#hopehappens

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Look out Yokohama

It has been a little while since I have posted and much has happened since the last post. One of the most notable things is, I was selected and awarded the IASLC’s Patient Advocacy Travel Award. This award allows me to travel to Yokohama, Japan for their annual World Conference on Lung Cancer. JAPAN!!! I cannot tell you how excited I am. For one, I get to travel to a country that I have always…

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[absolutegallery]

The Story behind Hope Happens by Hope Meadows "While discussing new design ideas, one of the gals mentioned that she had a friend going through cancer treatments and she was having a hard time finding a suitable card to send her friend. She wanted something uplifting but not too ‘sappy’. A card to let her know that she was thinking of her, to encourage her and show her support. Another gal in the office chimed in and said that she too had a family member going through treatment and didn’t find the right sentiment of card on the marketplace.   Then I received news that my dear cousin had colon cancer and would begin treatments. This news greatly upset me and I wanted to support him but I didn’t know how. I wanted to call him to offer any words of comfort but I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so instead, I said nothing. I, too, thought of sending a card but life took over and weeks passed. I thought of him as he was making the weekly drive to my home town of Ann Arbor, Michigan for treatments. I was afraid to make contact for my fear of ‘losing it’ in front of him. I wanted to be strong for him but inside I was torn apart. While we met up on a few occasions, the guilt of not reaching out more was tearing me up even more. This was my motivation for creating this card collection.    When I speak to people now about ‘Hope Happens’ I find that everyone has been touched somehow by cancer and other illnesses with friends, family and loved ones. That while we put on a smile each day for the world, that there are those going through rough times and we need to be sensitive to that. We like that the ‘Hope Happens’ collection speaks to many different people going through difficult times. Since cancer was the initial inspiration for the collection, we proudly donate 10% of our sales to the American Cancer Society.   Live, Give, Love Hope Meadows-Owner" These cards are proudly carried by Absolute Gallery! #absolutegallery #absolute_gallery #hopehappens #cancersucks #Americancancersociety #inspiration #greetingcard #greetingcards #puremichigan #madeinannarbor #madeinmichigan #lovelansing #oldtownlansing #whenyoujustdontknowwhattosay (at Absolute Gallery)

[thesearemyscarsorg]

Something magic happens when you gather lung cancer patients together!

On the evening of Thursday November 17th Lung Cancer Canada hosted their annual Evening of Hope Gala. What was different this year was that our Gala would kick off our first Hope is Here Patient Summit.

Views from the 6 or 24th floor.

City Hall

Dr. Wheatly-Price

Me and the lovely Deb Maskins

Dr. R Juergens, Casey Cosgrove, and Dr. N Leighl

Our hosts with the most!

We welcomed Canadians from all over the country to the first ever lung cancer patient summit for a one-day conference held at the Sheraton Centre in downtown Toronto. The Summit featured educational break-out sessions, inspirational speakers (including myself and other patients), and the opportunity to connect with people from all over Canada who have had a lung cancer diagnosis.

The day was opened by our President Dr. Wheatley-Price. I followed him in welcoming our guests by sharing a bit about my story and all the breakthroughs in treatments and diagnostics that have been approved and are in practice since I was diagnosed in 2009. Our  morning program began with New Advances in Lung Cancer and covered a number of topics: Screening and Surgery; Radiation Therapy; Immunotherapy and Targeted Therapies; Future Direction of Lung Cancer; and a question session moderated by Dr. Wheatley-Price.

Images like this always blow me away!

Faces of lung cancer

Adenocarcinoma drivers

Clinical trials save lives!

Dr. Gail Darling gave us a comprehensive overview of the roll-out for Ontario’s Early Screening Lung Cancer Program for high risk populations. This is fantastic news because all the research surrounding early detection programs is very positive. The NIH’s National Lung Screening Trial (NLST) 2011, showed a 20% decrease in mortality in the screened group. That may not seem like much, but consider that for the same number of breast cancer patients screened there is only a 3 to 4% decrease in mortality. They showed that the number of lung cancer patients needed to screen to save one life is 320. For colon cancer the number is 600 and for breast it is 1000, proving early screening for this targeted population is truly effective and does indeed save lives.

Radiologist Dr. David Palma provided a very passionate presentation about radiation in populations that may have previously been denyed an opportunity to have radiation as a viable option after metastasis. He also championed the idea that in order for patients to be partners in their care and recieve the best care, they need to know how to advocate for themselves, decipher reports and how to compare their care against published guidelines.

Dr. Rosalyn Juergens gave us the low-down on Immunotherapy and Targeted Therapies. A very informative session illustrating complexity of lung cancer and the variety of new therapies designed to treat them. She discussed the numerous targeted therapies available for both EGFR and ALK, but now also for ROS1 and other driver mutations. Immunotherapy is another area where a number of agents are being tested and approved for use in patients with great success and lasting effects. Finally, there is hope for lung cancer patients.

With our brains and notepads full, it was time for a break and a bit of socializing. Following the break, we continued with the McAlpine’s who shared their story with us. The crowd was brought to tears as Ian and his wife Cathy shared the ups and downs of accessing treatment. To my amazement, I realised that I had seen them many times and that we had shared a doctor. Their tenacity brought them from British Columbia to Ontario to get care, and I am so happy that the journey has been successful.

My former oncologist Dr. Jeffrey Rothenstein gave his presentation about participating in and accessing clinical trials. According to his presentation, only 3 out o f 100 patients take part in clinical trials and even fewer lung cancer patients participate. What is mindboggling is that 85% of patients aren’t aware that clinical trials are viable treatment options. I can attest that clinical trials save lives! I literally wouldn’t be alive today if it weren’t for that option.

My current oncologist Dr. Natasha Leighl presented her perspective on treatment access and cost. What was great about this presentation was that it wasn’t just literal cost of medications that was discussed, but the toll on the family, inequality of access, and a number of other factors that affect patients after a diagnosis of lung cancer. I had no idea that Canada was second behind the U.S. in out of pocket drug costs, and that 91% of cancer patients will suffer from financial toxicity. She also highlighted the fact that Canada is much slower than other countries when it comes to drug approval and funding. This was a focus of Lung Cancer Canada this year in their 2016 edition of Faces of Lung Cancer.

Before we dispersed for lunch, my friend and our Vice President Casey Cosgrove discussed advocacy and community involvement. Illustrating both the need for volunteers and advocates and ways to help. I loved his point that not everyone is good at or wants to do everything, but if we do what we’re are comfortable with, we can help in our own way.

During our lunch break, our keynote speaker Darrell Fox spoke to us about his older brother Terry, and the legacies Terry Fox left behind. The Terry Fox Foundation which has raised over 700 million dollars since Terry’s death in 1981 and the Terry Fox Research Institute. The TFRI is funding the Pan-Canadian Early Lung Cancer Detection Study. Darrell also shared his father Roland’s story. Rollie as he was known passed away this year from lung cancer making the Fox family a part of our community. It was a truly emotional speech and not many of us had a dry eye.

Terry Fox’s Legacy

Mr. Darrell Fox

The remainder of the day consisted of breakout sessions that included sessions in nutrition, breathing and exercise, financial planning and palliative care. Each session was very informative. The nutrition session provided ideas and tips to quick healthy meals that cater to health and healing. The exercise and breathing session demonstrated activities that one could do at home and that could be adapted to differing abilities. The session was sponsored by Wellspring who hosts a 20 week exercise program for patients. The financial planning session provided tips to help plan while ill, or to prepare incase of death. Finally, the session on palliative care discussed the variety of options and that palliative care isn’t just about dying.

After regrouping it was time to close the day with a photo and good-byes.

It is impossible to describe the feeling when you meet someone else like you.Therefore unimaginable when you meet 60. All I can say is my heart was full and I am so privileged to be a part of such a wonderful event. This was Lung Cancer Canada’s first Hope Is Here Patient Summits, I know it won’t be the last. I thank everyone in the office and all the volunteers and sponsors for everything you did!

AM

    Magic Happens Something magic happens when you gather lung cancer patients together! On the evening of Thursday November 17th Lung Cancer Canada hosted their annual Evening of Hope Gala.

[hope-happens]

Wife On The Water.

I’m not really a fan of Starbucks. I don’t hate it by anystretch, but anyone who knows me knows how much I love my Dutch Bros family. Sometimes I have meetings in Starbucks only because Dutch only has outdoor picnic tables for seating. Today is the only day out of the year an am forever grateful for The Bucks though.

 Today I am posting this on a special day for any happily married couple. It is also the day that “proud” single people make excuses why today is only about antacid heart-shaped candies and spending money on stupid stuff.  Today I am not with my wife. I am on a trip with my father in Montana when I want to be with her on this day. This is my first Valentines Day not spent with her since we started dating. I joked before I left that I am bummed because I have a feeling that this was my last shot at being her valentine. Our son is coming and I think when he shows up she might just have a new special man in her life. So, being states away I thought I would share the story of us, and who she really is to me. It is story of her strength in this first year of Multiple Sclerosis, which the experts say is extremely difficult. This story might be different than you think. So, please join me on a journey of why I am thankful for Starbucks because somehow I ended up marrying my parent’s barista.

 I think it was a Saturday at my parent’s house that it all started. I came over to spend some time with them when my dad came strolling in. He had a Starbucks in hand and immediately spoke up. “Hey you should meet this girl at Starbucks. She is pretty and really nice. Her name is Angela.”  At 22 years old, I thought I had this life and specifically that part of it figured out. I spoke up promptly and told him that that’s not how I meet girls. I mean I was training to become a Youth Pastor. I figure I would meet her at a young adults group or somewhere else that I thought was spiritual. I shrugged my dad off and moved on.

 It was about a month later I was in that neighborhood Starbucks. I was helped by a pretty and nice barista. Then I saw her nametag and it read… Angela. I am fairly good with names so I remembered that was whom my dad had mentioned. I did think my dad made a good call, but I don’t pick up baristas at Starbucks. There was no way I would date a girl that my pops had picked out. I moved on. A month later things started to look on purpose though. I was in service at the church doing my weekly thing. During worship I was in the front off to the right when I happened to look over. In the section next to me was The Barista. She was looking fly in her street clothes, and quite hot. I never approached her though. I made an excuse not to say anything. I was so focused on ministry that I think I was looking for some excuse. My excuses were about to run out.

 Not long after seeing The Barista in church I preached in main services. The next Sunday she approached me. Looking as attractive as the first time, she started a conversation. She thanked me for the message I brought the week before. She talked about how much it meant to her and that the spirit clearly spoke to her through it. I thought to myself, “Are sure that was the spirit hot stuff?” So, that’s when I became interested. She had a calling to work with teenagers like I did. She had grown up in the same church. We had just never crossed paths. I then invited her to join my youth team. Looking back maybe I used that as a way to get to know her.

 I started flirty texting with The Barista not long after that. I found out she was leaving for Simpson University after the summer. I kept a relational distance in the beginning because I didn’t want to get into another long distance relationship. But, we went on a first date anyways. We went to play mini golf and She wore an interesting outfit. I found out later that her sisters dressed her because putting an outfit together is not one of her many gifts. They dressed her to mess with her. I guess it didn’t work ladies. I knew I really liked this chick because of a bold moment she had after youth group. We were hanging out with a ton of people at Denny’s. I was messing with her in front of the crew when one of my leaders spoke up. Carole said, “You better be careful, if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.”  In a very confident tone I gabbed back. “She more of a calf,” I said. About ten minutes later an uncomfortable feeling starting going down my body. It was cold, wet, and sticky. It was a milkshake that The Barista had dumped on my head. The room went nuts. I acted mad and told her she was crazy if she thought we were hanging out after that. I mean, I had really good long hair. I loved that moment though. I thought she could handle me. She became Angie.

 Angie left for Simpson at the end of summer and I was really bummed about it. We were going to try to make it work though. Not long into that first semester she started experiencing sleep problems. It was weird and quite severe. She wasn’t doing well. I like to think it was a side effect of being away from me. But, after that first semester she transferred to Jessup. She was back. She had built a relationship with my parents at this point. It was a real relationship though, beyond taking their latte orders. Angie and my mom came to me with an interesting proposition. They asked how I felt about Angie moving in with them as she was moving back to Sacramento. This made me a little uneasy but I agree to that semester. She lived with my parents for 2 years.

 We got more serious from that moment when she moved home. My family went on a vacation to Costa Rica and Angie came along. There was a special moment on that trip. We were going through a relationship book together and got to a part where it talked about honestly sharing our pasts with each other. That moment was really hard for both of us. It was incredible though. We both realized the person we were sharing our deepest stuff with, trusting with our insecurities, and forgiving for not being entirely truthful, was one we wanted to be with.

 I am a visionary so asking for Angie’s hand was quite the event. I’ll try to make it short. We were at dinner in Midtown with both my parents and her mother and step dad. At the end of the meal a desert was delivered with a note on it. I had pretended to go to the bathroom to get in place. There was a film crew and photographer that came out right when it was delivered. The note read, “Make your way to the lobby.” She got up and her father was waiting in the lobby, bolo tie and all. He then escorted  her a block away to a rooftop loft where I was waiting. Musical friends of ours were up there playing our song. It was “Best Thing” by Relient K. There was a sign behind me that said that I had a question.

 She said yes.

 A year later we got married. It was an incredible Midtown wedding surrounded by family and friends. There was a special moment that happened because Angie lived with my parents for those two years. My dad never had a daughter. With tears in his eyes he told me that it was a special day because he got to not only see his oldest married. But, he also got to give away his daughter. My father loves Angie. We wrote our own vows. I decided to get outside my comfort zone and wrote a poem. It was appropriately title The Barista. Here is The Barista.

"I once heard good things come when you least expect it. But when my dad said i should meet this Barista at Starbucks, i just rolled my eyes and ignored it. Little did i know that this girl was different. she was alive, a passionate, and gifted. She was fun, beautiful, driven But most of all her love for God real and intimate. I  was shocked at first that my dad had had picked her but now i know God was the master planner

Angie you make me feel alive, handsome, loved and i will seek to make you feel the same from this day and beyond. i will seek to lead us well with Christ as our center and through him our love will only grow stronger. i completely believe that our life will be blessed but even when hard times come we weill stand the test. and even though physical touch is not my love language i promise to cuddle and give back rubs, even more than you can manage.

I could talk for hours on how we make sense and how i will love you even more 40 years from the present i will end with this so we an go to the party because i can feel Grandma getting antsy as she's ready for dancing

i once heard we have hole in our lives that only God can fill. But for me that hole was filled,but there was something more still. And then this Barista can along that my dad had noticed and little did i know that with her that something missing feeling… was lifted."

  I can’t believe that was almost three years ago. It has been an adventure. It has been so much fun. I finally get why some people in a corny way say they married their best friend. Last year started a new chapter in our young marriage. It has been the hardest and most humbling year of my life. When I got my diagnosis it was a moment that I felt very human. It has showed me the need for a powerful partner in crime. It has been a time filled with pain, tears, and worry. It was a year where a planner like myself has had to trust and step out into the unknown. Angie has been a rock the entire time. Her prayers have been unwavering. Her support has been absolutely overwhelming. The MS had progressed over the first six months and Angie was solid through all of it. It was because of how God used her that it also has been a year of hope.

 As the transition from my role as Youth Pastor was happening at the end of 2014, I was a bipolar mix of emotions. It was moving into a time where I had to stop “doing”, and start simply “being.” MS needed me to rest, and I am not good at that. It was time to be still. I knew this was what God was leading us to do for this next season, but I was filled with fear stepping into it. It had been a struggle. But, there was one who lifted up my arms up the entire time. Every time I went to her struggling she was confident and peaceful. Angie was completely living in trust of God. She was a calm in the storm.

 Many people have heard the event of Jesus walking on the water.  His disciples were terrified and thought it was a ghost. Then in Matthew 14 it goes like this..

 27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” 28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” he said.

 In all the craziness that this last year had been I soon  had a special moment in this new one. I started to see this season differently. I saw myself on the boat looking at Jesus out on the water. I knew I was supposed to step out, but was afraid. It was stepping out of everything I found my self worth in. It was stepping out of all the successes and failures. It was stepping out of where I found my identity.  As I looked out to Jesus one more time it looked different. As I was stepping out to trust Jesus in this new chapter there was someone out on the water already. There was someone standing confidently next to Him. Together they were gesturing to me waving their hands as if to say, “Join us Ryan.”

 Angie was already out on the water.

 During a really hard season she has had a supernatural strength. She has held her husband in her arms as he wept uncontrollably. She has spoken life to him when he couldn’t do it for himself. When he only remembers failures, she talks about all the great victories. And, every time he desperately wanted to know what was next for them, she saw the beauty in not knowing all steps. She saw the beauty of simply being obedient in this one.

 It has been a humbling year to say the least. God has been so good too us. He has shown me why marriage was his plan for my life. Hope Happens when you have someone who believes the best for you when you struggle to see it. It happens when you find someone who not only puts up with your stuff, but also sees the you beyond it. Hope Happens when you have people who believe for healing when you are just not feeling it. It happens when you surround yourself with the type of people who call you out onto the water for a better story.  

 As a male I always wanted to be a hero. I wanted to rescue a damsel in distress. I wanted to be a man of God that was worth following and looking up too. This season has showed me that I don’t need to be that all the time. There is way too much pressure in being this big hero all the time. The truth is sometimes, in some seasons, everyone needs to be rescued. I can humbly say that in this year The Barista has been my hero. She has helped me keep the main thing the main thing.  The main thing has name. His name is Jesus. She has helped me keep my eyes on the one she stands next to on the water.  And, as she helped me keep my eyes fixed on Him, I didn’t sink.

 I love you Angie.

[hope-happens]

Hey There Delilah.

This weekend Angie and I were down in Palm Desert. We flew down for the weekend for my Great Grandmother's 95th birthday party. My fathers whole family made it down to honor an amazing women. Grandma Des is a baller. I say this because she asked me to send her pictures so she could put them on her iPAD. It was an incredible time with family and friends. Something funny happened though right before we flew home from Los Angeles. We were hanging out in the glitzy and glamorous The Grove in LA. People go there to shop and look for celebrities in the wild. But, neither of those things were the highlight for us. While walking around we spotted a French Bulldog. So as many French Bulldog owners do we felt completely confident walking up, telling them that we have two, and meeting Lulu the frenchie.Then something happened that was redicilous and only French Bulldog owners would understand. Lulu's mom asked with confidence regarding our frenchies, "Do they have an Instagram?" With the same confidence that she asked, we answered, YES. We moved on and we immediately followed @LuluNasty. Then. quickly after, @LuluNasty followed @DibbsAndDel.

If you didn't know, We are dog people.

Before I share an awesome story let me try to put context to the ridiculousness of that encounter. French Bulldog's have this weird cult like following. The whole "our dog has an Intsa" is not bizarre for the breed. People have this crazy fancisnation with these little creatures. The most famous frenchie, named Manny, has over 635k followers on Instagram and an App Store game where he flies around trying to catch bacon. Ok, as I am writing this it is really weird. We love our little dogs though. Our "Furbabies" are in trouble though when a real human baby comes in May. Dibbs is our oldest and was a surprise for Angie. Frenchies are not the cheapest little guys so I got an idea to set up a registry for him to surprise Angie for her bridal shower. I had lived on my own for a while so we really didn't need a ton of stuff. So, I set up the registry and found a puppy that would be ready right when the shower was. That was a little hard because there isn't an incredible abundance of breeders. I am also picky and wanted a boy in a certain coloring. I found him though, in Florida. He flew all the way for her big day. My mom even made the shower french themed and my wife freaked out when I delivered him during the gifts on that special day. A picture is worth 1,000 words right?

Dibbs is Angie's little boy and he is the sweetest little charmer. He was there for the wedding festivities…

Right now you might be thinking, ok I don't really want to read about these losers obsession. Trust me though, there is a point and it's about to get extraordinarily cool. 

Dibbs is obivously Angies. I am kind of a second class citizen in his eyes I think. I used to have a pit mix rescue I got in college while volunteering at the humane society. The new house has no yard, and no room for that old girl to run free. She lives with Angie's dad and is living the life now, has yard, and goes everywhere with him. So, little did I know last year it was about to be my turn.

This is the story of Delilah.

If there is one thing I am not good at it is pranks. Part of it is not liking being the butt of a joke. Part of it is a horrible prank I pulled when I was first starting to work with teenagers. The prank went horribly wrong. So, I don't take part in them anymore. Last april fools day I tried my hand at one again. Angie and I had talked about eventually getting a puppy for Dibbs. We had just moved, Dibbs was alone all day, showing stress, and we thought it might be good to think about. In my mind a frenchie would be the only option, because once you go French Bulldog you never go back. On April Fools Day I get a message from someone who serves at the church named Pam. Pam's friends are local French Bulldog Breeders and had just had a litter. The pictures of these puppies were awesome. I was a little in love. I was sitting in the office getting ready to start a meeting and had a thought. I know! I will text my wife a picture of these puppies and say, "Angie I am going to get one of these puppies today and you won't make me take it back." My wife oversees the finances in our little family so I thought this would get her. She takes our finances seriously and I love her for it.

Like a mature adult she texted back. She said, "Babe lets sit down tonight over dinner and really talk about this." Talk about what?! I thought. Then I stood up in the conference room and said, "I am getting a puppy!" I went home that night with my ammunition fully loaded. We started talking and she seemed open to the idea. So, i spoke up. I said, "If we get a puppy we are getting a girl, she will be mine, and I already have name." She was amused by my passion and asked what the name was. I confidently said I would name her Delilah and they would be "Dibbs and Del." She loved it and we went to bed dreaming of a puppy.

She woke up in the morning, not feeling like Diddy, but feeling way more practical and responsible. She said it wasn't  the right time and wasn't a good financial decision. It felt like a balloon deflating in my gut. So, i used the artillery. I left the house saying what she and my father said to me about the pit mix I let go live with her Dad. I said, "Think about whats best for Dibbs." I went to work sad that day. It made it worse when I went to lunch with some of the guys at Habit Burger. Quickly after we got there the song "Hey There Delilah" started playing in the restaurant. That made me quite sad. Very soon after lunch I got a call.

It was my wife. Angie was calling to inform me that we had an appointment. With an extreme excitement I ask her what type of appointment. She had called the breeder. We hadn't gotten that far into the process. She then told me that its was a litter of 7, and that there were only two left. She said that both were girls. I found myself getting really excited at the possibility. Did I mention that I am a dog person? Then she said something interesting. She said, "Here is the thing though, they already named the puppies." I thought, so what, I can change this puppies name. Then she dropped a bomb. "Guess what one of there name's is?" I refused to guess the name because this "april fools prank" was getting to weird. I honestly thought she messing with me. Angie then said, "One of the available puppies name is Delilah." In shock I went to meet her.

We got to the house and made our way to the backyard. They let Delilah and the other puppy, Willow, out to meet us. I found a spot on the grass to sit down and waited for them. They came out and Delilah sprinted straight to me. She was mine. We had to leave her that day because she wasn't quite ready to leave yet with all the medical stuff they do to get puppies ready. I went to visit her a couple more times before she was ready. She had claimed me. A year later when I am home and see her i get a silly little smirk on my face. Hey There Delilah.

At this point you might be saying, cool story, whats the point. Ryan, are you trying say that God gave you that puppy? Well, let me share a little more of the story of Delilah. I was experiencing interesting symptoms physically when we went to get this puppy. A month later we got the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. In the beginning I was in bed, at home, and not doing well. Delilah never left my side, my lap, or my presence. It is crazy being a grown man and saying that in a really rough time that this puppy was a comfort. She was sort of like that little comfort blanket that kids have. In a really hard time in my life, in a time of the unknown, she was a support and weird stability. I am thankful for that spunky little dog.

In James 1:17 it says "17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

Delilah was a good gift. Could it have just been a ridiculous coincidence? Maybe. But, maybe God has a way of even turning coincidences into good gifts. Maybe the one who is known as The Great Comforter gives us great comfort from unexpected places. Maybe hope happens when were grateful for the smallest things we have in this life. Even in the hard moments, hope happens when we approach this one shot at living with a grateful heart.

I am grateful for Delilah.

I have a grateful heart because I believe God doesn't just reveal himself to us to super spiritual moments or church settings. If we're looking we realize he shows up in the everyday moments too. I am grateful for today. I am grateful for my wife, my family, and my friends who have been strength in a rough season. This life is a gift worth enjoying. So, I say let's live.

Romans 8:28 Says And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

I want to feel comfort in the hope that happens when we decide life is not about what happens to us. It happens when we decide that the storms that we go through will not define us, The One who quiets storms will. God didn't give me Multiple Sclerosis, but it doesn't mean he can't use it and shape a better me in the process. Hope Happens in how we respond to hard times, and how we are grateful in all the gifts we do have during them.

So, I am going to keep shrugging my shoulders when I get home. And, with a smirk on my face say, "Hey There Delilah."

[hope-happens]

7 Years Strong.

Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

This last sunday was surreal. It is not a moment I can see myself forgetting and will go down as one of the most special moments of my life. I have heard it said and have seen it first hand that God is a giver of good gifts. And, at the end of a really tough year He gave me a gift a couple days after his son's birthday. Let's start from the beginning though...

Just over 7 years ago I was driving a fully packed car back to Sacramento from Chico. I was just a couple weeks into my junior year and something drastic was happening. The emotions in that car ride were all over the board, or should I say the dash board. I was filled with excitement, adventure, and smiles. But, I was also filled with fear, panic, and a major stress. The mixed bag of emotion was because I was making a big and sudden life change. It was a change that in the world's standards was quite random, and even really stupid. My life in Chico was awesome. I was working for an amazing organization named YoungLife under a man who had invested into my life and helped shape the man I am today. I lived in a house that would make college students drool, with my best friends I did YoungLife with. We lived blocks from Chico State and the high school that we were leading students at. My family actually owned the house as an investment. It was was college bliss. My story was about to drastically shift however.

Everyone was shocked when I told them I was dropping out of school, packing up the car, and moving back to the Sacramento area. I was coming home to becoming the youth director of the church my family went to growing up. It didn't make sense, because I didn't like it much in high school. To make a long and really good story short, in the time I felt clearly that God was telling me sometimes you have completely let go of your plans to expierence what He has for your life. I heard a friend a couple of years ago do a message on cliff jumping that made me think of this moment. He talked about how following God is a lot like cliff jumping. This resonated with me growing up in Folsom. It is a town that runs along the American River. Cliff jumping is something that we did all summer long every year. He talked about how in cliff jumping there is this line called "The point of no return."  It is the point where there is no going back, turning around, or changing your mind. When you have done it, you are officially a Cliff Jumper. But, there are people who hang out at the top of the cliff who love the whole scene and never jumped. Cliff Jumping is sort of like following God. You have to be willing to risk it all to experience His plan over your own comfort and safety. It was interesting hearing this message years after I left Chico because as I was really praying about this decision of staying in Chico or leaving everything I know for this opportunity I kept getting the word... JUMP.

So, I jumped.

What a relief it was that when i went to the offices at Chico and told them I was dropping out, it was the day before it would effect my transcripts and they refunded my semesters tuition.

There were things I could have done differently in that time of transition but it was happening. I was young and immature but passionate beyond measure. Not long ago I met with my leader and owned how I left, and he with open arms loved me and was genuinely for me through it all. I love you Matt. 

So, I was in a packed car driving into the unknown. It was a decision that would change my life forever. If I hadn't jumped and wouldn't have met my wife Angie, graduated from a college I love, and had the last 7 years of being used by God with these people I love the way I have. Cliff Jumping in that moment changed my life forever.

That was 7 years ago in september. This Sunday was my last sunday at East Valley Church as the Youth Pastor. I wish I could share all the stories of ridiculous and incredible things we have been able to do. 7 years in the youth pastor world is a really long time to be in one assignment. I feel for people who don't see what I have been able to see though. I have watched young people I started leading when they were in junior high becoming men and women with huge callings on their lives. One of them even, who is now my sister, is running our Jr. High program at an awesome level. I have lived life with an incredible amount of young and old who are relentlessly running after Jesus together. I love them and they inspire me. We have gotten to have a huge impact in our city for the last 7 years. And if I never jumped I would never have these stories that I do. I wouldn't trade the last 7 years for anything.

So, why the change?

Like I stated before, it has been a really hard year. In the begging of this year I lost my grandfather. He was the type of man who taught me how to love family and keep them together through everything. I got to lead prayer at the reception. Then I started to experience weird symptoms. After weeks of it getting worse we ended up hospitalizing me one night. We couldn't figure out what was happening. The ER doctor said I needed an MRI immediately. The week I was getting my MRI results my cousins wife, who I look at as a cousin collapsed in a grocery store to find out she had leukemia. I praise God that i can say had in the past-tense. We then got my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis that same week in April. The damage in my brain was not minimal, but looked as if I was experiencing attacks for a couple years now. A new journey, a new fight, was beginning. Those who know me knew we had a peace however because I am a fighter. Not long after diagnosis Angie and I had a vacation planned in Portland. A mentor of mine said I needed to use it to sit at the feet of God because He has something to say about all this. So that is what we did for the week. We felt him clearly say...

I have you.

As most people know I am very intense. I do everything a hundred miles and hour. When we felt Him say that to us, I took it as "Ok! Let's Go!" I continued to run at the highest pace I could. It was a rough first 6 months for me. I was feeling as if I wasn't myself quite a bit. I was feeling like I was letting people down because I could not operate at the high level I do normally. MS fatigue can be really rough. I am not sure how to describe it, but its like an entire system shutdown. The times I have experienced it I remember the tears in the eyes of my family. That first time I was in the hospital was obviously my first real attack of the fatigue and it was scary. I almost felt scared I would not wake up. The Pastors and leadership have been so in it with us. Everyone was willing to work with my schedule and how I had been feeling. The crazy part about it was we were filled with this confident hope the whole time. A couple of months ago we had the first follow up MRI since diagnosis. When I was in the imaging center the technician said my neurologist would get the results the next day at noon. I knew if I got results that quickly, it would be really good news, or something else. I got the call the next day and it was something else. The MS had progressed in a continuous manner over those 6 months. So, my wife and I got back on our face before God.

I kept being brought back to the word "I have you." I remember having a moment of thinking, "Do you? Because I am not seeing it." Then Angie and I felt Him saying "Ryan, you don't have you. Its time to let me have you." He was taking me back to the message I gave to the church 2 weeks after the diagnosis. Yes, I preached 2 weeks after, I am that intense. I had a line in that message that He was going to have me live out in a way I hadn't before. It's funny when He has to make you eat what you preach. In that message I said "We have to conquer out of a place of surrender." Little did I know all these months later I was going to live it at a whole different level. We felt him start to reveal what the next step is in our fight with MS. 

If you know anything about this disease you know stress and anxiety is one of the most dominant triggers of attacks. And, the truth is those are two things I have fed off of for a really long time. I loved them. I have always wanted to do big things with my life. I have always wanted to be this big leader. I have operated out of a place that if I am not stressed and overwhelmed I am not doing big enough things. Every youth event, every birthday, every vacation is packed to the brim on purpose. I think if I'm not careful I'm in a place that I think a lot of Pastor's and leaders get to. We do all this stuff for God instead of just being with him. Sometimes there is a real difference between the two. If I told you that I do all this stuff for Angie, but we spend no time together, you would tell me our marriage isn't healthy. We have a God that wants relationship with us, no "doing things" to receive it. During these last couple months we keep being brought back to the same scripture. It is found in the book of Psalms.

Psalm 46:10 He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

So, thats what were doing. My wife and I are going to BE STILL. If you know me at all, or have seen me preach, you know I am not good at being still. During this time things have happened that have been absolute confirmation that we are suppose to go into this season. For the year of 2015 I am not working, not leading ministries, and focusing on finding my identity not in everything I am doing and conquering. We are going to live out surrender. I am going into to this season with three specific focuses...

Leaning on God's strength instead of my own.

Giving my MS journey more attention in the beginning.

My Son is on the way, Micah.

One incredible thing we found out this year we have a baby on the way. He is our first. It has hit me hard that my son deserve a father who walks in this level of obedience. He deserves a father who fights for him in a different way. 

This transition has been incredible. Everyone we have been in it with has been so behind us. Every meeting about this decision has been filled with tears, and filled with a great hope. Every single meeting has been complete confirmation about this decision. I called my wife when we both left the meeting with the Pastors that I have served under and bawled my eyes out telling her how thankful I am that I sat under them for the last 7 years. I love you Pastor Joe & Pastor Don. The Pastors, Leadership, Family, Friends, and the church are all behind us. And, because they are, THERE IS FREEDOM.

I was asked to preach my final sunday in main services. I love that this transition has been so healthy and honoring that I would be able to go out strong like that. It was an incredible day filled laughter, joy, and plenty of tears. And, I did move around a lot up there. It was exactly how I would want the last day to be. It was a good gift.

So, here I am. I am standing on the edge of a cliff with one hand holding my wife's hand and the other one feeling Micah kick in her tummy. We are excited, joy filled, and expectant. People have asked me what is going to happen after this year. And, it is interesting, I don't know. For the first time in a long time I am fine with that answer. I haven't felt this way since driving down the 65 coming back from Chico. God usually doesn't give us all the steps, but He is faithful to give us the next one. Our next step is over the line called "the point of no return." I cant wait to see what He does with it.

I'm Ryan DesJardin, and I am Cliff Jumper.

[hope-happens]

Something Worth Standing For.

Phillipians 2:3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

Last week I got the opportunity to celebrate a great moment with some of my young people. I don't have children of my own, but the teenagers I get to live life with I am quite proud of. It is high school graduation season and a busy one for me. This year  I got to proudly stand for more students than normal at numerous graduations. It is a fun and proud moment to see each of their faces as the announcer calls their name out. Some schools do it fun and allow students to walk out with their friends while others are more "professional" and do it alphabetically. It is definitely easier for me to follow along when it's in order.

Graduations are pretty standard most of the time. Lots of names being called and a special guest speaker like a Superintendent. They might have a witty student speaker, or a decent jazz band, but that is not why I am there. 

I AM THERE TO STAND.

I love standing and cheering when I hear a young persons name I know. My mind is flooded with memories. I remember moments of growth. I remember moments of tears. And, for many of my students I remember the moment where they stepped into their destiny. I get filled with a proud heart. I am filled with hope for their future. I honestly believe the correct response for the moment is to stand. This moment has nothing to do with me, and has everything to do with them. So I stand and cheer and yell, and do my best to embarrass them. :)

Last week there was a moment at one of these graduations that I don't believe I will ever forget. They were about half way through long list of names when something different happened. When I look back on high school I remember how filled with selfishness I was. It didn't matter if it was in a dating relationship, on the football field, or at a family dinner, everything was about one thing…. ME. My whole life was completely about what I would get out of every situation. I think I am not alone in my selfish motives. I remember my graduation day. I remember really hoping people would cheer for me because this moment was completely about…ME. 

Now back to this graduation. We are half way through when they started announcing very specific names. There was a cluster of special needs students who were graduating in this class. And something happened right then that began to moisturize my eyes. When I realized what was happening the moisturizing turned into a major plumbing leak in my face. As these special students names got called I watched the rest of their class start to cheer, and then roar, and then stand. In a moment that was absolutely about them, they took a moment to really love others. A large portion were standing at the end of the those names and giving hugs and HighFives as they made there way back to their seats. I saw Jesus in those hugs and high fives. Look at the man Jesus was and the way he loved not just the popular people, but everybody. I believe that Jesus would have annoyed everyone he sat by at that graduation last week. Jesus would have cheered and snuck out an air-horn for every single name. And, He would stand for your name too.

You should have seen those special students faces. They felt important. They felt proud. They felt loved. And most importantly they were filled with hope. I was proud of the that graduating class. I believe that moment taught me something about hope. Maybe hope happens in moments when we celebrate others. Maybe it happens when we take the chance to not worry about ourselves for a change. Maybe hope happens when we take every opportunity we can to love on other people and when the time is just right, to stand and cheer them on.

He Has Me,

Ryan

[folkloreupdates]

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HI THANK YOU THAT'S SWEET WHOA LUCKY YOU HAVE FUN!! AND THANKS AGAIN AW!!