Pirate Month IV!:Tales from the Pirate's Hoard Vol 1: The Ballad of Bad Beard, Sailing the Seven ZZZ's, Potato Stew and Swashbuckled!
ARRRG ARRG ARRG ARRG THIS REVIEW IS SPONSORED BY KEV
Ahoy me hearties and welcome back to pirate month, my annual look at all things piratey! @weirdkev27 who came up with this event came up with a great way to kick it off: Welcome to Tales from the Pirate's Hoard. With me taking a lighter schedule and so many pirate episodes, from now on each year we're going to take look at a treasure trove of pirate episodes from various shows for all you fine folks.
For today we're splitting it down the middle looking at two from disney and two from nickelodeon, both pioneers of children's dealing with corprate overlord troubles at the moment. So without further adew stow away under the cut for some pirate fun me hearties!
Phineas and Ferb: The Ballad of Bad Beard
Ballad of Bad Beard is one of Phineas and Ferb's earliest episodes. I planned to also cover "Submarine Sandwich Submarine" from the revival but apart from a brief pirate shanty it didn't fit the theme. For the record the revival is okay, Candace Suit and Tropey Mc TropeFace as pure cinema, but I'm annoyed at them refusing outright to move the characters forward or even just slightly like futurama did. Just a nudge is all I ask.
But that's enough complaining as I forgot just how strong the Ballad of Bad Beard was. The show in general really till rewatching a handful of episodes really but especially this one. It comes right before the iconic and series defining "Dude , We're Getting the Band Back Together!", but it's so damn fun. It also has one of the best gags in the entire show "This is susan and susan, I named them after each other".
This time around the kids are camping. IT's somethign I liked about the original that I hope the revival gets back to more: the fact that the series wasn't tethered to just starting at the house. It still follows the formula to the degree but just putting the kids and candace on a camping trip helps switch it up. Also helping are Phineas' grand parents, and I like how the show gives both Phineas and Ferb's respective grandparents equal time and has them contrast a bit, Ferb's being posh if fun ariosticats and Phineas being more working class but fun types who like the wilderness with Clyde and Betty Jo. Ther'es a lot of good gags with them: Betty Jo's snark at Candace asking for a shower (and understandably being annoyed at the sarcasm), and of course Clyde telling the legend of bad beard and his iconic theme song.. which is just arrgh arrgh arrgh arrgh this is the ballad of bad beard. While the kids add more later, it's a great gag.
Candace .. dosen't bust them this episode, something the revival needs to settl eback into. I do get this was early, and she wasn't as mentally broken by the sheer number of attempts to bust her brothers and the mysterious force that we know as a depressed middle aged man working thorugh his generational trauma through super villiany, but it'd be nice to just get back to having plots that aren't "Candace is kind of a dick then looses because shut up".
Granted this one has her tripping balls on moss... well mentally. Turns out it wasn't real, but she thinks it is. The bulk of this is gold: Ashley Tisdale is always great at deliveries but this is one of her best, from the giggling, to "WHY DO MY NOSTRIL'S WHISPER TO ME", another standout joke and of course the introduction of the zebra what calls her kevin. I like the zebra what calls her kevin. He's good people.
Her plot intersects with Perry's, whose been told to investigate Doof's new island lair, the same lair our heroes are on. I love him being carried by Agent E. I think Agent E might be the first OWCA agent we meet outside of perry. I also love that this is one of those "let's harass doof" missions. It's one of the more delightfully fucked up things the series does, with Monogram siccing perry on doof because he has a vauge notion Doof is up to something. It's why we sometimes get Perry helping Doof with Vanessa: Doof really was just doing dad stuff and Perry is a good boyfriend. I mean they have a whole dance montage together that while ending in a trap is still fucking wholesome
This is before we're that friendly though so doof instead puts him in a trap with susan and susan. Their named afte reach other. Just.. such a fantastic gag. Thankfully Candace saves him even if she hits the self distruct and luckily thinks she made up the whole thing. It helps the talking zebra she met only shows up when she thinks she is or is in fact stoned.
The main plot as they tend to be for this show is just simple fun: Ferb , in a gag I love, unfolds a small bit of paper ot reveal a massive ship, and a jaunty musical number is had> I really love the ballad of bad beard from it's donkey kong country 2 style musical stylings, to it's fun lyrics, to somehow making the hook work. Good stuff. Also reminds me: the fireside girls need to be involved in more plots. I mean they were a lot more in season 1 but aren't for some reason. I also like the twist tha tthe curse of bad beards forever is just.. a chest full of fake beards with everyone getting one for the wrap up. All in all a true classic of the show that reminds me why I liked it in the first place.
Sailing the Seven ZZZ's (Rocko's Modern Life) I was hoping this would turn out to be a jeff and swampy episode as it ended up being the replacement for the Submarine Sanwich Submarine episode. Alas it twas not. It was fun to cover rocko again though and this is a decent episode
The premise is fun nonsense: Ed Bighead has childhood trauma from performing in a pirate musical, having forgotten the map and having it thrown at him, knocking the poor kid over. I'd really be suprised if Ed didn't have a giant heinz doofenschmertz sized list of traumas that explain why he's like this. He only hasn't gone full supervillian because he's too self concious.. that and constantly bullying the 20 something living next door gives him somewhere to put that energy.
So he gets a bad case of sleepwalking and becomes a pirate, keeping poor rocko up all night and generally making the poor guy's life a living hell... well more of one. He can't sleep, his house gets hurt.. it's a lot. This half works for me: Ed being unaware, rocko trying to deal with it.
The climax...is more of a mixed bag as it leans on one of the series weaker aspects: Jerkass Heffier. Like Homer simpson how tolerable Heiffer can be depends on the episode and unlike Homer Heiffer didn't have a slow transition from "Only extra triple obnoxious when the episode called for it"
To
Heiffer switches back and forth from loveable doofus to "No jury on earth will convict Rocko when he finally snaps and murders him" This is the latter with Heiffer deciding playing pirates, even if his costume is fantastic, is more important than Rocko ending this shit. It's a little funny, but not enough to paper over how obnoxious it comes off. You gotta thread that needle you know. Not every asshole behavior can be "I'll mace you good". Still it's a solid episode with a fun premise. Not one of my faviorites, but a good time.
Potato Stew (The Tiny Chef Show)
It's time for the man of the hour, the VIP he gets the third slice, of the P-I-E. It's Tiny Chef. I only heard about this guy when he became a minor meme after his heartbreaking announcment of his show's cancelation, only happening because the contract was up and merger be happening. Their is a possiblity of a revival and it does appear the crew has the rights enough to at least keep making shorts.
I can see WHY the show caught on besides the mixture of black comedy and sadness of the poor guy's heart breaking. Tiny Chef is a fun kids show, one that adults can enjoy for the sheer technical mastery. It's stop motion from the looks of it in a time where that's rare, and is simply a tiny little guy, his robot best friend, his dog like catterpillar and his snail who pushes the button frank having wholesome adventure, in this case looking for treasure. He also interviews current Blues Clues host Josh which is neat and is introduced for season one by Ru Paul. Harvey Beaks may of been canceled, but Ru Paul lives on making small apperances on nick. God bless ya man.
It's a simple fun little treasure hunt that teaches kids about potatoes. I don't have much more to say than that. I also like that it DOES teach kids receipes, letting them cook and try things too. That's a really neat thing and the stew does genuinely seem great. Needs some cheese but that's a me thing and I get not piling cheese on a children's recipie. You IMPLY you do that to avoid deniablity. Good on you tiny chef. Please give this tiny little man and his adorable voice and snail more seasons. In fact give me a spinoff for the snail. I need more snails.
Swashbuckled (Big City Greens)
I saved the best for last for this anthology. Swashbuckled is the most recent episode on this list and the most inventive in how it does the premise, which is saying something given the ed thing is a pretty bonkers concept.
In this case it takes a pretty fun idea i'm shocked hadn't been done yet and goes all out with it. Alice, family matriarch, local crone and loveable scamp, has a feather arriving for her hat only to find her package, which was confirmed to have arrive has been stolen.
Yup their making an episode about Porch Pirates into a pirate adventure and I love this. The commitment ot the bit is peak espeecailly since they find a hilariously obvious way to get everyone in Alice's crew both on board and pirate themed in a way that also ties into the crisis. Gloria, Alice's surrogate grandaughter business partner and loveable mess, got a cage for her parrot who constantly spouts out her embarassing secrets she vents to it. Gloria is relatable as hell to me, someone who has their dream job but is still stressed to hell, struggling with money and whose pet has defintely bit her at least once. Both of mine certainly have. I mean their good kitties but ones a kitten and the other gets bitey when he dosen't want to be petted.
Point is I get her. It's also why I ship her as I want her to be happy. I know she dose'nt NEED a relationship to be happy but she needs something to take the edge off. As for who... let's just say I know a wolf. It's.. it's Loona from Helluva boss. Look Gloria needs someone whose chill yet supportive.. and can also kill a man.
The rest of the crew consists of Reggie, the greens kind neighbor I wish i'd seen more of whose eyedrops for his eye infection or whatever were taken and Mr Gregorian, the Green's cranky neighbor who Kev swears is having a casual thing with alice after Truce Bomb which.. yeah why not. I just showed how weird my shipping can get, I'm not one to judge. Hate bang away seniors, hate bang away.
He's missing his telescope. So that leaves our team with a parrot, a need for an eyepatch and a telescope. It's all nicely threaded in and all works into the plot.
So our brave crew spends the episode chasing down the pirates, with cannonballs even coming in via Gloria's pile of cheaddar and sour cream pringles cans and stress balls which is clever, fun and a deeply relatable cry for help.
While their doing that Cricket and Tilly have a b plot about dirtbag or something. Okay okay it is REALLY funny they lampshade the fact they don't use dirtbag , Alice's cat, hardly at all. Cricket genuinely forgot they had a cat which given I think he's the only animal left at the city house following them getting the country house back, is an achivement. It's like Gloria relatable as I too chased around my dad's cats as a kid. I now get you have to meet them on their terms.. and scoop them up when they get on your keyboard. Dammit Kirk. Ginger Assholes. I love you so much. So I relate to it.. I just think it's okay. Nothing really super funny or fresh and it sticks out as the episode having apparently ran short.
Thankfully the pirate plot does nothing but deliver. Besides a naval street battle (The police can't do anything because Officer Keyes can't solve a problem on a good day. ), we get a glorious climax as a disney legend makes his grand return: Jim Cummings motherfucker as the Porch Pirates leader who unlike his various minons does keep up the pirate theme, complete with a throne made of boxes and using stuff he stole. Jim is what really seals this episode: it waas good already but it sticks the landing with an incredibly fun battle among the boxes, and Jim Cummings at his hammiest. I really missed him. Good to have you back Jim. Alice wins because like David Arquette or the Grimace, nothing can kill Alice and we get a jaunty sea shanty to close us out of this utterly fantastic episode.
Thanks for reading and stick around for more pirate month as I read the literary equilvent of scabies and return to the pirates series for some adventures with communists! If you liked this review consider joining my patreon and substack. A buck a month helps keep me at sea, yar.












