’s great that you're authentically yourself and you don’t adhere to any restrictive subcultures.

IRENE

If you wanna call it that… honestly though I just hadn’t thought about it. I mean, you know I’m mostly doing this for you, right?

ADEN

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just pick a word you like and pair it with your name to see if it sounds nice! Maybe, like, an adjective?

IRENE

Hm. [SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN] I kind of like the idea of it being something forest-themed.

ADEN

That would be cute! What if you did, like, the name of a tree? [BEAT] Ooh! You could do something like cedarirene, as in red cedars, you like those, right?

IRENE

[THINKING] I kind of like that, they’re pretty… [beat]

ADEN

[HE LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE] Or you could do, like, irenefir, as in Douglas-fir? Those are pretty common in this part of the states.

IRENE

[SHE CHUCKLES, THEN, HUMS IN THOUGHT.] Yeah, I’m not sure I’m going for the Christmas tree route today.

ADEN

Hey, if you end up deciding you don’t like it, you can always change it later.

IRENE

That’s a good point. [BEAT] But I think cedarirene is good.

ADEN

I like it, too.

[A PAUSE AS SHE TYPES.]

ADEN

Then just add your email and password—don’t worry, I’ll look away for this part… [KEEPS TRAILING ON AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT WHILE IRENE TYPES] Even though I’m fairly certain it’s the same login info you use for everything… which you should really work on by the way, you know that really isn’t the most secure—

[MORE PHONE TYPING.]

IRENE

Got it.

ADEN

Then you’re done!

[A BEAT.]

IRENE

What do I do now?

ADEN

Now, you get to customize your profile. You know, add your name, your bio, a profile picture—oh, actually hold on, give me your phone real quick.

IRENE

Why?

ADEN

I want you to follow me! Here, just let me search for my username.

IRENE

[SHE CHUCKLES.] Sure. Go wild.

[ADEN IS HEARD TYPING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ADEN

…and done. Oh, actually, while I’m here, I should have you follow Carol and Julia. [HE STARTS TYPING THEIR USERNAMES IN.]

IRENE

[IN SHOCK] Carol has Instagram?

ADEN

Uh, yeah.[beat] You seriously don’t understand just how behind you are, do you?

IRENE

[SHE GAPES IN FAUX-OFFENSE] You act like I’m withering away into a pile of dust just for not using social media.

ADEN

[GIGGLING] I’m kidding, Irene! I know lots of reasons why someone may want to go off the grid. I mean, social media can be kind of, er…

IRENE

A cruel and unjust place full of corporate marketing and unattainable standards?

ADEN

Yeah. Also, it can be kind of addicting for some people. So just, I mean I doubt you’ll have that problem since you don’t really seem to care, but just—be careful.

IRENE

Don’t worry, I doubt I’ll even use it that much.

ADEN

You better at least open the app every now and then. I want to send you stuff.

IRENE

[SHE LAUGHS.] I’ll keep notifications on for you, bud… If nothing else.

ADEN

Right, so, back to your profile. I’ll let you do whatever you want for this part. Oh, you should put your pronouns in your bio, though.

IRENE

Got it. [A PAUSE, THEN] Uh, what else should I put?

ADEN

Anything you want, really. Some people like to put their age, their job, sexuality, a fun fact about themselves.

IRENE

I mean, I don’t really want to share my entire personal life with the internet.

ADEN

Then don’t. Just put some totally random fun fact.

IRENE

Hm. Okay.

[A PAUSE AS IRENE TYPES.]

ADEN

Is that… did you actually drink three cups of coffee in less than one hour before?

IRENE

It was finals season.

ADEN

[CONCERNED] I can only drink one cup, and that still makes me shaky. Were you okay?

IRENE

Gonna be totally honest, I don’t remember a damn thing from those twenty-four hours.

[THERE’S A BRIEF PAUSE BEFORE THEY BOTH LAUGH FOR A FEW SECONDS.]

ADEN

[THROUGH FADING LAUGHTER] Okay, okay. Now you just need to set a profile pic.

IRENE

I mean, I don’t really take selfies ever.

ADEN

It doesn’t have to be a photo of your face. Do you have any pets?

IRENE

Not unless my dead betta fish from three years ago counts.

ADEN

Hm, okay. Some people just make it a color they like, or if you just have a nice photo in your camera roll you want to use, you could do that. Some people use characters they like, art pieces, pictures of buildings, yada, yada, yada. Just pick something.

IRENE

Where do you get all of your info about Instagram accounts, anyways?

ADEN

Oh, it was actually my minor in college. “Aesthetically Pleasing Profiles 101.”

[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]

ADEN

I’m joking, of course. It’s just…I don’t know, the internet was kind of a safe space for me for a while? When I first moved to Daughtler, I didn’t have many friends, and my constant state of anxiety was far from helpful. Online, I could be myself and find people with similar interests way easier than I could around town, without ever having to worry about my weird real-life mannerisms that might drive people away.

IRENE

[SINCERE] That makes a lot of sense. It’s good to have support like that. I, uh, probably could have used something like that in college, honestly. I just got kind of used to isolating myself after a while, I guess. [A BEAT.] Though, if it helps at all, I think you’re pretty cool offline, too.

ADEN

Thanks, Irene. [A BEAT.] So, about your profile pic.

IRENE

Do you think Carol would mind if I made it a picture of Mothman?

ADEN

I— [HE GIGGLES.] You know what? I think she’d think it’s cute. Do it.

[IRENE GIGGLES. SHE SETS THE PROFILE PIC.]

ADEN

Welcome to the digital world, Irene Gray.

IRENE

Please, I’m not a grandpa. I know how the internet works.

ADEN

I know, I know. I’m excited to see what you post, though.

IRENE

[THINKING] I honestly hadn’t given it much thought. I guess we’ll find out… if I remember to.

ADEN

Don’t think about it too hard, alright? Just be your authentic self.

IRENE

I’ll certainly try my best.

[PHONE BEEP.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today's quote is: "Love is a leash that goes both ways."

Becca De La Rosa in Mabel, Episode 36, 2019.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

[heartofether]

The Vast & Starlit Special: Part One - The Scandals of Atticus Ashfield TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

VAL

Hey, Val here. Just wanted to do a quick little introduction for our three-part Vast & Starlit special. This is going to be our last little bit of bonus content before season two officially begins on August 13th. We talk about this in the episode, but if you would like to find more information about the game we’re playing, you can find a link in the episode description. Thank you so much for all of the support, and enjoy our Vast & Starlit special!

[MUSIC PLAYS FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE SLOWLY FADING OUT.]

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Well, that went well. It’ll be fine.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] All is well.

LUKA

Everything is okay.

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING, IN A BRITISH ACCENT] Alright.

LUKA

Alright, so I guess, let’s get into it!

VAL

Cheers!

LUKA

Should we introduce ourselves?

JESSE

I feel like we should.

VAL

I think that’s probably good.

LUKA

It’s weird to like, talk, and be like, “Oh, hey besties.”

JESSE

“Hey.”

[LOTS OF UNCLEAR, OVERLAPPING CHATTER AND STUTTERING FOR A MOMENT.]

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] “Greetings, besties.”

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Uh, a lot of times, what I do think is funny is we’ll, like, do bonus content, and then say spoilers, and Val will just beep it out in recording. So I was going to introduce myself and the character I play, and I do think you guys can still do that.

LAUREN

Okay.

VAL

Yeah, and then I’ll just censor it out. It’ll be like, “Hi, I play—”

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Because it’s a funny joke to me.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Val, if you—I don’t know if you want to start.

VAL

Um, yeah, I can start. My name is Val, I’m the writer and producer of The Heart of Ether. I also voice Rosemary Quinn. What else are we saying about ourselves? Is this just—do we wanna throw in a fun fact—?

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Um, I would just—sure, if you want.

VAL

[LAUGHING] Oh, I don’t have any fun facts, so.

Everything I own is mushroom-themed. Because, according to my parents, that’s my only interest.

LUKA

They’re not wrong.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Um, hello! I am Luka Miller. I play Irene Gray. I did not prepare a fun fact, but I guess I will say that Irene’s Instagram fun fact is a personal attack on me.

[LAUGHTER.]

JES

Oh.

LAUREN

Oh? Okay.

LUKA

I don’t—it wasn’t intentional, but it is. [THEY LAUGH.]

We have two new guests!

[A FEW SECONDS OF EVERYONE INTERMITTENTLY GOING “OOH!” IN INTERESTED TONES, THEN LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Jes, would you like to go first?

JESSE

[STUTTERING] Alright, okay. Uh, well, I’m Jesse Smith. I played Dr. Michaels in season one, and I will be playing [CENSORED BEEP]. And my fun fact, [A BEAT.] I’m currently dressed like a pirate.

VAL

Jes is the only one who dressed up for this. I didn’t—I didn’t know we were dressing up for today.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

[STUTTERING] I wish—I didn’t commit to the bit. That’s hard.

VAL

It’s okay.

LAUREN

Um, well, I guess that leaves me! Hi, I’m Lauren Tucker. I was not on season one of The Heart of Ether, but I will be playing [CENSORED BEEP] in season two.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

Big fan of the show, really, that’s [STUTTERING] that’s my fun fact, actually, is that I am the number one Heart of Ether stan. And, I get typecast as [CENSORED BEEP.] And I love it, so.

[LAUGHTER, THEN OVERLAPPING, UNCLEAR TALKING FOR A SECOND.]

LAUREN

You can tell I’ve never done, like, non-scripted for audio before, so this should be interesting.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Yeah.

VAL

Very fun.

LUKA

Yeah, this will be very interesting. Very excited.

[IN A BRITISH ACCENT] So, I suppose I will lead us—oh no, it’s coming out.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

I was going to try really hard not to default into, like, the bad British accent.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] The Incident Report, it’s already happening.

[MORE LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Okay, well, I will introduce the game we are playing, I suppose.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Cheers!

LUKA

So, today we are playing Vast & Starlit by Epidiah Ravachol, I hope that I said that right. Okay, um, basically, we are all escaped convicts, and we’ve stolen this ship.

LAUREN

Oh. Wild.

JESSE

Oh, we stole the ship?

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER AND CHATTER.]

LAUREN

Interesting.

JESSE

I thought this was a prison.

VAL

We were in prison.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] No no no, we’re runnin’ away from prison!

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

So we have all done crime.

JESSE

Okay.

LAUREN

Oh, that works perfectly well.

LUKA

Yes. So, this is mostly an improv-based game. We all have made characters. And the other thing is there—[STUTTERING] I am taking on the role of “GM.” That’s not a very strict role.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

I am here to move the story along. I also have a character. Very excited about it. Um, but I guess we can just kind of get into introducing our characters first, and we have a few questions that we have to ask each other. And then we get to design our ship a little bit. And then we will get going, and we will end up playing out some scenes together until the vibes signal that we are done.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Uh, so I don’t know who wants to introduce their character first.

VAL

Do you wanna go first, Luka? Just to give an example?

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] I can.

VAL

[STUTTERING] ‘Cause you know the most about this game.

LUKA

Also, we can do questions as we introduce our characters, so I guess I can go over that first.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Okay.

LUKA

And then I can go first, and we can just go with me as an example. So, we have character questions we get to ask each other after we have been introduced. One of them needs to be off of this list. I’m just going to say it, and if you need a reminder, I’ll say it again. But, we have to ask each other at least one of these three: “What are you willing to do to be captain?”, “How would we be better off if you led?”, and “What do we lose by not listening to you?”

However, the other four questions can be anything.

LAUREN

Anything?

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] They are just—yes, anything.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Yes, anything. Anything about your character. And like, I’ll say this: I’ll give you my description, you can be like, “Where’d you get that scar?” And I’ll have to answer you.

LAUREN

Oh, I’m so excited.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] You get to choose things for me.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

So, I guess I will introduce my character, and we will go through the first round of questions.

So, my character is named Atticus Ashfield. [THEN, QUIETER] We don’t need to get into it. I understand they sound like X-character that is unreleased from Micro-Cosmos. We don’t need to talk about it.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Um, so, basically, Atticus Ashfield had a nice, nice, comfy radio career. You know, they’re chilling, they’re chilling. But then one day, they got a little too enthusiastic doing this bit about setting off fireworks in a library, and they did get arrested. ‘Cause people were like, “Oh, maybe—this doesn’t sound like someone doing a bit. This sounds like someone who’s planning to set off fireworks in the most treasured library on this planet.” So they were preemptively arrested.

Um, some more fun facts about them. I don’t actually remember what the thought process behind this was, but I’m gonna read it off the document. It says that they are a fish descendant, and they look like Gill from Monster High, but green and without the helmet.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

I don’t remember writing that, but I do think it’s important.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Uh-huh?

LUKA

So. Yeah.

VAL

Yeah. Alright, um.

LUKA

I guess we can go in a circle.

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Alright, um, what are the mandatory questions again?

LUKA

One of them has to be, “What are you willing to do to be captain?”, “How would we be better off if you led?”, or “What do we lose by not listening to you?”

VAL

Okay, I’ll go—I’ll go first. Um, what do we lose by not listening to you?

LUKA

Oh, should I respond in like, the weird voice I’m gonna do?

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Yes.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Yeah.

LUKA

Yeah, why not?

ATTICUS

[WITH AN ENERGETIC SPEAKING VOICE] Well I mean, honestly, probably not a whole lot, but I am charismatic, so you’ll lose a little bit of entertainment.

VAL

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] It sounds like Will Wood.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Thank you. I do my best.

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING] Okay, well, what happened to the orphans?

[LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

[IRRITATED] I did a good solid report on those, and no one needs to know what happened afterwards. What I do in my spare time is my business.

[LAUGHTER.]

JESSE

The blank stare.

[MORE LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

Question, um, okay here we go- how am I supposed to— [SHE LAUGHS.] How am I supposed to follow that up?

Um, look, they just wanna know where the body’s buried. Can you please tell us?

[LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

The family wants to know.

ATTICUS

[OVERLAPPING] I just—hey, listen. I just told this other person that what I do in my spare time is my business, and they’re orphans! What family?

[LAUGHTER, CRIES?]

LAUREN

Okay!

VAL

We’ve already gotten into murder, and I don’t think that’s the best place to start—

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] We’ve already gotten into—

LUKA

Of course. It happens.

Okay, so that’s three questions. We’re gonna do two more.

VAL

Um, can you explain your whole fashion...thing, you have going on?

ATTICUS

Oh, I call this, um, revival of the 2014 Tumblr era from uh, Terran Society.

[LAUGHTER.]

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] No.

VAL

So true.

ATTICUS

Do you like my shoelaces?

LAUREN & VAL

No.

ATTICUS

Why not?

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] I don’t— [SHE SIGHS.]

ATTICUS

Okay.

LUKA

One more.

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Jes, it’s on you.

JESSE

What do you have to say about the kin list scandal?

[LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

I don’t like being called an apologist, okay?

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

[CONT.] But if I see one more person—one more person—say that I— [THEN, IN A HUSHED TONE] That I kin from alpha-beta-omega fics, I’m going to snap.

[LAUGHTER.]

ATTICUS

It was a one-time thing.

[HORRIFIED BEAT OF SILENCE.]

VAL

We’ve set a precedent for the rest of this game, now.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING, STUTTERING] I—there’s so many layers here.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] So you have—I had, like, a quirky little radio host coming into this, but you have redefined their entire personality, which is exactly what I was hoping would happen.

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Um.

LAUREN

Uh huh. Yeah.

LUKA

Okay, so. That was five, who wants to go next?

VAL

Um, Jes and Lauren, your characters are like connected, right?

LAUREN

Yeah.

LUKA

That’s about to get absolutely destroyed. [LAUGHTER]

VAL

Okay, I’ll go, I’ll go next then and then we can, we can do that in a bit, um. Right, okay. I’m gonna have to come up with a character voice on the spot, I should’ve thought of this in advance, but-

LUKA

Well, apparently mine was just Will Wood, so-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Uh huh.

VAL

I mean, radio host, Life in the World to Come, that’s fitting. Um anyways. Uh, my character’s name is Honey Comberbatch. Um-

LUKA

[STRAINED] Say it one more time?

VAL

Honey Comberbatch. It’s like Cumberbatch but it’s comb like honeycomb.

LUKA

Mmhmm.

VAL

Um- and basically to sum it up, um, when her and her wife got divorced, she was very upset about it and she knew her wife was a big advocate of Save the Bees because her wife was like a bee-hybrid-person kind of thing, it’s like- it’s a weird thing. Anyways- her wife was a big advocate of Save the Bees. It got lost in translation to “Legalize Bees.” And Honey- Honey Comberbatch got so enthusiastic about it that A: they were being a public disturbance, but the main thing they got arrested for was they burned down a honey shipment plant. Cause they thought they were freeing the bees from-from their labor, but no, they just- they just burnt down a bunch of trucks.

[LAUGHTER AND A FEW UNINTELLIGIBLE COMMENTS]

LAUREN

I love Bee Movie.

VAL

[LAUGHING] Yep. Yeah that’s basically what it is. Um. Woman gets divorced, um, burns down a honey shipment plant. Now she’s here.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] That’s what happens in Bee Movie last time I checked.

LUKA

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

Exactly.

LUKA

Um… Okay.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Alright. I think I am gonna have to go with the British accent for this character also cause Comberbatch- and Cumberbatch.

LUKA

Mhmm.

LAUREN

There’s a lot of Tumblr stuff happening um-

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] We have Benedict Cumberbatch-

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] It wasn’t intentional-

VAL

We have um, shoelaces.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

[STRAINED] Shoelaces?

LUKA

I have so many regrets already.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Certain things that are just unspeakable, um, you know.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] This was a great idea. Alright.

LUKA

Sooo, let’s just start with questions. Is it Jes? I don’t know, we don’t have to go in an order.

JESSE

Sorry my Wifi is so bad so you guys keep cutting out but- oh, okay, um. What would you be willing to do to become captain of the ship?

HONEY

I mean, we already know I’m experienced with fire, don’t we. I mean, I’m willing to do it again.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I also like that we’ve already set a precedent for two semi-arsonists in the crew. It’s very fun.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

The Daniel Jacobi kinnies: they did not come to play this time.

VAL

I don’t think Honey is a “semi-arsonist,” she burned down a honey shipment.

[OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER]

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Atticus was going to be an arsonist and then they got arrested. Jacobi’s on Atticuss’s kin list actually. That was the scandal.

LAUREN

Hh… Oh.

VAL

That was the scandal.

LUKA

Okay, but I think Lauren you’re next?

LAUREN

Yeah I was gonna ask why you um threw the priceless wedding ring into the ocean.

LUKA

[IN THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TERRIBLE BRITISH ACCENT] Someone just finished watching an episode of Hannibal, I see.

[QUIET LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

I was thinking about Titanic and- but okay.

LUKA

Oh.

LAUREN

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] But I know which one you’re talking about.

[MORE LAUGHING]

HONEY

You know, after she left me, you know I was just… I was just so heartbroken, you know? I just- I just did it without thinking. I mean I tried to swim after it, I mean I regretted it of course, but you know. Then I ended up almost drowning and it was a whole thing. You know I’m good with fire, not water.

[BRIEF LAGHTER]

LUKA

Why is your hair that color?

HONEY

Sometimes, you know, interesting things happen when you do a home dye. Sometimes you’re hoping to get sort of, um, sort of a purple-pink ombre and instead you get more of a color that hasn’t been named yet and you think it’s from another planet. You know sometimes you order from a brand you never heard of, um, with no reviews, and sometimes it doesn’t turn out that well.

[LAUGHTER]

JESSE

Alright. Um. Who took the kids.

HONEY

[SADLY] She did.

LAUREN

Ahhhh.

HONEY

Been asking to see them for um, for a couple months now. But she always says they’re busy. Busy with school. Um, if you’re hearing this, please. I’ve been paying child support, I’ve been, just please. Next question.

LAUREN

So-

VAL

This is the last one, right?

LUKA

Yeah.

LAUREN

Mhmm. But the pressure’s on. Uh… I mean you hate to ask, but like the bee to humanoid makeup of the kids… has that been interfering in any way?

[LAUGHTER]

HONEY

I mean… Our- our kids have special needs, special dietary needs. You know, we make do. I mean, it’s pretty common on her home planet, so she knew what to do. Maybe that’s why she got the kids, I don’t know. [DEFENSIVE] I know how to do it too, I was there when they were born. I know how to feed them, just as well. Even if I don't have bee parts.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Ahh, man.

VAL

Anyways, I’m glad that’s over.

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] Okay so which of you wants to go first?

JESSE

Okay I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go. So I’m playing Lord Jensen Jarvis Aloisias Augustine Maximillian Rupert Edmund Cedric von Marius Desmond Constantine Remington III.

LUKA

Okay what was the first name?

JESSE

Lord Jensen Jarvis Aloisias Augustine Maximillian Rupert Edmund Cedric.

[DEAD SILENCE]

LUKA

Jensen.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Lord. I’ll give you a ‘lord’.

JESSE

Um, and so-

LAUREN

I can’t say the words, I don’t wanna get copyrighted cause I was about to launch into like…

JESSE

Um, so I was a prince at this really big, you know, kingdom, but unfortunately my parents did kick me out, um, because I didn’t take my tea the way they like it, so. Um, they kicked me out and I became a pirate, uh, and you know it was all good you know being a pirate- everyone loves being a pirate- until I tried to uh pickpocket this beautiful woman and she had no money. And so we just kinda, we kept talking and you know one thing led to another and now we’ve been married about twenty-three times. And, um, the reason I’m here is because I want to break so many laws. And the specific reason this time was I was arrested for un-bounce-ifying all of the pickles in Con-nect-icut-26. Um, but the thing is they arrested me while I was doing acrobatics on a bike in Ill-noise-42. So, you know, uh, it is what it is. I try- I try my hardest.

LUKA

Mhmm.

VAL

Alright. So should I start again? Questions?

LUKA

Um, I dunno the order I think Lauren is next. Yes.

LAUREN

I’m just trying to remember what the question was that we haven’t had yet from the list?

LUKA

Uh, we haven’t had: How would we be better off if you led?

LAUREN

So how would we be better off if you led?

JENSEN

Um, well every- everybody wants a sexy captain.

[LAUREN LAUGHING]

JENSEN

You- advertisement. Advertisement. It’s all about advertisement these days. Monetization.

LUKA

Oh, yeah. Okay, um. So I noticed, uh, the way you said an interesting name. Could you pronounce- this is a terrible question but I just need to hear it so I’m gonna say it and I think it will say a lot about you as a person. How do you pronounce the phrase: O-H-I-O?

JENSEN

O-ee-o.

LUKA

Mhmm. Mm. Mhm. Okay. Good. Got it.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Stick the landing. Uh huh.

VAL

I like to think that like in the galaxy they’re from this is like a big- this is like our version of like “gif or jif.” Like it’s a big thing like everyone says it different.

LUKA

Well I’m thinking about how we’ve been making Cecil Palmer jokes about umm… throughout this recording.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Oh yeah.

LUKA

And very specifically, Jes chose to play a character who can’t say Connecticut. Which I think is really funny. Um, but anyways, moving right along.

VAL

What was the reason for your last divorce?

JENSEN

Well, you know, sometimes it- it’s very difficult to find a common ground when your wife can’t get past the fact that you like to drink Cherry Blossom Body Spray. Um, so.

[LAUGHTER AND HORRIFIED GASPS]

JENSEN

Things happen sometimes. It was very hard for both of us.

VAL

Mhmm. I imagine.

LAUREN

[STRAINED] Uh huh. [LAUGHTER] Um, why specifically, uh, Cherry Blossom body spray and have you managed to overcome that since remarrying?

JENSEN

No. Cherry Blossom body spray has a way of coating the throat- the orifices in a way- [LOSING IT SLIGHTLY] like no other. I do also, sometimes, drink Peach body spray and Cucumber perfume. It varies day to day.

LAUREN

Uh huh.

VAL

I see.

LUKA

Okay. [THEY CLEAR THEIR THROAT] Uh, I guess this is the last one. What is your favorite part about your hat?

JENSEN

Well, I really, I really enjoy the raccoons that live underneath it.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

You brought raccoons with you to prison because you stuffed them under your hat? They’ve just been chilling.

JENSEN

I can introduce you to them if you want.

LUKA

Oh, please! Please do.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING]Yes.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Please.

JENSEN

Alright. Well, um, this. This is an audio medium. This one is called Jeremy, and he really loves bodily fluids. Ah-.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Oh?

JENSEN

This one- this one is called Vivian and she really enjoys the movie Ratatouille made by Disney and Pixar.

LUKA

That’s an old one.

VAL

So true.

JENSEN

Yeah, and this one, um, is simply called, um, Wet and Wild PhotoFocus Concombre 3-in-1 Base Allure, um, and she-

[LAUGHTER]

JENSEN

She really enjoys, um, uh... reading me little bedtime stories. So those are my raccoons.

VAL

Cheers.

LAUREN

Cheers.

LUKA

[STRAINED] Alright, Lauren?

FRIDAY Alright, so, my name is Friday Jones, uh, and you might have already met my husband, uh, I just call him Jensen, he’s really got this long sort of name that nobody’s got the time to say. But, uh, little bit about me! I grew up on a livestock transport ship, a fairly large sort of thing, and I used to, like, ride the cows from and to end and it was like, just lil’ ol’ me! Bouncing along on the cows! And it was really a lot of fun. And it’s also sorta where I got my proficiency for firearms.

[CHUCKLES]

FRIDAY

So, uh, but you know, got to be a little bit of a nuisance on the ship, I don’t really know what happened, it was probably a mistake, but my family did leave me. On a farm planet. Uh, tender age of nine years old. Um…

VAL Damn.

FRIDAY And then, you know, uh, you gotta do what you gotta do to make money! As far as, uh, guns go, so, uh, you know… turned to maybe some activities that kinda may be a little bit violent. Maybe a little illegal. But, that is how I met- well, sort of, it’s how I… I met my husband, and, like you said, I kinda lost track, I believe it was 22 times we’ve been married? Something like that. And… I made the mistake of trying to break my husband out of prison, and got caught in the process, and then… there was a successful jailbreak, which I am mighty happy about.

LUKA

Mhm.

VAL

Cheers.

LUKA Alright!

[LAUGHTER]

JESSE

Sorry, I realized while you were reading that- that I read the wrong side of the bottle, and that there is an English side.

LUKA

Uh huh!

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

What do we lose by not listening to you?

FRIDAY

Whole lotta expertise with firearms, thats for starters. Um, I know a good thing or two about cows! So, I mean, you’re losing a lot of… cow knowledge.

LUKA

[IN AN EXAGGERATED NEW YORK/BOSTON ACCENT.] Well, we don’t wanna lose any cow knowledge, do we?

VAL

Shut the fuck up.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN Where was I? Cow knowledge? Okay.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING.] Uh. Cow knowledge.

FRIDAY

And a general sense of security and brain cells, I think.

LUKA

Well that’s a… that’s a quite rude implication, Ms. Jones!

[LAUGHER]

FRIDAY

[OVERLAPPING.] Didn’t say I was nice!

LUKA

[IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, okay. I’m turning into the….

LAUREN [OVERLAPPING.] I was like, I know who this is but the listeners do not.

LUKA

[STILL USING ACCENT.] Arthur’s joined the call. Arthur’s joined the call now. Alright.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL How come you never learned how to use a phone?

FRIDAY When you’re on a livestock ship, what do you need a phone for? You got cows! You got cows that you can ride from end to end of the ship! What- what- you need to waste your time, talking to people when you can just talk to cows! And then when you get on a farm planet, well, same thing, you’re talking to corn! You’re not talking to people on the phone! What do you need that for?! What do you need that for? And also they scare me but that’s- I’m not ready to get that vulnerable with y’all, you know?

[LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

Hm.

JESSE [IN A BRITISH ACCENT.] Alright, who’s turn is it?

LUKA

Yours.

JESSE

[IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT.] Um. When were you planning on telling- darling, when were you planning on telling me about the superpowers?

[LAUGHTER.]

FRIDAY

Do you know how hard it is to manage new superpowers when you get to be a woman of my age that’s already established herself as a sort of crime… division, the other side of that? I was gonna tell you as soon as you stopped drinking that Cherry Blossom nonsense! All the time! Just drinking us outta house and home! So maybe you gotta give a little to get a little, Jensen.

JENSEN

Yes, darling.

LUKA

So I know you don’t like Cherry Blossom, but, like, what is your favorite flavor to drink?

FRIDAY

Unfortunately, my friend, I cannot “yes… and” you on that one. Um…

[LAUGHTER.]

FRIDAY

My new friend, uh, because, you know, one thing you gotta know about Friday: there’s a line! And drinking the Cherry Blossom whatever that is not supposed to go in your mouth or oraphaces is beyond that line. So I will not be partaking in that.

LUKA

[MIMICKING FRIDAY.] In that sinful drink.

FRIDAY That’s devil’s brew! I’m convinced!

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Alright…

LUKA Not the devil’s brew.

[LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Alright, last question.

LUKA

Yee.

VAL

What happened to the family cat? FRIDAY

I… uh… Wh- when you get left on a farm planet with a cat that has never been on solid ground, and you are nine years old, and also you know, you you got to make a little bit of mon-

You sell the cat. I do regret it, every day, because then I didn’t have any friends.

[LAUGHTER]

FRIDAY (CONT’D)

Um, but… it’s okay. So there was a transaction, probably the last legal one of my entire life, where I sold the cat to a very nice family who needed a milk supply for the winter.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Don’t you live on a cow farm?

FRIDAY This was after the cow- this was after the cows! This was after- I wish!

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Okay. Got it.

FRIDAY

You know, you can milk a cat too, you can milk anything you try hard enough.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I see! Alright, so, I feel that we are well introduced.

VAL

Uh-huh.

LUKA

So, next questions we answer together.

JESSE

Okay.

LUKA

We gotta bounce ideas off each other, and we’re gonna be designing our ship.

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING] Amazing. LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] Okay.

LUKA

So, number one: how is our vessel unique?

VAL

Hmm. LAUREN

I always think it’s really cool when spaceships have, like, cloaking devices, or stuff, and stuff like that, in sci-fi.

LUKA

I was gonna say it’s transparent.

LAUREN

Ooh! Same brain.

LUKA

Combo that.

LAUREN

Yes.

LUKA

It’s like a glass house. [LAUGHING} You can just see everything that’s inside.

[VARIOUS LAUGHTER AND UNINTELLIGIBLE REACTIONS]

JESSE

Oh, oh my god, Friday, are you Wonder Woman? Is this your invisible jet?

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

[LAUGHS] O- [STUTTERING] Okay. Can I, um-

LUKA

What if- do we- what if we think it has a cloaking device, but it’s just made of transparent material.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING AT THE START] It’s the complete opposite. [STUTTERING] You can see directly into the ship. Um, maybe it’s some sort of, like, um, we think it’s like a two-way mirror scenario, whatever those are called. We think cause we can see out everywhere, and we think that it’s like a mirror on the other side that like reflects the void of space, so we’re completely cloaked- No. It’s just a glass ship.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

[CHANTING] Glass ship! Glass ship!

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING AND CHANTING] Glass ship!

LUKA

Now I really like this next question, I think you’re gonna like it too. How is it quirky or temperamental? VAL

I mean, we were just talking about 2014 Tumblr.

LAUREN

Oh no.

VAL

I do-

JESSE

We stole it from the President.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Yes.

VAL

I was gonna say, I think that the corners of the ship are in fact sorted based off of 2014 Tumblr fandoms.

LUKA

And that also ties into temperamental.

LAUREN

Yeah.

LUKA

I think.

LAUREN

Oh, yeah, definitely. Um, I do also like it being stolen from the President because I think if we’re gonna go- If we’re gonna get in the wayback machine we might as well just commit to it.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

Yeah. Okay, so this next question is basically what’s going to be [IN A SLIGHTLY GERMAN ACCENT] driving ze plot. Not to… I don’t know why I did that.

[LAUGHTER]

JESSE

[IN A BRITISH ACCENT] Felix Couvillion.

LUKA

[IN A GERMAN ACCENT] Felix Couvillion joining ze crew for today.

[THEY RESUME THEIR NATURAL ACCENT] Um-

VAL

Cheers.

LUKA

What does it lack that we need?

LAUREN

Ummm….

VAL

A sense of family.

[LAUREN SIGHS ADORINGLY]

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

You know what this ship needs? It’s some love.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Okay. Mhm. Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

Maybe the real ship parts was the friends we made along the way.

LAUREN

[OVERLAPPING] The ship is powered by love. VAL

Yes.

LAUREN

And it’s about to fall out of the sky-

VAL

Yep.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA Okay! Well the note that I had that was gonna drive the plot was that the engine was breaking, but I think that’s a metaphor for these bonds that our characters have, that are just- they’re being torn apart. They’ve gotta fix this family one way or another.

VAL

Yeah, no, the friendship dies, the ship dies.

LUKA

Okay, so, I think that’s pretty solid! So now we have to answer some individual questions on the ship. There’s two, they’re- I’ll ask them to each of you. I can start, if we want. So, first one is: how is the vessel home? Well, I think Atticus, as, um, someone who has built their image in 2014 Tumblr walked onto this skip and was like ‘Ah, finally. This is it.’

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

This is the Tumblr, like, island that people would post about back in the day.

LUKA

Yep.

VAL

This is what it’s like.

LUKA

Um, and the other question is: where do you find sanctuary in it? I think Atticus lives wherever the Superwholock corner is.

VAL

That’s what I was gonna say.

LAUREN I was gonna suggest the ball pit? [LAUGHTER]

LUKA Oh, no, you’re right! Atticus finds sanctuary in the ball pit! LAUREN [OVERLAPPING] I don’t want to like, push in on your thing, but-

LUKA

No, no, no, you’re right. I think the ball pit is like, right next door, to the Superwholock corner.

[VARIOUS UNINTELLIGIBLE REACTIONS]

LUKA (CONT’D) I think maybe the Superwholock corner is the bridge, and then there’s like, the ball pit is like, in the bridge-

JESSE

[OVERLAPPING PROTESTS] The ball pit is the bathroom.

LAUREN

[STRAINED] Do not! [LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Why did you have to do that to me?

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA (CONT’D) When you go in the bridge, Atticus, um, asks you if you have an extra hour in the ball pit.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA (CONT’D) So I guess who wants to go next?

[VARIOUS UNSURE SOUNDS] JESSE

Um, I can go?

LUKA

[IN A BRITISH ACCENT] Alright, alright, alright, Lord Jensen. How is the vessel home?

JENSEN

Well, it’s home to me, because, um, my raccoons are here.

[QUIET LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I think the raccoons like the ball pit, probably. JESSE

Yep.

LUKA

Um, where do you find sanctuary in it?

JENSEN

I really like, um, [STUTTERING] The forbidden section of the ship that has Danganronpa discourse posts. [LAUGHTER]

[VARIOUS REACTIONS OF DISGUST AND DISAPPROVAL]

JENSEN (CONT’D)

Uh, but also I spend a lot of time in the dark academia section as well.

LAUREN

Uh… I…

LUKA

So true.

LAUREN

[STUTTERING] Okay, yeah, uh, uh-huh.

LUKA

Alright, [STUTTERING] Honey or Friday? Who’s next? VAL

Um, I’m trying to remember every Tumblr subculture that exists cause all my brain is giving me is Homestuck and I’m not doing that.

LUKA

Yeah, who’s taking on the Homestuck burden? [LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

I know nothing of this media [STUTTERING], so I probably shouldn’t.

LUKA

[STRAINED] I unfortunately do.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA (CONT’D)

Can we cut that out?

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] Can we cut out the admission of guilt in there?

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER, STUTTERING] So, I guess, uh, Honey, how is the vessel home?

HONEY

You know, after… after the divorce, I was kind of a wanderer, um, you know, I really didn’t have anywhere to go, I was just kind of drifted from planet to planet, and this is the first vessel I’ve been on that really- that really feels like, you know, I could settle down in here, take off my boots, you know, have a nice warm cup of, um, tea, without honey, because you know those bees are overworked as shit.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

The bees need to unionize.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] Where do you find sanctuary in it?

VAL

So… so I do think Honey finds sanctuary, in the, um, in the- [STUTTERING] I did the first half in character, I could probably do the second half.

HONEY

You know, um, I actually quite like the, um, the Welcome to Night Vale, um, little- little like, communications room. Just because, you know, they have all- I like, I like all the characters, um… [PURPOSEFULLY MISPRONOUNCED WITH A HARD C] C-Ceecil? And- and Carlos and I just think of what could have been, you know?

[ASSORTED MHMMS FROM THE OTHERS]

LUKA

Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

Cheers.

LUKA

Um, Friday. How is the vessel home?

FRIDAY

Well, um, vessel’s a lot homier than being an orphan on a planet ya don’t know. Um, and I like it because it’s about as big as- it’s home because it’s about as big as the one that I spent the beginning of my life on, so I can like close my eyes and kinda imagine that maybe there’s some cows or something like that.

LUKA

Mhmm. Where do you find sanctuary in it?

LAUREN

Um, that would be uh, the gun range.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] And that’s the Homestuck one.

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I don’t know why we said the ball pit was the bathroom when Homestuck Sharpie Bath was right there.

[MORE LAUGHTER]

LAUREN

There is… guys…

LUKA

Okay, well.

LAUREN

That was great, I have to be going now.

[EVEN MORE LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Okay, well. We are done with our questions.

VAL

Are we starting the game now?

LUKA

We are starting the game now.

VAL

Alright.

LAUREN

[WHISPERED] Alright.

VAL

Tune in next for part two, which, unfortunately, has more Tumblr jokes.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

[heartofether]

Bonus Episode #3 - Leave a Message TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

VAL

Hey there! Val here with a couple of special announcements before our third bonus episode. First off, our season two release date has been set and will soon be announced. Before then, however, we have an abundance of teasers and bonus content coming your way. Be sure to follow us on Twitter and Tumblr to keep up with all of our new releases.

Second, do you want to talk to other Heart of Ether fans, either about the show or whatever else your heart desires? We now have an official Discord server! We have automatic roles, specialized channels, daily quotes and question of the day, and in the future, we may use it to host special events. The invite link is on our socials and our Carrd, and we would love it if you joined us!

Last but certainly not least: we all like tea, right? What about podcast-themed tea? That’s right, you can now buy The Heart of Ether-themed tea with the help of Adagio Teas! (not sponsored, just using the service) A portion of the proceeds will go to The Trevor Project, which helps provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth. The link to browse our tea collection will be in the description of this episode, or on our socials if you want to look there.

Right, I’m done with my rambling. Here’s another bonus fluff episode—and this time I at least 90% mean it! Talk to you soon!

AUTOMATED VOICE

Please state your message.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]

[THE DIALOGUE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE EPISODE IS SLIGHTLY MUFFLED, AS IF THEY ARE SPEAKING OVER THE PHONE.]

ROSE

Hi! This is Rosemary Quinn. Unfortunately, I’m not able to return your call right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a lovely day!

[PHONE BEEP.]

IRENE

Hey, it’s Irene. I just wanted to check and see when you’d be coming over? Text me and let me know if you have an estimate.

Oh, and my dad is going to the store, so I know you mentioned wanting to make brownies? Did you mean, like, from scratch or is just a box mix fine? ‘Cause I’m good with whatever. Just text me what you need, and I’ll ask him to pick it up. See you later! Bye!

[PHONE BEEP.]

IRENE

Hey. It’s Irene. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks.

[PHONE BEEP.]

ROSE

Hi, Irene! I’m sorry to call, but you said you were having some issues with your texts, so I thought this would be a safer bet. Are you available after school today? If you don’t mind, I could really use some help with the chemistry homework. You seemed to at least kind of understand it, or maybe you were just pretending like the rest of us were. [SHE GIGGLES.]

I also just am not super fond of Mr. Morrison. Nobody is. I mean, I try to be nice to him, nicer than most other students, and I think he likes me for that. It doesn’t mean he’s actually willing to be helpful, though. I think he sees me as some sort of air-headed bimbo, which is both misogynistic and presumptuous. Olivia told me he might be retiring, though, so fingers crossed?

Anyways, would we be able to meet up and work on it together? I’ll buy you a coffee for your time. Just let me know! Oh, and no need to call me back, we’ll see each other at school most likely. I just thought I’d call and ask before I forgot. I’ll talk to you later, bye!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

Hey, are you still at the school? I try to have school spirit—sometimes—but events really aren’t my thing. Maddy seemed to be into it, though, so I figured you might still be hanging out with her.

Anyways, if you decide you’re done with it, I was thinking about going to Sonic and it’d be great if you tagged along? It’s not the same when I go by myself. I’ll pay, obviously, since I’m the one inviting you. Call me back if you’re interested, and we can work something out. Alright, bye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF DISTANT CONVERSATION AS ROSE TALKS]

ROSE

Hi there, Maddy just wanted me to tell you that when you get here, make sure you go through the back door so you don’t disturb her grandparents. They’re not in a great mood tonight. You’ll have to hop the fence, but if you need help, I can go down there. I’m excited to see you! Bye!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS A SLIGHT BREEZE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

IRENE

Hey there, I just wanted to apologize for leaving in such a rush. It was just a lot, and I didn’t really, well. I honestly didn’t feel super welcome there? That’s not your fault, though. It was everyone else.

It just—I don’t want to sound rude, but it doesn’t feel like our “group” actually cares about me a lot? I mean, maybe it’s because of my interests, or because I don’t dress or act like stereotypical straight girls do. I’ve known them all since freshman year, but honestly? You’re the only one I’ve ever really clicked with.

They like you, though. Everyone does. I don’t mean that in a snarky or jealous way. Just in the way that…well, you’re Rosemary Quinn. Everyone wants to be your friend, I guess. You just have that aura.

[A BEAT, THEN, EMBARRASSED] God, I’m sorry, that’s such a weird thing to say. I’m really not good at this whole friends thing, huh? I’m surprised you’ve stuck around for this long. I called you to apologize—now for multiple things it appears—but also to tell you that if you’re looking for me, I went to the park. It’s like a five-minute walk from Maddy’s house, and I have my board with me, so that helped.

I’m sure you’re not looking for me. You’re probably having fun at Maddy’s birthday party. You texted me to ask if I was okay, though, so I guess that’s why I called. You always do. You’re the one person who’s consistently cared, who’s always checked in on me when my social anxiety kicks in and I decide to leave early. Is that how you are with everyone, or…?

Jeez, I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Just, sorry for running off, I’m at the park sitting on the swings if you need me. Bye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[SOMEWHAT DESPERATE] Hey, it’s Irene. Please call me back. I— [SHE HUFFS.] I really think we need to talk.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[DEFEATED] This is my third time trying to call you. At this point, I’m pretty certain you’re actually ignoring me.

I’m not mad, Rose. I promise I’m not. It was—it was nice! I liked it. Really liked it, actually, um. But you ran off to go home before we could really talk about it, and now it really feels like you. Well. Like you didn’t mean to, and now you regret it.

[SHE GROANS.] I’m not saying that to guilt trip you. I mean, maybe I’ve got it completely wrong. Maybe you’re scared that I didn’t like it, which isn’t true. Which would mean that we’re just walking in circles around each other, worried about what the other thinks. It would be funny if I wasn’t so worried about you.

[A BEAT, THEN] Do you wanna know the truth, Rose? I’ll tell you.

[SOFTER] Do you remember when we were building snowmen back in December, outside of the school? You made one named—god, I don’t remember. Was it Queen of the Valley? Some sort of royalty. You always come up with such extravagant names for things, it’s…

Anyways, you said what would make it perfect is if it had a crown to wear. By some absolutely absurd coincidence, I had a paper crown in my locker. I had learned to make them during study hall when I got bored. The school was still open, so I ran back inside through the empty hallways to go grab it.

When I came back outside, you grinned, your cheeks rosy and your hair still a mess from the wind that had only just died down. You took the crown from me, and you looked me in the eyes, giggling. You said, “I could kiss you right now.” Then you ran to give her majesty the crown.

And I didn’t say it. Of course I didn’t. I was too scared of that feeling I felt. I felt so warm, even with a blizzard on the horizon, and that terrified me. I wanted you to kiss me, though. I wished so badly that you had, it physically ached.

I gazed at you there, as you placed the paper crown upon the Queen’s head, Maddy rolling her eyes, but still smiling. In the moment, though, I hardly processed she was even there. I didn’t even process the groundskeeper glaring at us, or the cars driving past as teachers left for the day. As I stared at you, it was like you were the only thing I had ever known, and all I remember thinking was, “This is what will destroy me. This will be my downfall.”

[A PAUSE, THEN, HOPEFUL] But maybe it doesn’t have to be. Because you did kiss me, in the end. I’m glad you did.

Call me back, please?

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS BACKGROUND NOISE HEARD AS ROSE STANDS OUTSIDE OF HER HOUSE.]

ROSE

[SINKING INTO DISAPPOINTMENT] Hi, Irene! Just, um…just making sure we’re still going to the dance together. I’m outside my house waiting. My mom’s starting to get pretty upset with me for not being gone already, and just uh…standing here like an idiot. Won’t let me come back inside, though, because she thinks that if I’m not out here, you’ll—actually, I won’t try to understand her reasoning. I haven’t been able to for the past sixteen years.

But, um…please let me know? I’ll be waiting. Goodbye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[IRENE IS HEARD DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET HER SHOES ON AND GET OUT THE DOOR.]

IRENE

Rose, I am so, so, so sorry I’m late. I promise, I’m on my way, I’m literally—

[HER DAD CALLS OUT, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR, AND SHE CALLS BACK]

IRENE

Yeah, I’m coming!

[THEN, AS SHE'S HEARD RACING ACROSS THE CARPET] I don’t wear makeup very often and I kept messing up my eyeliner and by the time I looked at the clock—I’m sorry. I have no idea how I’m supposed to make this up to you, but I’ll be there as fast as I can, okay?

[MUTTERING, CURSING HERSELF AS SHE PACKS HER BAG] First dance I get with you and it’s the only one I’m late to. Of course it is.

[SHE'S HEARD WALKING OUT OF HER ROOM, THE DOOR OPENING.]

IRENE

Okay, I’m going outside now. I love you. See you soon.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[THIS TAKES PLACE SECONDS AFTER THE LAST ONE.]

IRENE

[SLOWLY] So. I just told you I love you. I didn't mean to, but if you feel that way, too, then great. If not, then just pretend it was a slip of the tongue and we can spend the rest of the night pretending it never happened! Yeah. Um. Yeah. See you soon.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS AMBIANCE OF THE CAFE AND PASSERBYS AS ROSE TALKS.]

ROSE

Hi, I’m outside of the cafe now! I haven’t ordered yet, so we can go in together.

[A BEAT, THEN, SOFTER] I brought something for you. Early this morning, when dawn was just barely teasing the sky, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I have no idea why I woke up in the first place. Maybe my muscles knew something I didn’t. I decided to slip out through my bedroom window, though.

If my mom noticed, she hasn’t told me yet. She knew I was going out today, but I’m sure I’ll still come home to her sitting on the couch intently, giving me that look she always does. I don’t care. She can do whatever she wants.

I got on my bike and I rode out to the park—not the one we usually go to. This one is in the opposite direction. It’s much vaster, less playset and more nature. There were flowers that had just started blooming. I picked some with the gentlest hand I could manage. I wish I had thought to bring scissors, but I hope the flowers will forgive me for my carelessness.

I thought long and hard before picking each one, making sure the colors matched just right, that the sweet scent they produced was in perfect harmony. I tied them with a ribbon I had around my wrist, and sealed it with a kiss, just for you. It took me all morning.

[A BEAT, THEN, SHE GIGGLES] Oh, wait, I think I just saw you pull in. Okay, I’ll talk to you in a second—

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

Hey. Just wanted to make sure you got home safe. I love you. Call me back when you hear this, okay?

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

ROSE

[LAUGHING] God, I must have just missed you. Yes, I got home safe. Thank you for checking, dear. Sir Griffin the Third says hello!

[TO SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD] Hey, look, it’s Irene. Say hello!

[IRENE SHIFTS. SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD IS HEARD PURRING. HE GIVES A SMALL MEOW.]

ROSE

[GIGGLING] I’ll talk to you later, I love you!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[HER VOICE CRACKING] Hey, I just saw your texts about your mom. Are you okay? Do you need me to come pick you up? You’re more than welcome to spend the night at my place. My dad said you can stay as long as you need, so don’t worry about that, okay?

I wish I could do more to help. I wish I could make her stop. Have you told your aunts about some of the stuff she’s done? They sound like good people, from what you’ve told me. I know they live far away, but still, they might be able to do something.

Right, um, just let me know if you need me to come get you. I love you. Bye.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[THERE IS RUSTLING AS ROSE LOOKS THROUGH HER BAG.]

ROSE

Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. I just wanted to check, did I lose my bracelet at your house? I can’t find it anywhere. It’s the one you gave me, and I really, really don’t want to lose it. It’s like a good charm for me. Please text me if you find it. If not, it’s okay. It might just be somewhere I haven’t checked yet. Thank you, honey. I love you. Goodbye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF HER CAR ENGINE, ALONG WITH SOFT GUITAR PLAYING OVER THE SPEAKER.]

IRENE

Hey, I’m parked outside! It’s okay if you’re not done yet, I can wait. I know you like to take your time getting ready for dances, and it definitely pays off. You’re gonna look beautiful regardless, though, so just come out when you’re ready. Love you!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

ROSE

[TIRED] Hi. I’m sorry to call you so late. To be frank, I didn’t expect you to pick up at all, but I know you’ll hear this in the morning. I hope you’re sleeping well, by the way. I— [SHE YAWNS.] I can’t sleep. That’s not unusual, but I’ve just been thinking a lot.

Do you remember when you fell in the creek? It was late autumn, and even though I pulled you out just seconds after, your teeth were already clattering. I wanted to cry, you looked so miserable, but you acted like it was hardly a big deal.

That one coffee shop was the closest warm building, so I had to take you there. One of the baristas brought out some towels for you, and even gave you a free hot coffee. I should visit them again one day, if they still work there. Maybe bring them a thank-you gift.

Anyways, I gave you my jacket, which you almost refused because you didn’t want me to be cold, but I honestly didn’t even notice it. Once we were almost certain you weren’t going to catch frostbite, we went back to your car and drove back to your house.

On the way there, while we were at a stoplight, you looked at me and said, “I’m just happy it wasn’t you.”

I laughed and said, “Well, it feels like I was in there with you. I got chills just looking at you.”

You said, “Is that how relationships work? We feel each other’s pain?”

And I said, “What happens when one of us dies, then? Will the other die, too?”

And you said, “I hope so. I can’t imagine life without you.”

“But what if you could just live your life for me?” I said. “If one of us dies early, the other should have to live double the life to make up for it.”

You hummed, and then said something I’ll never forget: “I may continue living, but that doesn’t mean I’ll like it. Life is so wonderful when you’re in the world.”

And I should have told you, then, that whatever wonder I bring is only because of you. Every time you smile, or say something stupid, or brush your hair out of your face, there’s a bit more color in the world. I think our colors bleed together, then. You are a universe in my hands and I love you more than both of our lifetimes could ever contain.

And I didn’t have the words to describe it all until right this moment. I couldn’t afford to forget.

So, I love you. In this life and the next. Goodnight, dear.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[IRENE'S DAD IS HEARD TALKING ON THE PHONE IN ANOTHER ROOM. ON THE MIC, IRENE IS HEARD QUIETLY CRYING. THERE ARE FOOTSTEPS OUT IN THE HALL. THE DOOR OPENS.]

DETECTIVE

[DISTANT] Ms. Gray, could I please speak to you?

[A PAUSE AS IRENE SOBS.]

IRENE

[QUIET, SHAKILY] Please pick up.

[PHONE BEEP.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today's quote is: “Foul smell of the things that we do to escape There is no glamour in this. No rock and roll. This is just endings. This is just grief.”

Kate Tempest in Hold Your Own, 2014.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

[heartofether]

Season One Q&A - Part One TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

VAL

Hey, there. Just wanted to let you all know that after we recorded our season one Q&A, we decided that because it ran so long, it would be a much better listening experience if we cut it into two parts. So, what you are listening to right now is part one. If you asked a question and you don’t hear it in this part, I can guarantee you it will be in the second one. Thank you all so much and enjoy the Q&A!

[MUSIC PLAYS FOR A FEW SECONDS]

LUKA [AS THE MUSIC FADES]

Hello everyone, welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

[VAL LAUGHS.]

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] An advice show for the modern era. I guess, should I just try it and then if it sounds really bad, like, I’ll immediately back out?

VAL

Yeah, you can try.

LUKA

Hello, everyone. Welcome to The Heart of Ether season one Q&A! [THEY HUFF A LAUGH.] How are you feeling today, Val?

VAL

Feeling great. [BEAT] Was that it?

LUKA

That sounded like something.

[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]

LUKA

Should we introduce ourselves? I don’t know.

[PAUSE.] Um. I mean, probably.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

That would be good. [BEAT] Do you want to go first? [THEY LAUGH.]

VAL

Yeah. Um, my name is Val. I’m the writer and producer of The Heart of Ether, as well as the voice of Rosemary Quinn.

LUKA

Woo!

VAL

You’ve probably heard me say that several times at the beginning of episodes by now.

LUKA

[SMALLER] Woo!

VAL

So—

LUKA

Cheers.

VAL

Cheers.

LUKA

And— [THEY LAUGH.] Who am I? My name—nope. I’m gonna start that sentence over.

[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]

LUKA

And I’m Luka Miller! I play Irene, and I make music—no, I don’t. Yeah, I do.

[MORE LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

[CONT.] I do the music for the show.

So, we got a lot—I sound so disinterested. I’m not, I promise. I’m just trying to be cohesive.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING, THROUGH LAUGHTER] You’re fine, you’re fine.

LUKA

So we got sent a lot of very good questions. I’m going to moderate, I guess. Moderate is the worst word I could use—

VAL

In quotation marks.

LUKA

“Moderate” in quotation marks. There’s two people here, and I’m asking the questions. Interviewer? Question mark? That’s fine.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Wow, that’s so fancy.

LUKA

Okay, so, I was going to save my question for last, but I think it’s actually a good intro question. 

VAL

Okay.

LUKA

So starting right off the bat.

VAL

Okay.

LUKA

This is a question from me. Are you ready?

VAL

[SOMEWHAT NERVOUSLY] Yeah?

LUKA

So you bring this up in an episode, and I felt the need to ask it to where there was an answer. I think it’s Episode 7? If it’s not Episode 7, it’s not—that’s going to look really bad on me.

[VAL LAUGHS.]

VAL

It’s fine, it’s fine.

LUKA

Every time I think something happened, I say it’s in Episode 7.

[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]

LUKA

Um. Who was Irene’s anime crush in middle school?

VAL

See, you’re the one asking me that, but you’re the one who knows her name. ‘Cause I haven’t seen this—’cause we talked about this. We had a discussion about this, but I don’t remember the girl’s name.

LUKA

Okay, ‘cause I was—okay, ‘cause here’s the thing: I know who we kind of agreed on when we first had the conversation, but I was wondering if we had, like, settled on it.

VAL

I hadn’t given it any additional thought. I mean, I guess like...haven’t watched an anime in long enough to like, come up with a cohesive thought about who it would be.

LUKA

Um, the original answer was Bishamon from Noragami. [PAUSE] Because—

VAL

I—

LUKA

[CONT.] Because that was my, uh— [WHEEZE] Uh, can we edit that out?

[VAL LAUGHS.]

LUKA

That’s a joke. You can leave it in, but like— [THEY LAUGH.] I am exposing myself a little bit here. She’s kinda sexy.

VAL

I mean—you know what? I think that’s an acceptable answer.

LUKA

Yeah?

VAL

Like, I think that’s solid.

LUKA

Okay.

VAL

I can’t think of anything better.

LUKA

Okay. I just figured the people needed to know, so I wanted to throw it in there.

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Now the people know.

LUKA

The people know.

Okay, so, the next ten questions are all from the same person. Shoutout to Jes.

VAL

Truly a homie.

LUKA

Jesse Smith. We love you. The light of my life. I feel like this just sounds like I’m just talking to some random person, uh—Jes is everything. We love Jes.

[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]

VAL

Jes, um—

LUKA

We know Jes personally. It’s not weird, I promise.

VAL

For context of the show, Jes is voice of Dr. Michaels in Episode 7. Kinda forgot that happened, not gonna lie.

LUKA

Yeah, Jes—Jes in the show. Cheers. Good for them.

VAL

Cheers.

LUKA

I wonder if Jes will ever be in the show again.

VAL

Wow!

LUKA

Probably—[DEADPAN] Never. They won’t.

[VAL LAUGHS.]

LUKA

Alright, number one. You’re gonna hate this question.

VAL

Okay.

LUKA

“Do you have an estimation for the season two or season two trailer release date?”

[VAL SIGHS.]

VAL

That’s a great question. [BEAT] No.

[LUKA LAUGHS.]

LUKA

The answer is soon.

VAL

Soon. I don’t have any exact dates or times for you.

LUKA

It’s written.

VAL

Season two trailer is written. The actors have read over it. Will not say who those actors are.

LUKA

It’s been cast, though. Everything is set up to get it recorded.

VAL

Yeah. Also, while trailer is technically very close to being ready, I do not want to give you guys trailer and then you have to wait, like, seven months for season two or something crazy like that. Like, I wanna wait a little bit.

LUKA

Yeah, but we do have a few things that will be going up—

VAL

Yeah, that’s true.

LUKA

[CONT.] —in the few—in the next coming weeks. 

VAL

That’s true.

LUKA

Um, some of which are very exciting. I will not—

VAL

Some of it’s still being planned.

LUKA

Shh. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it. But, exciting things coming before trailer.

VAL

Yeah, so, trailer will be coming hopefully soon, but you will also have plenty of bonus content besides trailer to look forward to. 

LUKA

This one is fun: “If the main cast of characters was in D&D, what class would they be? Additionally, do any of them actually play D&D?”

VAL

[THINKING] This one’s gonna take me a moment.

LUKA

I think—oh, I was gonna say something, but that was gonna be really dumb. Valencia Wizard. 

VAL

I think you’re right about that. I think Valencia Wizard makes a lot of sense. Dorothy, also, I guess in that case.

I think Irene would be a Druid, and that’s primarily just because forestry—

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Forest School.

VAL

[THEY CHUCKLE.] Yeah. Forest School.

Carol would be—I think Carol would just be a Fighter. Just like, a basic Fighter. I can’t think of anything better for her. Uh—me forgetting every D&D class.

Hold on, I have one: Aden would be a Bard.

LUKA

Mmhm.

VAL

And he would exclusively play Mitski songs.

LUKA

[THEY CHUCKLE.] Good for him.

VAL

Good for him.

Phoebe, I think—Phoebe might also be a Wizard. But she might—I dunno, she might also be, like, a Sorcerer? I feel like that has an energy, but I’m not sure.

LUKA

I have a suggestion.

VAL

Okay.

LUKA

You can say no.

VAL

Alright.

LUKA

Holly maybe Ranger.

VAL

I was going to say Holly Barbarian, but Holly Ranger makes a lot more sense.

LUKA

Yeah?

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

This is specifically—[CENSORED BEEP TO HIDE SPOILERS.]

[VAL LAUGHS.]

LUKA

I think makes—I think, uh, it makes sense to me.

VAL

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So, I—wait, what would Rose be?

Maybe Rose would also be a Bard? I think Rose would either be a Bard or a Monk.

LUKA

Ooh.

VAL

Like I feel like Monk has vibes.

LUKA

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think any of them actually play D&D?

VAL

I feel like Irene has at least tried to get into D&D at some point. 

LUKA

I—

VAL

Aden definitely does, um—

[THEY BOTH CHUCKLE.]

LUKA

I think Irene went to, like, one D&D club meeting in college.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

Tried to learn it, and then felt bad about herself because she couldn’t remember the rules, and then didn’t go again.

VAL

That makes a lot of sense, yeah.

LUKA

This is not from personal experience, but it’s darn close.

[VAL LAUGHS.]

LUKA

Anyways—[THEY LAUGH.] Um, number three. Well, number four, but number three off of Jes’s list.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

“Has Irene had any pets in the past? If so, what were their names?” Other than, um—well, I guess he doesn’t count. Because he’s not her cat.

VAL

Yeah. Sir Griffin the Third was Irene’s cat in spirit. Like, not actually, but it was borderline just co-parenting at a certain point.

I feel like it would make sense if at some point, in like, her initial grieving process, she tried to get some sort of pet for her dorm. So maybe she had, like, a fish? But then she got really upset when the fish died, and like didn’t have the heart to get another one. I feel like that makes sense?

LUKA

That makes sense to me, and it’s very sad.

Okay, so num— [STUTTERING FOR A FEW MOMENTS, THEN] We’ve talked about this question a little bit.

[VAL LAUGHS.]

LUKA

[CONT.] I’ll preface that. This one is not—this one I cannot say Val did not see it before we started it, because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about it, because it’s really funny to me.

It says, “Irene kin list drop?”

[PAUSE.]

VAL

Okay—

LUKA

And now, we’ve had a bit of a discussion about it, but I think there’s room for a lot more.

VAL

There’s room for a lot of improvement. Um, Moomin from Moominvalley.

LUKA

Mmhm. Abandonment issues.

VAL

Abandonment issues.

I have a really awful thought.

LUKA

What?

VAL

The tenth Doctor.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Now—

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Reason being, Rose!

LUKA

Abandon—Rose, shaking hands with abandonment issues, tenth Doctor, yeah.

VAL

Yeah. The venn diagram—

[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]

LUKA

[THROUGH LAUGHTER] So, so far, we have Moomin, the tenth Doctor—

[MORE LAUGHTER.]

VAL

Um...we kind of—we kind of talked about this. I feel like—because we all know Irene really doesn’t like Twilight, but I feel like she has consumed Twilight at some point. Like, whether she saw the movies, or read the books out of curiosity, she knows Twilight. She just doesn’t want to admit it. So I feel like some inner part of her does identify with Alice Cullen.

LUKA

Yup.

[MUTTERS] Can I say that? Is that allowed?

VAL

What is it?

LUKA

I was gonna say Duck Newton.

[VAL LAUGHS.]

LUKA

Does that make sense?

[VAL SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT IN RESPONSE.]

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Alternatively, Juno Devine. 

VAL

That’s also really good.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] I think Juno Devine, maybe.

VAL

Juno Devine has an energy.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] There’s a fine line between Duck Newton and Juno Devine, and Irene’s treading it.

VAL

Yeah. So, um, Irene Gray kin list: Moomin, tenth Doctor, Alice Cullen, some mix of Duck Newton and Juno Devine. That feels—

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] That feels pretty answered to me.

VAL

That feels good.

LUKA

Okay, number five: “What was the most fun episode to record?”

Now, this is—personally speaking, we did not sit down—like, at first, it was sitting down and being like, “Oh, we need to record this specific episode.” And then we got ahead on certain episodes that were recorded, and then had to go back in and fill in chunks.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] So I don’t think it’s necessarily, like, what episode—

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

[CONT.] Because it was not all done at once for any of them.

VAL

Yeah. And that’s difficult for me, because the episodes that I remember recording the most aren’t the ones that were the most fun.

LUKA

[WITH DREAD] Yeah.

VAL

They were the ones that were the worst to record. Cough cough, Episode 12, cough cough. [THEY LAUGH.]

LUKA

[STRETCHED OUT] Yeah.

Um—I mean, I can talk about something I think was fun—

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

[CONT.] —but was simultaneously bad.

VAL

Yeah?

LUKA

Um. You had this realization after the fact, but that every single scene in Episode 12, by the time we finished it, had to have been re-recorded at least once. 

VAL

Some of them several times.

LUKA

However, on the first take of—I think we ended up—no, we didn’t re-do Episode 11.

VAL

I don't—

LUKA

Like, I re-recorded “howdy, motherfucker” a decent amount of times, but other than that—

VAL

[OVERLAPPING] Yeah, and I’m sure—yeah, sorry, sidenote to that: you guys will at some point receive a compilation of just Irene saying “howdy, motherfucker” a bunch of times.

LUKA

It was not my highest moment, I will say that.

[THEY BOTH GIGGLE.]

LUKA

But Episode 11, the—when we went to record it, I had had surgery about two, three days before?

[MORE LAUGHTER.]

LUKA

[CONT.] Not, not on like, my arm or like, even like, my internal organs, but on my mouth. Like, in my gums.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

And so that was a whole process. Um, like obviously, we’ve left the question.

[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]

LUKA

We’ve left what was the most fun to record. But the entire time we were recording Episode 11, I was holding half of my cheek down, because if I laughed, I was going to tear my stitches. Could we have waited? Yes.

VAL

Did we?

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] Don’t be like us. [THEY LAUGH.]

VAL

Learn your lesson now.

LUKA

Um, I’m trying to think of, like, my most fun.

VAL

I guess...I don’t know. 

LUKA

For me, it was probably recording with either Ayla or Cass. So maybe, either, what, 3 or 4?

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

[OVERLAPPING] That feels like it happened six years ago.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

I don’t remember. Um, recording with Cass was a lot of fun.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

I’ll say that. So, what, Episode 3?

VAL

That makes sense, yeah.

LUKA

If that’s the wrong number, I’m gonna get dragged. [THEY LAUGH]

VAL

No. You’re right, you’re right.

LUKA

Okay. Um, I think Mitski scene—

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

—and Cass and I trying to record while her cat scratched at the door, which, that’s Frank.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

Um, we—when there’s pause in the bloopers of me going, “Frank?” It’s ‘cause he was scratching at the door, trying to get in.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

Good for him. Alright. Uh, “what was your favorite line of the season?” Well-

VAL

This one feels pretty easy. Are we thinking of the same line?

LUKA

I mean probably.

VAL

Yeah, it’s probably “Howdy Motherfucker.”

LUKA

Yeah. I personally already, and you can cut this out too. I’m sorry I’m giving you more work but it popped into my head—

VAL

It’s okay—

LUKA

It popped into my head—actually you know what would be funny? If, um, I give this whole lead up to it and then you leave it in, and then you bleep out when I say the line.

VAL

Yeah?

LUKA

That would be really funny.

VAL

Okay, yeah.

LUKA

Um, I was gonna say this and then I realized that it’s not, um, in season one. But because you sent me first drafts for season two, my favorite is [BLEEPED OUT SPOILERS]

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

That is really good.

LUKA

So that’s actually my favorite line.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA 

And it’s just bleeped out, I think that would be funny.  Anyways.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

“Howdy motherfucker.”

VAL

“Howdy motherfucker” is probably the highlight of the season.

LUKA

My alternate one is, “Well damn, Carol I don’t wanna die here.”

VAL

Yeah. [LAUGHING]

LUKA

Because of the meme that someone made edited over That 70s Show. “Damn Carol—”

VAL

I think about that—I think about that a lot.

LUKA

It’s actually one of my favorite things. [TAKES A BREATH] Um, “what are you most excited for in the future of the show?”

VAL

Um, I’m really excited to get to make merch for the show. Which, you know, we don’t really have anything officially to tell you guys yet, but we are, we are working on stuff. So generally for the show-

LUKA

Teehee.

VAL

I’m really excited for that. But also there are some very exciting moments in season two that I am super looking forward to people getting to hear.

LUKA

I’m really excited to start recording for season two.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

I think also specifically because there’s a lot of new, like, actors.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

And just having read, like, the first drafts of the first two episodes, the difference in like Irene interacting with Aden and Carol versus the characters that she’s, like, interacting with in the first two episodes of season two is, um, wildly different. Um, very excited to get bullied by other actors, I guess.

VAL

Season two just: Irene bully club.

LUKA

It is. Actually, you know what, you don’t have to listen to season two that’s it. [BEAT] Moving on.

“What is Carol’s favorite band?” I was—I don’t know why but it popped into my head Mumford and Sons.

[LAUGHTER]

VAL

See—hmm.

LUKA

Or like, Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood.

VAL

Kelly Clarkson’s an artist. Am I allowed to answer an artist instead of like—

LUKA That makes, yeah, yeah. I don’t think Jes is gonna drag you—

VAL

Am I allowed to say Jimmy Buffet?

LUKA

Yes?

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

Yeah you can I guess.  I mean if you really want to. If you wanna commit to that—

VAL

I don’t think I can, actually, hold on, I’ll edit this out, I genuinely can’t think of anything. I’m trying to think of something that’s like borderline southern but like not all the way southern.

LUKA

Florida Georgia Line.

VAL

I almost said The Mountain Goats but that feels too queer for Carol.

LUKA

Mmhmm. I feel like maybe she listens to Keith Urban.

VAL

That makes sense.

LUKA

Like I know you said borderline country and that’s straight up country, or maybe like- oh my roots are showing- um Dierks Bentley, Keith Urban.

VAL

Yeah

LUKA

Uh, what’s his name, Luke Bryan… One off naming all the country men my mother used to listen to- aw what if my mom listens to the QnA?

[LAUGHTER]

LUKA

I’m sorry, mom! Does that—

VAL

I can’t think of a better answer. I feel like, okay. Honorary answer, outside of all of the country stuff, I do feel like Carol would like Elton John.

LUKA

Yeah.

VAL

Like, just a little bit at least. Vibes. Yeah.

LUKA

Yeah. Give her credit, give her credit.

VAL

I’ll give her some credit.

LUKA

Okay. Now this one is prefaced with “This is by far the most important question.”

VAL

Okay?

LUKA

“Does Carol have horses?”

VAL

She lives in an apartment.

[LAUGHING]

LUKA

Jes, Jes is very dedicated to horse girl Carol.

VAL

Where would she put them? No Jes? Jes message me after this comes out and tell me where would Carol put them?

LUKA

I, I think you can really tell um the difference between this list of ten questions from someone that we talk to every day, versus probably the way the tables are gonna turn as soon as we move on from this chunk of questions. But, no, Jes, please explain.

VAL

Yeah. No, my messages are open.

LUKA

Okay, number ten, from Jes. Last one.

VAL

Okay.

LUKA

“How long has Aden collected knitted cats, and does he have a favorite?”

VAL

I think he’s been doing it for a couple of years. I think it’s a combination of cats that he has tried to knit himself and cats that he has found at thrift stores, yard sales, wherever he can get his hands on them.

And I think his favorite is one that he made with an eye that’s, like a little bit lopsided? Like it’s a little bit off, but he’s so attached to it because it took him so long and it was like the first he ever made, and that’s his favorite. Yeah.

LUKA

Yeah, that sounds right.

VAL

And its name?

LUKA

Oh, you’re really, you’re putting pressure on yourself. I thought we were gonna move on, but no please, tell us the name.

VAL

Its name is Pearl. That’s not a funny name, that’s just a name.

LUKA

I mean that’s good enough.

VAL

That’s good enough!

LUKA

It’s funny if you let it be.

VAL

Someone will make a joke about it.

LUKA 

Alright, we’re moving on from Jes question, we can’t be mean to the question askers.

Okay. So this is from megnotmargaret on tiktok. Now, the first question on here, I remember looking at it, and I was like, oh, well this question’s gonna be answered by the time this comes out, however there are a few things that I wanna bring up in regards to it. So the question was, “Will we be getting any bloopers?”

So the answer is obviously yes. But. I felt there were a few things that needed to be brought up. There are bloopers that we can’t find. There are specific bits of bloopers that we know exist, and when we were looking through the audio to get our bloopers out, we could not find them. So—

VAL

Also, due to like remote recording, we had some really funny excellent bits in there, like some really excellent inside jokes from recording, i.e. “vegan garlic,” that just couldn’t make it in because we didn’t record the conversation happening.

LUKA

One of my favorite ones is the clip of you in the bloopers going “uh—hello?” But you can’t hear the other end of it.

VAL

Cause—let me give the context for that. Basically, we were recording episode twelve. It was Cass and I on the call, doing Rose’s part. And while I was recording this really serious Rose monologue, Cass started singing to herself on the other end of the call, and I got really confused.

LUKA

Cass said: I’ve never seen the mute button in my life. Don’t know her.

Um, also one more thing that I wanted to say about the bloopers before we move on, because I think at some point we had it in our heads that we were gonna clarify, like at the beginning of the bloopers, but we didn’t, the clip of me saying “blah blah blah blah blah, next time I cry, I’m gonna get Helen out.” Helen is the name of my microphone. I felt the need to give a little bit of context.

VAL

Yeah.

LUKA

I do have a new microphone, it is no longer Helen, but she lives on in spirit.

VAL

Rest in peace, Helen.

LUKA

Rest in peace, love. You never got to—no I’m not gonna try and do the joke. There’s nothing in my head. The joke is—I was gonna explain the joke but… we’re recording this on Michael right now, so that’s the joke.

VAL

Yeah.

VAL [ANNOUNCEMENT, OUTSIDE OF THE CONVERSATION]

Look forward to part two coming out in two weeks. Thank you for listening!

[heartofether]

Episode 12 - Bicycle TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

[GROWING SLOWER THROUGHOUT] Please state your message.

[THEME MUSIC AND INTRODUCTION PLAYS.]

VAL

Three-Eyed Frog Presents: The Heart of Ether.

[THEME CONTINUES BEFORE COMING TO A STOP.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. THE OPEN EYES BOOKSTORE, UPSTAIRS.]

[PHOEBE AND HOLLY ARE HEARD GOING UP THE STAIRS TO THE APARTMENT.]

PHOEBE

[RUSHED] I’m so sorry I called you on such short notice, it’s just—oh, I have a bird by the way, her name is Michelle, I’m sorry I forgot to tell you, but I, anyways—it’s just that it all happened really fast, and I just need to talk about—

[AS SHE TALKS, PHOEBE IS HEARD OPENING THE DOOR TO THE APARTMENT AND CLOSING IT BEHIND HER AND HOLLY AS THEY WALK INSIDE. IN THE APARTMENT, THE OCCASIONAL CHIRPING OF MICHELLE IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

HOLLY

[OVERLAPPING] Dude, it’s chill. Really. 

Oh, and uh, I got you something. It’s from that super pretentious place around the block. I know you don’t like coffee, but I hope matcha is okay?

PHOEBE

…oh! Oh, my gosh! I didn’t even realize you were carrying anything, um—thank you! Wow. Thank you so much, er—matcha’s great! Wait, how much was it, I can—

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS.] No need to pay me back. It’s a gift. 

PHOEBE

[A BEAT, THEN, SINCERE] Thank you.

HOLLY

No problem, I’ll just set it on the table here—?

PHOEBE

That works, yeah.

HOLLY

Cool.

[HOLLY IS HEARD WALKING TO THE TABLE AND SETTING THE CUP DOWN.]

HOLLY

…so, is your friend okay?

PHOEBE

...what?

HOLLY

The one you said got attacked.

[A BRIEF PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, I er uh, heh, got distracted. But yes, they’re okay. 

HOLLY

[SHE CHUCKLES.] I gotta hand it to ‘em. Of all the things I expected to hear about when you called me, sentient mold was not on the list.

PHOEBE

I’m still not sure how it works, honestly. I’ve been trying to go through Grandma Doe’s notes, see if she had anything about the mold. At the very least, Valencia knew about it, because he had big jugs of lemonade saved in case of an attack—which I didn’t even know lemonade lasted that long.

HOLLY

He must have had some way of preserving it. Maybe more spooky weirdness?

PHOEBE

[SHE GIGGLES.] I doubt it. I mean, I suppose the lemonade doesn’t have to be safe for human consumption, so long as it works on the mold.

HOLLY

[UNSEEN NOD] Mm, sure.

PHOEBE

I still haven’t found much about the mold itself, though. I’ll have to keep looking.

HOLLY

Gotcha.

So, shouldn’t we be down in the backroom looking? ‘Cause you brought me up to the apartment—

PHOEBE

There’s a reason for that.

HOLLY

…oh?

PHOEBE

Er, can we, sit down?

HOLLY

Oh, yeah.

[THEY ARE HEARD PULLING THE CHAIRS OUT AND SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE.]

PHOEBE

[NERVOUSLY RAMBLING] Look, I, I don’t know what’s going on. All this stuff, what, with my grandma’s research, whatever Valencia was doing—I mean, he has even more research apparently, which, wow.

And I’ve been really stressed about it, what with all my already existing shop worries, now I’m facing this unknown, inhuman power without any—

HOLLY

[OVERLAPPING, COMFORTING] Hey, I understand. That shit out there? It’s pretty terrifying. You’re allowed to be worried about it.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

Why do you care?

HOLLY

What?

PHOEBE

[GUILTY] …oh, gosh, I’m so sorry, that was so rude of me, I mean, uh—about all of this. You said you were looking for, like, monsters or something, when you came in. Why do you care so much about helping me? I mean, evidently, it’s really dangerous. Seriously, someone I know was nearly killed today. So, why are you so, um, I guess, invested?

[A BEAT.] If you don’t mind answering, that is. I know that might be, er, kinda personal. Sorry.

[A LONG PAUSE.]

HOLLY

Did you know that owls are my favorite animal? That’s why I was so enthralled by that wicked statue your grandmother put out in the shop. They’ve been my favorite for a few years. And you wanna know why that is?

It’s because they’re so, I don’t know, calculated. They’re silent killers. Widely respected. People associate them with wisdom, and mystery, but there’s also a hunger there. A need to survive, and they know damn well how to do it. It’s not even uncommon for them to eat other owls.

PHOEBE

Um, I—

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS.] Sorry, I just, owls are super fuckin’ cool. I promise I’m going somewhere with this. Hang tight.

PHOEBE

[SHE GIGGLES.] Okay.

HOLLY

So, owls. They’re calculated, but they’ve got, like, a fierce hunger in their eyes. 

And I…I’ve got a hunger. I mean, I’m not eating owls, obviously, no, it’s a metaphorical hunger. A need to…to act. To protect. I used to be so good at standing by silently, watching, unnoticed, but unlike the owl, who hunts, I never did anything. I was frozen in place.

[SOFTER, SHAKILY] And then, when I needed to protect someone, I failed. I watched silently, but I never struck. I walked away…empty-handed.

[SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.] I’m not doing that again. If people are in danger, and there’s any way I can help, I’m going to step in. Whatever I can do.

[ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

I’m sorry, Holly.

HOLLY

[SHE LAUGHS IT OFF] Don’t worry about it. It’s all in the past. Just, I want to make sure nobody suffers at the hands of whatever monstrous forces we’re dealing with. 

PHOEBE

That’s really admirable.

HOLLY

Thanks.

[FLATTERING] I mean, I’m no braver than you. You’re kinda diving head-first into all of this. That’s badass.

PHOEBE

[FLUSTERED] Oh, um, thank you! Heh.

[MUTTERS]  I mean, I didn’t really have a choice, it was this or burn the shop down…

HOLLY

What?

PHOEBE

D—Don’t worry about it! Um, sorry. Thank you again.

HOLLY

Of course.

[SOFTLY, SINCERE] You’re really special. You know? You and this shop.

PHOEBE

[A BEAT, THEN, SOFTLY] You seem so certain about that.

HOLLY

I am.

PHOEBE

[REALIZATION] Oh.

[LONG, GAY PAUSE.]

PHOEBE

[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.] Sorry, sorry, um…There is one way you can help. Not just, um, you know, carrying boxes. It’s a big thing, um, and also why I brought you up here.

HOLLY

Oh, alright.

PHOEBE

I said my grandmother didn’t leave any guide behind to help me? Well, I lied.

[A BEAT, THEN, RUSHING TO REASSURANCE] I promise that’s the only lie I told you, though, and I had a good reason for it.

She…she left a box. Full of super secret letters. You’re the only person I’ve told. Irene doesn’t know anything about it.

HOLLY

I mean, you don’t have to tell me about anything you’re not comfortable sharing, Phoebe—

PHOEBE

[OVERLAPPING] I need help with something, and I don’t know how you’re gonna feel about it because I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

HOLLY

[WARY] …I said I’d do anything to help. Whatever it is.

PHOEBE

Do you promise? To keep it a secret and not, um, freak out, I guess?

HOLLY

[A BEAT.] Cross my heart.

PHOEBE

Okay. Okay! I actually don’t think I should record this next bit, so I’m gonna turn it off, but in order to actually read the research, I have to—

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[ANOTHER PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT, NIGHT.]

[THERE IS THE CREAKING OF A PULLOUT MATTRESS.]

CAROL

Hope it’s not too uncomfortable for ya’.

IRENE

Honestly? I’m just glad to have a place to sleep. Thank you.

CAROL

Not a problem, Irene. You’re always welcome here.

[THERE IS A LONG PAUSE. IRENE IS HEARD ADJUSTING HER BLANKET BRIEFLY.]

CAROL

Right. Well, I’m guessing you have questions, and it’s been a hell of a day. If you’ve got ‘em, now is the best time to ask.

IRENE

[SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT.] What was that?

CAROL

[A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH.] I wish I had a good enough answer for you, Irene. We’ve just been calling it the mold. Well, those I’ve talked to about it, that is.

IRENE

So, you don’t exactly know what it is, but you’ve heard of it.

CAROL

More than that, I’ve seen it myself before.

IRENE

[TAKEN ABACK] Before today?

CAROL

Mm. [GRIM] A while back, I was visiting a real close friend of mine. We were, ah, having tea out on her patio. It was a nice day. Didn’t seem like a catastrophe was gonna happen. We talked for a while before she said she had to go to the restroom and went inside.

I’m a patient woman, Irene, but after about twenty minutes, I knew something was wrong. I opened the back door and called out to her, but got no response. When I went inside to check on her, she didn’t answer when I knocked on the bathroom door. I was worried something had happened to her, but…man, I never could have seen it comin’.

The mold had spread out all across her bathroom. She laid dead in the center, just like that ol’ inspector. I haven’t been the same since then.

I tried my best to move on, but I didn’t get the time to. About a week later, that same mold started growing in my own house. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I shouldn’t touch it. So, I did all I could think to do: move out. I got this here apartment as soon as I could. I’m lucky I got out in time. After I moved, it didn’t come after me again, and I hadn’t seen it since. Until today, that is.

I’ve hardly told anyone about this. I mean, hell, I was worried people would think I’m crazy. I told Aden about it ‘cause I trust him and care for his safety, and thankfully, he believed me. I would have probably told you eventually if it hadn’t gotten you first.

IRENE

[DEFEATED] So you don’t know what causes it.

CAROL

[SHE CHUCKLES DRYLY.] Hell, until today, I didn’t even know there was a way to kill it.

[IRENE SIGHS.]

CAROL

Look, I know there’s something going on in this town, Irene. I’m not blind. I’ve seen things that can definitely be classified as strange, and in fact, I’d count Valencia under that category even before I saw his research.

I’ve never gotten any answers, though, just glimpses into something I know is there, but don’t understand yet.

IRENE

[A WEAK CHUCKLE.] Like some big secret the whole town is keeping, but they don’t actually know the secret.

CAROL

I’m sorry I can’t offer you more than that.

IRENE

It’s fine. I can’t expect you to know everything.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

CAROL

Well, I’m gonna go take a shower.

IRENE

[SHE CHUCKLES AGAIN.] I don’t blame you. My skin is crawling after spending so much time around the mold.

CAROL

It’s open to you next if you want it.

IRENE

No. [SHE YAWNS.] I’m going to try to get some work done.

CAROL

Well, make sure you get some rest soon, alright?

IRENE

Sure. Goodnight, Carol.

CAROL

Night, Irene.

[THERE’S FOOTSTEPS THAT TRAIL OFF BEFORE CAROL CLOSES THE BEDROOM DOOR. IRENE SHIFTS.]

IRENE

Right. Where do I even begin?

After we found out it was weak to lemons, we poured the jugs of lemonade Valencia had over all the mold we could find. It wasn’t enough for the whole house, obviously. We had to go to the store and buy more.

[SHE CHUCKLES.] I have no right to judge the meat lady anymore. Imagine the look on the cashier’s face when Carol and I went up with twenty bottles of lemonade.

Luckily, it didn’t spread anymore while we were at the store. I think our initial dousing weakened it—or, however that works.

I called Phoebe about it, and she said she’ll look into it. Aden was worried that the sugar contents in the store-bought lemonade would render it ineffective. [SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY.]

Honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to repay Aden. While we were cleaning up the mold, not only did he check in on us constantly, he brought us food once we were done. We never did get lunch like we planned, obviously. Even if he didn’t help with the mold itself, I’m still thankful he was there. As overwhelming as his worried spam can occasionally be.

[A BEAT, THEN, IN A GUILTY AND ALMOST SCARED TONE] The mold inspector…we tried to do something with him. His body just deteriorated, though. We could barely even pick him up without his flesh falling apart—and no, we didn’t use our hands, of course we didn’t.

We had to use garden tools to put his decomposing remains into several layers of garbage bags. Carol said she disposed of it as best she could. I hope she’s right.

The van is still there, though, which is part of why I’m spending the night here. [mutters] Also, because lemonade is incredibly sticky, and right now, my entire house is covered in its gooey residue.

I know his death is going to come back to haunt me. I’m not stupid. At least the guy worked independently, I guess? He probably had a family, though. I have no idea what to do. I mean, I wish I could have prevented it, but—

[SHE STOPS HERSELF. THERE’S A PAUSE.]

IRENE

I’m trying not to think about it right now. [TRYING TO JOKE, BUT FAILING] I mean, this town seems to be all for covering up people who disappear without a trace, right?

I guess I should be happy I got answers, right? Got a whole attic full of them. I’m not, though. I’m the most terrified I’ve ever been. There’s something out there, something that isn’t human—maybe multiple somethings—and as far as I know, it’s shown that it wants to hurt me.

What if the mold comes back? [A BEAT.] What if something more powerful than the mold comes after me, now that I’ve proven to be a threat? 

Look, I should get some work done. I’m sure I’ll be up all night thinking about this, but right now, I have a schedule to keep. Clearly, I didn’t get anything done after around noon, so I have some work to catch up on.

[THE MATTRESS CREAKS AS IRENE GRABS HER BAG AND BEGINS TO LOOK THROUGH IT. IT STOPS AS SHE PULLS OUT HER LAPTOP.]

IRENE

Thankfully, along with some spare clothes, I was able to grab my laptop. We’ll see how long that occupies my mind.

[THERE’S CLICKING NOISES AS IRENE TURNS ON HER COMPUTER. A BRIEF PAUSE.]

IRENE

[HESITANT] There’s another new audio file on my computer. It—it’s labeled as the date of the incident.

[A BEAT.] You know what? I could just close my computer. I’ve been through enough today. I don’t have to put myself through more.

...who am I kidding? I’m just going to keep worrying about it otherwise. Might as well get it over with.

[SHE CLICKS IT.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[INT. ROSE’S BEDROOM, THE NIGHT SHE WENT MISSING.]

[ROSE IS HEARD FRANTICALLY PACKING A BAG.]

ROSE

[PANICKED] I think she—it—I think it’s gotten back up. 

My name is Rosemary Quinn. Rosemary Quinn. If you’re listening to this, don’t come after me. Don’t—

[A VASE IS HEARD BREAKING IN THE BACKGROUND. ROSE GASPS.]

ROSE

It’s my mom. She did something. I don’t know what. Some sort of ritual? Not a traditional one or anything like that. I don’t know what it was she was doing.

I just—I walked in on her screaming, and there was blood coming from her eyes, and then she just—she just started changing! I can’t describe it! It’s like her body was morphing into a different body, like, like clay, I don’t—

[THERE’S A LOUD BANGING AT THE DOOR. ROSE YELPS.]

GRACE?

[IN A DISTORTED, INHUMAN VOICE, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR] Rose, dear, won’t you open the door? What are you so afraid of?

[A BRIEF, EERIE INSTRUMENTAL ECHOES IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ROSE

[WHISPERING] No. No, please no.

It tried to attack me, but I hit it over the head with a candleholder. That incapacitated it for a bit, but now I think it’s just angry.

[SHE ZIPS THE BAG SHUT.]

ROSE

Whatever that is, it is not my mother. I know she’s not a good person already, I know that, but that’s not her, it’s—

[ANOTHER BANGING AT THE DOOR.]

GRACE?

Rose. Open the door.

ROSE

Stop, please stop!

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow.

ROSE

Sir Griffin the Third? Were you, were you hiding under the bed this whole time?

[THE DOORKNOB JINGLES. CREEPY, DRAMATIC MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

GRACE?

Rose, dear, my patience has run very thin.

ROSE

[DISBELIEF] That voice. It sounds like…no. No.

GRACE?

I warned you.

ROSE

Stop. I’m begging you, stop! Mom? Mom, are you still in there? Mom, I’m sorry, please listen—

[ROSE’S MOM IS HEARD BREAKING DOWN THE DOOR. ROSE SCREAMS. THE DOORKNOB FALLS TO THE FLOOR.]

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow!

ROSE

Oh, I can’t just leave you here. Come here.

[SHE GRABS SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD. SHE IS HEARD OPENING HER BEDROOM WINDOW. THE SOUND OF WIND AND CRICKETS OUTSIDE IS HEARD AS SHE DOES THIS.]

GRACE?

Don’t think you can get away from me, dearest.

ROSE

[MUTTERING IN PANIC] No…no, no, no!

[ROSE IS HEARD CLIMBING OUT OF THE WINDOW ONTO THE GROUND AND RUNNING FOR HER BIKE.]

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow.

[ROSE IS HEARD LIFTING THE BIKE UP, ITS BELL CHIMING, AND CLIMBING ONTO IT.]

ROSE

[TO SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD] Come on, come on—I know you don’t like the basket, just—

[SHE IS CUT OFF BY A GLITCHING NOISE. THE MUSIC ENDS WITH THE CHIME OF A BELL. THERE IS BRIEF STATIC BEFORE ANOTHER GLITCHING NOISE.]

[ROSE IS HEARD RIDING HER BIKE FOR A FEW SECONDS, BREATHING HEAVILY. THE SAME NIGHTTIME AMBIANCE AS BEFORE IS STILL PRESENT.]

ROSE

...no, Sir Griffin the Third, stay in the—!

[SHE IS CUT OFF BY ANOTHER GLITCHING NOISE.]

[THE BIKE IS HEARD COMING TO A STOP. ROSE BREATHS HEAVILY AS SHE GETS OFF. SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD MAKES A CHIRPING NOISE.]

ROSE

I think…I think I’m far away enough now.

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD

Meow.

ROSE

[DISTRAUGHT, TO SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD] Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD 

Meow.

ROSE

I’m sorry, but I can’t bring you with me. I didn’t even get to grab your food. I’m sorry. I’ll bring you somewhere where you’re safe, okay, baby? I promise.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

ROSE

I, um…I can’t go home. I don’t even think I can stay in Seattle. I don’t know if my mom will ever go back to her normal self, or if whatever that thing was is who she is now.

Regardless, I believe that the demon will continue to hunt me down, no matter whose body it has to use. It did not seem like a being that goes down easy.

[SAD YET BEAUTIFUL MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.]

ROSE

[GRIM] My mom. I never got along with her. She was an awful person. I know that wasn’t her, though. I don’t know what she did, or what kind of forces she tried to harness, but it is not a kind or benevolent force. 

I’m not quite sure what to do now. I mean, I suppose I wanted to run away, but not like this. How could I even tell Irene—

[A PAUSE.] Oh. Irene.

[SHE TAKES A SHAKY BREATH.] I can’t tell her. It will put her in too much danger. I can’t risk her getting involved with whatever it is that is chasing me.

[THERE’S A PAUSE.]

ROSE

[SHAKILY] Irene...Irene, if you’re listening to this, don’t come after me. I, I don’t know how you could ever be listening to this, but still. Don’t look for me. Not yet, at least.

I promise, when it’s safe, I’ll find you.  I won’t abandon you. [SINCERE] Of course I wouldn’t. I just, I need to go away. Just for a little bit.

I love you, dear. So much. Wait for me.

[THE MUSIC AND NIGHTTIME AMBIANCE FADES OUT.]

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

[INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT, PRESENT DAY.]

[THERE’S A PAUSE AS IRENE PROCESSES WHAT SHE HEARD.]

IRENE

[QUIETLY] I love you, too.

[IRENE BEGINS CRYING.]

IRENE

I love you, too. [SHE SOBS.] Of course I do.

[SHE SOBS FOR A FEW MOMENTS LONGER.]

IRENE

[DETERMINED, BUT SHAKY] I don’t care what you said. I’m going to find you, Rose.

I’m going to find you.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[RECORDING ENDS.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today’s quote is: “Perhaps some day I'll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow.”

Sylvia Plath, as published in The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, 1982.

[A STRANGE, EERIE, ALMOST HOLLOW SOUND SLOWLY BUILDS IN THE BACKGROUND.

AUTOMATED VOICE

[SLOWING DOWN GRADUALLY] You are the outlet. We are the light.

[THE EERIE SOUND IS CUT OFF BY A LOUD WHOOSH.]

VAL

The Heart of Ether will return in Season Two.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]