Please, don’t forget that I love you. I feel like I mess up so much with you.
I’m sorry I haven’t been a good follower lately. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to enjoy coffee with you or write you letters every day. I’m sorry I’ve been spending too much on my phone and avoiding life.
I know that’s not what you want for me.
But I don’t know what to say to you sometimes cause I feel like such a failure. You’ve never wanted me to sit down and shut up, but you’ve also wanted me to just be quiet and walk away.
You’ve wanted me to reach out, stop being stubborn, and to take care of myself the way that I should. By listening to bad pop music and buying a coloring book just to chill out with, and cuddling the cats like stuffed animals. By buying actual stuffed animals and washing the dishes and cleaning the house. At least the little things.
I feel defeated by all of it, though, and I can barely hear your voice anything. Lighting a candle or living a coffee to chill on the windowsill or writing you a letter or poetry doesn’t feel like enough anymore. Nothing feels like enough anymore.
I haven’t been reaching out. I’ve been making things worse. I’ve been sitting in pain without trying to heal, and we haven’t been talking.
Have I ever told you I think of you when I look at the sun? I know that Sol’s thing, but it always reminds me of you — a chaotic ball of fire, providing life but threatening to burn everything up one day? Doesn’t that sound a bit like you, Worldbreaker?
I’ve never understood how you got that title. Some asshole, probably. All you were doing was defending your family.
Do you know that you’re my family, Loke? I mean it when I say the cats are our girls. Cause they are — yours and mine. I hope you won’t forget us. Its stupid cause I know you won’t even when you leave, its only temporary. You always come back.
I’m just sorry that I haven’t done better lately, and I hope you realize that I still love you.
Here’s a letter I wrote to Loki when I daydream. For context, I have been daydreaming of being on an archlogical dig in Norway, Thor and Bruce are with me. Thor is the only one who knows about Loki’s and I’s relationship. Bruce is like an older brother to me. He finds my interest in history helpful.
WITH OUT FURTHER ADO PEOPLE... my letter
Dear Loki,
Hi honey, it has been a while. I know, I should probably stop working myself to death. Work has been… stressful. I worry I will fail at every turn. Thor keeps telling me to relax, but you see my worry as well right?
He is the only one who knows about us. I keep thinking the oaf (as you have affectionately named him), will accidentally spill our secrets. I love you so much Honey, I just don’t want Bruce to hulk out and end you.
Anyway, on work, the whole archaeological dig in Norway has been fruitful. We keep finding weapons in nearby caves, and I found some daggers I think you would like. They seem to have your name in runes engraved upon them. But Next to them were Roman Gladi and Greek shields. It’s interesting and so very fascinating.
You should see them in real life, they’re beautiful and there’s this golden glow to them. It's like the sun, but it doesn’t hurt.
It… it reminds me of your beautiful magic, honey.
I miss you so much. I miss being in your arms as you read to me. I miss you reading Latin scripture, you always pronounce it correctly. You reading Shakespeare's sonnets. Or even some Asgardian literature. I may not know what it means, but your voice, babe. It makes me feel safe and… warm with you. Especially cuddling!!
Whenever I am with you, I am on cloud nine, or the heavens. Yu thread your fingers through my hair as you read. Your hugs with your chin on my shoulders, and your soft breath down my neck. Twirling me around listing to music, listing to each other heartbeat
I miss reading to you as well, I miss braiding your hair. I miss your cologne, I miss our fluffy fur blankets… I miss our nightly activities.
Loki, you make me feel loved. Yes, I have friends and family that make me feel that way, but the way you do that. Your love makes me feel worthy. I know it’s cliché, but it’s true. You treat me like a goddess when I am a mortal.
Have you ever seen a statue of Eros and Psyche? Where Psyche is on the ground, but Eros lifts her from behind? (Reminds me of how tenderly you hold me)Psych has her arm go back and locks into Eros’ curls. In a sense, it reminded me of a heart. In a frozen moment of time, they look as if they will embrace in a kiss. In the myth, Eros is reviving her from death. There’s a feeling of this statue, a feeling YOU make me feel alive again. There are times where I go on autopilot, I don’t find joy in my life for a job, but you Loki, you make me feel alive and that I have meaning. I want to be better because of you, you push me but in a good way.
Have you heard of the story of Eros and Psyche? (hell, you probably know them)
While Eros is a god Psyche is a mortal. Remind you of anyone?
Well, maybe not cuz your mom at least approves of me, and I’m not a princess.
Ignore it, I’m rambling Like I always do.
Anyway, why didn’t you tell me Thor knows ancient greek? Because I was trying to decipher some scripture we found, I got stuck on the verbs, and they came up and translated them all for me. (had forgotten the middle voice, by whatever above I hate that voice so much!!!)
Turns out languages are a hobby for him? Did you know this and not tell me? IS this a little prank you’ve been saving up for me?
Also, he’s been telling me stories of your shared childhood. How come you never told me about turning into a snake and stabbing Thor? I mean I’m not surprised, that part of you two has not changed.
Bruce has been a dear. He’s been using tome machines to date the artifacts, and to see if magic radiates off them.
Dear, I know you are making a face right now at Bruce’s mention. He is like a brother to me, he welcomed me into the group before I even met you. He got Tony to realize they needed the love child Indiana Jones and Evelyn O’Connell’s, on the team.
…. Basically, the avengers needed to start doing archelogy on ancient weapons and locking them away before anyone can use them harmfully. A historian archeologist…. That specialty is mythology.
Bruce, he’s family, my brother in knowledge.
BUT you are my love, my destiny, as I am yours
I’m just one teleportation spell away, so please love, stop by to cuddle.
I know, I wrote you many other times, but this is a bit more important. Because i wanna say you how much you're damn special for me, my boy.
For having resonated in me so deeply like no one else is been able to do before.
You broke my heart, since the beginning. Since when it was clear that all your sarcasm and the tricks were just the language of your noble soul, broken by others.
No one saved you.
No one has ever fought for you, for having you back. You had to do it for yourself. For not to break yourself completely, and not to corrupt what was still good.
You're been, and still are, the one who understand me. The one who knew.
The one who wouldn't have laughed. The one who hadn't make fun of me.
Because you know. And you can't mock what have hurt you too.
Anxiety. Sense of guilt. Sense of inferiority. Fears. A sadness that sometimes becomes depression. The feeling of being unworthy, to not have any value at your very own eyes.
You understand all of this and accept it without judgment.
Because you're not those damn superheroes always positive and winners. Of which I'm in awe, and in the same time I feel rejected by.
Because I'm not positive all the time. I'm not always smiling. I'm a loser, and not always I wanna fight.
You're here, and you're always been, Loki.
My hero who has always listened and understood.
My king who's been cut off because they felt threatened by you. Because just their heroes could been loved. Not who were born antagonist.
There was no room for who was like me, like us. The last ones, the insecure ones, those who fear life. Those who don't hope and don't wish anymore.
But you're come. You, who didn't have to. You, who were not allowed to.
And you have collected all of us, the last ones and the desperates. And you make us feel united, important, wanted, loved, worthy.
You cannot kill a God, they say, and, for what concern me, is the truth. A God cannot die.
And you'll always be here, Loki, my hero and my King. Alive, real, invincible, glorious, beautiful and majestic.
NO RESURRECTION THIS TIME.
It's true, eventually.
There's no resurrection for who's never died.
I know you're here, my prince, and I'll always be grateful for this. For you.
It’s been a few weeks now and still the images of him as I last saw him are as fresh behind my eyes as they once were right in front of them.
I have had to battle not one, but two things, and once I had realised this, and separated the two, I knew better how to begin to recover from them. I learnt that there is a difference between regret and remorse.
So, to purge myself of the weight of what remains, I am writing Loki a letter, one that will never be sent.
Loki,
I've believed for weeks that still I did nothing wrong, but now I understand that that very conviction is wrong.
My intentions were right; to do as you asked. Answer your questions as you asked me to, and get those answers to you. My intentions were right but my actions were wrong. I pushed boundaries I never took time to learn were there. I didn't pause and listen for my intuition. So what if you had left me questions and then blocked me from telling you the answers?! Isn't a King allowed to change his mind? His plans? Isn't anyone? I should have left it. Shrugged perhaps, left it, see if you wanted to come back. As you said; it was all about what I wanted to do.
I am not a weak woman, Loki, and even throwing myself at your feet was calculated and examined and cogitated before I did it. As for you, all I thought about was that you were worthy of it. Not whether you needed or desired it. All I intended was to pour out all the things our distance had prevented me saying. I didn't grasp that it wasn't necessary. That a smile, a nod, a sweet message of only friendship sent from afar, these things would have been enough to reach you, and reach you enough. You were right; it was all about me.
When I first found you it was to kill you. If I couldn't kill you then it was to maim you. And if it wasn't to maim you, it was to hurt you in other ways. Anything. Anything to redress my family's murder. At one time we exchanged forgiveness; do you remember that part? You were sorry you couldn't rescue the others. I was sorry for my insolence. We held each other then, and that is how we came together that night. Afterwards I pushed for those memories to be recovered; I wanted you to remember your feelings for me. Again, all me.
Just as you can't control your mind I cannot control my heart, Loki, and you will always be in it. But I will keep you tucked away in some small corner of it, never to be seen. It won't push you, reach out to you or test your boundaries. It won't be threatening or troubling. It will just be. I'll never be able to cast it out and believe me, I have wanted to because this pain I've felt is exquisite, pure in its rawness.
If I could turn time back and never have found you, I would do that, for your sake; to remove all the nonsense that I put you through.
If I wanted even that to be only all about me, then know that given the choice between regret and tears, depression and confusion and pain so bad it feels like my heart has been cleaved in two; that I would never swap a single hug from you for cancellation of all that sorrow.
I love you. And I know that this wasn't wanted. So for this last thing, and for the last time, forgive me.
- Now, instead of disgarding of this letter I implore you, put it away. Read another time, another year, when you might be moved to judge me less harshly. Have a servant hide it up in a book in your magnificent library and one day, it might fall into your lap as you take an interest in that volume. It mightn't be for a hundred years. But then, if it causes but one smile, it all will have been worth it.
With respect greater than I have ever had for anyone,
Come with me, here,...sit down together, shall we?
Now, listen me, please.
Sometimes people are lonely, you know,...despite families, friends, jobs (or even JUST for it)...sometimes people are lonely inside, and sad, and broken. Sometimes they have personal issues, nasty things to face to, all alone because they don't want to annoy others. Mostly because others wouldn't understand and they'd gave only pity. Or empty, useless critics without even bother to listening. Giving you shame.
Sometimes people doesn't have anyone to talk about their shit.
Sometimes all they can do is crying all the pain in the dark at night, hugging the pillow, silencing even there because even their tears' sounds is unbearable.
And,...and I know it sounds absurd, darling, I know...but,...but you're become their safe place.
Don't look me this way, sweetie, I know what I'm talking about because I'm one of those persons.
You're become my safe place, if it could have any sense.
My imperfect hero to speak with whenever I need to. I know, I know,...all I do is write you pages and pages of stupid personal notes, period,...but in those notes are my worst demons, my darkest side, my fears, my insecurities, and I chose to tell them to you.
Because I don't know for what kind of magic, bless, curse, silly childish wish,...whatever,...i feel understood by you. I feel that you can understand my pain, my rage, my stupid inner fights.
Without judging.
Without make me feel ashamed of myself.
Without mocking me, or call me names.
This is why my heart was broken when they have decided to cut you off from me (from all of us) in that disgusting, repulsive way. So disrespecting. So ungrateful. So unnecessarily brutal.
As if they have decided to make us suffer. To blatantly and purposefully traumatise us.
Only for the reason that you are important for us.
My heart still broken, sweetie, but you know what? I won't submit to this. To this reality they forced us to accept. Never. And neither you have to.
You're never gone anywhere.
You're still here.
You're still our hero.
MY HERO.
Don't mind to those who mistreat you this way. To those who have tried to downgrade you, to push you in the background because you wouldn't supposed to be loved.
Because you're not supposed to be the hero. You should have been the villain to keep away. You should have been the loser, since the beginning. The less important. The one to even notice.
As we are. The losers. But things are gone differently, for once.
So now listen to me.
You are important.
In a way you never imagine. And not only for me. I'm speaking for myself, right now, but I'm more than sure that there're thousands of other people like me, out there,...shy, broken, sad, struggling to cope hard times, alone,...who've choosed you for my same reasons. Because you can understand us.
Because you know how hard, and how bad it is.
I don't care how bad they can treat you, my precious boy, because you are with us and we will love you and care about you, forever.
And you don't have to be valid just because someone else told you so. You have your own light, and power to shine through. You are you, and you're perfect your own way.
And that light, that power, will overcome any wicked actions, any hate against you.
Smile, sweetie,...and keep to be my smirking, sassy, beautiful imperfect hero.
My beloved red haired one, You came in and promised to shake up my very foundation. To shake me to my core. Like a lightning flash you have illuminated the darkness overlooking the cliffs and rocks below. Like a disobedient child I flit from your grip to dance along the cliff’s edge. This is what I am familiar with. It could not hurt me even in your harshest storms. Yet, as you predicted, I fall…
I was told I had to be honest and quite frankly, I don't want to do this but I don't have a choice.
If I possessed the power to go back in time when we first met, I would change everything. Do not expect for this to be repeated but I was acting like a child that had lost their favorite toy. Though I won't treat anyone with respect right away, I gave you all the reasons to not respect me.
I'm...I couldn't handle the fact that in a few short hours you saw everything I wanted to destroy and saw me for what I truly am. Instead of acting like an adult, I lashed out like an animal and tried to make you feel distraught as well.
Listen, I don't know how culture is like on Asgard but for all the thing you are, a monster is not one of them. From what I've gathered from the snippets of your past, frost giants are consider evil on Asgard. I will not push the subject but you are not a monster and your race will not make you one. Personally-and if you repeat this to a single soul I will harm you- I like you a lot more than I will ever tolerate your brother and...I wouldn't mind being your company when you leave S.H.I.E.L.D.
I know you can hardly stand me but...I think eventually we could be awesome friends and if you're willing to have a go at a friendship...well I'm down. Just remember, I will take your fall when you need me to sneak you out of the Tower or bring you stuff you aren't allowed to have.
