#hystericalnoisemaker

[hyacinth-halcyon-blog]

Hi, I have been a follwer now for awhile but didn't really have any questions until now and it's related to your whole spirit talks(?). I'm not 100% sure if it's any spirits who like to talk to me or if it's just my voice hallucinations that irritates me, the thing is I can hear a voice say my name with a voice that sounds like my mother. And she says it's not her, you know? How can I really determent if it my head or actual gods or spirits, because I can't get any contact with them.

Hooboy so. The best tip I know of is to know oneself. Which as someone with AvPD and BPD and a super active maladaptive daydream world... I know this is an incredibly hard thing to do sometimes. Is it just imagination? Or is it substantial? And when knowing yourself is hard, how can you determine between them?

I’m not sure I have a reliable system worked out. I’ll be up front about that; I’m still working on this stuff a lot. One thing I learned just the other night that can help is to look at the circumstances of what was said vs what was currently going on in the brain. For instance, the other night I was relaxing and doing a very good job keeping my mind empty in a vaguely meditative state when suddenly I got the overpowering urge of “I need to talk to you” and a distinct sense of who was saying it too. As this didn’t match the relaxed idle state I was in I figured it might be something legitimate. When I did divination to ask what needed to be said, the urgency of the song I got matched what I had going on in my brain so I took it as valid. If I had been having a daydream where exciting or stressful things had been going on, I likely would have discarded that urge as mere imagination. 

Another thing to do is to keep track of the little things. Sometimes the most subtle signs are the most legit ones. When I first started trying to communicate with the spirits in my yard, I tried seeing if I could get a non-divination reply to a species identification. I got some sort of a small sensation when I though “elf” and when I did divination later, I got elf for the species identifier. It might have been nothing but it turned out to be an actual indicator of “hey dat’s me!” that I pretty much ignored until I got the divinatory result to back it up. I’ve had instances of this before where I had to double-check if I was being touched by a spirit or not. The sensations were so minor I was going to discount them but I decided not to just in case and it paid off.

A lot of this seems to be trial and error of wash, rinse, repeat. Pay attention to the little things. Keep note of them even if they seem insignificant. If you can, do divination to double-check and back up your feelings. If you can’t, I like to ask myself the following: Does it pose any harm if I assume this to be legitimate? If no, roll with it. If it could, then I play it safe and hold off on it. 

I hope this is a little helpful :x

[nightmarist]

hystericalnoisemaker replied to your post “So, I dont know what my mom actually wants to do but as far as I’m...”

this shit makes me so sad, cause I can't do jack shit to help...like, I want to help so bad and yet, here I sit, in SWEDEN, and are just sad over this happening :c

its alright man

If he comes back, I can stay with a friend My friend is getting a house renovated with some inheritance money of his and he said he’ll let me stay there for free and help me find a job. 

I’m hoping my mom doesnt take him back I totally see her side because its, like i said, 20+ years of conditioning in the work and like, we’re totally fine without him but she keeps worrying that because hes so fucking lazy and helpless (the reason hes violent towards us is because he relies on us to do everything for him) she fears that he’ll just not feed or take care of himself. I keep telling her thats all on him and she keeps saying “ive seen him change before, i want to help” etc 

So whatever happens, I’ll be fine. It’s just distressing because now that something has actually happened its like

It’s a strange mixture of fear and liberation. Liberation for obvious reasons, but fear that its going to go back to the way it was. But I’ll be fine, even if I have to leave things behind I have friends who take better care of me than my parents ever did. Funny enough, just like how lots of queer and poc etc marginalized groups of people group together, its like, all of us abused and traumatized kids band together too. One of my friends lived with an abusive aunt after their father killed their mother, anotehr friend doesnt have a room of their own while their siblings do and once had a physically abusive father. But yeah, we’ll band together if things go sideways. I hope for the best, but I am prepared for the worst.

Thank you, Linus 

[nightmarist]

Every un-even number for the identity ask thing c:

yiiIISSSS cheeky

I already did #1 but I was reminded how much I loved Riddler - Solitaire that I’ll say everyone should go find and read that

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

Overwatch - McCree, I think ! Easy going, laid back, but get to business when i need to - and even then, I can still be laid back about business and important things and still do them well. 

Sailor Moon - Haru !! I love sailor saturn so much, and I never realized why I identified with her so much back when I was a kid. My parents are very much like her dad. Over-protective to an obsession, not allowed to go outside, have friends, etc extremely sheltered. 

Dragon Age - Flemeth, I think. Underestimated, powerful, but still emotional. Motives do not need to be stated to know they are important. 

Final Fantasy - As of late, I’m really up identifying with Ardyn. Familial betrayal, and so hellbent on revenge its the only thing keeping him alive. 

DC - RIDDLER. I love Scarecrow, too, but I really ID with RIddler way more. My dad never physically hit me, but man, everything that makes current Riddler what he is with the whole… Everyone tells him he;s smart, he knows he is, but no one really appreciates how much work gets put into him being smart? Or that he always has something to prove. I super ID with him. ANd not just on like, a pity level either I mean like. In Solitaire, he fucking blew a guards arm off because his own arm was twisted by that very guard just because he was playing Solitaire, and Eddie went out of his way to make an elaborate plot and scheme to electrocute and beat the fuck out of anyone in his way just to he could blow the guys arm off for hurting him in the same arm. Like man, that’s how extra I wanna be someday. 

Hannibal (NBC) - Abigail. Plain, pretty, fucked up family. 

Hannibal Series - Dolarhyde, back in the day. As in, when I used to have extremely violent intrusive thoughts. They’re much more tame now, but I used to super ID with Dolarhyde back in the day. 

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

Hmm, I have enough existential crises that I dont know what human is anymore. My body constantly feels dysphoric and I cant tell if its gender or personhood anymore. So I guess I just go by what I do, yeah. 

7. do you care about your ethnicity?

Kind of ?? I’m maya/latina but I’m also super white thanks to my dads side of the family and some spaniards back in the day. But like… I know hardly anything about myself, heritage, family, etc that I might as well just be white, you feel me. Someone yelled at me one time bc I made a joke about a mexican soda I’ve never seen use plastic bottles or cans, just glass bottles, and they told me to shut up and that they’re a “real” mexican so like ….. I stopped really IDing myself too much as latina by itself. I’m white. 

9. are you an artist?

I try to be at least

11. describe your ideal day.

Wake up refreshed by 730, have enough time to prepare a nice outfit, makeu, matching jewelry with little difficulty, have cereal in the morning, get hot chocolate on my way to class, a fun lecture with interactivity and interesting information, leave class to meet with my friends to play some games, head out to a friends house to play board games and ouija, stay and eat pizza and junk food until 11pm, go home exhausted but having done well.

Preferably lukewarm weather with minimal sun, but not too many clouds. I like early-fall weather. 

13. inside or outdoors?

Inside, definitely. 

15. five most influential books over your lifetime.

The Picture of Dorian Gray, Red Dragon, Night, The Count of Monte Cristo, His Majesty’s Dragon

17. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

Its certainly more information than I give to people face to face. I’m far more myself textually than in person, mostly because words are hard on the spot. So yeah, I’d say so. This is sort of everything I think of at any given moment, really. Nearly filterless. 

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

Slytherin all the way. 

21. do you love easily?

Extremely. 

23. how often would you want to see your family every year?

Nnnnnot often. At all. Ever. Leave me alone plz and thank. 

25. could you live as a hermit?

Gods no. My parents are trying to do that right now and have been my entire life and I am so fucking sick of it. Im tired of bitter isolationism. 

27. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

I do my best. As in, I’m very multifaceted and I dress per my mood. If I’m feeling playful, I’ll dress in pastels and cute things. I’m im feeling cheeky, maybe something more 1970s pinup, or if I feel powerful I’m going to dress like a queen or an empress with headgear and everything. 

29. three songs that you connect with right now.

The Dope Show by Marilyn Manson

Dead Again by Elena Siegman

Aura by Yuki Kajiura

Been really feelin these lately, which is weird bc Marilyn Manson and Yuki Kajiura, at least those particular songs, I havent heard in years. Also, holy fuck Im so glad I downloaded the .hack soundtracks when i did because I cant find them anywhere. 

Thank you !!!

[nightmarist]

hystericalnoisemaker replied to your post: “hmm, what’s stronger? my hatred for RK900 names that aren’t “Connor”...”:

at this point they should just name the model "Connor" xD

Thats my whole thing, tho ! The series name is Connor which is why i being such a brat about it lmao 

[nightmarist]

hystericalnoisemaker replied to your post “im gunna marathon some animated films ive been wanting to see some...”

treasure planet if you haven't seen it!

I have but it’s been a while. I should watch it again anyway. Thanks !

[nightmarist]

hystericalnoisemaker replied to your post “wondering if i should shave my eyebrows short to achieve a specific...”

try to put make-up on the part you want to "disappear"? might help to see thing that way

I’ve tried but I don’t have proper concealer or glue sticks, and my hair is really dark ;w; sighs, since im out of school for a bit, i might just tough it out. shave it and see what it looks like when im not going out anywhere, let it grow back if i hate it. 

blehhh

[nightmarist]

Death Witch asks! 1st, 3rd, 8th, 15th and lastly, 17th c: ♦

1. How do you communicate with spirits if you do?

I often say I don’t do spirit work because there’s a specific idea as to what spirit work indicates, and it’s not really my thing. I make my own spirits rather than go out and talk to random ones. I communicate with entities, but only very specific ones, on my own terms. Usually my friends and I use Ouija, but to me it’s more of a “party trick” because I’m not interested in it, I just show them how to do it and they have fun talking to whatever spirits are flitting in and out of the area. Usually I use Auto-Writing or Auto-Drawing to communicate with entities I’m familiar with. If I want to speak with a new entity, it’s often through tarot or oracle cards. I try pendulum, but I’m not particularly good at it - it’s mostly a tool to help me find lost things. I sometimes use an old Scrabble board, I throw letters and see what words I can make. Shufflemancy is fun, especially if you have a lengthy library. 

3. How do you think one could acquire bones/graveyard dirt respectfully?

Anthropologically, burial, pyre, funerals, and all the like we do when someone dies is actually a tool for the mourning, living people, regardless of one’s belief. The few times I use graveyard dirt, which was for curses, I walked in, found an old grave on the entrance marker, and as I stood above the grave I told the potential entity that I was going to take some dirt. I did and I left. Whatever hatred or revenge may be dwelling in a person’s gravesite, I try to take that energy with me, because that’s what best used as a curse. I suppose it’s helpful, in a cleansing sort of way, so if you come across an “angry” grave (dead plants/lack of plants compared to others, caving in, dry and nutritionless dirt, etc) you can try to cleanse that space by taking the dirt, and thus taking the negative energy with you, to destroy or curse someone or something. It’s a win-win. I otherwise don’t usually acquire much of anything. Most of my things were given to me by friends or family. I have a set of bones I use for divination, five of them, which were all separate gifts. 

8. Do you honour ancestors of any kind (relatives, predecessors of your trade, etc)?

Not technically, not really. Ancestor to me, the way I learned, is mostly someone who Came Before, be it a relative or someone else. Mythological figures are ancestors, so I guess in my definition it’s a yes. Mostly Sigurd, the Dragon Slayer, and even his unfortunate end. His death, despite what he has done and what he could do, is humbling. 

I know very little about my blood ancestors, I wasn’t even told most of their names beyond my grandparents, so blood ties aren’t useful to me. 

I quietly praise Mary Shelly Wollstonecraft, Oscar Wilde, and Nikolai Tesla, for what they brought to society and the misfortunes society brought to them. I’ve never communicated with them or their spirits, if such is possible, but I praise the ideas of them, and the ideas they brought. 

15. What do you think happens after we die?

I can’t be truly sure. I like the idea of Helheim, ad I do believe in halls, but I also believe that even Hel gets to choose who she desires in her hall, and that potentially we each have our own paths to follow and go, even when we die. Not everyone may go to Helheim, not everyone believes in Helheim. I would like to think I might go, but I wonder if spirits of the dead are simply wandering these parts until they, too, snuff out or are reborn. It’s an existential question that I can’t really be firm in my own beliefs. I can guess all I like, but I’m fine with not knowing. 

The most that I can say with personal certainty is that I do think human spirits have choices, of sorts, to either continue as they are in an almost-purgatory, or leave their memories behind for a new life. 

17. What are your tips for finding and using tools for death witchery?

So, I did answer this but I’ll try to be more coherent. 

Whatever you think death is, whatever you associate with death, simply, those are your tools. Do you find death in bones? It’s very common, and there’s nothing wrong with commonality, then you can use bones. But don’t forget that all things die. Twigs and sticks are the bones of trees, rocks are the remnants of former kinds of rocks, melting and binding and dissolving and eroding and shaping all over again. Your own baby teeth or even hair are deaths of sorts, death of nerve endings and the death of a part of your life. Emotional death, cutting someone out of your life, or mourning are aspects of death and can be utilized. I tend to be very abstract with concepts, somehow because the abstract is more understandable to me than physical tangible things, but I hope this makes sense. 

Thanks ♦

[nightmarist]

yo V, if you haven't would you mind make a Fenrir playlist? thanks in before hand ♦

Sure thing! I’ve been meaning to get around to other gods. 

Give me a few and I’ll get one all set !