TW: TRAUMA/CSA
I am so sorry I have been so inactive.
I really felt like things were getting better. I have started opening up to my therapist and letting her help me. I've let my Dietitian know how my trauma has been affecting my anorexia. I've been working with a pelvic floor therapist and massage therapist on pelvic floor spasms and muscle tightness. These are all things that are really hard for me, but I've been doing it. I have problems with physical contact with males since I was young and my traumatic event happened. Having a male massage therapist was such a big step for me. I've been working with him for about five months. This week, I started getting jumpy and being more sensitive to his touch. And it's nothing inappropriate. He mainly works my back and shoulders and neck. I stay completely dressed from waist down and he's okay with that. It took me a whole month to progress to the point of removing my bra while he works my back and shoulders. Even though I'm laying on my stomach and he can't see anything, it has still made me very uncomfortable and nervous. He has been a complete gentleman with asking for permission before moving his hands to new areas and giving warning before changing which muscles he's working. I never told him I had trauma, but he probably picked up on it from my unwillingness to completely undress and extreme modesty. The last two sessions when I've been more jumpy he's tried to talk it out with me, asking if I need to take a break or if there's something that would be more helpful. After my most recent session, he told me its completely normal for a body to shake or jump if it's trying to release trauma when someone is growing more comfortable around a person. He said that it doesn't scare him, and he wants me to feel safe that I don't need to feel defensive. It scared the shit out of me that he could identify I have trauma without me saying it, but I really want to give my body a chance to release tension and heal.
Then, tonight, I woke up after wetting the freaking bed. For the first time in almost six years. And I can't even express the amount of shame I felt waking up in my wet sheets. Like everyone would know. That I'm a damaged, broken person who wets the bed like an infant. I want to tell my therapist, but I feel like I can't. It is mortifying. And it's easier to tell a bunch of random people online who don't actually know me then it is to tell the person trying to help me heal. And I feel like such a fraud. Because I work as a therapist, and encourage my clients to be open and not feel shame, that I won't judge them. Yet here I am afraid to talk to my therapist. So I just wanted to put it put here as a test run. Get the words out of my mouth to see if I can show myself it isn't that scary to open up to my therapist when I see her Monday.
