Catching a lie with a narcissist
this is a big one. Narcissists who get caught in a lie do not just "stop" or "get better" or "change" no matter how much you tried to empathize, repair, understand or gain clarity about it. This is going to sting. I know it does and I'm so sorry..
Let's process this together.
if that's what they defaulted to outside of your presence, and they didn't stop their ways on their own, getting caught isn't going to change that. They might apologize, they might fake remorse. They aren't sorry for hurting you. They knew what they were doing. They didn't care. Not about you, the outcome or the consequences. They are only sorry they got caught. They are kicking themselves in the ass for not being sneakier about it.
They might promise it will never happen again. There might be breaking down, tears or some other dramatic theatrical performances.
Don't buy that bullshit. Please translate this whole thing as if they were saying "I promise to never get caught again" for your own sake.
They are low individuals with little moral compass in life, it's hard to care when you're a narcissist, much less care in regards to anyone elses feelings.
Narcissists are best described as adult babies that need instant gratification and their little whines and cries met. This stems from unmet needs from childhood (not your fault, not your issues to fix)
So how does cheating come into play? The mind will attempt to rationalize this, but when you're dealing with an irrational person it's not going to make sense.
They need validation from outsiders so they can feel better about how bad they treat you and everyone around you. Anyone can pretend to be someone else when they are trying to impress an outsider.
Most likely, you've been discarded after they picked up on your emotional intelligence... They are trying to play the hero card.
they have convinced the other person that YOU are the toxic one, and they are the victim. You MADE them cheat. Well if you didn't do this or that, they wouldn't have acted that way. They will use every trick in the book to make it your fault. And if you're angry and upset about all this they'll use your anger against you too claiming that you're unstable, which will validate their actions and behaviors.
THAT'S NOT A SORRY PERSON.
you don't deserve it. A person of heart and integrity won't lead you down a confusing path and hurt you with lies, infidelity, spite deceit and so on.
When I found out about the lies and the cheating my body went into complete shock; I was very sick and distraught and my body failed me. A year later I'm still dealing with the consequences of stress and trauma. Ruminating and thinking I could have done something different to prevent this from happening turned into compulsive thoughts. Depression didn't even begin to describe it. One of the worst feelings in the world.
They're not entitled to hurt you. You did not ask for this. You didn't make them lie, cheat or abuse your love and commitment.
Spineless monsters, snakes...that's what you are dealing with. The injury did not start with you, and it is not your fault.
There's no one size all approach how to heal from this. You're going to need a ton of support, you going to need self care and someone to check in on you. Processing this is going to be a lot.
Realize that a cheating partner does not define your worthiness of a happy relationship. you may feel a lot of emotions like embarrassment and shame (like I did) this is a normal response to infidelity. Talking to someone professionally will help you through this.
Hang in there and take good care of yourself ❤️ don't be afraid to ask for help, support, care and comfort.