Out of the box and at once back in again
Look around you, and everything is “queer”. Modern “queer” culture seeks to set itself apart from the narrowly defined conventions of the past. The conventions of “straightness”, “love” and “sex”. It is also important to note that I think this is in part a reaction to the assimilationist politics of the gay rights movement in the 80s and 90s and even the 2000s. So, to me it is a course correction and a deviation from the supposed norms of these politics in particular with their focuses on marriage and more normative nuclear family structures. But that doesn’t mean that this course correction has done everything right or that it doesn’t define itself in ways that seem just as narrow and just as harmful. I do believe that in the search to set itself apart modern queer culture has made members of its community drift apart, and in a lot of ways have created new standards of “queerness” that often mirror the harmful politics of the past and forget how not all of the politics of the past had an assimilationist tone and therefore offers a revisionist history that displaces some of the most marginalized people within it. I also feel like it sacrifices complexity and nuance for a simplified watered-down buzzword culture. Nowhere is this more the case I think than those who are advocates for polyamory, now before I go further I want to make clear that I don’t think polyamory in itself is bad I think those who are its strongest defenders can sometimes have for lack of a better term bad tactics when they advocate for its usage. One of my least favorite arguments I’ve seen from those who favor polyamory is that monogamy is somehow “inherently toxic” you may not have heard the news but all relationships can in of themselves be toxic, are there people that practice monogamy that go about it in douchey ways yes but you can see this in all forms of relationships. Going a further step everything taught to us by “straightness” or “heteronormativity” is “inherently bad” things like jealousy, possessiveness to expand further on possessiveness, I think there’s this idea that is held up as a “progressive and “radical” idea that all relationships are “50-50” and that there is always a equal amount of labor distributed in relationships, otherwise they must be inherently abusive by nature. I would offer however that the relationship has its own set of dynamics and it’s important to not assume the dynamics or at the very least we blame squarely on the person you think is involved in the harmful dynamic for staying in the dynamic, also people’s needs in relationships are different than other people’s I believe it is important to commit this thought to our memory whenever we think about relationships, I think not to do so sets in ablest precedent of who is more deserving of being in/in relationships, which often harms non-able normative/able-bodied people in relationships, and makes us feel as though we are burdens to our partners or romantic interest and are unworthy of having them if we, so desired. I think it is important to think about why certain emotions and feelings may crop up in relationships and to allow people to process these feelings without judgment or smugness. Which brings me to my next point which is a lot of advocates assume everyone’s relationship to relationship culture is the same, which it is not some people may have trauma around relationships that makes polyamory not a reasonable option for them because polyamory may not seem like a stable enough commitment. Now, I know what people may say is they think that I’m not advocating that one person can fill someone’s every need and want and that’s not what I’m advocating nor do I think that’s what monogamy is to me monogamy is a choice to be romantically with one person, the key thing being that it is a choice I don’t think this means that you own the person that you are with because I believe that is truly some archaic shit. My problem with polyamory and some of the culture that surrounds it is it sets I believe a narrow and ill-defined definition of what is “straightness” and what isn’t and sets those who don’t believe in it outside of modern “queer” culture which feels like the more straight thing to me especially with the people it winds up displacing in its rush to defy
