Journal
It’s been a few weeks now and still the images of him as I last saw him are as fresh behind my eyes as they once were right in front of them.
I have had to battle not one, but two things, and once I had realised this, and separated the two, I knew better how to begin to recover from them. I learnt that there is a difference between regret and remorse.
So, to purge myself of the weight of what remains, I am writing Loki a letter, one that will never be sent.
Loki,
I've believed for weeks that still I did nothing wrong, but now I understand that that very conviction is wrong.
My intentions were right; to do as you asked. Answer your questions as you asked me to, and get those answers to you. My intentions were right but my actions were wrong. I pushed boundaries I never took time to learn were there. I didn't pause and listen for my intuition. So what if you had left me questions and then blocked me from telling you the answers?! Isn't a King allowed to change his mind? His plans? Isn't anyone? I should have left it. Shrugged perhaps, left it, see if you wanted to come back. As you said; it was all about what I wanted to do.
I am not a weak woman, Loki, and even throwing myself at your feet was calculated and examined and cogitated before I did it. As for you, all I thought about was that you were worthy of it. Not whether you needed or desired it. All I intended was to pour out all the things our distance had prevented me saying. I didn't grasp that it wasn't necessary. That a smile, a nod, a sweet message of only friendship sent from afar, these things would have been enough to reach you, and reach you enough. You were right; it was all about me.
When I first found you it was to kill you. If I couldn't kill you then it was to maim you. And if it wasn't to maim you, it was to hurt you in other ways. Anything. Anything to redress my family's murder. At one time we exchanged forgiveness; do you remember that part? You were sorry you couldn't rescue the others. I was sorry for my insolence. We held each other then, and that is how we came together that night. Afterwards I pushed for those memories to be recovered; I wanted you to remember your feelings for me. Again, all me.
Just as you can't control your mind I cannot control my heart, Loki, and you will always be in it. But I will keep you tucked away in some small corner of it, never to be seen. It won't push you, reach out to you or test your boundaries. It won't be threatening or troubling. It will just be. I'll never be able to cast it out and believe me, I have wanted to because this pain I've felt is exquisite, pure in its rawness.
If I could turn time back and never have found you, I would do that, for your sake; to remove all the nonsense that I put you through.
If I wanted even that to be only all about me, then know that given the choice between regret and tears, depression and confusion and pain so bad it feels like my heart has been cleaved in two; that I would never swap a single hug from you for cancellation of all that sorrow.
I love you. And I know that this wasn't wanted. So for this last thing, and for the last time, forgive me.
- Now, instead of disgarding of this letter I implore you, put it away. Read another time, another year, when you might be moved to judge me less harshly. Have a servant hide it up in a book in your magnificent library and one day, it might fall into your lap as you take an interest in that volume. It mightn't be for a hundred years. But then, if it causes but one smile, it all will have been worth it.
With respect greater than I have ever had for anyone,
Hester
@starscreamloki @kyaniteblue @a-smokeless-flame