Round 24 - Himei POV
Himei's pulse throbbed in her ears when she stepped onto the stage.
Cirrus looked like something entirely beyond human, as usual. They hadn't interacted much with Himei before the show but to smile at her silently once when she was caught staring. She'd torn her gaze away, quiet resentment bubbling up in her chest. Fizzling out at the ever-present thoughts of Lark and Noora.
Her bruises had healed, for the most part, but she still required a bit of extra makeup to make herself presentable for the stage. Inside and out, Cirrus was better. They were just better. They looked it. They acted it.
They were better.
Himei had conquered the stage twice for a third kingdom come, and yet she felt as the spotlights beamed down on herself and her opponent that it would be the last. She wondered if this was how Tallis felt. Small. So small and insignificant.
The music reached her ears as if from some distant, long-forgotten dream or memory; perhaps a memory that turned out to be a dream after all, a fallacy of the mind. Her PR team had only just barely agreed on her song choice. They wanted her to stick to what was working, songs with attitude, songs with scoffs and snarls, but she argued that her fans would enjoy more depth from her now that she was in the final eight.
And that was probably true. It wasn't why she chose it, but it was probably true.
She could feel her heart down to her stomach, throbbing against the corset that sat snug around her torso, the perfect centerpiece to her flowy blouse and skin-tight pants with tall, thigh-high boots. They limited her movement, but she didn't need that freedom as she had her first two rounds. Her moves were slow and liquid smooth when the first words came from somewhere deep in her chest, flowing out with all the calm dignity she found from within as her eyes fixed on a point in the sky that seemed random to any viewer:
Just a moment Right before all the song and dance...
Himei had kissed Tov again before she was taken to the performance site.
It was a frenzied, frantic thing, an immediate clash of lips and teeth when she came to see Tov in her quarters. She maneuvered her so her back was to the door once it closed and kissed her until they were both breathless, then again until Tov planted two firm hands on her shoulders and shoved her back.
"What were you thinking?" she asked. She didn't sound angry. She didn't sound afraid, or affronted. She just looked sad. "Coming in here and doing that at a time like this? Like you're never going to see me again?"
Wasn't brave enough to tell you But there ain't gonna be another chance
Himei wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as if to swipe away the shame of her own actions, the taste of fear and self-loathing lingering on her tongue. "I don't know. I don't know, Tov, really, I don't know. I'm sorry."
Tov crossed her arms. "Sorry for what?"
Confusion made Himei's brow tilt. "For... for kissing you? You just said—“
"Well, I wish you weren't." Tov blinked, and only then did Himei notice a telling shine of moisture in her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but Tov beat her to it. "I wish you weren't sorry for kissing me, but for your own apparent need only to do it when you're afraid."
Himei stared, mouth agape.
She didn't know what to say or do. It felt like she was an inmate on death row about to meet the consequences of her crimes - what does one do on their last day? What can one do? Everything, and yet nothing at all?
Tov stepped into her space, gently as opposed to Himei's ferocity, always gentle when she needed to be and firm when she needed to be that, and Himei was always the wrong one at the wrong time, nothing but a broken record. Tov cupped Himei's face in her hands - smooth, unlike Tallis's. Smaller than his.
It's not long until All that I have And everything's still The minutes are racing
"Don't kiss me afraid," Tov whispered, her voice breaking. It sounded like a plea. "Just kiss me."
So Tov pressed her lips to Himei's, and Himei did.
They kissed. The moments passed as they embraced, as if it would be enough to rid of all the baggage and clear a path for the future, just this one moment.
Maybe it could.
In some other world, it could; the ghost of Tallis wouldn't be sitting with his chin propped up in one hand, staring vacantly through them. Lark and Noora wouldn't be whispering in Himei's ears, calling her a liar, a killer, a coward. Daiki wouldn't be perched on the desk in the corner with her feet on the chair looking Himei dead in the eye and hissing not so fun now that you've got it, huh?
They wouldn't be pursued by the ghosts of those long gone.
But right here, right now, they were.
Whatever I've done
That's why Himei had slipped her letter to Leona in the event that she lost.
I did it for love
Dearest Tov, she wrote, if you get this note, we both know that I lost. Guess it's about time, huh?
I did it for fun
I guess this is both a confession and a farewell. Don't get excited, it's not a love confession. If you're not dense, you should already know I love you. But that's not what this is about.
Couldn't get enough
I want you to do me a favor and turn this note in to the guards once you're done reading it. That way, maybe they'll be off your back for good. I know you see me in such a positive light, and it breaks my heart to think that you might not think that now, but I hope you can understand why I did the things I did—
I did it for fame
—I had a hand in poisoning Lark.
But never for money Not for houses Not for her Not for my future children Until now
No, that's stupid, I was the hand. I poisoned him. I received the drugs from an outside source and used them on him before your round. I was scared. I've never been very good at that faith thing you're so fluent in. I was so scared because this source I mention had considered using the drugs to take Min out so she wouldn't be a threat to me, and I almost died against Min. I considered using them on Daiki before Round 7 and then I didn't and Tallis paid for my mistake. It's something I can never forgive myself for.
How could I love again? How could I ever ask for more?
And I was afraid that you would die too, and I could have stopped it. I think if your round against Akane came before mine with Cirrus, I would probably kill her too. I don't care about the consequences anymore. It scares me as much as I'm sure it scares you.
And to the road ahead Into a life I can't ignore
I didn't mean to turn into this. I never wanted to become this person. I don't know if it was the real me all along and if this ugly competition brought it out in me, but I can't make it go away, and it can't go on. Noora showed me that it can't go on. So it has to stop tonight, and if it doesn't, I have to do something about it myself. I don't want you to remember me this way.
(Lose her) how could I love again? (Move on) how can I walk this path for sure? (Lose her) with no more time to spend (Move on) I know the answer more and more
Please do me one last favor, the biggest favor I could ever ask of you - please remember me as I was, not as I am.
As long as I can Long as I can Spend some time alone
Remember me as the girl who sat under Eden with you and named the stars in the sky after the people we loved. Remember me as your roommate who left her socks everywhere and tried to talk to you long past any reasonable hour. Remember me as your best friend who loved you and our Tallis very, very much.
As long as I can Long as I can Be the man I am
Look at my constellation and remember me as the brightest stars.
As the numbers on Himei's side of the scoreboard continued to steadily drop despite her passion, despite how fiercely she belted, she let the tears come freely, her eyes locked on the night sky before her, shining just for her as she shouted out to the heavens.
Oh, life is strange For one more hour I can rage For one more hour
No more lies. No more death.
As long as I can (lose her) As long as I can (move on) Spend some time alone As long as I can (lose her) As long as I can (move on) Remember who I am
The music began to peter out, and Himei's eyes searched not for her guardian in the crowd, not for her guardian’s child, but instead for Cirrus on the stage. You don't deserve this like I do, that last, fighting voice of rage and resentment cried.
Just a minute, fella, right before you go out there All your voices said you wouldn't last a minute bare One more hour and you'll know your life is one to share
You haven't suffered like I have! You haven't had to do the things I've done to get here! It should be me!
Just a minute, baby, right before we go from here All those people said we wouldn't last a minute near I'm with you and I could roll into another year
It should be me, the voice spat weakly, fading into nothing. It should be me.
But then why shouldn't it be Tallis? Why not Nyx for Dian? Why not Min? Lark, or Noora?
Why should it be any of them?
The music drew to a halt, leaving Himei in nothing but the silence of her own thoughts and ragged breaths.
She reached for the sky and—
BANG!
Just a minute, fella, right before you go out there All your voices said you wouldn't last a minute, bare One more hour and you'll know your life is one to share Just a minute, baby, right before we go from here All those people said they wouldn't last a minute near I'm with you and I could roll into another year Just a minute fella right before you go out there
Tov belongs to @ivanttakethis. Cirrus belongs to @cirrusoftheclouds. Lark and Noora belong to @kamersona. Daiki belongs to @daiki1k. Akane belongs to @aakaneeee. Min belongs to @starry-skiez. Nyx and Dian belong to @rockwgooglyeyes.
