moving on and not getting over
tonight i met someone new and being around him made me miss you so much more. he kissed me but not the way that i had been so used to. not s w e e t enough, not p a s s i o n a t e enough. he kissed my neck and his breath, hot on my neck, made me giggle. “my neck is ticklish,” i had to say, but you would’ve already known that. at that point you would’ve said “oh really? you’re ticklish there? i didn’t know,” while you continued to blow hot air on my neck, making me giggle uncontrollably. then i would yell at you to stop and struggle to get away from you. that memory alone in the back of my mind makes me want to scream stop. “THIS HAS NO MEANING,” my mind keeps saying over and over, but i let it continue.
i’m with someone else and it makes me miss you even more?
what is wrong with me?
i try to make sense of it and it’s clear to me now that i tried to move on too fast. i wasn’t ready for this. when he touches me it feels so foreign and when you touched me it felt like i was an instrument that only you knew how to play. when my hands trailed his skin it wasn’t what i had been so used to, it felt foreign. when he whispered in my ear it wasn’t soothing. it made me want to stop him in the middle of his sentence and say, “say something meaningful, don’t make with small talk with me.” most of all i think i hated how in a few short months you felt like home to me because now every other person feels like an unwanted guest.