Some place to vent
A continuation (of sorts) of these reddit posts:
Wife: "Am I the love of your life?"
Falling in love everyday
I’m setting up this tumblr today because I need something different. I’ve been posting infrequently for a while on /r/DeadBedrooms (which is a really great, supportive community, I might add), but sometimes I need something different.
I have a personal journal, which I don’t keep up as often as I’d like. But this is the sort of thing that I don’t want to put in that journal, which might have something to do with why I don’t write in that one as frequently as I should. I made a decision (good or bad) to keep this sort of thing out of that journal, because I imagine someday, somehow, it’ll get read by someone else. Despite its relatively private location, for any number of reasons, it’s findable by someone who snoops effectively enough into my stuff. And I guess I’ve always had this image in my mind of someone digging through things after I die. If it’s my one and only daughter (which is reasonably likely -- at least she’s as likely as anyone to find it), then I don’t want her to know how much this particular topic has consumed my thinking.
What is “this particular topic” that I want to hide from my daughter?
Ugh. Probably more than anything, it’s just sex in general. I’m far more horny (all the freaking time) than anyone would probably guess in real life.
Yes... I’m a guy. So, stereotypically, I’m horny. But the Dead Bedrooms community on reddit has taught me that there are some females who are “high libido” like I am (despite however much I have struggled to believe it’s true at times).
Quick Background
Currently, I’m 44. I’m hovering around 20 years of marriage. (I don’t mind sharing about some specifics, but I also would rather remain anonymous here as I do on reddit (hence the username).
We have one daughter, as I’ve already said. She’s a teenager.
I got into this marriage thinking I’d found my dream girl. We had a lot in common in certain areas of our lives. We grew up in similar families (2 kids, middle class, highly religious), had shared enthusiasm for certain things that we both valued highly at the time (most of which centered around our faith and our involvement in Christianity).
I thought marriage would be that big opportunity in my life to explore intimacy at every level: physically, emotionally, mentally, and so on. When we went on our honeymoon and sex was less than great, I attributed it to a bunch of things:
I was a virgin, so actual intercourse was brand new
She wasn’t a virgin, and had had terrible experiences with other guys
We hadn’t actually been dating or engaged all that long, so there was a lot of adjusting to do
We’d had a major hiccup during the wedding which really affected her
Turns out, that set the pattern for our entire marriage. Her trauma from before, father issues, and just about anything not being perfect in her life all affect her libido.
And, she’s terrified of intimacy. She’s OK with sex itself (other than the fact that the stars have to align, the wind has to be blowing from the right direction, the temperature has to be just right, and a zillion other details must come together perfectly for her to be in the mood), but intimacy -- even after 20 years -- is still largely off the table.
She also doesn’t really enjoy kissing.
These last two things are quite possibly the biggest surprises and disappointments of my entire life.
I love kissing and making out.
And I love intimacy.
In relationships prior to this one, although I never had “PIV” sex (actual “penis in vagina” intercourse), I had had amazing relationships where intimacy were concerned. One relationship in particular involved lots of soul-baring conversation, deep honesty, and hours upon hours each week of kissing and making out.
I don’t have time for much else today, but I wanted to get some quick background out in case this ever gets read by anyone. I also want to crank out one quick post about where I’m at today, which I’ll do separately just so this one can stand on its own.
##Update: here’s where I’m at today##